By David Futrelle
Last night, a tweet from writer Lucy Valentine reminded me of the classic A Voice for Men post I wrote about several years back in which MGTOW master chef August Løvenskiolds offered up his unique recipe for “Buck Buck Chicken,” a bland and possibly slightly dry delicacy that even a MGTOW could cook, because all it involved was sticking a frozen, unseasoned chicken breast in an 450 degree oven for an hour while you yelled at feminists online. (No, really, those were his cooking instructions, yelling at feminists included.)
Anyway, this got me wondering if there were any other brilliant MGTOW recipes out there that I could share with you all. Turns out there are!
So let me present to you a recipe from the GoingYourOwnWay.com forums for “a huge pasta salad that you’ll be munching on for days.”
I think you’ll agree that this is definitely not something you will be able to finish in one sitting.
Here’s the list of ingredients provided by Master Chef MGTOWFOREVER, a “senior member” of the forum:
1 or 2 containers grape tomatos
Half a jar of Spanish Olives
1 or 2 bottles Italian dressing(I recommend Robust or House but it can be any kind)
1lb Honey Ham
1lb Pepperoni
1lb cooked salami
1lb Turkey breast
1lb provolone cheese
1lb Pepperjack cheese
1lb Cooper Cheese
Half a jar of parmasian powder cheese.
Huh. Something seems to be missing from this pasta salad recipe. I wonder what it … oh, wait, there’s one more ingredient:
A Box of Tri-color/Rainbow noodles
Ah, there we go!
You may be thinking to yourself that this less a pasta salad than a meat and cheese tray soaked in Italian dressing with a pasta accent. Or wondering if this recipe was provided to MGTOWFOREVER by the Meat and Cheese Council, a la that famous cartoon by Roz Chast.
But, hey, at least MGTOWFOREVER is stoked about his, er, salad. Here’s his advice on how to prepare this lovely meal:
Cook the noodles and as they are cooking , cut up the meat and cheese into squares. I order them at a local deli and ask for the meats & cheeses cut into slabs for chopping.They have EXCELLENT prices.
It’s true, the prices ARE pretty good at Sweeney Todd’s Meats of Uncertain Origins.
You can also use the Kraft or Store brand bag cheeses if you prefer shredded. Dice the tomatoes and olives. Put all of the ingredients except noodles into one bowl.
Into one huge fucking bowl.
Add half the bottle of dressing and a little bit of the parmasian cheese.
Once the noodles are cooked then drain them. Make sure to run the noodles under cold water for about a minute. If you don’t then the cheeses will turn into this ugly mesh looking thing.Pour the noodles back into the pot. Pour your ingredient bowl into the pot of noodles. I use a stock pot for cooking the noodles..
Wild guess: this is the only pot this guy owns.
Shake the shit out of it so everything flows together. Add the remaining dressing and paramasian cheese. You can add croutons or anything else you’d like. Be creative.
When I’m feeling especially creative I will add three or four pounds of microwaved pizza rolls, or perhaps some jalapeno poppers (at least six pounds). I haven’t tried this with MGTOWFOREVER’s pasta salad recipe, but trust me, this PRO TIP adds flavor to whatever it is you’re cooking.
You can also add several dozen bagels or a five-pound bag of Kit Kats (to taste). Garnish with Gummy Bear vitamins and a bar of soap (not the perfumed kind). Sometimes I like to top the whole thing off with an entire roast pig with an apple in its mouth. (You might need a bigger bowl for this.)
Put in the fridge for at least an 1 hour. ENJOY!
You might also have to buy a bigger fridge.
You can also use a California blend veggies. I get a huge frozen bag of that for $2 and add about a 1/4 of it during the last 2 minutes of noodle cooking.
How exactly does one measure 1/4 of a “huge?”
You don’t need to add the whole pounds of meat and cheeses. You can use half pounds(1 slab).
Yeah, if you’re a PUSSY.
I always buy by the pound so I can use the meats and cheese for other things such as chef salad, Macaroni & cheese, to grade for spaghetti, etc.
I’m sure all of your recipes are meaty, cheesy delights.
Yes I love pastas and salads. LOL.
“Salads.”
Where I buy my ingredients cost me a total of $24 and I eat off it for around 4 days. So $6 a day.
There is no fucking way you are buying all this shit for $24 unless you are buying it from Acme Slightly Expired Foods Inc or straight out of the back of a truck. The meat and cheese alone are going to cost maybe twice that.
But there is no question that this dish will provide you with some pretty hearty eating over the course of four days. On the fifth day, you get gout.
“Paramasian” cheese? Don’t think I’ve ever come across that one.
However, I’m tempted to try this out, albeit with smaller quantities of meat and cheese, and more pasta accent (preferably wholemeal). This could have something to do with the fact that I’m in the middle of assessments at uni and pot noodles are the culinary highlight of my day (or would be, if my lovely father didn’t bless me with amazing home-cooked meals for dinner).
No, do it yourself. We need to Make America Grate Again.
I would add a package of Beggin’ Strips and a live chicken as garnish. You’re not going to win Top Chef unless you get creative.
Since I’m not sure if Beggin’ Strips is a US only thing
You’re welcome
Lucrece, obviously, the meal would be disgusting without real “paramasian” cheese, so I recommend that you don’t try to make it at all if you can’t find any.
Of course, the edit shows up a few minutes later. Sorry. Have a joke about how the meat salad recipe is more palatable than the traditional MGTOW world salad instead.
