By David Futrelle
Today was a truly dark day for those who would have preferred to go through life not ever knowing what Donald Trump’s dick looks like (alleged). In excerpts from Stormy Danies’ forthcoming memoir, the porn-actress-turned-producer described her alleged sexual encounter with our gross president in enough detail to ruin all of our breakfasts.
In her book, as The Guardian reports, Daniels suggests that the sex was “the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.” And she describes his penis as, er,
“smaller than average” but “not freakishly small”.
“He knows he has an unusual penis,” Daniels writes. “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool…
“I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart…
I just let out an involuntary shudder.
While I was doing my best to erase this image from my head, Trump’s biggest fans in the Twitterverse were moving swiftly to try to contain this small (but not freakishly so) pubic relations disaster. Here are a dozen of their failed rebuttals.
This just proves that Trump’s penis actually huge because Stormy Daniels has a big flappy vagina or something
The fact that Stormy Daniels remembers having sex with Trump means that the sex was actually GREAT!
His penis couldn’t really be all that gross because Stormy Daniels put it in her mouth (allegedly)
One self-identified deplorable was so enamored of this, er, argument that he tweeted it again and again and again.
And then he logged into a second account and tweeted it one more time.
Stormy Daniels isn’t credible because she’s a prostitute
Stormy Daniels isn’t credible because she’s NOT a prostitute
For what it’s worth, Daniels isn’t a prostitute. Nor has she “failed” at porn; she’s won numerous awards as both a performer and a director.
Stormy Daniels isn’t credible because she’s guilty of *checks notes* “tax invasion?”
Obviously you can’t believe anyone whose book was ghostwritten
I’ve found zero indication (outside of MAGA tweets) that Daniels’ upcoming book was ghostwritten. All of Trump’s books were ghostwritten.
You can’t believe Daniels because she had a small role in a very popular movie. Also something about Obama having a vagina.
Trump had a small role in a popular movie, Home Alone 2. Barack Obama does not have a vagina.
Marla Maples once said that sex with Trump was great so therefore Daniels is lying by saying sex with Trump was crap
Setting aside the fact that a person can have good sex with one person and bad sex with someone else, Maples now says she never made that infamous “best sex ever” remark. Here’s The New York Post’s Page Six quoting Maples earlier this year:
“I never said that, someone else said that. [But] is it true? I’m not going to talk about that. The truth will come out, just not here,” Maples said, winking at a Post scribe while reporting for jury duty in Manhattan.
No one will ever convince me that Trump is good at sex because how could he possibly be?
You can’t believe Daniels’ description of Trump’s apparently quite distinctive penis because ALL penises are distinctive
Don’t ask me how this is supposed to make any kind of sense because I’m as baffled as you are.
The whole thing is part of an elaborate Twitter/Deep State plot to distract from far-right video-doctorer James O’Keefe
Trump is winning because he got to have sex with a hot porn star while she, by contrast, had to endure sex with Donald Trump
This is a weird self-own-by-proxy. It’s also the only rebuttal on this list that has a basis in reality. Daniels is well aware that she lost by agreeing to have sex with Trump. According to The Guardian, she writes in her memoir about the disgust she felt later for going along with Trump’s sexual advances.
Whenever she saw Trump on television for years afterwards, Daniels writes, an internal monologue would play out: “‘I had sex with that’, I’d say to myself. Eech.”
I feel similarly every time I see him on TV or hear his voice. I can only imagine how much more stomach-churningly awful it must be for Daniels or for any other woman who’s had sex — even of the more or less consensual sort — with that thing. Apparently, to Trump’s most enthusiastic fans, this disgust we all feel is just another sign that he’s WINNING AHAHAHA!
So, Stormy Daniels just confirmed that Trump is a fun guy.
(I make no apologies – I am proud of that one)
The OJ Simpson glove comparison is a weird one; famously the glove was too tight.
“If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit” and all that.
Since Alan already stole what I was planning to say about OJ’s too-tight glove, I’mma tackle the Marla Maples canard: SHE NEVER SAID THAT. It was Donnie, lying on her “behalf”, which is to say, to her tremendous embarrassment. He knew damn well that she’d never go around to the media saying “He lied, I was bored out of my skull, etc.” So of course he got away with that one.
And I feel so very sorry for her.
(And everyone else who’s ever had to fondle Donnie’s stumpy ‘shroom and Yeti pubes, too.)
So in other words, the maga crowd are proving stormy’s point unintentionally
Yeah, that’s a mental image I never wanted to have. Brain bleach, stat!
Not at all a surprise, though. Someone that obsessed with size and performance clearly is desperately overcompensating/trying to comb over a perceived inadequacy (note: I am not saying it IS an inadequacy, just that the man himself is clearly feeling it).
What are yeti pubes?
brain bleach delivery
https://www.google.com/search?q=samoyed+puppy+laughing+gif&client=firefox-b-ab&tbm=isch&source=iu&ictx=1&fir=E8j_UYFG_0KTnM%253A%252CK04Cwg1n3Rf4_M%252C_&usg=AFrqEzfCDkvySmAl97SsrgtciF0TZMD1dA&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjJiq7mh8bdAhWNZt4KHcC5ByUQ9QEwAXoECAQQBg#imgrc=E8j_UYFG_0KTnM:
Hmmm…mushroom stroganoff washed down with a Dark and Stormy, followed by Orange Fool for dessert: the Presidential Platter?
