By David Futrelle
Last night, a tweet from writer Lucy Valentine reminded me of the classic A Voice for Men post I wrote about several years back in which MGTOW master chef August Løvenskiolds offered up his unique recipe for “Buck Buck Chicken,” a bland and possibly slightly dry delicacy that even a MGTOW could cook, because all it involved was sticking a frozen, unseasoned chicken breast in an 450 degree oven for an hour while you yelled at feminists online. (No, really, those were his cooking instructions, yelling at feminists included.)
Anyway, this got me wondering if there were any other brilliant MGTOW recipes out there that I could share with you all. Turns out there are!
So let me present to you a recipe from the GoingYourOwnWay.com forums for “a huge pasta salad that you’ll be munching on for days.”
I think you’ll agree that this is definitely not something you will be able to finish in one sitting.
Here’s the list of ingredients provided by Master Chef MGTOWFOREVER, a “senior member” of the forum:
1 or 2 containers grape tomatos
Half a jar of Spanish Olives
1 or 2 bottles Italian dressing(I recommend Robust or House but it can be any kind)
1lb Honey Ham
1lb Pepperoni
1lb cooked salami
1lb Turkey breast
1lb provolone cheese
1lb Pepperjack cheese
1lb Cooper Cheese
Half a jar of parmasian powder cheese.
Huh. Something seems to be missing from this pasta salad recipe. I wonder what it … oh, wait, there’s one more ingredient:
A Box of Tri-color/Rainbow noodles
Ah, there we go!
You may be thinking to yourself that this less a pasta salad than a meat and cheese tray soaked in Italian dressing with a pasta accent. Or wondering if this recipe was provided to MGTOWFOREVER by the Meat and Cheese Council, a la that famous cartoon by Roz Chast.
But, hey, at least MGTOWFOREVER is stoked about his, er, salad. Here’s his advice on how to prepare this lovely meal:
Cook the noodles and as they are cooking , cut up the meat and cheese into squares. I order them at a local deli and ask for the meats & cheeses cut into slabs for chopping.They have EXCELLENT prices.
It’s true, the prices ARE pretty good at Sweeney Todd’s Meats of Uncertain Origins.
You can also use the Kraft or Store brand bag cheeses if you prefer shredded. Dice the tomatoes and olives. Put all of the ingredients except noodles into one bowl.
Into one huge fucking bowl.
Add half the bottle of dressing and a little bit of the parmasian cheese.
Once the noodles are cooked then drain them. Make sure to run the noodles under cold water for about a minute. If you don’t then the cheeses will turn into this ugly mesh looking thing.Pour the noodles back into the pot. Pour your ingredient bowl into the pot of noodles. I use a stock pot for cooking the noodles..
Wild guess: this is the only pot this guy owns.
Shake the shit out of it so everything flows together. Add the remaining dressing and paramasian cheese. You can add croutons or anything else you’d like. Be creative.
When I’m feeling especially creative I will add three or four pounds of microwaved pizza rolls, or perhaps some jalapeno poppers (at least six pounds). I haven’t tried this with MGTOWFOREVER’s pasta salad recipe, but trust me, this PRO TIP adds flavor to whatever it is you’re cooking.
You can also add several dozen bagels or a five-pound bag of Kit Kats (to taste). Garnish with Gummy Bear vitamins and a bar of soap (not the perfumed kind). Sometimes I like to top the whole thing off with an entire roast pig with an apple in its mouth. (You might need a bigger bowl for this.)
Put in the fridge for at least an 1 hour. ENJOY!
You might also have to buy a bigger fridge.
You can also use a California blend veggies. I get a huge frozen bag of that for $2 and add about a 1/4 of it during the last 2 minutes of noodle cooking.
How exactly does one measure 1/4 of a “huge?”
You don’t need to add the whole pounds of meat and cheeses. You can use half pounds(1 slab).
Yeah, if you’re a PUSSY.
I always buy by the pound so I can use the meats and cheese for other things such as chef salad, Macaroni & cheese, to grade for spaghetti, etc.
I’m sure all of your recipes are meaty, cheesy delights.
Yes I love pastas and salads. LOL.
“Salads.”
Where I buy my ingredients cost me a total of $24 and I eat off it for around 4 days. So $6 a day.
