By David Futrelle
Fellas! How often do you find yourself wondering if the pretty lady you have a crush on is the pure, untouched virgin you deserve? The “unbroken hymen” thing is bullshit, unfortunately (and that’s assuming she’s one of those ladies who has a vagina). And besides, you’d probably have to buy her an expensive dinner before she’d even let you have access to that whole area down there.
But you’re in luck! There are several foolproof ways to tell if she’s a virgin without having to get into her pants! A helpful video titled “10 Signs Of Women Who Are Not Virgin (They Can’t Lie To You Anymore)” details, well, ten signs that women aren’t virgins, so they can’t lie to you any more, all helpfully explained by a robot voice and illustrated with stock footage.
Apparently “the character of a virgin woman can be known by observing her physical appearance,” because sex literally alters a woman’s body, from her ears to her back to her boobs And not in a good way!
You can watch the entire video below (it’s only six minutes long) but here are a few of the key findings:
THE NOSE:
“The tip of the nose of a woman who is not a virgin will look faded or pale red. The virgin woman, the tip of her nose would look red. There is no scientific explanation about it yet but most likely it is based on empirical observations from the public.”
THE BACK
“Women’s backs will change because of two things — the influence of hormones and because of the touch of men. Women who have had sex will have an enlarged back. … her back will look wide and big and will be seen clearly as she walks. …
“During sex the back of the women will become erect and after completion of the back will loose in fall. The more frequent sex will make the back more slack.”
THE EARS
“Generally, women who are not virgins during sex will receive stimulation from the man in [their] ears by kissing … [This] will make the ears become more saggy and red.”
THE FOREHEAD
“The virgin’s forehead will look slippery while women [who] are not virgin will look wrinkled and streaked like an old man’s forehead.”
THE BOOBSTERS
“Usually the breasts that have been touched by a man will loosen [and] when [she] is running will be seen waving.
“Meanwhile the breasts of women who have never had sex will remain stable and not to wave despite being run.”
THE NIPS
“Women who have touched a man, usually [their] nipples will be longer and slightly out of place. Breasts that have been on a man’s suction, usually [the] nipples will become more bruised.”
THE EYES
“[W]omen who are no longer virgins will be visible from the outside especially by those who have much experience on this subject.
“If we look at the eyes of a woman who is not a virgin anymore the bottom of her eyes there are a few folds and look bruised. …
“The virgin girl her eyes will look radiant and there are no black marks, lines or bruises.”
THE CHEEKS
“The cheeks of women who had sex did not look radiant. … A virgin girl has a sweaty cheek even in a cold place.”
PINKIE FINGERS
“If the little finger of a woman is held tightly and she is not aroused, chances are she is not a virgin. But if she feels a little bit aroused … and there is a slight throbbing pain then chances are [she’s] still a virgin.”
BELLIES
“Women who have had sex will have a swollen abdomen and a little distended. During intercourse women will use abdominal muscles that cause the stomach to expand, and after the sexual activity is complete the stomach will be slightly distended.”
LIPS
“Lips of women who have never kissed a man with lust will look reddish … The woman who has ever kissed [her] lips by the man will look cracked … and when laughing [her] lips will look bigger.”
So now you know what to look for, fellas! Good luck in your virgin hunt!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYMFT7e9Rag
H/T — r/badwomensanatomy
Glad you put up that clear and direct warning there, woulda been easy to miss all those other red flags…
So, we’re all in agreement him and thatotherfuckinguy gotta go, right?
Yeah as soon as David checks his email
http://gifimage.net/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/ban-hammer-gif-5.gif
@Man Splainer
Will you attempt to persuade me? I’m almost as old as the original Ford Mustang.
“They couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist…”
If I’m reading this right, ‘women’ who have not had sex are invisible. Which means there could be a ‘woman’ here, right now, all red (but invisibly so!) and sweaty, skin stretched tight over breasts like granite, and I wouldn’t even know it until she was… what? Tearing at me with her terrible, aching pinkies? Is that what these strange beings do?
