By David Futrelle
Fellas! How often do you find yourself wondering if the pretty lady you have a crush on is the pure, untouched virgin you deserve? The “unbroken hymen” thing is bullshit, unfortunately (and that’s assuming she’s one of those ladies who has a vagina). And besides, you’d probably have to buy her an expensive dinner before she’d even let you have access to that whole area down there.
But you’re in luck! There are several foolproof ways to tell if she’s a virgin without having to get into her pants! A helpful video titled “10 Signs Of Women Who Are Not Virgin (They Can’t Lie To You Anymore)” details, well, ten signs that women aren’t virgins, so they can’t lie to you any more, all helpfully explained by a robot voice and illustrated with stock footage.
Apparently “the character of a virgin woman can be known by observing her physical appearance,” because sex literally alters a woman’s body, from her ears to her back to her boobs And not in a good way!
You can watch the entire video below (it’s only six minutes long) but here are a few of the key findings:
THE NOSE:
“The tip of the nose of a woman who is not a virgin will look faded or pale red. The virgin woman, the tip of her nose would look red. There is no scientific explanation about it yet but most likely it is based on empirical observations from the public.”
THE BACK
“Women’s backs will change because of two things — the influence of hormones and because of the touch of men. Women who have had sex will have an enlarged back. … her back will look wide and big and will be seen clearly as she walks. …
“During sex the back of the women will become erect and after completion of the back will loose in fall. The more frequent sex will make the back more slack.”
THE EARS
“Generally, women who are not virgins during sex will receive stimulation from the man in [their] ears by kissing … [This] will make the ears become more saggy and red.”
THE FOREHEAD
“The virgin’s forehead will look slippery while women [who] are not virgin will look wrinkled and streaked like an old man’s forehead.”
THE BOOBSTERS
“Usually the breasts that have been touched by a man will loosen [and] when [she] is running will be seen waving.
“Meanwhile the breasts of women who have never had sex will remain stable and not to wave despite being run.”
THE NIPS
“Women who have touched a man, usually [their] nipples will be longer and slightly out of place. Breasts that have been on a man’s suction, usually [the] nipples will become more bruised.”
THE EYES
“[W]omen who are no longer virgins will be visible from the outside especially by those who have much experience on this subject.
“If we look at the eyes of a woman who is not a virgin anymore the bottom of her eyes there are a few folds and look bruised. …
“The virgin girl her eyes will look radiant and there are no black marks, lines or bruises.”
THE CHEEKS
“The cheeks of women who had sex did not look radiant. … A virgin girl has a sweaty cheek even in a cold place.”
PINKIE FINGERS
“If the little finger of a woman is held tightly and she is not aroused, chances are she is not a virgin. But if she feels a little bit aroused … and there is a slight throbbing pain then chances are [she’s] still a virgin.”
BELLIES
“Women who have had sex will have a swollen abdomen and a little distended. During intercourse women will use abdominal muscles that cause the stomach to expand, and after the sexual activity is complete the stomach will be slightly distended.”
LIPS
“Lips of women who have never kissed a man with lust will look reddish … The woman who has ever kissed [her] lips by the man will look cracked … and when laughing [her] lips will look bigger.”
So now you know what to look for, fellas! Good luck in your virgin hunt!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYMFT7e9Rag
H/T — r/badwomensanatomy
@Everyone:
My apologies for what I said to the troll on page 1. I was trying to be funny, but in the cold light of day it just comes off as immature. Will try to do better in future.
@KatieKitten420:
My experience of poly is that it works very well for some people, okay for others, and badly for some; and nobody knows which group they’re in until they try it. It sounds like it works very badly for your girlfriend. She sounds like she didn’t know this ahead of time, went in with the best of intentions, and is now panicking. From what you’ve said, I would say that you cannot be both poly and also be her girlfriend.
I would agree with Dalillama that there’s only one thing you can really do for your own safety, which is to break up with her. Staying with her is not going to make the drama go away, it’s just going to teach her that she can use it to control you. This isn’t a healthy sort of relationship to be in.
I would also add that it sounds like there’s a fair chance that you will become That Ex to her. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t break up, but you should mentally prepare for the possibility that she starts talking harshly about you behind your back.
