By David Futrelle
Fellas! How often do you find yourself wondering if the pretty lady you have a crush on is the pure, untouched virgin you deserve? The “unbroken hymen” thing is bullshit, unfortunately (and that’s assuming she’s one of those ladies who has a vagina). And besides, you’d probably have to buy her an expensive dinner before she’d even let you have access to that whole area down there.
But you’re in luck! There are several foolproof ways to tell if she’s a virgin without having to get into her pants! A helpful video titled “10 Signs Of Women Who Are Not Virgin (They Can’t Lie To You Anymore)” details, well, ten signs that women aren’t virgins, so they can’t lie to you any more, all helpfully explained by a robot voice and illustrated with stock footage.
Apparently “the character of a virgin woman can be known by observing her physical appearance,” because sex literally alters a woman’s body, from her ears to her back to her boobs And not in a good way!
You can watch the entire video below (it’s only six minutes long) but here are a few of the key findings:
THE NOSE:
“The tip of the nose of a woman who is not a virgin will look faded or pale red. The virgin woman, the tip of her nose would look red. There is no scientific explanation about it yet but most likely it is based on empirical observations from the public.”
THE BACK
“Women’s backs will change because of two things — the influence of hormones and because of the touch of men. Women who have had sex will have an enlarged back. … her back will look wide and big and will be seen clearly as she walks. …
“During sex the back of the women will become erect and after completion of the back will loose in fall. The more frequent sex will make the back more slack.”
THE EARS
“Generally, women who are not virgins during sex will receive stimulation from the man in [their] ears by kissing … [This] will make the ears become more saggy and red.”
THE FOREHEAD
“The virgin’s forehead will look slippery while women [who] are not virgin will look wrinkled and streaked like an old man’s forehead.”
THE BOOBSTERS
“Usually the breasts that have been touched by a man will loosen [and] when [she] is running will be seen waving.
“Meanwhile the breasts of women who have never had sex will remain stable and not to wave despite being run.”
THE NIPS
“Women who have touched a man, usually [their] nipples will be longer and slightly out of place. Breasts that have been on a man’s suction, usually [the] nipples will become more bruised.”
THE EYES
“[W]omen who are no longer virgins will be visible from the outside especially by those who have much experience on this subject.
“If we look at the eyes of a woman who is not a virgin anymore the bottom of her eyes there are a few folds and look bruised. …
“The virgin girl her eyes will look radiant and there are no black marks, lines or bruises.”
THE CHEEKS
“The cheeks of women who had sex did not look radiant. … A virgin girl has a sweaty cheek even in a cold place.”
PINKIE FINGERS
“If the little finger of a woman is held tightly and she is not aroused, chances are she is not a virgin. But if she feels a little bit aroused … and there is a slight throbbing pain then chances are [she’s] still a virgin.”
BELLIES
“Women who have had sex will have a swollen abdomen and a little distended. During intercourse women will use abdominal muscles that cause the stomach to expand, and after the sexual activity is complete the stomach will be slightly distended.”
LIPS
“Lips of women who have never kissed a man with lust will look reddish … The woman who has ever kissed [her] lips by the man will look cracked … and when laughing [her] lips will look bigger.”
So now you know what to look for, fellas! Good luck in your virgin hunt!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYMFT7e9Rag
H/T — r/badwomensanatomy
Okay, so virgins have invisible backs: that makes perfect sense.
I guess my real questions are about things like lips and ears:
Supposedly the changes to ears happen when someone is orally stimulating another person’s ears, which causes those ears to forever sag. Also, the lips change whenever someone kisses them “with lust”.
Great. I fully accept that this is absolutely #SCIENCEFACTTRUE #LookItUp
Here’s my problem: What if some teen girls engage in “practice kissing” with each other, as has been known to happen among curious kids? What if one is queer and has a(n unrequited) crush on the other? The poor girl who didn’t have a crush is now a soiled, post-wall, and used up slut, while the one who did have the crush and really, really would have liked to go all lezbo-crazy remains an innocent virgin all because of those damn lips reacting to another person’s lust.
