By David Futrelle
Last night, some anonymous dude — and I’m pretty sure it was a dude — sent a curious (cat) message to a woman I follow on Twitter:
I want you to understand that you live in a special snowflake bubble and for the rest of us, bisexuality is an attack on men.
The woman in question replied with a simple “what.” And that “what” is quite understandable, as the man’s statement does not make sense by any standard system of logic. Bisexuality is a sexual orientation, not a prejudice, after all, and things that women do for their own pleasure in their own homes aren’t anyone’s business. Also, this dude seems to think that only women can be bisexual, which would be news to a lot of people if true.
But as someone who has studied the peculiarities of manosphere logic for years now, I think I can explain this guy’s strange assertion. I have prepared several diagrams you may find helpful.
First, let’s look at what happens during normal sex-having procedures.
In this world, everything is as it should be: Ladies deliver the required sex units to men, and all men receive the number of sex units that are their due, and everyone is happy. While the men have sex with the ladies at the same time the ladies have sex with the men, no sex units are sent by the men or received by the ladies because ladies aren’t actually interested in sex; they merely store the sex units they are born with until they can be sent to the proper men.
I should add that all the ladies and men depicted are not all in the same bedroom or anything degenerate like that; this is a symbolic representation of the sex system as a whole.
Now look at what happens when bisexuality is introduced.
As you can see, when some ladies in a sex system start having sex with other ladies as well as with men, half of their sex units are wasted on pointless lady-lady sex, which doesn’t really count as sex and even if it did ladies don’t really enjoy sex anyway. (Bisexual men exist too, but their bisexual activity is more like a fun hobby and doesn’t deprive women of anything because women don’t like hobbies.)
With half of the bisexual ladies’ sex units going to waste on other ladies, many men only receive half of the sex units they need and deserve! In the real world, it’s even worse, and some men receive no sex units at all and have to sublimate their sex urges into getting mad at ladies on the internet — especially bisexual ladies who seem like they might be having lots of pointless lady/lady sex and wasting the sex units they could be sending to men who are mad at ladies on the internet.
A bisexual lady sex-unit-denying attack on any man’s happy sex life is an attack on all men. Therefore bisexuality is an attack on men.
It’s really not that complicated at all, now, is it?
“You’re a special snowflake!”, says man who gets upset about literally anything women do.
Klew, women start with 5000 sex units, but they drop them all when they hit the wall like Sonic the Hedgehog drops rings, and have to scramble to pick up even a few to use over the rest of their life.
Hello.
The graphics are nice, but should not they be weighted by some Sexual Market Value parameter ? There is always room for SMV in their discourse, in general…
And what if the units a woman have are over 9000 !? Do men need scouters to check them ?
> WWTH
Hmm, if i am not wrong on the definition of “aromantism”, it is the fact that a person does not feel romantic feelings (does not fall in love) in a relation with someone. Nothing linked to sexuality then. So i do not see why someone can not identify both as LGBTQ and aromantic. I see no incompatibility to be none, one of the two, or both. No ?
On the otherside, asexuality meening that the person is not sexually interested by anyone, maybe it should not identify as LGBTQ ? However, for a person, being a trans person is not a sexual orientation, it is a matter (a state ?) of fact. So, as the sigle LGBTQ is not only something related to sexual orientation, maybe it also should include Asexuality and Aromantism ? Like ALGBTQA ?
If i am wrong with the definitions, do not hesitate to go harsh on me.
Have a nice day.
ALL YOUR VAGINAS ARE BELONG TO US
@wwth
I’m mostly straight (with occasional digressions) so please take what I say in the light of that, but my take on it would be “you should identify as you feel comfortable identifying”.
There will be pressure either way. Some people will strongly think aro people “should” identify as part of the LGBTQ community, some people will strongly think they “shouldn’t”, so sadly you will probably get criticism whatever you do; you might as well establish to your own satisfaction what YOUR opinion is and then go with that.
You’re the only person who knows why you identify the way you do and whether that comes from a place of belonging or privilege. Your sexual nature is yours alone and it isn’t for anyone else to suggest where you belong.
Anyway, er those were my thoughts! Hope that helps a little, sorry you have a dilemma!
@WWTH
You are exactly me about a year ago (aroace, useda not identify queer, now I do), so hopefully this helps?
