By David Futrelle
Today was a truly dark day for those who would have preferred to go through life not ever knowing what Donald Trump’s dick looks like (alleged). In excerpts from Stormy Danies’ forthcoming memoir, the porn-actress-turned-producer described her alleged sexual encounter with our gross president in enough detail to ruin all of our breakfasts.
In her book, as The Guardian reports, Daniels suggests that the sex was “the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.” And she describes his penis as, er,
“smaller than average” but “not freakishly small”.
“He knows he has an unusual penis,” Daniels writes. “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool…
“I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart…
I just let out an involuntary shudder.
While I was doing my best to erase this image from my head, Trump’s biggest fans in the Twitterverse were moving swiftly to try to contain this small (but not freakishly so) pubic relations disaster. Here are a dozen of their failed rebuttals.
This just proves that Trump’s penis actually huge because Stormy Daniels has a big flappy vagina or something
The fact that Stormy Daniels remembers having sex with Trump means that the sex was actually GREAT!
His penis couldn’t really be all that gross because Stormy Daniels put it in her mouth (allegedly)
One self-identified deplorable was so enamored of this, er, argument that he tweeted it again and again and again.
And then he logged into a second account and tweeted it one more time.
Stormy Daniels isn’t credible because she’s a prostitute
Stormy Daniels isn’t credible because she’s NOT a prostitute
For what it’s worth, Daniels isn’t a prostitute. Nor has she “failed” at porn; she’s won numerous awards as both a performer and a director.
Stormy Daniels isn’t credible because she’s guilty of *checks notes* “tax invasion?”
Obviously you can’t believe anyone whose book was ghostwritten
I’ve found zero indication (outside of MAGA tweets) that Daniels’ upcoming book was ghostwritten. All of Trump’s books were ghostwritten.
You can’t believe Daniels because she had a small role in a very popular movie. Also something about Obama having a vagina.
Trump had a small role in a popular movie, Home Alone 2. Barack Obama does not have a vagina.
Marla Maples once said that sex with Trump was great so therefore Daniels is lying by saying sex with Trump was crap
Setting aside the fact that a person can have good sex with one person and bad sex with someone else, Maples now says she never made that infamous “best sex ever” remark. Here’s The New York Post’s Page Six quoting Maples earlier this year:
“I never said that, someone else said that. [But] is it true? I’m not going to talk about that. The truth will come out, just not here,” Maples said, winking at a Post scribe while reporting for jury duty in Manhattan.
No one will ever convince me that Trump is good at sex because how could he possibly be?
You can’t believe Daniels’ description of Trump’s apparently quite distinctive penis because ALL penises are distinctive
Don’t ask me how this is supposed to make any kind of sense because I’m as baffled as you are.
The whole thing is part of an elaborate Twitter/Deep State plot to distract from far-right video-doctorer James O’Keefe
Trump is winning because he got to have sex with a hot porn star while she, by contrast, had to endure sex with Donald Trump
This is a weird self-own-by-proxy. It’s also the only rebuttal on this list that has a basis in reality. Daniels is well aware that she lost by agreeing to have sex with Trump. According to The Guardian, she writes in her memoir about the disgust she felt later for going along with Trump’s sexual advances.
Whenever she saw Trump on television for years afterwards, Daniels writes, an internal monologue would play out: “‘I had sex with that’, I’d say to myself. Eech.”
I feel similarly every time I see him on TV or hear his voice. I can only imagine how much more stomach-churningly awful it must be for Daniels or for any other woman who’s had sex — even of the more or less consensual sort — with that thing. Apparently, to Trump’s most enthusiastic fans, this disgust we all feel is just another sign that he’s WINNING AHAHAHA!
@Dormousing_it
Might be Peyronie’s disease, but I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that some penes are just naturally more funny shaped than others. The bend could be fixed to some extent and the foreskin thing resolved without necessarily cutting it off, but for some reason a lot of guys are squeamish about showing their malfunctioning junk to a doctor, let alone have someone stick needles or knives in it even if it would make things much better for the whole of the rest of their lives.
Without going into too much detail – bends in the penis can be hereditary too. They don’t affect function much, if at all, so there’s no huge need to get them “corrected.”