From a quick look the channel is based in Indonesia. While I understand the reason for the poor English, the misogyny is so blatant that I don’t feel bad about mocking how it’s expressed.
Taken literally, this appears to be saying that in the absence of a scientific explanation, the most likely reason for the redness of virgins’ noses is that members of the public are observing them. Which raises even more questions than it answers…
Hello.
Clearly a virgin.
Yeah, i think this sum up all the video.
That is said, i wonder what they would give as the ten tips to recognize a virgin dude from a non-virgin one. I mean, except for posting on incel forums.
Have a nice day.
Where my sweaty cheeks ladies at
@EJ
This is a conversation I had yesterday, so while it’s still fresh I’ll give you my 2 cents.
As far as I’m concerned, using your privilege to wedge yourself between the bullet and its target is never immature. I’m sure I’m not the only one here who feels that way, especially seeing as I’m definitely not the only one who really wouldn’t want to go anywhere near that bullet, even though trolls mostly see me as a cismale and all that.
@occasional reader
You. Are. A. Treasure.
The weirdest thing is how they think non-virgin women are basically covered with bruises.
I missed the troll! But I enjoyed the takedowns.
Spotting virgins from a distance is medieval nonsense, but it has surprising purchase still. It’s funny but it’s also profoundly damaging and horrible.
I knew at least one woman who had been raped as a child and was terrified people would be able to tell.
There was a chap (I forget his name) in South Africa, a preacher I think, who proposed testing boys’ for virginity too. He was adamant he was the only person qualified to test them. Turned out his method was to inspect their penises and, ahem, find out whether they came or not… it didn’t end well, as I recall.
Sorry, I’m still stuck at the bouncy breasts.
I think I had a E cup by the time I hit 14. This days I have HH by UK measures. And since I have been blessed by my families loose connective tissue my boobs have always been very pendulous.
All boobs bounce when running. Even A cups strapped into the best sports bra money can buy bounce.
The only boobs that don’t bounce are those that aren’t there.
So. I agree that the video is equating ‘virgin’ with ‘prepubescent’.
Ick.
Mind you, my boobs bounce a lot and I’m still a virgin at 34. Cause I’m aro and ace. And sex is something that happens to other people.
@KatieKitten420
Put me down as another voice in the “this isn’t going to work with your gf” column. If you were clear from the beginning that this was a poly relationship, then her response is unreasonable. Not the emotions behind it – especially if this is her first poly relationship, since she wouldn’t know how she’d react – but her response to them. You can be hurt and still realize that the cause of your pain is the situation, not the person, and the fact that she’s putting the blame on you is a very bad sign.
And definitely seconding EJ; if she’s blaming you for having sex with your bf, there’s a high likelihood she’s going to blame you for everything when this goes further south than it already has…which it almost certainly will.
Be careful with this person, and be safe.
Thanks, Sinkable John.
@bluecat:
Oh dear.
The saddest thing is that while this is a case of yet another priest behaving like too many priests do, it touches on some very widespread beliefs.
Male virginity is an important social construct in South Africa, deeply tied to concepts of adulthood and masculinity. In traditional communities, boys are circumcised at puberty rather than at birth. As part of this, a lot of people do believe that there is some biological basis to male virginity, which often manifests in a belief that there’s such a thing as a male hymen.
I’m not an expert on this and I’m also white, so I’m not going to risk mis-explaining it any further – but it’s worth reading about if you’re interested in the sociology of virginity and masculinity.
What I want to know is how quickly these effects take place. Do you get a back like a silverback gorilla within hours of first having sex, or does it take a few weeks? Do your nipples migrate at a measurable rate? And the swollen abdomen: do you need to take maternity clothes to your first sexytimes, because your old waistband won’t fit afterwards?
The wavy breasts thing is just weird. Few things fascinate a straight boy/man more than boob jiggle, so telling your audience that a virgin’s breasts don’t move seems unlikely to convince them.
whadasurprise… Matt Bevin, governor, is surprised there are consequences for acting like a dick….
https://www.cnn.com/2018/04/15/politics/matt-bevin-apology-sexual-assault-teachers-protest/index.html
I’m bettin’ he’s not sorry he said it, nor is he sorry he believes it, he’s just sorry he got called out on it.
E.T.A. damn femi-librul teacher-ists….