There is no fucking way you are buying all this shit for $24 unless you are buying it from Acme Slightly Expired Foods Inc or straight out of the back of a truck. The meat and cheese alone are going to cost maybe twice that.
But there is no question that this dish will provide you with some pretty hearty eating over the course of four days. On the fifth day, you get gout.
Ontarian here, too. And I’m just so tired of this shit. Doug Ford followed Donald Trump’s playbook to the letter, and it won him a majority goverment.
Being morally corrupt didn’t stop him. Being embroiled in scandals and investigations didn’t stop him. Espousing disgusting beliefs about women, minorities, immigrants, and disabled people didn’t stop him. Not having an actual platform or any kind of plan for the economy didn’t stop him. Being projected to have his government run the largest deficit despite ostensibly being the ‘fiscally responsible’ party didn’t stop him.
The NDP provided fully costed plans to improve the province, address major issues like healthcare and hospital shortfalls, Hydro (electricity) privatization causing rocketing prices, etc. They provided an option for a party that DIDN’T have half of their candidates either being sued or under investigation, and they still lost.
Facts, logic, moral decency, plans to actually help the middle and working classes instead of empty promises, none of these are a match for an unqualified rich white guy barking out sound bites about tax cuts and immigrants.
What other options do progressives have, to not lose to this? I just don’t know any more. I used to have faith that people would learn and hold the weaselly right-wing populists accountable, but now I don’t think I do anymore.
It’ll take four days to eat it, and four months to pass it through your colon.
Well, a jury of 5 and a half million of my peers has officially found me guilty of being surplus to requirements and their elected representatives will certainly sentence me to death … eventually. Ford promised to find $6 billion in “efficiencies”, and it’s a sure bet the $13,000 a year or so that Ontario spends on keeping me alive will be part of that $6 billion, since keeping a surplus labor unit alive just on the off chance it will eventually be needed is surely not efficient. The only question is when this chucklefuck takes a hatchet to ODSP … will it be this year? Next? Or not until 2020? Though I doubt he’ll leave it until too close to the next election. Will he do it before or after he makes good on his promise to “end hallway medicine” by sending the patients currently on gurneys in hallways out onto the streets? Will he close as many hospitals as the previous PC government first, or go after disability first? Will the executioner come by with the eviction papers before or after I have an opportunity to see Infinity War Part 2?
Maybe the biggest question for me is what the fuck I should do with what’s left of my life. It’s unlikely now that I’ll see the year 2022, but the exact date is uncertain. What I can be sure of is that the day they announce they’re slashing ODSP will be the first day of the last few months of my life, because I will start drawing down my meagre savings beginning at the start of the following month and will run out some six months later, at most. At most two months after that, no more shelter. And at most six months after that, no more above-zero body temperature, what with the winter climate around here.
This is how they hide the violence of the system these days. Back in the 1940s, the likes of Hitler or Stalin rounded up people they deemed useless, lined them up against a wall, and had them shot; or put them in a camp and either worked them to death or eventually got tired of them and gassed them. That had the unfortunate side effect of making one an international pariah and often led to being violently overthrown, so now the system hides its violence. Rather than actively round me up and have me shot it will simply block me from access to food and shelter and wait for nature to take its course. But I suppose one thing I can do is deny the system its effort to hide its violence. I could keep a couple hundred dollars back, wait until it’s unlikely I can live for many more days, and then use that money on a bus to some suitably public place, yell something about the evils of neoliberalism, and then throw myself off a high precipice or do something else suitably spectacular. A body surrounded by a pool of blood will not permit the system to hide its violence, will it?
But that isn’t for until the end has come. What should I do with the time between now and then? There seems to be nothing I can do now to avoid my fate. I can’t sway the Ontario legislature into sparing ODSP. I certainly can’t sway the bureaucracy when they dispassionately inform me that they are lowering my payments to amounts too meagre for any resident of this province to live on. Bureaucracies in particular exploit diffusion of responsibility as well as rigid procedural rules to make themselves unswayable. They’re specifically designed to kill people with deniability-of-violence in large numbers and with industrial efficiency. And any suggestion of getting a job is just a cruel joke at this point. No-one hires anyone with as long a gap in his employment record as mine, and if they do, it’s for menial labor at sub-living wages with zero job security. The most trying to get such jobs could do is delay the inevitable, while also replacing time-for-myself with time renting my body out to some distant, superwealthy person who voted today to kill me to save himself ten cents on gasoline and lower his taxes.
