By David Futrelle
Fellas! How often do you find yourself wondering if the pretty lady you have a crush on is the pure, untouched virgin you deserve? The “unbroken hymen” thing is bullshit, unfortunately (and that’s assuming she’s one of those ladies who has a vagina). And besides, you’d probably have to buy her an expensive dinner before she’d even let you have access to that whole area down there.
But you’re in luck! There are several foolproof ways to tell if she’s a virgin without having to get into her pants! A helpful video titled “10 Signs Of Women Who Are Not Virgin (They Can’t Lie To You Anymore)” details, well, ten signs that women aren’t virgins, so they can’t lie to you any more, all helpfully explained by a robot voice and illustrated with stock footage.
Apparently “the character of a virgin woman can be known by observing her physical appearance,” because sex literally alters a woman’s body, from her ears to her back to her boobs And not in a good way!
You can watch the entire video below (it’s only six minutes long) but here are a few of the key findings:
THE NOSE:
“The tip of the nose of a woman who is not a virgin will look faded or pale red. The virgin woman, the tip of her nose would look red. There is no scientific explanation about it yet but most likely it is based on empirical observations from the public.”
THE BACK
“Women’s backs will change because of two things — the influence of hormones and because of the touch of men. Women who have had sex will have an enlarged back. … her back will look wide and big and will be seen clearly as she walks. …
“During sex the back of the women will become erect and after completion of the back will loose in fall. The more frequent sex will make the back more slack.”
THE EARS
“Generally, women who are not virgins during sex will receive stimulation from the man in [their] ears by kissing … [This] will make the ears become more saggy and red.”
THE FOREHEAD
“The virgin’s forehead will look slippery while women [who] are not virgin will look wrinkled and streaked like an old man’s forehead.”
THE BOOBSTERS
“Usually the breasts that have been touched by a man will loosen [and] when [she] is running will be seen waving.
“Meanwhile the breasts of women who have never had sex will remain stable and not to wave despite being run.”
THE NIPS
“Women who have touched a man, usually [their] nipples will be longer and slightly out of place. Breasts that have been on a man’s suction, usually [the] nipples will become more bruised.”
THE EYES
“[W]omen who are no longer virgins will be visible from the outside especially by those who have much experience on this subject.
“If we look at the eyes of a woman who is not a virgin anymore the bottom of her eyes there are a few folds and look bruised. …
“The virgin girl her eyes will look radiant and there are no black marks, lines or bruises.”
THE CHEEKS
“The cheeks of women who had sex did not look radiant. … A virgin girl has a sweaty cheek even in a cold place.”
PINKIE FINGERS
“If the little finger of a woman is held tightly and she is not aroused, chances are she is not a virgin. But if she feels a little bit aroused … and there is a slight throbbing pain then chances are [she’s] still a virgin.”
BELLIES
“Women who have had sex will have a swollen abdomen and a little distended. During intercourse women will use abdominal muscles that cause the stomach to expand, and after the sexual activity is complete the stomach will be slightly distended.”
LIPS
“Lips of women who have never kissed a man with lust will look reddish … The woman who has ever kissed [her] lips by the man will look cracked … and when laughing [her] lips will look bigger.”
So now you know what to look for, fellas! Good luck in your virgin hunt!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYMFT7e9Rag
H/T — r/badwomensanatomy
WWTH:
I’ve read somewhat charitable reinterpretations of her infamous “beautiful mind” quote about casualties of the Iraq war (not that I’m convinced), but that Katrina quote is pretty unambigous:
“What I’m hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas. Everyone is so overwhelmed by the hospitality. And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them.”
Yeah, excuse me if I don’t shed any tears for her.
I suppose it’s no surprise that Korea has its own gamergate-style movement: Dark side of play for S. Korea’s female game makers. Women who work in gaming are in fear of being hounded out of their jobs if they post anything which smacks of feminism.
From the examples I’ve seen over the years, most virginity tests equate “virgin” with “whatever a pre-, or just barely pubescent, upper-class girl is expected to look like in our society.” The reasons why society might wish to stack the virginity tests against lower-class girls are left to the readers’ imaginations.
Scildfreja:
More like buying some soft skinned fruit, like peach. You can see if it’s been ruined by someone who just likes squeezing fruits at the supermarket.
Dvärghundspossen:
Or specifically a woman, since applying that word to men has always seemed like a joke or at best an afterthought.