Or, hell, what if it’s even a straight couple making out: whose lips lose their virginity? One? Both? How does this “kissing with lust” tell you whether P-in-V has actually happened?
Likewise, and I know this is crazy, but hear me out, what if some couple is in a movie theater, and one of them kisses the ear of the other. Do you end up with one slutty ear and one virgin ear? And again, how does this tell you if P-in-V has happened? Or is this more about P-in-E sex? What if some poor girl has one really slutty ear that’s been fucked lots and lots of times, but one ear that’s still a virgin. Is that poor virgin ear destined to die a spinster, alone, because no one will touch the washed up woman whose slutty ear stole away all the attention?
MY GOD. WILL SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE EARS?!?!?!!!
So either this is some formulation I just don’t know of (and I’m aware that’s possible and even likely), or this entire video with the robot voice and stuff is just Google Translate having a fever dream.
As a human who is currently pregnant, I can confirm that some of these are physical signs of pregnancy (abdominal distension, breast and nipple changes), and pregnancy is generally a sign of sexual activity.
However that fun hormone cocktail also makes my cheeks and nose red, so maybe pregnancy is also a sign of virginity?
How many signs do you need to confirm virginity? I bet I can fund the nursery with the media appearances if I’m still a virgin!
‘
Definitely. The jigglier boobs, softer belly, etc. That all just seems like the onset of puberty to me. I mean, I was a D cup at 15 and a virgin.
Clearly this man has run across Huldra before, and assumed that they were virgin human women, instead of elves with naturally hollow backs.
http://humoncomics.com/art/elf-people.jpg
I never understood the obsession over virginity.
Which is ironic, what with you never shutting up about it.
@feministguy
@Alan Robertshaw
EJ(TOO):
Wait, there’s a TV adaptation now? I hope that ends up someplace I can watch it legitimately. How well does it work?
@ man splainer
Sorry, you’ll have to pop back later. The boring we’ve heard it all before troll vacancy is currently occupied.
We’ll keep your CV on file though.
@Moggie:
It’s really good. In some ways – gender, for example, and the way it steals the trappings of a post-Stieg-Larsson detective story and comments upon them – I’d say it’s an improvement on the book.
The one criticism I have of it is that it’s trying to render down a large book into four hours of footage, which means that the main plot is given plenty of time but the setting isn’t as detailed as it is in the book.
Highly recommend.
Er, I think you’ll find that’s dinosaurs. There’s like a film about it.
Oh, for fucks sake. Can’t we please get a troll that has some sort of point to make. I’m tired of lulz trolls and sad boner whiners.
I guess mansplainer isn’t MRAL/Seagull after all. He’s probably that Chaucer troll again. I think he’s jealous that another troll is getting our mockery.
Eh,
What a crappy troll.
This troll is boring, do you think the store will do an exchange without a receipt?
Aw, come on Z&T. His lisp is adorable.
Oooh, do me next, Man Splainer, me next!
Some background: I’m a mostly-straight cis man. I earn above the average, am semi-vegetarian, have a fulfilling romantic life for the first time in ages, and really like the works of Adorno and Horkheimer. I use the term “toxic masculinity” in everyday conversation and am activisting to bring in hordes of my fellow immigrants to take over your precious Western society and spread our cultural-relativist values.
What’s the most inventive thing you can call me?
Edit: He ninja’d me with some hilarious nonsense. I am sated.
His life is about resource allocating and trading, which is great. I like playing Settlers of Catan too.
Is there a way I can tell if a man is a virgin? I don’t want any mystery meat.
Ok. Rapethreats. You’re gone dude
Boring and pretty much making rape threats? Banhammer time?
Oh, ninja’d. Did you email David, Cornychips? If not, I can.
Well you’re wasting your time here then; nobody is remotely interested in you. May I suggest you try down your local chapter of Hells Angels; I’m sure they’d be happy to accommodate you?
Emailed david
Great. Another fucking incel, whining away.