By David Futrelle
Today, someone posted a picture of the world’s oldest wombat to the Braincels subreddit under the headline “It’s over for wombatcels.” Because, you see, the world’s oldest wombat also happens to be a virgin, making him also the world’s oldest wombat incel.
While most of the commenters made jokes, one fellow was strangely heartened by Patrick the Wombat’s inability to score.
![DFWAggie 15 points 5 hours ago I'm not sure if this is cope, but I honestly enjoy knowing that many animals die virgins. Strange, but it gives me a sense of inner peace. permalinkembedsavereportgive goldreply [–]Nightstalkerr_ 11 points 4 hours ago Nah bro their brains are wired differently they don’t need sex, and it’s not as important as it is to humans. So yeah this is cope bro](https://i0.wp.com/www.wehuntedthemammoth.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/cf7r8tf9yg708h-9.png?resize=508%2C545&ssl=1)
“Cope,” by the way, is how so-called incels describe strategies they come up with to, well, cope with their bitterness about their ongoing celibacy; incels, being the perversely miserable sorts that they are, look down their noses at it, preferring instead to wallow in their own largely self-made misery.
But you know what, DFWAggie? Taking comfort from a wombat’s virginity might be a little weird, but hey, if it helps to cut through the bitterness and to remind you that unwanted celibacy, while unfortunate, isn’t actually the end of the world, go ahead and indulge this particular cope all you want. “Cope” is good.
Just when you think it can’t get any weirder with these guys…
Is anybody else going “Wow, I never realised they were that big”?
Yes.
Also this makes me want to reread Digger.
I wanna hug a wombat. I don’t really care about the incels’ bullshit.
Edit: Found this video.
I hope some incels are reading this post, because I’m making it to piss them off.
My female cat, the one in my avatar is almost certainly not a virgin.
She was spayed only a couple of days before I adopted her, at two years old. Chances are pretty good that she’s had kittens before as her nipples are pretty prominent and that’s supposedly a sign she’s nursed before. Plus, what are the chances a cat that was found wandering stray in the streets went for two whole years never mating?
That’s right, incels. My timid yet hot tempered little kitty is way more popular than you.
@Alan
Yes! and OMG wombats are adorable and how very dare incels compare their disgusting selves to such noble creatures.
Re “cope”. So they’re literally against coping strategies for stress… WTF even.
You know how wombats plug their burrows with their own keratin-armored butts when predators show up? Incels make me wish I could do that. Nope nope nope, no squishy feelings only butt armor, move riiiight along dudes.
As others had stated many times on this venerable weblog…
DOUBLE-YOU TEEE EFFF?????????
THE FUQ???
THE COMPLETE, UNABRIDGED FUCK?????
I think those incels could benefit from learning some biology, particularly human biology, but biology of other species may be helpful for them as well.
For instance, I’m pretty sure that humans in no way “need” sex. As for it not being as important to animals… Most male spiders will present their potential mate with a peace-offering snack, and they need to do the deed fast, because if the female spider finishes the snack and he’s still there, he’s next on the menu. I’m pretty sure most humans wouldn’t risk literally being EATEN ALIVE just to get some sex. (Granted, arachnids aren’t generally considered to be ‘animals’, but they’re still a part of kingdom animalia, so they’re close enough).
There are also animals that die after mating/spawning. All living male bees (of the species I’m aware of) are virgins, since they literally disembowel themselves post-mating by leaving their penis in the queen, along with a bunch of attached organs. Worker bees never have any sex at all their entire lives, though they’re technically female, so the incels probably won’t care about them. Any trout (of the species I’m aware of) that are caught and eaten by humans die virgins, since they die after spawning, because they spawn at the end of their life cycle. So on and so forth.
So there are plenty of animals that die virgins and plenty that literally die from having sex (and still do it anyway). Pretty sure that doesn’t suggest that humans “need” sex more than animals, nor that humans are the only species that oh so tragically doesn’t have all the sex all the time.
Oh you mean he’s not hanging around for Super Seducer 2? 😛 But yeah he has a kinda good idea of looking elsewhere and not feeling as bad because nature…. but he’s still an incel, isn’t he? Sigh. Halfway there.
(also check this shit out)
He’s a wombat, a marsupial, named Patrick and he has that face and all they can think about is that he’s a virgin? They do not deserve Patrick.
@Alan Robertshaw:
Same here. Maybe it’s all the pent-up semen??????
At least with this particular wombat?
Sorry.