I can’t save myself. I can’t meaningfully delay the inevitable without demeaning myself and ending up, in all likelihood, with fewer hours of un-obligated time for myself than I’d have had otherwise. So what do I do to make the most of the time I have left, given that I can’t go much of anywhere, do much of anything that charges money for people to do it, meet much of anyone, or have much of a social life of any kind?
I’d hoped things would improve. Maybe one day there’d be a major leftward shift in politics and people like me would be let back into the world again, let into public and social life in some meaningful way other than just an occasional shopping trip for food or suchlike. That isn’t happening now, or at least I won’t be around anymore when it does. So I guess I won’t be marking time until that leftward shift lets me be an actual valued person in society in some capacity. I will never be a valued member of society. I will continue for a while to be one more invisible person shut away in a cramped apartment or else trudging along the side of some road or filling a basket in some supermarket, nothing to see here this is an unperson move along. And then I might spend a shorter while as one of those filthy things shambling around in grey rags under some overpass that people avoid directly looking at, and then an even shorter while as a corpse embarrassingly cropping up in a public place, either in an attention-grabbing suicide or melting out of some snowbank one spring, followed by an afterlife as a statistic.
So I guess whatever’s left of my life will have to be lived for me, privately and alone, on approximately $3 a day (after rent, utilities, and food), for however many months or year or two I have left.
Any suggestions?
@Surplus
Hm. Can you live on one kidney?
In seriousness though, that’s all a major bummer. I just don’t know what I’d do in that situation and I hope it doesn’t turn out to be that dire. If it does, alert us and we might be able to start a Gofundme to keep you alive!
It’s the same all over the world. In Australia, we often have debates over welfare and services for people who can’t work, whether due to illness, or disability, or involuntary unemployment. Successive governments of all political leanings have worked tireslessly to demonise welfare recipients as lazy fraudsters (although the effort required to commit fraud has always been one of its drawbacks, if you ask me). The most recent terminology is that welfare recipients are “leaners” rather than “lifters” and they’ve used that odious rhetoric to stir up public opinion against welfare recipients. This, in spite of a long-standing attitude across Australian society that if you can work, you should. No-one likes a “dole-bludger”, but people who actually do “bludge”* are rara avis. The actual incidence of welfare fraud is a tiny fraction of that demographic. And again, I stress, the left-leaning major party, which alternates with a right-leaning major party to form government, has done little to counteract these ideologically-driven attacks on our most vulnerable.
*BTW, in the land downunder, “bludging” means slacking off, particularly when it’s at the expense of others.
One of my earliest memories is of the “pasta salad” (read: cold macaroni, with canned tuna dumped on top as we watched in horror) that we were served at the unlicensed daycare my parents put me in when I was 2 or 3. It was far from the worst thing about that place, but even 30 years later I feel a serious revulsion to the idea of cold pasta. This recipe isn’t helping.
Although… I think it could be saved. Ditch the pasta, the meat, and the cooper and provolone cheeses. Reduce the amount of dressing to like a cup and change the type to Caesar, which is surely the manliest of dressings. Reduce the pepperjack cheese to a quarter of a pound. Add a head of romaine lettuce. Maybe a little carrot.
Preparation:
Since we’re being all manly, locate a bowl-shaped stone. Blow any debris out of it with your mighty manly lungs, then toss in the head of lettuce. Now find a stick. Bludgeon the lettuce with the stick until dominance has been established.
Next, tear the pepperjack cheese into chunks with your mighty manly hands, trying not to get any into your eyes, then hurl it at the lettuce with great force while making unkind remarks about its bacteriological origins.
Once that’s done, take a fistful of tomatoes in one hand, and fistful of olives in the other. Strike a body-builder’s pose (while holding both fists over the bowl) and, with a mighty manly grunt,* drop them into the salad.
Now you must locate a very rough, sturdy section of tree bark, for it’s time to shave the Parmesan cheese. Real manly men don’t use powdered cheese from a jar! Brace the bark against your mighty manly thigh and, straddling the bowl, vigorously rub your wheel of cheese against the bark until you’ve a nice pile atop your veggies. After you’ve finished the cheese, rub your carrot in the same fashion.
