By David Futrelle
Today was a truly dark day for those who would have preferred to go through life not ever knowing what Donald Trump’s dick looks like (alleged). In excerpts from Stormy Danies’ forthcoming memoir, the porn-actress-turned-producer described her alleged sexual encounter with our gross president in enough detail to ruin all of our breakfasts.
In her book, as The Guardian reports, Daniels suggests that the sex was “the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.” And she describes his penis as, er,
“smaller than average” but “not freakishly small”.
“He knows he has an unusual penis,” Daniels writes. “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool…
“I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart…
I just let out an involuntary shudder.
While I was doing my best to erase this image from my head, Trump’s biggest fans in the Twitterverse were moving swiftly to try to contain this small (but not freakishly so) pubic relations disaster. Here are a dozen of their failed rebuttals.
This just proves that Trump’s penis actually huge because Stormy Daniels has a big flappy vagina or something
The fact that Stormy Daniels remembers having sex with Trump means that the sex was actually GREAT!
His penis couldn’t really be all that gross because Stormy Daniels put it in her mouth (allegedly)
One self-identified deplorable was so enamored of this, er, argument that he tweeted it again and again and again.
And then he logged into a second account and tweeted it one more time.
Stormy Daniels isn’t credible because she’s a prostitute
Stormy Daniels isn’t credible because she’s NOT a prostitute
For what it’s worth, Daniels isn’t a prostitute. Nor has she “failed” at porn; she’s won numerous awards as both a performer and a director.
Stormy Daniels isn’t credible because she’s guilty of *checks notes* “tax invasion?”
Obviously you can’t believe anyone whose book was ghostwritten
I’ve found zero indication (outside of MAGA tweets) that Daniels’ upcoming book was ghostwritten. All of Trump’s books were ghostwritten.
You can’t believe Daniels because she had a small role in a very popular movie. Also something about Obama having a vagina.
Trump had a small role in a popular movie, Home Alone 2. Barack Obama does not have a vagina.
Marla Maples once said that sex with Trump was great so therefore Daniels is lying by saying sex with Trump was crap
Setting aside the fact that a person can have good sex with one person and bad sex with someone else, Maples now says she never made that infamous “best sex ever” remark. Here’s The New York Post’s Page Six quoting Maples earlier this year:
“I never said that, someone else said that. [But] is it true? I’m not going to talk about that. The truth will come out, just not here,” Maples said, winking at a Post scribe while reporting for jury duty in Manhattan.
No one will ever convince me that Trump is good at sex because how could he possibly be?
You can’t believe Daniels’ description of Trump’s apparently quite distinctive penis because ALL penises are distinctive
Don’t ask me how this is supposed to make any kind of sense because I’m as baffled as you are.
The whole thing is part of an elaborate Twitter/Deep State plot to distract from far-right video-doctorer James O’Keefe
Trump is winning because he got to have sex with a hot porn star while she, by contrast, had to endure sex with Donald Trump
This is a weird self-own-by-proxy. It’s also the only rebuttal on this list that has a basis in reality. Daniels is well aware that she lost by agreeing to have sex with Trump. According to The Guardian, she writes in her memoir about the disgust she felt later for going along with Trump’s sexual advances.
Whenever she saw Trump on television for years afterwards, Daniels writes, an internal monologue would play out: “‘I had sex with that’, I’d say to myself. Eech.”
I feel similarly every time I see him on TV or hear his voice. I can only imagine how much more stomach-churningly awful it must be for Daniels or for any other woman who’s had sex — even of the more or less consensual sort — with that thing. Apparently, to Trump’s most enthusiastic fans, this disgust we all feel is just another sign that he’s WINNING AHAHAHA!
@Virgin Mary
It’s cruel. What would be funny would be the other around, turn Trump into a cat.
All other rampant grossness aside, I’m genuinely curious how this person thought the OJ Simpson trial played out if they thought that the glove was too big. Like, that doesn’t stop you from using the glove in the same way it would have if it’d been too small? I guess the defense’s argument was that OJ wouldn’t have owned and worn gloves that were too big for him, if he was a millionaire murderer, so… yeah, QED. Huh.