@KnittingCatLady, Can confirm, I’m a B-cup virgin (Ace club!) and they STILL bounce. I wear sports bras all the time because I like to run around but the bouncing is annoying as heck. Curse you, combination of boobs and gravity!
from last night…
wow… just… … wow
(though there are some good ones in there)
E.T.A. “… you speak like the mold that grows on the festering dung of a diseased rat that has drunk the piss of a dying camel…”
courtesy of a “Erotic Legacy”, a soft-core porn novel from my high school daze….
@EJ
I don’t know anything about the specific social group you’re discussing, but I’ll speculate that there may be something about the breaking of ‘the banjo string’ to it. For anyone not familiar with this, the foreskin of some people can be a little inelastic and may sometimes split when the penis is put to use in the early days of it’s career. I think when it reheals it has a little more give to it.
I’ve just realised I (perhaps wrongly) use this for my basis of understanding for what happens to ‘the female hyman’ because I’ve witnessed this happen and discussed it with men, whereas I don’t know any women who ‘bled the first time’ and I didn’t myself. Which leads me to my next point; I’m not sure how common this is, but I assume it is about as common as with women because I know men it has happened to but no women. Of course, that goes out the window when you factor in that a lot of men have had their foreskins removed before they reach that point
@Weird Eddie: Given the creativity of your average troll, I’m betting he used an insult generator.
When a guy says something like that, I just pretend I know what sport they’re talking about.
I bruise super easily and I actually have gotten all bruised up from sex that isn’t even kinky or rough in any way. Like finger marks on my arms or hips. It’s weird.
But those fade in a couple of days. They’re not permanently tattooed on my flesh or anything. So it still doesn’t really explain this.
@Weird Eddie, Nequam, Schnookums & anyone else who may have picked that up
To clarify, that Captain Haddock styled rant was not last night’s troll. That was Miggs/Seagull Guy having one of his most epic meltdowns, which was waaay more entertaining than… ugh, whatever the fuck last night was supposed to be.
I used to have a print of it, carried it in my wallet for a while until I lost said wallet. Good times.
Still sounds like something done with a generator script, though I admit that “Usurers” looks like an attempt to change up the ((usual insult)).
Isn’t it a little weird that we actually have a word for “person who hasn’t had sex”? Imagine if there was a word for, like, person who’s never driven a car. A drirgin. Or a person who’s never bought a house. A horgin. A person who’s never been to the ocean. An ocirgin. And so on.
If you accept as a premise that men are SMART and women are FRAGILE COMMODITIES, it all makes sense. Smart mans can tell if a female-commodity is spoiled because there will be signs. And since he’s smart, he can see those signs, because females are easily spoiled and bruised by use, donchakno.
It’s kinda like going to the supermarket and buying a melon. You can tell if it’s ripe with a bit of a squeeze and shake and knock-about.
Reminds me of the MRA troll (I think it was here) who claimed that sperm travel through a woman’s body to her brain and affects how she thinks. So there’s a triple-tall slice of body horror for you.
@ scildfreja
Although ‘virgin’ in the sense of unmarried or chaste dates back to Roman times (as virginem or virgo); it was even then used as a generic adjective for fresh or unused (cf olive oil), so nothing new there.
Ugh. Barbara Bush hasn’t even died yet and already the press is recasting her as some sort of sweet grandmother type. And reframing her famous meanness as “outspoken.” Because being outspoken as a woman is okay if you use that outspokeness to put down poor people and people of color I guess.
I mean, this is a person who said after hurricane Katrina that the overcrowded and unhygienic conditions refugees were staying in in the Super Dome were no big concern because they weren’t any worse than what they were used to.
Sorry. I just hate it how we’re all required to think someone’s amazing and wonderful just because they died or are terminally ill. I don’t fault friends and family for saying positive things and don’t have an issue with people offering condolences, of course. Just when the press decides to give glowing accounts of people that makes me roll me eyes.
I think that these dudes have a lot more trouble on their hands than just determining if their produce is despoiled or not. Mainly in realizing that said produce actually has its own thoughts and emotions (shocking!), and that the vast majority of them would run away screaming from dudes like this. Why bother about whether the “seal of freshness” has been broken or not when you’re never going to be allowed anywhere near it in either case?