The final ingredient is the dressing, which is where things get a little tricky. Roman emperors are notoriously choosy about who they permit to lay hands on them, but let’s assume you’re able to convince Caesar allow you to milk him. Oh now don’t give me that look- this is no time for squeamishness! We’re making salad here! Grasp his manly bosom with your manly hand, just above the nipple and, gently but firmly, squeeze and pull downward. Do not pinch the emperor,** or the praetorian guard will get testy. It’s sort of a rolling motion; you’ll get the hang of it. Repeat until you have at least a cup.
Drizzle the emperor’s own upon the contents of the bowl. At last, it’s time to toss your salad and enjoy it. Bon apatite!
*Something like HUUWAAAAGHRRR- it’s important to keep up the grunting until the fruits stop moving, so that they know better than to attempt escape.
**Also, please remember to warm your hands before touching the imperial teat.
So, basically “what rich rentier-class folks do while hypocritically calling themselves ‘makers’ and working-class folks ‘takers'”.
Meat, pfft. The manliest salad of all is the candle salad.
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_XXrblRGKhW0/TTSPxVhewKI/AAAAAAAAAM8/w73QucYJpz8/s1600/candle+sal+3.jpg
@Surplus – I’m so sorry that Trumpism’s ugly, vile cruelty has seeped northward and jeopardized ODSP. Ontario never really recovered from Mike Harris and now here you go again.
They’re counting on the fact that the people most affected are those with the least amount of time/resources/spoons to push back. Be as much of a thorn in their side as you can (fascists hate sunlight) and know that you’re valued and loved. You’re not alone. It may feel like the darkness is winning, but there are more of us than there are of them.
Hang in there, and internet hugs to you. Let us know how we can help.
Unfortunately, numbers don’t matter. The rich guys get to make the rules, and the system is stacked by them to ensure they get to. Ford will have 100% of the power with only 40% of the vote — probably actually 37%. The polls had stabilized in the last few days before the election, showing him and the NDP neck and neck. The changes after each 12 hours were in the .1, .2% ranges during that period. But during the election itself they reported 40% for Ford and only 34% for the NDP. I guess we know now how many votes were stolen by hacking the new e-voting machines: 3% of the NDP votes were shifted to PC by nefarious means.
Although I don’t know if “hacking” is necessarily the right word for it. The machines will be owned and manufactured by businesses whose owners are rich bastards who vote conservative. Most likely, like Republican voting machines in the US these ones performed exactly as designed.
As for “valued and loved”, it’s a nice sentiment, but no-one here really knows me very well. In fact I daresay no-one really knows me very well …
@Surplus – OK. Sorry for trying to help.
@Surplus
No-one really knows ANYone else very well. We’re all islands, trapped inside our own minds and bodies, victims and benefactors alike of our physiology and our environments.
Godspeed!*
(*sorry, I couldn’t think of a less theistic term!)
I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful. I just honestly don’t see a way to fix this mess. For me, or for Ontario, or for the US, or for the world.
I lol’d on the bus at this and many people looked at me
I then lol’d again
I think everyone was glad when I got off the bus. You have outdone yourselves today people, everyone can have an internet.
There’s no way I can compete with you all, so all I am going to say is that any MGTOW who makes this is clearly going his own way to an early death, and it wouldn’t even be a tasty one because this unholy creation is the spliced-together stuff of nightmares and made me think of this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntPEQbbHKAw
I mean, if you’re going to gorge yourself to death at least do it on duck a l’orange and deep-fried walnuts. This doesn’t even look like fun.
I would also point out that nowhere does he mention that the turkey breast is cooked
Hello.
Hmm, all this meat in a dish makes me think of this movie… I suppose he watched too much “Meat the Pastastones” ?
Have a nice day and week-end.
@ violet
Well of course not, it’s manosphere food; cooked is just a fancy way of spelling ‘cucked’!
Researching something else and stumbled on this:
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/stefanie-williams/the-problem-millennials-work-ethic-talia-yelp_b_9282244.html
What’s this conservative/neoliberal putz doing on the supposedly-progressive HuffPo?!
I’ve been watching with horror the resurgence of Fascism, but I admit I hadn’t actually been expecting the return of the Futurist Cookbook.
@surplus
Your situation you describe sounds terrible. I know it’s stupid to ask “are you ok”, but are you ok not to harm yourself?
