By David Futrelle
I‘m going to start doing these again, hopefully daily, little open threads with some stuff I’ve run across on Twitter. I’ll probably make them a bit shorter than the ones I used to do.
Anyway: PEEEEEEE TAAAAAAPE
Comey: Trump asked me to investigate ‘pee tape’ to reassure Melania https://t.co/WfCDBmpvpf pic.twitter.com/m0C8ZVMuEo
— New York Post (@nypost) April 12, 2018
https://twitter.com/SJGrunewald/status/984551249923031040
the pee tape is gonna be really good too because he'll keep saying "terrific" and "you're doing a really great job"
— catturd2.bsky.social (@thetomzone) April 12, 2018
national treasure 7: pee tape pic.twitter.com/alDzfOVOeB
— . (@swordsjew) April 12, 2018
https://twitter.com/pattymo/status/984557395664932864
Now I feel so much less embarrassed about my own pee tape.
— David Futrelle (@DavidFutrelle) April 12, 2018
And in other news unfortunately also related to Trump’s dick.
NEW: Trump doorman Dino Sajudin releases statement: "I was instructed not to criticize President Trump's former housekeeper due to a prior relationship she had with President Trump which produced a child.” (via @soniamoghe) pic.twitter.com/DYipY5DaY2
— MJ Lee (@mj_lee) April 12, 2018
I'd believe any random New York doorman's word over Trump's tbh
— Schooley (@Rschooley) April 12, 2018
Looks like Trump's #lovechild snuck into a family photo or two. pic.twitter.com/sK5sa81EtR
— Mr. Newberger (@jeremynewberger) April 12, 2018
Let's agree not to call Trump's alleged secret child a "love child" because the only person Trump loves is himself.
— David Futrelle (@DavidFutrelle) April 12, 2018
And now the news that has nothing to do with Trump’s dick:
At the Zuckerberg hearing you may have heard Republicans talking incessantly about Diamond and Silk.
They are two black women who say their page is being suppressed on Facebook because they support Trump.
I ran the numbers.
THE ENTIRE THING IS A HOAXhttps://t.co/Cb4AhTKKw2 pic.twitter.com/YEZJQuX5gn
— Judd Legum (@JuddLegum) April 12, 2018
https://twitter.com/jbillinson/status/984158124868341760
https://twitter.com/EmrgencyKittens/status/984387182323486721
Well, swat my hind with melon rind. So now Trump is admitting there’s a pee tape?
Release the piss tape for all the reasons.
@Victorious Parasol
I love that line about the melon rind.
…Popcorn, anyone? THIS is gonna be good. From a far enough distance away.
Thank you kindly, Bananananana.
I agree with Comey. What kind of spouse is seriously that worried about their partner believing something that outrageous is a lie? Either you trust your partner or you don’t.
Well, we impeached Bill Clinton for lying about a blowjob, but we all know the republicans are gonna hold the fucking line as long as they can for Agent Orange, regardless of how many illegitimate children he supposedly has and how many women he’s tried to silence with hush money.
According to the Washington Post, Trump’s rather lousy lawyer Michael Cohen liked to record conversations:
https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/trumps-allies-worry-that-federal-investigators-may-have-seized-recordings-made-by-his-attorney/2018/04/12/16d6345a-3e89-11e8-912d-16c9e9b37800_story.html?utm_term=.56b8baea383f
Heh heh heh.
Did someone say pea tape?
Specifically, a vegan pea soup tape, one narrated by possibly the girlyest girl ever, one who dresses in pink and is surrounded by Hello Kitty dolls and has her adorbs dog, Dahlia, on her lap? One in which the aforementioned vegan soup was created by the grandpa of the person who is possibly the girlyest girl ever?
This pea soup is allegedly super simple, cheap, and easy. Adobo (a Mexican spice mixture) is involved.
