Pickup artist writes / The worst haikus ever wrote / Basho facepalm time

By David Futrelle

Last week I treated you to a surprisingly heartfelt, if still ridiculous, poem from an MRA who was trying to win me over to his side. Turns out he’s not the only manospherean who thinks he can pull off poetry. The exuberantly racist, woman-hating pickup artist who calls himself Heartiste — as overconfident in his literary abilities as always — recently treated his blog readers to a short burst of what he called “High T-kus” — that is “High Testosterone Haikus.”

Here they are. Well, here three of them are. I left out the one in which he miscounted the syllables.

throw iron like thor
testosterone-infused brain
now MAGA for good

soybois sneer limply
laugh in their faces, i do
“lol you watch the view!”

sophistic shitlibs
run marathons vote thec*nt
chad shits better men

In case you’re wondering, “thec*nt,” which Heartiste writes without the asterisk, is what he calls Hillary Clinton. No, I don’t have any idea why he thinks it’s funny either.

Naturally, some of Mr. Heartiste’s terrible fans were inspired, if that’s the right word for it, to write their own terrible haikus, boasting about their lifting ability and their ForeignBrides.

Someone called TLM offered this:

Always love to lift.
Add iron to bar eternally.
CrossFit is for gay.

One anonymous commenter added his own weirdly earnest take on lifting:

Put down the Starbucks
Steel plates build steel character
Strength makes shit happen

Someone called Johnny Redux posted something that vaguely resembled a haiku:

Throwing the Runes
Determining Fates of Men
Lower Men Shall Die
So that Higher Men Live On

Aware that haikus aren’t really supposed to have a fourth line, he reworked his non-haiku into something closer to a haiku and added two more. For some reason he didn’t bother to remedy the missing syllable in the first line.

Those reading for content rather than form may detect a subtle Nazi theme running through these verses.

Throwing the Runes
Determining Fates of Men
Lower Men Shall Die

Higher Men Live On
And Shall Sow their Seed Afar
Spreading Wet Warm Thighs

Rise up Übermensch
Smash the Degenerate Filth
Clean Slate for Children

The most enthusiastic haiku-writer was a longtime commenter at Chateau Heartiste and other far-right manosphere called ET Jones, who offered his own take on how to increase testosterone:

Enough of the gym
T spikes from baking soda
and prostate massage

Commenter Greg Eliot felt this was an inappropriately unmasculine way to power up one’s testosterone:

Finger in anus
Is no way to go through life.
Avaunt, you fairy.

ET assured his comrades that it wasn’t his own finger up his butt, heaven forbid!

Did not mean myself
A ForeignBride can do it
or Happy Endings™

But alas, he complained, his ForeignBride is not at the moment in close proximity to his ass:

Wifey gone a month
Loins are getting congested
Fapping no relief

(In case you’re wondering, there seems to be no actual scientific evidence that prostate massages (however enjoyable they may be) increase testosterone. And while there is endless chatter about the allegedly miraculous t-boosting powers of baking soda on assorted supplement-shilling websites, I was unable to find any reputable site advocating its use for this purpose, at least in the dozens of Google results I scanned through. Also, maybe check with your doctor to see if you actually need more testosterone?)

Not all of the Chateau Heartiste commenters were willing to stay within the confines of the haiku form. The eccentric, always prolix commenter who calls himself “da GBFM zlzoolzlzzlzozlzloozozo” (don’t ask) spewed out hundreds of words of vaguely poetic gabble in a language roughly approximating English, with a little time-out in the middle during which he offered his theories about inflation, which for some reason (*cough* anti-Semitism *cough*) revolve around former  Fed Chair Ben Bernanke.

Da GBFM also manages to work Bernanke into his poetry as well, alongside references to Twilight, anal sex and fiat currency, all of which he believes are deeply connected. Here’s a little excerpt:

one cock rule one cock rule
i ain’t no beats fool i ain’t no beta tool
over vampires and werewolfe you ginas all drool
letting their cocks touch your deep down stool
then you blame the betas in school
and transfer wealth for the bernanke gene pool
jonah goldberg sends our alphas 2 die on foreign shores
stuffing his face with dc pizza as they die in fiat wars
neocon womenz repeating butthexers lies in their mags
even after menopause and no need for da ragz
telling young chickas to lust after vampires
as they build their fiat empires

Well, it mostly rhymes, I’ll give him that.

But if you’re looking for Twilight-related nonsense, BedLipReading has him beat.

Yes, I know the video is several years old, but SO ARE GBFM’s CULTURAL AND POLITICAL REFERENCES!