You know, I’m generally against body shaming and all, but I can’t help but appreciate this in that it’s the sort of thing that will actually hurt him. I wonder if the staff have tried to steal his phone yet. If they haven’t succeeded, I look forward to the Twitter tirade.
I also like imagining Sarah Sanders with her face buried in her hands, desperately praying that circumstances aren’t going to make her have to talk about her boss’ penis.
@Orion
Well, another name for yeti is abominable snowman. So I expect it involves an impenetrable thatch reaching out to snatch its victim (and maybe snow cover too). The Cousin Itt of the nethers.
This pun/callback combo had me laughing for a good half a minute. Well done. 🙂
On the other hand, I’m afraid of what might be dredged up by searching #50ShadesOfOrange. Trump erotica, even as a parody? No thanks. Nope nope nope.
OK so I gotta share, shared pain is reduced pain, right? RIGHT!?
Y’all might remember/know that I do 3D art, and I got some 3D art buddies group in Skype, where we chitchat this and that and sometimes do weird shenanigans.
Well… once upon a time — 2015, exactly — I joked to one of them that hey, what if you animated a… penis object… with talk routine(*, for funsies and giggles. And she did, bless her heart, and it was very hilarious while at the same time having a bit of nightmare fuel potential as well. But funsies and giggles were had.
Reader, tonight that memory returned the worst possible time, as I was about to fall asleep and now I absolutely cannot, because now the memory of flappy penis talking has merged with *helpless handgesture* all this.
I’m gonna go and make some tea now.
(* Or, expressed in 3D lingo of Poser/Daz style, “What if you took Mike4’s toast and slapped some Mimic DMC on it?”
Stormy Daniels’ vagina creates its own weather system?
This is impressive! I need all the deets from, uh, ScorchedEarth.
Could Stormy Daniels be on the verge of solving the climate crisis?
Following up on Bina’s comment and link:
Page Six seems to think Maples is referring to a memoir she might be writing. Maybe.
But I choose to think she’s referring to this moment, the Stormy Daniels Moment.
@Lizzie,
Puppies FTW! Samoyeds are so much fun!
@Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
So can she summon tornadoes and lightning out of her pussy? Because that’s sounds like the most awesome and schlocky superhero movie ever.
I can’t imagine being so obsessed with a politician that I felt the need to vigorously defend their penis on the Internet. This is not normal!
I can’t quite get my head around the one who spits out “Actress” at the end, like it’s the definitive insult. What does he think an actress is? Does he think it means spy?
@Ooglyboggles
Schlocky? Emphatically not.
Awesome? Yes! I love the idea of lightning coming out of my — er, Stormy Daniels’ — superhero pussy. Thanks for that mental image!
Ben Mackintyre has a new book out. It’s about KGB defector Oleg Gordievsky. It contains this throwaway passage:
HA! I can’t help but wonder if weird, malformed penises aren’t a common denominator among Trumplings. It would certainly explain a lot!
Better Brain bleach
Hell better president, even if she is Canadian.
David wrote that in reference to two MAGA tweets dissing Daniels as a “slut”, “attention whore” and “failure in porn business”. That last part sounds very much like Trump’s own rhetoric, BTW.
As for attention whoring, isn’t that a billion dollar business otherwise known as “celebrity life”? It seems to make a perfectly sensible business move for a porn professional like Daniels. It’s not a substitute for professional success, it is advertising and a part of the profession.
Was it already her plan back then, to get somehow around the NDA and cash in? Probably not. Instead, I’d say that earning money from non-disclosure makes her a sort of sex worker if not technically a prostitute, at least for that one instance – not that there’s anything wrong with either of those.
As for the slut part, it seems to mainly diminish Trump’s own alpha credit if we assume that Daniels went around having sex with many people just for fun. Maybe that’s the case – but even then, how likely does it seem that she just fancied a hookup with Donald J. Trump? I get a sense that the infamous payment to Daniels was listed as “hush money” in part for legal reasons, what with sex trade being illegal.
According to an old platitude, you don’t pay sex workers (primarily) to have sex with you but to go away and shut up afterwards. I don’t think this is generally true, but it might make sense for famous men who are married and cheating their wife with expensive sex workers. Still, those men also pay for the sex as well as the hush-up.
(I don’t really care if the recent disclosure sheds light on these questions.)
I know many people on here are more than old enough to remember when Daddy Bush vomited on the Japanese Prime Minister. Shortly thereafter, his state of the union address (I think that’s what it was) was kicked off with a barf joke. I thought that was a new low in American political discourse. I was wrong.
About penises – this is probably TMI, but I once dated a guy whose penis had a weird bend in it. It was probably average sized, but when erect, it sort of bent downward and to the left. It had an unfortunate tendency to slip out. He was also uncircumcised, an oddity among American men his age. He had some foreskin issues…his foreskin was rather tight and not very flexible. He was well aware of these issues.
Anyway, that poor woman. Stormy Daniels, I mean. She should run for President. Or, maybe she’s suffered enough.