I work in the DC area, and one of my coworkers has a Republican lawyer husband who works for the Senate (or the House?) and is writing a draft of a law to protect Bob Mueller from being fired. Apparently her husband woke her up at 1 in the morning to tell her that Trump is gonna fire Mueller before they can get this piece of legislation to the floor because Mueller’s got some serious shit on Trump and that “he will be impeached if it gets out”.
I was just like “ok” because I know how this goes but when a Mormon lawyer for the GOP is waking up his wife to tell her that they’ve found dirt on the president that will get him impeached, it does make you wonder…
(I personally think Trump could have sex with a donkey on the White House lawn and the GOP would just make excuses for him while doing nothing, but that’s just me)
I remember a time long ago when I thought about going into politics but decided not to based on what history people could’ve dug up on me. Heh. Silly me.
Oh Lordy.
@SFHC
State of the world, summed up perfectly.
@Wanda:
Republican Party: “Trump absolutely did not have sex with a donkey.”
Trump: “I HAD THE BEST SEX WITH A DONKEY. NOBODY’S EVER HAD SEX WITH A DONKEY LIKE ME.”
Breitbart: “America deserves a president who’s not afraid to have sex with donkeys, not like that cuck Obama.”
Fox News: “Did Hillary Clinton orchestrate the story about her emails?”
New York Times op-ed page: “Is bestiality really so bad? It’s certainly not as bad as no-platforming controversial speakers.”
Mike Cernovich: “Liberals are weak pussies. I bet none of them have ever had sex with a donkey.”
@EJ
MRAs: “Do they make donkey sexbots?”
> EJ
And did Trump punch the donkey ?
As long as he didn’t rape an elephant…
Oh my Katie, there are so many variations on this that spring to mind.
John McCain: “It is outrageous that Trump had sex with a donkey on the White House front lawn. If he had done it on the rear lawn it would have been fine.”
Lindsey Graham: “I’m sure both sides have had sex with donkeys, it’s unfair to single out Republicans for it.”
Ann Coulter: “Having sex with donkeys is great! Everyone should do it! Maybe if I keep saying this long enough I’ll become relevant again.”
Jordan Peterson: “Excuse me, I did not say that he fucked a donkey, I said that he had sex with a donkey. You have not addressed my actual argument.”
Scott Alexander: (Spends 6000 words explaining why, contrary to popular opinion, bestiality isn’t the problem people think is, while taking as axiomatic that only people who have instagrammed themselves having sex with a donkey have ever done it.)
Carl Benjamin: “Having sex with donkeys is just disinformation by the cultural Marxists. I’m left-wing, honest.”
Alexander “Boris” Johnson: “Britain has a proud history of leaders who commit bestiality, and we must stand alongside America in this regard.”
Glenn Greenwald: “American leaders have been having sex with donkeys for decades. Why are we only focusing on it now?”
@ EJ
Proceeds to sit on donkey, falls off donkey, gets foot caught in stirrup, and dangles there for next two hours. Press says “Eh, Boris; what is he like?”
On the pee tape,
I thought we’d agreed that, in the absence of any noteworthy evidence, a pee tape would be pretty much in Trump’s character and therefore not very interesting.
(Even less shocking, if he has an undocumented child or three somewhere.)
David Cameron: “*sweats nervously, punches Boris Johnson*”
@Arctic
Oh, absolutely; honestly, even if it wasn’t expected, I don’t care as long as it’s all between consenting adults. That’s for him and his wife to talk about. I just find the sheer screaming hypocrisy amusing in its own fucked-up way. =P
Comey’s book is now out.
https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2018/apr/13/james-comey-book-hillary-clinton-email-investigation
Executive summary of key bit: Comey decided to reopen investigation into Hilary email thing just to deal with that late new information. Didn’t think it would amount to anything and that she was definitely going to win anyway.
Lawyer says ‘You do realise this could end up electing Trump’. He thanks her for her input but gives a resounding ‘No’.
“… but his pee tape!!!???”
But Ben Ghazi!
@ SFHC;
“Sheer Screaming Hypocrisy” would be a good name for a band!
A man didn’t listen to a woman about what a threat Trump is?