Program Note: I will be on Matt Binder’s DOOMED podcast today (Saturday) at 1 PM eastern

Question 2: What would you say to a male who didn’t hate women and did not post on those forums, but just felt absolutely inadequate about not being able to find love? I mean, if a man googles “I am depressed because I can’t find a girlfriend”, it would most likely lead him to a PUA site or a Incel board or something.
If they somehow ended up talking to YOU, what would you say? What would you say to a man who couldn’t find a date, felt he was unattractive, and was all around depressed and feeling like less than dirt?
Thing is, society pressures men to be “sexual conquerors,” and I don’t think anyone can deny that. Men who “can’t get laid” have no value in society and are mocked and ridiculed. Quiet, introverted men are scorned by men and women alike.
So, if not that awful Incel board…what alternative is there for such men? What would YOU tell such a man?

They could try an improv class

in my experience it’s very difficult to form meaningful connections with people when you’re so in your own head with social anxiety. It prevents you from actually paying attention to the person you are trying to talk to.

So yeah… my advice would be, instead of participating in a toxic and hateful online group, take an improv class to gain confidence, get out of your own head, and meet people.

@Alan Robertshaw

Kinda reminds me of “person with inspirational disability inspirationaly climbs mount olympus!” which then becomes “Why should I pay taxes so you to sit on your fat ass lazy cripple you can literally do anything with out any kind of help at all if you just boot strap hard enough!”

And deprogramming one person takes months of hard work which is months of radicalizing, recruiting and planning/encouraging attacks by the rest.

@ Pug,

I have some thoughts for you too. I’m not sure where to start. Others have already given you much excellent advice.

You had bad things happen, don’t take this out on other people. Don’t automatically have an extreme reaction, stop and think. Don’t let these experiences define you.

Which they seem to be, right now. This seems like a huge, thick, pane of distorted glass you’re filtering your thoughts through.

Is it possible for you to get therapy? See a psychologist?
If this is not possible, try reading some better self help online. I’m nothing close to any type of counselor myself, but it’s pretty easy to see that a lot of this “manosphere” is rather toxic.

Most of them, and you can nit pick over whatever “sub category” you want, they all seem largely the same to me, most all of these people on these sites seem angry, wallowing in self pity, and blaming others for their problems.

Sure, people shit on you. No, it’s not your fault. And NO, that doesn’t mean that EVERYONE ELSE is going to shit on you too, let alone that the way to success is acting like an asshole.

Do you ever look at this stuff and think to yourself: WAT DA FUK?

It literally makes no sense. And just harms others. As well as the people “in it”, it harms them too.

You say you feel “inadequate” for a relationship?

Have you thought about why you even think this is the answer to your problems?

Maybe being a hermit might be a better choice? I’m not necessarily being sarcastic here either. Society (Capitalism) conditions people to seek a particular type of life, but that’s for their profit, not yours.

It’s another thing I’ve noticed in this “manosphere” as well as with men I have been involved with. They all want to get married, have kids, and move to suburbia.

Why?
And not that there’s anything wrong with that, but there are other things to do, and other lifestyles.

Don’t become fixated on what other people tell you is going to make you happy.

I also think you should continue to read here, and if you want to interact, just be polite. Have a question? Ask a polite question. This advice actually applies to everything.

Don’t be a jerk. Ever notice on these “manosphere” sites, that when someone does come in there acting like a jerk, he gets barked at quick. And don’t you dare disagree or even question anything.

In many places, especially more open minded ones, you can question, wonder about, and discuss things with people. You should be polite thought, that’s all.

You can change yourself.

And you can start with having a more open mind.

You can leave the hurts of the past behind too. A therapist can help with that. And you can help yourself, too. First step is to just think – hey maybe I can have a more open mind about this, and anything else too.

Sure, people shit on you. No, it’s not your fault.

uh, in the case of this thread?

it is very MUCH his own fault. I would guess even deliberately so.

his “questions” were chock full of logical fallacies.

if it wasn’t intentional trolling, it sure as hell resembles it closely.

@Pug

We are not your therapist. Do not dump your problems here and expect us to take the time to answer you and the people who have, well you owe them one hell of a thank you because that’s not what we’re here for.

Now, kindly take the name of that Shakespearean fairy and put it back in the box where he can keep making sweet, sweet fairy love to Oberon on the story I’m writing where they have to take one of Tatiana’s kids to blow up their realm.

Oh, and if you don’t want to deal with people going “wow, Incels are shit” because you don’t think that you, yourself, are shit, do not hang out with incels. Because incels are shit. Save yourself. In this case you’re the only one who can.

@ Ichthyic,

What I meant by my thought you quoted, was about abuse.
For this person, or anyone. It is not the abused person’s fault.

I hope that clarifies things.

apparently I need to test my avatar multiple times since this blog keeps *eating all my commmennnttsssss*

The last time I checked, Dr. Nerdlove’s advice assumed a middle-class advice-seeker with middle-class access to resources (e.g. to buy fancy clothes, attend expensive social venues, and other things of that character). The assumption that the person you referred to Dr. Nerdlove has such resources might be incorrect. If there are comparably-purposed sites for working class folks it might be worth mentioning them too (but I don’t know of one, so I can’t fill in that gap myself).

Did we break Pug already??

Damn, I was hoping he would at least come back once!

All of you who spoke to Pug are amazing. I don’t have anything constructive to say, just that I’m impressed and hope to be that eloquent someday.

@ Imaginary Petal,

Re: Matt Binder,

I thought: He seems like a nice young man. Dang I feel old! 😀

@Kat

I know. I am disappoint.

They don’t make chew toys like they used to in my day