Given that Trump is the biggest “attention whore” there is, his fans have no room to criticize anyone else for being attention seeking.
I know, I know. It’s only bad when women do it.
Wouldn’t surprise me if mushroom sales plummeted. I know it’s going to be a while for me to be able to approach them without revulsion. I hope the Fun Guy man at our farmer’s market (fresh mushrooms of all sorts, eggs, local additive free pork) does okay. No one wants to think of that on a Saturday morning.
A man who openly boasted on the campaign trail about the size of his penis gets called on the size of his penis.
His supporters react with attacks on someone for her imagined vagina size.
OK, that looks like about where we are in human history.
Fine. Is it time yet to release the wolves?
@Pie:
I’d heard of that disease, but I just took a peek at the Wikipedia article for it…wow. That looks painful, and I don’t even have the equipment, or any frame of reference. No, I don’t think he had Peyronie’s disease. I think it was just the way he happened to be built. His penis wasn’t anywhere near as crooked as the wiki illustration. He also didn’t have any pain.
@Alan Robertshaw:
I recently read a book by a KGB defector, titled “Deep Undercover”. He goes by the name Jack Barsky. It was fascinating! As he said: “I was a believing Communist, and I wanted to take down the evil capitalists. However, I also wanted to live the *Good Life*.” LOL! And, that he did, spying on the Americans.
Gijoel – That video reminds me of a dog that lived in our neighborhood some years back. Most mornings, it “talked” and I would wonder just what it was trying to say. Regrettably, I never got to see it.
I would vote for good dog.
@ Kat; @Ooglyboggles:
Stormy Daniels’ alleged pelvic meteorology brings to mind this legendary Columbus, Ohio record shop:
http://www.thunderpussy.com/
When sex ed teachers, and gynecologists, and anatomy professors (not to mention, you know, women) are all but unanimous on “vaginas do not become ‘stretched out,’ and cannot do so through normal penetration,” you have to wonder why people keep going with such a cartoonish insult.
Re: WINNING AHAHAHA
Can narratives about sex as a zero sum game, and/or sex as conquest, please just die in a pool of lava already?
I remember all the sexual encounters I’ve had, and the men that they were with. Almost none of them could be called GREAT. (Though I suppose they would answer that by pointing out that I haven’t had all that many sexual partners).
At the time that she reports she had sex with him, Donald J. Trump was already known. I had heard of him in the 1980s, and he was already known well enough to be parodied in Gremlins 2, so remembering him would not be difficult even if the sex was mediocre. (And I suspect a person is going to remember lousy sex, too, so it’s only the sort of average that one might be expected to forget). You tend to remember those who are famous.
@Rabid Rabbit:
And still, one of my favourite comics on this was three panels:
First panel: mother and son walking along the road in front of the white house, with several visible armed guards. Son asks, “What are those men doing?” Mother replies, “They’re there to protect the president!”
Second panel: Trump, inside the oval office, looking at a TV and grabbing his phone.
Third panel: Trump’s phone gets destroyed by a bullet from one of the secret service agents outside.
Sad when feminists use the objectification of the male body and misandrist body shaming to online-sexually-harass men…
Does Slick Mick think he is being funny?
@banned simple, because it’s convenient for them to use (and for them to feel good about themselves and their version of masculinity). Also, when was the last time they cared about such a funny thing as ‘facts’? This is Twitter we’re dealing with after all, and it’s probably been a long time since the last time they listened to an expert or a college professor, maybe except someone whose name starts with a J.
It’s like using cuck as an insult, essentially.
BTW nice username.
Sad when trolls come out of the woodwork to lob poorly thought-out but verbose… wait no, it’s not sad at all, it’s dumb.
I’m on an absolute tear today. They keep goin’ on with this cartoonish insult because their concepts of sexual attractiveness are tied with despoiling and ruining. Women are consumables in their mindset.
The truth of it doesn’t matter, because they aren’t talking about anatomy or anything real – they’re talking metaphorically. The reality of what women are doesn’t matter to these chodes. “All stretched out” is just a metaphorical way to say “worthless.” Their gross pontifications are just elaborate ways to assert the consumability and objectification of women.