As mentioned on the Corporate Facepalm reddit, Nintendo didn’t look at *why* Toad & Mario Kart were trending, with this result (hope the link works properly)
https://twitter.com/nintendolife/status/1042106289868951554
Sinkable John:
Noooo! Trump is a greedy, self-centred arsehole who thinks that everyone else exists to serve him, and… ok, you have a point.
I’m not really laughing at – or I’m trying not to laugh at, I have after all been brought up in a world marinated in toxic masculinity, and I’m responding here to the argument in general and Genjones who’s speaking in good faith and not Cargo Cult Mick’s “I’ve seen this argument work in the past but I don’t actually know what it’s about” – Trump having a small, weird dick. I mean, not to put too fine a point on it, I’d have to follow up that with a lot of ha-has into the mirror if I was going to be consistent. What I’m laughing at is the response to “Trump has a small, weird dick” NOT being “I voted for him as President, not dick model (dirt-off-your-shoulder gesture)” but RATHER being “NO HE DOESN’T HIS PENIS IS TEN FEET LONG AND MADE OF TENSILE STEEL IF YOU DIDN’T APPRECIATE IT IT’S BECAUSE OF YOUR WEIRD VAGINA EVERYONE KNOWS THE PRESIDENT’S DICK IS FANTASTIC MPGA”. If Barack Obama or Paul Keating had a small, weird dick – and they very well might! – it wouldn’t affect my recognition of their statescraft.
It does, however, remind me of what someone said – Parker Molloy? My brain wants me to say Parker Molloy – about how they don’t see Trump as a leader, but as a male energy supplement, something sold strictly online with images of large predator animals and ridiculously confrontational language. Trump is large flowered barrenwort. It doesn’t actually do anything, but it makes its supporters feel POWERFUL and you are SO OFFENDED they are taking it. Also, it says “large flowered” right there.
Skylalalalalalala: I think Nintendo Life is a Nintendo-focused magazine, not an official Nintendo account – although it could be both, and either way, it doesn’t make it much less funny. They did later correct that this was actually a terrible day for Toad, and that they were demoting their social media Toad to fetching the covfefe. All that aside, Toad’s the one I feel sorry for in this instance. Toad is a hero of the Mushroom Kingdom, albeit a relatively minor one, and he has done so much more than just Mario Kart. If this reduces his eulogy to “Toad: loyal mushroom retainer, Kart racer, looks like Trump’s dick”, then that is a tragedy.
@Moggie
Cats are far, far cuter than Trump, and capable of expressing gratitude and affection, neither of which he has ever done.
oh yeah, i totally remember that famous quip from Johnnie Cochran during the OJ Simpson trial:
“If the glove’s too loose you must… ummm… turn him loose? Yeah, let’s go with that, I guess.”
Reading this thread Can suddenly came to mind.
According to a sex worker friend of mine, the ubiquity of free porn means that for a lot of porn actors, porn serves mainly as advertisement for escort work.
@GIjoel
I don’t usually get enthusiastic about boastful males. But Good Boy boasts about me too. Also, he truly is floofy.
TL;dr Vote for Good Boy!
The only time it matters what your junk looks like is if you’re going to be interacting with someone else using that junk, and then it only matters in terms of what that particular person is interested in.
But toxic masculinity and patriarchy REALLY likes to assign value to people based on completely irrelevant physical characteristics (wang size, vagina size, gender, race…), so it’s no surprise that the vanguard force of that mindset absolutely loses their shit at the suggestion that their paragon doesn’t fit the ideal.
Trump isn’t a leader to these people. He’s simply an avatar of everything they aspire to be. Rich, powerful, able to exploit and harm all around him without facing consequences, so on. They see themselves as essentially identical to Trump, just momentarily inconvenienced and blockaded from their Rightful Place by those damn minorities/women/liberals. So to say that Trump has a weird small dick is to say that they also have a weird small dick, and will be reacted to with the same level of rage.
The worst, most bad-tempered cat on the planet is still light years ahead of the Rotten Tangerine.