@surplus
All the hugs. I wish I could help. I really hope you’ll be able to hang on long enough for the pendulum to swing back.
http://www.lovethispic.com/uploaded_images/51190-Cute-Cat-Hug.jpg
I’m a bit torn with how the Futurist movement was essentially started by a fascist and yet went on to influence movements that opposed or at least challenged fascism (Dada, Surrealism, et al).
Don’t know if I’d buy that cookbook new, but if I found it secondhand I might. It’d nestle up pretty amusingly next to my Myra Breckinridge Cookbook.
Re the whole meat = manly (and conversely, the idea of soy boys), has everyone seen Hbomberguy’s YouTubes on that? Love love love him.
Also, it’s fun to point out that actual dairy supplies far more estrogens (actual estrogen too, not plant ones) than soy does. Not that it matters outside of their estrophobia.
Re the whole meat = manly (and conversely, the idea of soy boys), has everyone seen Hbomberguy’s YouTubes on that? Love love love him.
Also, it’s fun to point out that actual dairy supplies far more estrogens (actual estrogen too, not plant ones) than soy does. Not that it matters outside of their estrophobia.
I guess in a way they were all responses to WWI – some artists tried to escape into the unconscious, some satirized the violence, and some decided to embrace violence – whether or not the embrace was originally meant to be ironic didn’t really matter ultimately.
I can see how this recipe encourages manly behavior. What is could be more macho than sitting on the can for an hour, grunting? Just grab your favorite men’s mag or gun catalog before you dash in!
@tim guegen
Yup, the Bush-era excuses are on their way. “I didn’t vote for him! I’m an independent! He wasn’t a real conservative anyway!”
@Catalpa
If the past eight years have taught me anything is that resentment is the most powerful electoral force there is. If you have been taught to hate a person or a group of people enough, you will overlook anything–up to an including criminal acts–in service of injuring them. It was folly to think Ontarians are different just because the resentment isn’t necessarily race-based (read: it is, just ask Olivia Chow). The difference is that this resentment is toward the downtown core of Toronto versus essentially the rest of the province, and it’s only gotten worse since amalgamation.
I have four ideas, none of which area easy (but what would be?)
1) A resurgent labour movement — NDP gets back to its organizing roots and actually puts the brakes on blue-collar support for the PCs. Unionize, unionize, unionize, especially the service industries.
2) Unite the left — I’ve seen it twice now: Federally in 2011 and now provincially in 2018, the centrist Liberals don’t do enough to reverse the harmful Tory policies and the vote gets split between the New Democrats and the Liberals. As a result, a united right-wing party wins every time with 38% support. I’d prefer if we didn’t consolidate parties though, which leads into option 3….
3) Do away with First Past The Post — I’ve been warming up to this ever since it was dangled in front of us by Justin Trudeau, but now that it’s placed a goddamned know-nothing in power, it’s outlived its usefulness. Majority governments are nice when the party in power has a concrete legislative agenda that represent a fundamental change of direction from a previous administration’s fuck-ups. But if it’s just sitting there spinning its wheels (or worse, reversing), then we might as well have coalitions that bring many voices and require compromise. This one’s probably easiest as it already has some support behind it, but I think this last one would resolve a lot of the more fundamental issues surrounding the culture of my city.
4) Break up the 6ix — That’s right, do away with the Toronto megacity and return the six boroughs to their own governance. Amalgamation was initially hatched as a way for the Harris Tories to consolidate power by essentially gerrymandering Toronto so that the Conservative suburbs overwhelmed the Liberal stronghold city core. Since then, it’s only caused the city to stall out, if not take steps back on occasion. Mel Lastman was ineffective, whatever gains were made under David Miller were quickly undone by Rob Ford’s ineptitude, and now we have a milquetoast right-wing mayor with Ford’s brother helming the province. I’m willing to bet that the TTC Board of Directors is doing a fair share of drinking today, because it won’t be getting the funding it needs to really address the problems it has.
As an aside, I was talking to a coworker of mine who came to Canada from China and lives in the suburbs, he mentioned that a lot of the immigrants that live around him voted PC due to the sex ed curriculum, so I have a feeling that a fair share of the immigrant population still maintain some of the more conservative cultural traditions. We saw a lot of Muslim families up in arms about it. *shrug*
So yeah, there’s some long-term options. As for the consciences of the individual Ford voter… yeah, not worth trying to salvage. Not at this point. The silver lining though… 6 in 10 didn’t vote PC. So we’re not alone.