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Throbbing pinkies, misplaced nipples, and breasts that wave: Signs she’s not a virgin?

Saggy ears: Another sign she might have done the sex thing

By David Futrelle

Fellas! How often do you find yourself wondering if the pretty lady you have  a crush on is the pure, untouched virgin you deserve? The “unbroken hymen” thing is bullshit, unfortunately (and that’s assuming she’s one of those ladies who has a vagina). And besides, you’d probably have to buy her an expensive dinner before she’d even let you have access to that whole area down there.

But you’re in luck! There are several foolproof ways to tell if she’s a virgin without having to get into her pants! A helpful video titled “10 Signs Of Women Who Are Not Virgin (They Can’t Lie To You Anymore)” details, well, ten signs that women aren’t virgins, so they can’t lie to you any more, all helpfully explained by a robot voice and illustrated with stock footage.

Apparently “the character of a virgin woman can be known by observing her physical appearance,” because sex literally alters a woman’s body, from her ears to her back to her boobs And not in a good way!

You can watch the entire video below (it’s only six minutes long) but here are a few of the key findings:

THE NOSE:

“The tip of the nose of a woman who is not a virgin will look faded or pale red. The virgin woman, the tip of her nose would look red. There is no scientific explanation about it yet but most likely it is based on empirical observations from the public.”

THE BACK

“Women’s backs will change because of two things — the influence of hormones and because of the touch of men. Women who have had sex will have an enlarged back. … her back will look wide and big and will be seen clearly as she walks. …

“During sex the back of the women will become erect and after completion of the back will loose in fall. The more frequent sex will make the back more slack.”

THE EARS

“Generally, women who are not virgins during sex will receive stimulation from the man in [their] ears by kissing … [This] will make the ears become more saggy and red.”

THE FOREHEAD

“The virgin’s forehead will look slippery while women [who] are not virgin will look wrinkled and streaked like an old man’s forehead.”

THE BOOBSTERS

“Usually the breasts that have been touched by a man will loosen [and] when [she] is running will be seen waving.

“Meanwhile the breasts of women who have never had sex will remain stable and not to wave despite being run.” 

THE NIPS

“Women who have touched a man, usually [their] nipples will be longer and slightly out of place. Breasts that have been on a man’s suction, usually [the] nipples will become more bruised.”

THE EYES

“[W]omen who are no longer virgins will be visible from the outside especially by those who have much experience on this subject.

“If we look at the eyes of a woman who is not a virgin anymore the bottom of her eyes there are a few folds and look bruised. …

“The virgin girl her eyes will look radiant and there are no black marks, lines or bruises.”

THE CHEEKS

“The cheeks of women who had sex did not look radiant. … A virgin girl has a sweaty cheek even in a cold place.”

PINKIE FINGERS

“If the little finger of a woman is held tightly and she is not aroused, chances are she is not a virgin. But if she feels a little bit aroused … and there is a slight throbbing pain then chances are [she’s] still a virgin.”

BELLIES

“Women who have had sex will have a swollen abdomen and a little distended. During intercourse women will use abdominal muscles that cause the stomach to expand, and after the sexual activity is complete the stomach will be slightly distended.”

LIPS

“Lips of women who have never kissed a man with lust will look reddish … The woman who has ever kissed [her] lips by the man will look cracked … and when laughing [her] lips will look bigger.”

So now you know what to look for, fellas! Good luck in your virgin hunt!

H/T — r/badwomensanatomy

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Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
2 years ago

Never FuK Wit The Man Splainer

Glad you put up that clear and direct warning there, woulda been easy to miss all those other red flags…

So, we’re all in agreement him and thatotherfuckinguy gotta go, right?

Dormousing_it
Dormousing_it
2 years ago

@Man Splainer

Will you attempt to persuade me? I’m almost as old as the original Ford Mustang.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
2 years ago

One cannot ban “The One”

“They couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist…”

Vucodlak
Vucodlak
2 years ago

If I’m reading this right, ‘women’ who have not had sex are invisible. Which means there could be a ‘woman’ here, right now, all red (but invisibly so!) and sweaty, skin stretched tight over breasts like granite, and I wouldn’t even know it until she was… what? Tearing at me with her terrible, aching pinkies? Is that what these strange beings do?

I can’t help but think of the last verse of a song I listened to yesterday, Stars in my Eyes by Heaven Falls Hard:
I will wait for you; I won’t breathe, I won’t move
I’ll keep a close watch upon the skies,
with your blood on my hands and my tears full of the pride

If I lock my doors and windows, will I be safe? Or can one just slide right through the walls (backward), since they apparently don’t have any mass from certain angles?

Did… did anyone hear a noise? Hello? I’m all gristle I tell you if anyone is listening with ears (that do not sag). Please do not send your H-K nipples after me. You’ll misplace them. I heard it from a robot, and everybody knows that a robot cannot lie.

Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
2 years ago

He’s probably that Chaucer troll again.

He is. Fifty dashes in two paragraphs is his biggest tell.

@troll

http://i.imgur.com/SwUDPx4.jpg

Horrorfan510
Horrorfan510
2 years ago

The phrase “throbbing pinkies” and a troll talking about persuasion?

I have the urge to listen to Throbbing Gristle all of a sudden. It would certainly be more pleasant and interesting than reading mansplainers tedious and threatening garbage.

Robert Walker-Smith
Robert Walker-Smith
2 years ago

Whenever Spam Plainer says ‘bishes’, it sounds like he’s talking about bishounen. Which is a good example of being funny by accident.

Victorious Parasol
Victorious Parasol
2 years ago

Thank you, David!

Rabid Rabbit
Rabid Rabbit
2 years ago

One hour and seven minutes. Is that the shortest a troll’s ever lasted before being banhammered?

Shadowplay
2 years ago

David – what delay? Under half an hour by my watch. 😛

Saint-Somnia
Saint-Somnia
2 years ago

“If we look at the eyes of a woman who is not a virgin anymore the bottom of her eyes there are a few folds and look bruised. …

“The virgin girl her eyes will look radiant and there are no black marks, lines or bruises.”

I have some black/bruise color under my eyes. Apparently someone took my virginity without telling me. Hope they return it soon.

Ooglyboggles
Ooglyboggles
2 years ago

One cannot ban “The One”

David just did.

Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
2 years ago
Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
2 years ago

At first I thought that was Seagull Guy, seeing as fguy’s here and he likes to pull that dyanmic duo bullshit with himself, but that was really fucking disappointing. I mean :

Fuck you. Fuck all of you. Why don’t you all just line up and fall over on top of each other like dominoes? You slip brained monocles. You rod faced mumblers. You alabaster sea triplet cumbersome zebras. You pork grinding asshats. You well-poisoning book-burning oatmeal fondling rubber necked fishmongers. You sluggish back-blood watershed pimple coating turd flingers. You rotten dog wart jock straps. Usurers. Potato skins. You listen to Nickleback unironically.

flexitarian haruspex
flexitarian haruspex
2 years ago

If aching pinkies are a sign of feminine virginity, some grandmas in the nursing homes might have unwittingly regained their maidenheads.

As long as we’re making baseless assumptions of sexual experience, here are MY OWN:

1. A virgin dude has hair in his armpits. A slutty dude will have hair on his navel. Sexual experience points manifest in a 1:1 ratio as happy-trail hair. IT’S SCIENCE DAMMIT NO I DON’T HAVE TO CITE SOURCES

2. A virgin dude has aching thumbs, because all he does, ever, is play console video games. Clearly.

3. A virgin dude will always cream himself during foreplay, before heterosexual intercourse. This ensures he will remain pure until a feeeemaaale can ensnare him in bonds of matrimony, whereupon the feeeemaaale will pounce on the poor innocent before he knows what hit him. If any man is able to last long enough to please a female partner, he is clearly a slutty, worthless Chad. With cooties.

Ooglyboggles
Ooglyboggles
2 years ago

For posting: male troll, banned again.

Virginia Howard
Virginia Howard
2 years ago

Medieval hoodoo. At the risk of sounding earnest, here’s what the World Health Org. thinks about virginity testing: https://www.hrw.org/news/2014/12/01/un-who-condemns-virginity-tests

Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
2 years ago

fooey, did I miss a troll???

shucks, go shopping n to a meeting, gonna miss some drama I guess….

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
2 years ago

@Robert Walker-Smith

Whenever Spam Plainer says ‘bishes’, it sounds like he’s talking about bishounen. Which is a good example of being funny by accident.

I recall that when I was in eighth grade and on a special trip, one of the stops was an arcade, and one of the games was one where you and another player got into a toy car to steer. The game represented the primary driver as a buff surfer dude and shotgun (who occasionally switched in) as hood ornament material–but I was in primary, and my (male) classmate was in shotgun. Hence, I made the joke that he’d be a “bishie” in-game; but since the arcade was loud, he initially interpreted it as “bitch”. (Thankfully, I managed to clarify.)

…Man, I wanna go to an arcade again.

Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
2 years ago

a slutty, worthless Chad

*snerk*… every time someone mentions “Chad”, I think of the 2000 election, where Dubya Bush won the presidency due to “hanging chads”….

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chad_(paper)#Partially_punched_chad

flexitarian haruspex
flexitarian haruspex
2 years ago

How sad is it that the days of Dubya are comparably more sane? I mean, in modern times, the term ‘hanging chad’ sounds like alt-right incel snuff porn. : /

Shadowplay
2 years ago

… every time someone mentions “Chad”

Charlies Angels for me. I have a bad taste in movies. 😛

PaganReader - Misandrist Spinster

fooey, did I miss a troll???