You can ID as LGBT+ if you like. If you don’t like, you needn’t. Your decision to proclaim yourself part of the broader community or not is entirely your choice and (so long as it’s not for a bad reason) hurts nobody. That said, some stuff to consider…
The reason the gatekeepers are gatekeeping aspecs now is the same reason they gatekept trans and bi folks before. Mostly cisgays being salty about not being the 100% center of attention and slowly losing privilege within a community that useda be named after them in the mainstream but now is a whole initialism of acceptance. It’s literally the same people, using literally (often word for word) the same arguments. To repeat, you’re not responsible for their nonsense regardless of how you identify. Just worth noting why you’re seeing the aroace support these days
1 of the reasons a lot of aspecs don’t ID queer is partly down to erasure of our identities in the mainstream. Most people likely don’t even know we exist, and those that do might not know the initialism goes beyond LGBT to Q and I and A and so on. And, even when I knew, it wasn’t easy to truly accept for a while. Not saying that’s you necessarily, just worth pointing out on the subject. A lesbian would never hafta explicitly state they’re LGBT to be considered as such
I know I said, you can identify however you want so long as it’s not for a bad reason. That you’re cishet is a bad reason. Aromantics are not cishet. We just aren’t. ‘Just not feeling it’ is a perfectly valid reason not to call yourself LGBT+ and hurts nobody. Calling yourself cishet does unfortunately further the idea that aspecs are straight snowflakes stealing resources and infiltrating queer spaces (Yeah, like I said, same shit different day) I usually don’t tell people how to refer to themselves, but I’d ask you reconsider the cishet label. Thank you
Lastly, re: privilege. I accept I may not be the most upstanding or principled view on the subject, but nobody is required to give up privilege. People who abuse their privilege are assholes, but you’re not required to come out anymore than you have in anyway other than you have. If only some family and friends and internet blog buddies knowing you’re aromantic keeps you safe in ways telling everyone you’re queer wouldn’t, you make the best decision for you. It’s our cisheteronormative society that hurts LGBT+ people, not aromantics questioning their place/identities
Hope that wasn’t too splainy. Tried not to be, but I can get a lil passionate about this. Obviously 😛
How do you attack someone from inside a special snowflake bubble?
@WWTH
You are not absolutely not harming anyone else by choosing whether or not to identify as LGBTQ. That is way too much pressure to put on yourself :). It does you credit that you care about how your choices affect others, but in this case you can safely put those worries aside.
If you want to explore whether LGBTQ+ and/or queer are good labels for you without carrying the weight of the entire ace/aro community, please know that there is room for you under these umbrellas. If you want to be queer, you are queer enough. But it’s about you and how you feel. <3
@WWTH
IMO, the LGBT+ community and label is there for people to join if they feel like they need it or want it. For some, it feels affirming to be a part of something larger. Others might not feel the same way, and that’s fine.
It’s YOUR identity. You’re not obligated to change how you present yourself or identify to please others. Do what feels right for you.
@WWTH
Your life’s path and the choices you make are your own, based on your own circumstances; as long as you’re not making those choices intending them to be an indictment of other people’s actions, then they’re not. The existence of poly folks is not a criticism of monogamous relationships in general, just a recognition that monogamy isn’t for polyamorous people.
May I respectfully suggest that you might be overthinking things, and should just do what you feel is right without worrying what others may think of your choice?
@WWTH
I would say the LGBTQ+ communty is an umbrella for all sexualities/gender identities/sexes/romantic inclinations (if that’s the right term?) that fall ourside of the heteronorm, so aro and ace as a whole belong there; however, there’s no need for you as an individual to identify as LGBTQ+ if you don’t feel it.
Thanks all. I’ll mull it over and/or wait until I suddenly out of nowhere make a decision and that’ll be that.
Me? Never!
Huh. Never thought of it that way. Is there a handy acronym or nickname for cis woman who is sexually attracted to men but is aromantic? MAAC (pronounced like mack) woman maybe?
Honestly, because I do live in such a little progressive bubble, loudly proclaiming my aro status is not only perfectly safe but would also make me more socially acceptable. Don’t want a husband/LTR is better than can’t get a husband/LTR. Since I’m sure some of the gatekeeping done to aros is probably something along the lines of “oh, you’re just saying you’re aro because you’re single and looking for excuses of that” it might be a good thing to use my position of safety and privilege to advocate for aro being a real thing.
@WWTH
I’m a bi guy who could kinda sorta be considered aromantic (read: I personally am not pursuing a romantic relationship right now, but I’m open to it), but… Pride is just not one of those things that really gets me excited. Probably because I’m just a private person in general… I’ll express solidarity online, but if the expectation is to wear my identity on my sleeve, nah, that’s a step too far for me. I don’t even do that for the furry part of my identity.
But that’s me. I think like Catalpa said… you gotta do what feels right for you.