IDK, I think normal people apply it quite readily to men too? Although the kind of people David keep track of are obviously quite fixated on the virginity of women.
I think normal people nowadays may discuss virginity casually, in a roughly gender equal fashion, but historically many took it quite seriously – and I think they only ever took it seriously for women.
I’m very confused. The non-virgin women sound like a lot of the nuns that taught in my Catholic grammar school.
Maybe they were like the ones in “The Devils” having orgies In the nunnery? That makes me see them in a much fonder light. “Shut up, kid, I’m anxious for my three o’clock group’
@KatieKitten420
Something that I’ve run into as a bisexual woman is that some lesbians feel really, really afraid of losing their partners to men. Society is so stacked against homosexual relationships, and they feel that men can provide better lives than they could as lesbians. It’s insecurity. (And biphobic as fuck, but that’s another post. )
I don’t know if this is relevant to your situation, and I don’t have any advice that everyone else hasn’t given. Sometimes you can help your partner work through their insecurities, but it’s still on them to do the work, and it’s not on your shoulders if they can’t/won’t.
Figure out what you want first. Are you willing to put in the emotional labor to help her work through her issues? There’s no shame in not wanting to, or not being able to- this is HER issue, not yours. And is she willing to do the hard work of taking responsibility and changing herself, rather than blaming you for her feelings? Because you can’t force someone else to change themselves, and it’s not on your shoulders to do so.
Videos like the one that this post is about kinda get me scratching my head and contemplating Poe’s Law. The definition for posterity (although I imagine most of us have come across it):
I’d imagine that the video in question was parody were it not for the fact that it’s so damned hard to tell whether or not people actually believe things. It’s a defense mechanism enabled by anonymity: people simultaneously believe in everything and nothing all at once and the minute a line gets crossed, they can pull back and say “Just joking, it was satire!”
This is something that bothers me about the current communication methods; trying to nail down somebody’s actually-held beliefs becomes a chore of peeling back twelve layers of lacquered irony and about three different character personas to get to the reality buried deep within there.
Despite me being an anonymous Mountain Lion furry, that’s only cuz of the dirty stuff I draw and/or write. I say what I mean and mean what I say (a phrase an old English teacher of mine used to repeat in class), and if I am being sarcastic, I make that clear. If it isn’t clear for somebody, I take the necessary steps to clarify.
There’s another somewhat disturbing trend I’ve noticed on YouTube mostly, but on other social media sections as well. Part of this new media paradigm where everybody has to have a “brand” and part of that “brand” involves expertise in almost literally everything. Any half-baked blog reader with a camera and a microphone is now an expert in all things political, historical and cultural, and what I find distressing is that people are glomming onto these YouTube randos instead of cracking open a book on the subject, preferably ones stocked in libraries.
Expertise is devalued enough as it is and we don’t need xXxTheEdgySphincter6969xXx citing expertise in the field of sussing out “Cultural Marxism”. Because despite his name, somebody is going to take him seriously.
Kinda confused, Dvärghundsposse.
Virgin forest, virgin soil, jump virgin, extra virgin olive oil – none on them are women. (Well, jump virgins are about 35% of the time 😛 ) It’s just a descriptive word.
Edit:
@Dawnpurityseeker
Hell of a lot of hard learned wisdom in those few words. Salud!
Oh, and incidentally, I finally fixed my computer problems! (YAY!) My new EVGA SuperNova power supply solved it.
I’ve stuck the old AcBel Hba008-za1gt 350 on a pike as a warning to the rest of my computer components not to screw with me. (Seriously, that power supply is going for $20 on eBay right now. How that cheap piece of shit lasted 6 years is beyond me…)
It’s weird, ‘virgin’ was used as an insult (mostly at girls, by both girls and boys) when I was in school, despite the fact that pretty much everyone was a virgin. AND people got ragged on for having done sexual stuff too. Crikey, just realised the amount of cognitive dissonance it took to always be bashing your peers for shit, shit I’m pretty sure everyone genuinely considered irrelevant outside of an excuse to give someone crap.
Teenage boys never seemed to care whether girls they liked were virgins or not, really, but maybe I’ve never known any who were like that. Adult men I’ve known who care about it seem to have one or a combination of the following: feeling threatened by a woman having a basis of comparison, don’t like other men to have ‘enjoyed their woman’ or feel like their worth, as a man, is diminished somehow – probably due to feeling entitled to a rigid set of standards in a woman.
