By David Futrelle
Today was a truly dark day for those who would have preferred to go through life not ever knowing what Donald Trump’s dick looks like (alleged). In excerpts from Stormy Danies’ forthcoming memoir, the porn-actress-turned-producer described her alleged sexual encounter with our gross president in enough detail to ruin all of our breakfasts.
In her book, as The Guardian reports, Daniels suggests that the sex was “the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.” And she describes his penis as, er,
“smaller than average” but “not freakishly small”.
“He knows he has an unusual penis,” Daniels writes. “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool…
“I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart…
I just let out an involuntary shudder.
While I was doing my best to erase this image from my head, Trump’s biggest fans in the Twitterverse were moving swiftly to try to contain this small (but not freakishly so) pubic relations disaster. Here are a dozen of their failed rebuttals.
This just proves that Trump’s penis actually huge because Stormy Daniels has a big flappy vagina or something
The fact that Stormy Daniels remembers having sex with Trump means that the sex was actually GREAT!
His penis couldn’t really be all that gross because Stormy Daniels put it in her mouth (allegedly)
One self-identified deplorable was so enamored of this, er, argument that he tweeted it again and again and again.
And then he logged into a second account and tweeted it one more time.
Stormy Daniels isn’t credible because she’s a prostitute
Stormy Daniels isn’t credible because she’s NOT a prostitute
For what it’s worth, Daniels isn’t a prostitute. Nor has she “failed” at porn; she’s won numerous awards as both a performer and a director.
Stormy Daniels isn’t credible because she’s guilty of *checks notes* “tax invasion?”
Obviously you can’t believe anyone whose book was ghostwritten
I’ve found zero indication (outside of MAGA tweets) that Daniels’ upcoming book was ghostwritten. All of Trump’s books were ghostwritten.
You can’t believe Daniels because she had a small role in a very popular movie. Also something about Obama having a vagina.
Trump had a small role in a popular movie, Home Alone 2. Barack Obama does not have a vagina.
Marla Maples once said that sex with Trump was great so therefore Daniels is lying by saying sex with Trump was crap
Setting aside the fact that a person can have good sex with one person and bad sex with someone else, Maples now says she never made that infamous “best sex ever” remark. Here’s The New York Post’s Page Six quoting Maples earlier this year:
“I never said that, someone else said that. [But] is it true? I’m not going to talk about that. The truth will come out, just not here,” Maples said, winking at a Post scribe while reporting for jury duty in Manhattan.
No one will ever convince me that Trump is good at sex because how could he possibly be?
You can’t believe Daniels’ description of Trump’s apparently quite distinctive penis because ALL penises are distinctive
Don’t ask me how this is supposed to make any kind of sense because I’m as baffled as you are.
The whole thing is part of an elaborate Twitter/Deep State plot to distract from far-right video-doctorer James O’Keefe
Trump is winning because he got to have sex with a hot porn star while she, by contrast, had to endure sex with Donald Trump
This is a weird self-own-by-proxy. It’s also the only rebuttal on this list that has a basis in reality. Daniels is well aware that she lost by agreeing to have sex with Trump. According to The Guardian, she writes in her memoir about the disgust she felt later for going along with Trump’s sexual advances.
Whenever she saw Trump on television for years afterwards, Daniels writes, an internal monologue would play out: “‘I had sex with that’, I’d say to myself. Eech.”
I feel similarly every time I see him on TV or hear his voice. I can only imagine how much more stomach-churningly awful it must be for Daniels or for any other woman who’s had sex — even of the more or less consensual sort — with that thing. Apparently, to Trump’s most enthusiastic fans, this disgust we all feel is just another sign that he’s WINNING AHAHAHA!