@Catalpa
Actually, sex is fairly low on the Maslow pyramid of need making it a pretty important need for humans. The big advantage is that sex in that sense covers all kinds of practice from masturbation to intimate relationship like kissing or romantic hugs. The greatest advantage of civilised humans is that it’s extremely easy to have at least one sexual encounter as adults. The vast majority of people are in couple or were in couple at some point in their lives. Our society being largely polymonogamous (people have several relationships with one person at a time during their lives) allows for a lot of opportunity to find at least one partner at some point. It’s not like you have to face one alpha members that hoards in harem that are jalously guarded potential sexual partners. In fact, with less than $200 all incels can have a sexual intercourse with very little risks. I think they prefer hatred and self hatred over their so-called panacea.
“It’s all over for wombatcels…”
It’s a good thing I’m not tripping on some kind of hard core hallucinogen or else I’d be wondering, – does this have something to do with sex or was I just speaking with a stock broker?
I guarantee you cats “need” sex much more than humans do. I’ve never seen a woman drag her butt across the floor, or growl and meow, like my kitty did before she was spayed.
Being that Patrick the Wombat is of Australian heritage, I hope this means he can also fuck up an incel’s lifespan seven ways from Sunday if they dare mess with him…
note, the following contains sarcasm…
@ epronovost;
Nuh, uh… Wrong, wrong, wrong!! According to evidence* presented by incel (see David’s post previous to this one), Chad’s, celebrities, athletes, etc “hoard” women for themselves. Indeed, one “celebrity” can “hoard” literally thoysands of women, preventing them from “mating” (screwing) with incel!!!
* “evidence” in this context should not be taken to mean… actual evidence….
Can we all just agree that that wombat is an absolute unit?
Hmmmmm. I’m just musing a scenario. I get to either spend a few hours with the adorable wombat Patrick or spend a few (painful) hours listening to a group of insanely self-absorbed incels who genuinely believe that they are the abused group in the history of the world and that they are in every way entitled to high market value women. Not too much of a contest!
As an asexual, that’s a load of crap. It ain’t a need for humans. For some people, it may be a very important aspect of their enjoyment of life, sure. And everyone should definitely have the right to engage in whatever consensual activities they please. But the fact that plenty of people live perfectly long, satisfactory lives without any sex proves that it’s not a need. Especially not on the same level as air and water and food.
…Uh, hugs and kissing are sex now? What kind of weird-ass definition of sex is this? Even in that case, there are also aromantic people, who don’t “need” that kind of interaction either.
Yeah, humans are social creatures and we require positive relationships and interactions with others in order to remain emotionally healthy. But sex is not the only form in which those positive interactions and relationships come.
Of course the wretched louse feels that way. He is almost certainly oblivious to the fact that its possible he and many of his ilk will die the same way (hopefully they do not go out in some murderous, misogynistic rampage, ala Elliot Rodger).
@Alan:
Yup.
And now I want one for a teddybear!
@epronovost
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is, uh, well. Not considered to be at all reflective of reality. It’s taught in high school and introductory university courses as one of the first models of drives so for a lot of people that’s all they really know! Which is fine. It’s also weirdly taught in, like, organizational psychology – so business courses – because it’s easy to parameterize. But it’s a really, really bad model of human needs beyond the “you need oxygen and food and that stuff to live” level.
Current thinking is pretty diverse and complicated – that’s probably a reason why Maslow’s Nonsense Triangle is still around. We seem to understand that people have various drives and those drives motivate us to take actions to fulfill them. Each one’s fairly independent of the others, and everyone has a different level of importance on each one.
Sex, incidentally, isn’t considered in a number of these theories. The one I’m thinking of lumps sex, intimacy, bonding, etc under a Drive to Bond; a general socializing impulse. So a “need” to have sex can be ameliorated by other social activity. Not sure how well examined that is, but that’s the concept.
So yeah! Maslow is silly, and as someone who’s rather ace, the idea of it as a universal need is a bit silly too. I understand how people who aren’t ace might have a hard time with that concept, but there it is!
As for the original post? I don’t care about anything the incels are saying about that big guy, he’s wonderful. Happy 29th Patrick!
I wouldn’t want to hug a wombat – I came across this video earlier this week, and by golly, wombats can be stroppy little beggars!
Fyi, there’s a LOT of swearing in this, so consider yourself warned! And a tradie refers to tradesman (builder, electrician etc) in Australia and New Zealand.
This is quite possibly the most Australian thing I have ever seen.
Wombat chasing tradie
Huh… enjoyment from the idea of animals also dying virgins… well, if that statement isn’t a form of “(perceived) misery loves company” then I don’t know what is.