I missed him too

Shadowplay
2 years ago

You didn’t miss much. Edgy as a rubber band, he were.

DeimosMasque
DeimosMasque
2 years ago

Awww I missed the latest troll. Dang it I’ve had a really rough week and could have used the laugh.

kupo
kupo
2 years ago

@DeimosMasque
Don’t worry, he wasn’t even funny, just tedious.

Dalillama: Irate Social Engineer

@Virginia Howard

Medieval hoodoo

please don’t. Hoodoo is a religious tradition as valid as any other, and using it as a pejorative for ignorant superstition is actually quite racist.

Schnookums Von Ghostface Fancypants Killer
Schnookums Von Ghostface Fancypants Killer
2 years ago

Fuck you. Fuck all of you. Why don’t you all just line up and fall over on top of each other like dominoes? You slip brained monocles. You rod faced mumblers. You alabaster sea triplet cumbersome zebras. You pork grinding asshats. You well-poisoning book-burning oatmeal fondling rubber necked fishmongers. You sluggish back-blood watershed pimple coating turd flingers. You rotten dog wart jock straps. Usurers. Potato skins. You listen to Nickleback unironically.

AND METHODISTS!

(And for a little context: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLpmswBKVN4 )

Nequam
Nequam
2 years ago

All that long paragraph suggests is that your average troll could be replaced by– or IS– a rather short Perl script.

KatieKitten420
KatieKitten420
2 years ago

Hi everyone! I’ve been really busy with poly relationship drama( okay there are a lot of emotionally intelligent people here. Maybe someone has some advice) I’ve been with my primary partner, Jake, a SWM(well, 97% straight, he hooked up with men twice. He was aroused and enjoyed it once and once he tried with a close friend who loved and desired him desperately but it didn’t work at all.) He refers to himself as straight so he is, IMO.

So he’s been having to be out of New York for months at a time in the last year, so I got me a girlfriend. I told her all this from the beginning she said she was fine with it. Not only that, but she’s Skyped with me and him, FaceTimed, and other assorted interactions between the three of us but for the first time since our little 6 month anniversary thing we did he’s back in NY. Now she’s losing her mind!

She knew this was happening, never objected and actively said it was okay and now she’s saying I cheated in spirit and she feels betrayed. That’s two separate things they’re just related. Does anyone here think that’s reasonable? I have really poor social and emotional judgement. I’m very tactless sometimes and I don’t understand social cues especially if they’re even a bit subtle. Is there anyway I should have seen this coming? Am I in the wrong in some way?

To be clear she’s not just something to entertain me and pass the time while he’s gone I genuinely care for her. Not as much as him which I’ve never hidden but I care deeply and I feel it could turn into love with time possibly. You can never know in advance for sure in my opinion.

I’ve known Jake for 20 years since we were freshmen in high school if you told me he would be the ultimate love of my life then I would have thought you were literally smoking all the crack, all of it. None is left for anyone else, cuz you smoked it all. But that is now the case. He just left again 2 days ago. She’s calmed down a tiny bit but still believes I cheated on her in spirit and is still upset.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to fix this? Cuz I’m trying my best but facts are not working and I’m not good at that kind of talking and debating and discussing based mostly or solely on emotion. But I desperately want to fix it because I really like her a lot and I want her to be happy and I want things to be good between us. Obviously the easy thing would be break up with Jake, but just as obviously that’s not happening. So if anyone has advice that’s not break up with Jake I will be so happy to hear it. Thanks a lot. Have a lovely week everyone

KatieKitten420
KatieKitten420
2 years ago

So to be on topic I agree with what a few people have said I feel this must be some sort of joke or parody. I’m probably wrong because it’s 2018 but this is beyond the Beyond. It’s so nonsensical it’s like that quote “you’re so wrong you’re not even wrong.” It makes so little sense, right and wrong have ceased to have meaning it’s just babbling to me.

Shadowplay
2 years ago

@KatieKitten

Were it you listening to a friend and being asked advice, what would you say to your friend?

I’m guessing that, after much sympathy, you’d point out that someone who is putting pressure on your friend isn’t someone your friend should be sticking with.

I’m pretty crap at expressing sympathy – you have it, it’s just hard to word it – but I would say look long and hard at your girlfriend.

F is for Fro
F is for Fro
2 years ago

Would this ‘guide’ even be considered Pseudoscience? I mean, all of it’s wrong, and it doesn’t even wear the trappings of science.

…Pseudoscience at least puts the lab coat on, jeez.