Ok so applying this virgin test to myself just for the fun of it:
Nose: Tends to be a bit red actually, I usually cover that up with foundation and powder. Virgin!
Back: Well, since I go to the gym a lot my back is pretty muscular and wide, it’s not invisible, but it’s not slack either. I’d say my back is indeterminate between virgin and sex-haver.
Ears: Neither saggy nor red as far as I can tell. Virgin!
Forehead: Pretty smooth I must say. Virgin!
My boobs actually don’t bounce around that much, they tend to stay in place. I used to think it was because I’m pretty flat chested, but now I know it’s a sign of virginity.
Don’t really have long or bruised (?) nipples. Virgin!
Eyes: I am getting a few wrinkles there, and I daren’t call them “radiant”, so, ok, no virgin eyes.
No sweaty cheeks either.
Also no pain in my pinkie on arousal (??????).
No swollen abdomen. Virgin!
No cracked lips. Virgin!
Verdict: I don’t tick ALL of those boxes but a vast majority of them. So I’m clearly a virgin going by this test. A 41-year-old, married since 17 years, virgin. Amazing.
Radiant eyes must be pretty useful for seeing in the dark.
Cats are always virgins.
According to this I’m about 3/4 virgin.
Blue cat and weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee
That is beyond disgusting. Truly horrible. My heart goes out to them.
Dear Governor Bevin,
People were not offended because they didn’t understand what you meant. People were offended because they did.
@KatieKitten420
I tried poly about 20 years back and while I was sure I’d be able to handle it… I wasn’t. The jealousy started kicking in the first time my partner was intimate with he other partner without me. And I handled it just as poorly as your current gf is.
So put my in the category of end it with her now before it goes further because I remember how I handled as it got further and I wouldn’t wish past-me’s behavior on anyone.
I’m better now but it took me 15 years to get the emotional maturity to even be close to being okay with it… and my wife is a fetish model who’s had shoots that involved other partners with no emotional connection and I would still get jealous and untrusting. It was her eternal patience with me that helped me through. And her refusal to let my insecurities define her.
@Shadowplay
?????
Nothing like acting the fool to teach you what NOT to do in life, right? ?
Hear you on that. 😉 Takes a few repeats sometimes.
NEWSFLASH! Michael Cohen’s mystery third client has been named…
… And it’s Hannity.
http://i.imgur.com/sDWLaUB.gif
So much this. I shouldn’t have had to feel guilty even thinking bad things about my abusive grandfather or ex just because they died.
@WeirdEddie
I need to do something about this damn state…
@Alan,
So THAT’S why virgin olive oil is called that! I always wondered about that, but never thought to search from r it whenever I was surfing the ‘net. Thanks.
While we’re on the subject of sports bras…are those considered as underwear or overwear? Like, if I walked out the door wearing just that as my shirt, would I be arrested for indecent exposure? Also, how do you size those things compared to regular bras? The ones I looked at recently had a different sizing chart than what I normally see. Like, S, M, L, X, 2X, etc. as opposed to 24B, 42C, 35D, etc. Kinda confusing, to be honest.
On virginity: a book I read years ago (Manwatching, which I think was written by Desmond Morris), had a section on virgins and virginity. He stated that while virginity was valued across several cultures over a loooooong stretch of time, who/what each culture considered ‘virgin’ varied quite widely.
Like, one culture would consider a woman who hadn’t given birth yet to be a virgin, another would consider one who hasn’t done their stint as a Sacred Prostitute a virgin, and so on. While I have no idea how true that was (haven’t studied any ancient cultures THAT closely to see such things), I did find the idea interesting that not all human cultures did the ‘virgin = never had piv sex’ thing common nowadays.
Though what that book described didn’t come close to a definition of virginity I stumbled across once on a PUA site ages ago (an article on the misogyny that produced George Sodini linked to it). The blog post in question was just a short ‘I hate women’ sentence, with the usual 1,000,000,000,000+ explicit comments on why women suck. Amongst the crap was this whiny rant by a guy who was upset because he was going to fall in love with just one woman in his life, and have all his ‘firsts’ with her, and only her.
First crush, first love, first marriage, etc., all with that same woman. Except the woman he fell for, well, whatever happened it didn’t work out, and they broke up. And now that guy hated all women with a fiery passion for all eternity because that one woman stole his emotional virginity and HE’LL NEVER GET IT BAAAAACK AGAIN!!!!!!!!
Yeah, that’s a whole new level of…something there.