Take MRAL here. All of the assertions he’s making about what women are like – it doesn’t matter to him if he’s right or not, because he’s not talking about real things. He’s talking about metaphors. In his case, the metaphor is a veil for “women need to be made more subservient and inferior.” So too with these maga twerts.
The channers, the contrarians, the “rationalists” – their Just-Asking-Questions are almost always just metaphors for the awful thing they’re alluding to. Giving them their discussion lets them wedge those allusions into the public space. Fuck’em.
I actually find it rather rich that so many of these guys–who most certainly masturbated to Daniels in the past–are now pulling out every sex worker denigration they can in an attempt to belittle her.
Not only has she demonstrated that she’s remarkably social media savvy and can pop off Twitter one-liners with the best of them, but she’s up front with what she does and as Dave’s OP mentioned, she’s won numerous awards in both performing and directing.
I think the only reason that guys (it’s mostly guys) can get away with this is the default assumption that you don’t view internet pornography until you demonstrate that you do. I actually use the opposite assumption, that everyone looks at porn until it’s demonstrated they’re clueless about it.
I’m also reminded that there were porn performers that actually backed Trump: https://www.thedailybeast.com/porn-in-the-age-of-trump-fear-and-loathing-at-avn-in-las-vegas
Actually, I just think everyone should read Aurora Snow’s columns in the Daily Beast. Great insider info from a former performer.
@Slick Mick
‘the fuck are you going on about?
I despise Trump, but his dick shape is irrelevant and I’m not thrilled that the bar is so low this is worthy of having a moment. I also have to concede that fixating on a person’s genitals should be beneath us, I wish we could be a little classier, and it does feel like the political forum is devolving to a derogatory point that I’m almost convinced I wouldn’t be missing anything to just tune out.
That being said, there’s a subtle difference between fat shaming Trump by making grotesque statues and say, calling him out for having his medical records blatantly falsified to avoid being classified as obese. He’s a very vain man who just had to bring his penis size up on the campaign trail and wave his dick around the public’s face. If anyone needs to be knocked down a peg for his own good, it’s Trump. He and his supporters also continue to violate female public figures this way, so to turn around and clutch pearls is just hypocritical. The double standard of conduct is getting old. Police yourselves first.
Points for creativity to the weather system one though. Although, it invokes imagery of a yoni force so powerful it shoots lightning bolts, so that’s just fucking awesome. Can we get a t-shirt or something?
@ Lumipuna- I had the same skeptical reaction to the repeated use of the word “affair” to describe the nature of their sexual relationship, which I assume had to be transactional, because I really can’t picture being attracted enough to even make it past the appetizer with this guy, much less a year. I’ve had some lousy jobs, but LORDY, talk about holding your nose.
@Katamount
Oh, and look at the next article just under that one: “Cody Wilson, 3-D Printed Gun Advocate, Charged With Child Sexual Abuse”
For some strange reason, I’m not at all surprised.
Genjones:
It went on for a year? No wonder he paid her so much.
Media outlets ALWAYS remembered to mention she’s a PORN STAR, as if that were relevant if it was just a random affair. I kept wondering if it was a between-the-lines way of saying “He totally calls up random women he’s seen in porn and offers them lots of money for another kind of sex work”
Wonder if it ever occurs to these twits that if their assumption that vaginas becoming stretched out with sexual encounters with different people was true, it’s not much of a stretch (hur) to extend this to the idea that friction from repeated sexual encounters might wear penes down like pencils in sharpeners. And therefore if a guy wants to keep his unit its optimal size he would not stick it in every consenting orifice until he reaches his idealized HB10 mate.
But of course calling that a ludicrous idea that might point out a double standard.
(I mention all this because I’ve only had 4.5 hours of sleep, and it keeps both my family health issues and the vomit-inducing thoughts of Trump’s junk out of my head. Stormy Daniels… that poor woman.)
I think the saddest part of this, for me, is that Nintendo just released a new Toad game called Captain Toad (I just played the demo and it’s alright).
I’m not sure if this is funny or cruel
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B072FTX55P/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=crackedcom-20&camp=1789&creative=9325&linkCode=as2&creativeASIN=B072FTX55P&linkId=47fe825690333c6b26be4beb361fd830