Catalpa
Catalpa
2 years ago

@Katiekitten

Have you asked her why it feels like you “cheated in spirit” on her? It sounds like she’s bothered about you having sex with your other partner at all. Maybe she was fine when everything was long-distance, but it seems like reuniting changed that for her. If she expects monogamy from you at this point, your options are only really to break up with her or with him. You can’t force her to become comfortable with the situation if she isn’t, and trying to prolong the inevitable and keep them both around by pulling out the “but you said you were fine with this before!” is only going to engender resentment.

It’s… possible that she just felt frustrated and neglected because when your male partner returned, you focused the majority of your attention on him, because you wanted to make the most of your limited time together. It may have made her feel unwanted, like you only keep her around as a replacement. If that’s the case, then you still need to talk about the situation and both of your expectations of the relationship. Maybe you can come to an understanding. Communicating clearly and honestly is the best way to identify the problems and possible ways to solve them, if they exist.

Dalillama: Irate Social Engineer

@Katiekitten
She’s way the hell out of line, and I don’t foresee your relationship with her going anywhere good at all. Which is kind of an understatement. And I say this from *very* similar experience. My advice is, frankly, to find a different gf.

Dalillama: Irate Social Engineer

Missed edit window:
And dump this gal. That’s a big part of my advice.

Croquembouche, extrenely mamal omen
Croquembouche, extrenely mamal omen
2 years ago

Nice to see that the thesaurus-in-three-word-groups troll has gone.

KatieKitten, sorry this situation is giving you grief. Probably the only advice I can give is that you ask her to tell you what she means by cheating in spirit, and how she feels betrayed, making it clear you want to understand her feelings.

Can you ask her to put it in some texts or something like that, promising to think it over from her point of view, and respond after you’ve had time to process it, instead of responding at once without fully understanding what she is saying, or being defensive?

It certainly doesn’t sound to me like you’ve deliberately deceived her or given her false ideas about the future, but she may have made assumptions anyway.

I really hope you can keep both these people in your life, if she can come to grips with the fact that that is what you are offering. If that’s not what she wants, it’s up to her to accept that and move on.

I’m sorry you are in the situation now of thinking you had been clear and finding you’ve been misunderstood. Good luck!

ETA: And in any situation where I am forced to make a choice between 2 people, my bias is against the one forcing the choice

kupo
kupo
2 years ago

@KatieKitten420
Sounds like she thought she would be okay with it but she’s not. She might just not handle poly relationships well. She might not have known that going into it, but either way sounds like this isn’t likely to work out. She needs to figure out what she needs in a relationship. You haven’t done anything wrong.

Depending on how strongly she feels about this, it might be salvageable, but that’s going to be on her and it’s something she needs to want. It can’t hurt to talk to her and try to determine whether that’s something she wants.

Dreamer
Dreamer
2 years ago

Sorry – back to the original post – seriously?! I remember in high school people saying you could tell a “non-virgin” by the way she walked. Note the SHE, not HE. I never understood.

The Real Cie
2 years ago

I’m pretty sure this was written by one of those big headed aliens from The Menagerie (Star Trek TOS) who has never seen a human woman before.

Horrorfan510
Horrorfan510
2 years ago

Some other signs of a non-virgin woman:

. They can’t cross running water under their own power
. They are adverse to garlic and crosses
. They can’t enter a house without being invited in first
. If they see a pile of grain, they are compelled to count each piece
. They can walk in daylight, but don’t have all their non-virgin powers

Fluffy Spider
Fluffy Spider
2 years ago

I had no clue my sleep deprived eyes had anything to do with my lack of virginity.
Or that my majestically waving boobs meant anything (before they hit me in the face while working out)
Lol
It’s almost cute the lack of actual science with these reddit posts

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
2 years ago

@KK
Nthing the majority here, she’s… girl bye. If you’re intent on tryna salvage things, keep in mind that you can’t. Not up to you at this point, that’s her job. Freakouts happen, recently dealt with one in my poly relationship. But we worked it out like grown ass adults after giving each other time to reevaluate. At minimum, you really should give her the space she needs to figure her shit out. Forcing a fix asap never works, I say, again, from recent experience…

feministguy
feministguy
2 years ago

Virginity doesnt equal failure

Anyone who believes this is a fool

Rabid Rabbit
Rabid Rabbit
2 years ago

@Dreamer

I knew a girl in high school who walked as if she were pregnant. She openly admitted that she walked as if she were pregnant. She had no explanation for why. And I know for a fact she was a virgin at the time, because a few months later she spent a great deal of time whining about how impatient she was to finally have sex.

I mean, she was pregnant by the end of 12th grade. But no one knew unless they were told.

Around the same time, Britney Spears was insisting that she was still a virgin. I knew a few people whose opinion on the matter was “Well, if she says so, but I’ve never seen a virgin able to move her hips like that before.”

Rabid Rabbit
Rabid Rabbit
2 years ago

@Feministguy

Hate to tell you, but you’re still boring.