I can’t help but think of the last verse of a song I listened to yesterday, Stars in my Eyes by Heaven Falls Hard:
I will wait for you; I won’t breathe, I won’t move
I’ll keep a close watch upon the skies,
with your blood on my hands and my tears full of the pride
If I lock my doors and windows, will I be safe? Or can one just slide right through the walls (backward), since they apparently don’t have any mass from certain angles?
Did… did anyone hear a noise? Hello? I’m all gristle I tell you if anyone is listening with ears (that do not sag). Please do not send your H-K nipples after me. You’ll misplace them. I heard it from a robot, and everybody knows that a robot cannot lie.
He is. Fifty dashes in two paragraphs is his biggest tell.
@troll
http://i.imgur.com/SwUDPx4.jpg
The phrase “throbbing pinkies” and a troll talking about persuasion?
I have the urge to listen to Throbbing Gristle all of a sudden. It would certainly be more pleasant and interesting than reading mansplainers tedious and threatening garbage.
Whenever Spam Plainer says ‘bishes’, it sounds like he’s talking about bishounen. Which is a good example of being funny by accident.
Man Splainer is banned, I may delete some comments too. SOrry about the delay.
Thank you, David!
One hour and seven minutes. Is that the shortest a troll’s ever lasted before being banhammered?
David – what delay? Under half an hour by my watch. 😛
I have some black/bruise color under my eyes. Apparently someone took my virginity without telling me. Hope they return it soon.
David just did.
@troll
http://i.imgur.com/tWiDc5M.jpg
At first I thought that was Seagull Guy, seeing as fguy’s here and he likes to pull that dyanmic duo bullshit with himself, but that was really fucking disappointing. I mean :
If aching pinkies are a sign of feminine virginity, some grandmas in the nursing homes might have unwittingly regained their maidenheads.
As long as we’re making baseless assumptions of sexual experience, here are MY OWN:
1. A virgin dude has hair in his armpits. A slutty dude will have hair on his navel. Sexual experience points manifest in a 1:1 ratio as happy-trail hair. IT’S SCIENCE DAMMIT NO I DON’T HAVE TO CITE SOURCES
2. A virgin dude has aching thumbs, because all he does, ever, is play console video games. Clearly.
3. A virgin dude will always cream himself during foreplay, before heterosexual intercourse. This ensures he will remain pure until a feeeemaaale can ensnare him in bonds of matrimony, whereupon the feeeemaaale will pounce on the poor innocent before he knows what hit him. If any man is able to last long enough to please a female partner, he is clearly a slutty, worthless Chad. With cooties.
For posting: male troll, banned again.
Medieval hoodoo. At the risk of sounding earnest, here’s what the World Health Org. thinks about virginity testing: https://www.hrw.org/news/2014/12/01/un-who-condemns-virginity-tests
fooey, did I miss a troll???
shucks, go shopping n to a meeting, gonna miss some drama I guess….
@Robert Walker-Smith
I recall that when I was in eighth grade and on a special trip, one of the stops was an arcade, and one of the games was one where you and another player got into a toy car to steer. The game represented the primary driver as a buff surfer dude and shotgun (who occasionally switched in) as hood ornament material–but I was in primary, and my (male) classmate was in shotgun. Hence, I made the joke that he’d be a “bishie” in-game; but since the arcade was loud, he initially interpreted it as “bitch”. (Thankfully, I managed to clarify.)
…Man, I wanna go to an arcade again.
*snerk*… every time someone mentions “Chad”, I think of the 2000 election, where Dubya Bush won the presidency due to “hanging chads”….
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chad_(paper)#Partially_punched_chad
How sad is it that the days of Dubya are comparably more sane? I mean, in modern times, the term ‘hanging chad’ sounds like alt-right incel snuff porn. : /
Charlies Angels for me. I have a bad taste in movies. 😛
I missed him too