@Buttercup
Once again, it’s a marvel that these people have managed to corner the market on the language of Fight Club so completely that their own internal inconsistencies just wash right over them. In the same breath that they’ll rail against identity politics for treating people like a monolithic group and not individuals, they’ll tear a strip off somebody for being so individualistic (like maybe dying their hair or dressing in a certain manner) that they’re “special snowflakes.” I think on a cynical level they know they’re being hypocritical, because ultimately they want to both be celebrated as rugged individualists who don’t follow the herd, but they also want to vicariously live through the achievements of others while weaponizing their majority status against any encroachments on it.
Their abhorrence of the “politically correct” is a great example of that weaponization because it’s what shoves minorities back into those monoliths; even if they aren’t being in-your-face hateful, the ongoing reliance on caricature and stereotypes forces a pushback that demands solidarity. The Trayvon Martin shooting was arguably the first example to be elevated in the new social media age: you had an unarmed black child subjected to some of the worst racial animus after his death (“thug,” “no angel,” “gangsta,” “druggie”) and while the people hurling those insults would similarly call those voicing objections “PC snowflakes”, it wasn’t political correctness that had a lot of black people seeing their own children in Trayvon’s hoodie (including the President of the United States himself!).
But think of any stereotype. “The hysterical woman (that cries rape).” “The lazy black.” “The MS-13 Mexican.” “The drunken Indian.” “The hard-working model-minority Asian.” And so on. Not seeing any individualism afforded to these groups.
In short, being an “individual” is a luxury only afforded to the most privileged. If you’re simultaneously seeing snowflakes and identity politics at once, perhaps the one with the identity crisis is you, because clearly people breaking those stereotypes makes you uncomfortable.
Oops. Forgot to say what my acronym was actually an acronym for. Male Attracted Aro Cis. Of course, since I don’t have a big social media presence, that’s not going to catch on and no one will ever know what I’m referring to : D
@epitome of incomprehensibility
Glue and glitter?
@ epitome of incomprehensibility
With glue?
Dah! sorry about the double!
@Troubelle Maybe we could combine our powers and turn into some kind of Mega Transformer? 😀 *evil laugh*
(Yes, I am far too amused by the OP’s comment. 😀 )
Hang on, so that person thinks that bisexuality is an attack on men. But many men are bisexual. Either he doesn’t realise, so he isn’t the brightest spark. If he does, isn’t he then attacking bisexual men, by telling them they are attacking men? So the guy is himself making an attack on men- but he thinks attacks on men are bad.
Also, if a woman is bisexual, that means she isn’t a lesbian, and so bisexuality leads to less lesbian women. So wouldn’t that mean bisexuality is good for men like this, because it makes it more likely a woman would have sex with a man? Like every single thing they come up with, I don’t think this manurespherian has really thought it through to its logical conclusions…
Hey manosphere!!! My orientation isn’t about you!
I had a lightbulb moment when I found out about aro; I’ve been aro all my life, even though I got married and still am married to a poly man.
All I ever really thought about it was: 1. Well, *that* certainly explains a lot about my life! and 2. Seems like a pretty good way to make a poly relationship work (for us, anyway, since I’m ace now, too.)
I’ve never thought about being part of LGTBIQ.
@nparker:
Nah, he just thinks attacks on men by women are bad. 🙁
@Surplus
Fixed it for you.
I think the main reason it took me so long to figure it out is that women are so heavily socialized to believe that they are supposed to want marriage and to have their self worth tied with being romantically loved by and pursued by men. Combine that with my body image and self esteem issues and I would be just devastated by being dumped or rejected. I didn’t even recognize that the reason why I was devastated was not because I badly wanted to be with the specific guy who rejected me but because it reinforced my underlying self hatred. I would wallow only in my unlovability. For the longest time I just assumed there was something really wrong with me because although I had had a few relationships, they never got serious. Then I really read up on aromanticism and I was like “oh, that explains everything!” It didn’t get rid of all my issues. I’ve still got the body image problems and anxiety about job hunting. But it did get rid of one aspect of my self esteem problems.
So, as a gay unicorn who’s typically a bottom, am I just downstream from everyone else in the whole sex-unit economy? This must be why it’s so difficult for me to get laid: selfish men are hoarding all the sex units. Geez, men can be such jerks.
@WWTH
Just the language makes that clear: a single guy is an “eligible bachelor” no matter the age, while a single woman is a “spinster” or “old maid.”
I’ve shared the story that I live only a few blocks away from Agnes Macphail’s old house in Leaside. She was Canada’s first female MP, and was quoted as saying:
She never married. Here’s a dramatization of her fighting for old age pensions:
http://www.harkavagrant.com/history/mcphail.png