Ooh, are those bacon things veggie?
I love that advert btw.
“I can’t read”
Those beggin strip things are made out of bacon; so that slogan seems a bit of a strawman against dogs.
David, instead of gummy vitamins, I’d recommend those sugar free gummy bears from Amazon. Don’t worry, MGTOWS, you can’t have too many!
I prefer a subtler touch with the paramecium myself. Oh. Paramasian? I have no idea what he’s getting at.
This is actually pretty similar to a recipe I’ve made and enjoyed, but with a much, much smaller meat to pasta ratio. Also with some veggies added.
https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/14278/antipasto-pasta-salad/
I am already intimidated by this daunting recipe. The paramasian cheese sounds like a rare delicacy, and all the meats sound way too manly for my silly girl sensibilities. I’m sure this macho mix of mgtow goodness will last more than four days, too. It’s only right to keep it around until you get diarrhea from the last, weeks-old, bite of this precious nectar.
Oh, and adding a jar or two of mayonnaise might add some creaminess to it. But again, I’m too intimidated to try this gourmet delight.
Katherine the Adequate wrote:
I am a manly man and that recipe sounds absolutely revolting to me. (One or TWO bottles of dressing? Did it not have enough fat from all of the fatty meat and cheese?) It seems like a recipe for morbid obesity and heart disease. And gout, as our glorious leader says in the end of his post. Really, it is like the author of that recipe is trying to make the others have even more difficulty attracting women (and more difficulty climbing a flight of stairs).
Holy hypertension Batman!!
Well, I’m off to go sit with dread while Global* announces the verdict and pronounces sentence.
* First election in living memory without CBC live coverage. This election is violating every Canadian election tradition. They’re even starting to use those questionable electronic voting machines!
So much cured meat and cheese. That’s how you get your bowels all backed up.
But there’s all that fat in the dressing and that can cause the runs.
No wonder these guys are angry about everything.
This sounds like a recipe for colon cancer. Seriously, though, that’s a bizarre combination of meats and cheeses…honey ham, provolone, and pepperjack? I mean, on top of the fact that it’s no salad, and the proportions of the ingredients are way off.
I would throw in a live raccoon as a garnish.
[puts on customer service voice]
So, at the pizza place where I work we serve an antipasto salad (that has lettuce, because we only serve betas who like RABBIT FOOD. /s), and it’s pepperoni, salami, and ham with mozzarella cheese sliced thinly, then rolled up a la sushi, then sliced into little rounds we use to decorate the salad with. The salad also comes with tomato, cucumber, and a bit of raw red onion (though we make these salads when they’re ordered, so if you’d like, we can easily leave an ingredient off if you’d prefer).
There’s also the grilled chicken salad which has some made-when-you-order-it chicken that’s grilled with just salt, pepper, and garlic in a cast-iron skillet, then added to the base house salad with your choice of dressing.
We also have a mediterranean salad, which has cucumbers, tomatoes, onions, and feta cheese, and our house salad which just has mozzarella instead of the feta.
We then serve it with a side of dressing of the customer’s choosing, though I would reccomend our House Italian, which is made with red wine vinegar and olive oil, and a few seasonings. We also have a delicious homemade buttermilk ranch that’s honestly spoiled me for any other ranch dressing.
I actually took a picture of the recipe that we have taped to the wall, and mathed out what portions to use for a homemade serving, rather than the industrial bucket one we use for the restaurant.
What is it with “Manly MEN” and eating ridiculous amounts of meat. There is nothing “manly” about going to a store and buying a chunk of animal flesh. In any developed country it requires no special skill, talent or laudable quality in order to eat meat.
It’s the exact same actions required to buy vegetables, bread or tofu meat alternatives.
I’ve always found the ‘traditional’ pasta salad–the sort that always seems to show up at any potluck–to be too questionable in form to try. It’s just one of those things.
This, on the other hand…I don’t think that would mesh very well at all. And speaking as an early uni student, meat is expensive! I never got cold cuts, admittedly, but ground beef started at three-fifty per pound and got more expensive if you wanted less fatty grinds. And that’s something you gotta prepare! (Cheese is even more expensive, but most of the time, it’s an addition or a topping–not a solid component, hence you don’t need as much of that. This guy didn’t get the memo!)
How do you milk the paramecium to make cheese? I have to research this.
@Surplus I suspect a lot of your fellow Ontarians will be saying “Hey, I didn’t vote for Ford!” in short order, even though they did.
This is literally the only thing I could think of when I read the ingredients list for the “salad”:
Also, I am an Ontarian. Pray ’em if you got ’em for us tonight, folks.
Honestly, I’m disappointed in our MGTOW friend. I was expecting more seagull in his recipe.
Sorry if this is a duplicate comment. Sometimes the Brave browser does weird stuff.
I just wanted to express my disappointment in the fact that our MGTOW chef does not use more Seagull in his recipe.
Just a teeny little reminder to some folks that you can’t tell what a person eats by their body type, nor can you tell the state of their health. Equating a heavy body type with gluttony and “poor” dietary choices is erroneous. As well, some people do not have the money to be able to be terribly particular with their dietary choices.
There are healthy fat people who eat pretty much what they are “supposed” to, exercise, and are still fat. There are thin people who eat nothing but “junk” food, never exercise, and are still thin.
Please refrain from body shaming and food policing.