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Pickup artist writes / The worst haikus ever wrote / Basho facepalm time

Basho is not impressed

By David Futrelle

Last week I treated you to a surprisingly heartfelt, if still ridiculous, poem from an MRA who was trying to win me over to his side. Turns out he’s not the only manospherean who thinks he can pull off poetry. The exuberantly racist, woman-hating pickup artist who calls himself Heartiste — as overconfident in his literary abilities as always — recently treated his blog readers to a short burst of what he called “High T-kus” — that is “High Testosterone Haikus.”

Here they are. Well, here three of them are. I left out the one in which he miscounted the syllables.

throw iron like thor
testosterone-infused brain
now MAGA for good

soybois sneer limply
laugh in their faces, i do
“lol you watch the view!”

sophistic shitlibs
run marathons vote thec*nt
chad shits better men

In case you’re wondering, “thec*nt,” which Heartiste writes without the asterisk, is what he calls Hillary Clinton. No, I don’t have any idea why he thinks it’s funny either.

Naturally, some of Mr. Heartiste’s terrible fans were inspired, if that’s the right word for it, to write their own terrible haikus, boasting about their lifting ability and their ForeignBrides.

Someone called TLM offered this:

Always love to lift.
Add iron to bar eternally.
CrossFit is for gay.

One anonymous commenter added his own weirdly earnest take on lifting:

Put down the Starbucks
Steel plates build steel character
Strength makes shit happen

Someone called Johnny Redux posted something that vaguely resembled a haiku:

Throwing the Runes
Determining Fates of Men
Lower Men Shall Die
So that Higher Men Live On

Aware that haikus aren’t really supposed to have a fourth line, he reworked his non-haiku into something closer to a haiku and added two more. For some reason he didn’t bother to remedy the missing syllable in the first line.

Those reading for content rather than form may detect a subtle Nazi theme running through these verses.

Throwing the Runes
Determining Fates of Men
Lower Men Shall Die

Higher Men Live On
And Shall Sow their Seed Afar
Spreading Wet Warm Thighs

Rise up Übermensch
Smash the Degenerate Filth
Clean Slate for Children

The most enthusiastic haiku-writer was a longtime commenter at Chateau Heartiste and other far-right manosphere called ET Jones, who offered his own take on how to increase testosterone:

Enough of the gym
T spikes from baking soda
and prostate massage

Commenter Greg Eliot felt this was an inappropriately unmasculine way to power up one’s testosterone:

Finger in anus
Is no way to go through life.
Avaunt, you fairy.

ET assured his comrades that it wasn’t his own finger up his butt, heaven forbid!

Did not mean myself
A ForeignBride can do it
or Happy Endings™

But alas, he complained, his ForeignBride is not at the moment in close proximity to his ass:

Wifey gone a month
Loins are getting congested
Fapping no relief

(In case you’re wondering, there seems to be no actual scientific evidence that prostate massages (however enjoyable they may be) increase testosterone. And while there is endless chatter about the allegedly miraculous t-boosting powers of baking soda on assorted supplement-shilling websites, I was unable to find any reputable site advocating its use for this purpose, at least in the dozens of Google results I scanned through. Also, maybe check with your doctor to see if you actually need more testosterone?)

Not all of the Chateau Heartiste commenters were willing to stay within the confines of the haiku form. The eccentric, always prolix commenter who calls himself “da GBFM zlzoolzlzzlzozlzloozozo” (don’t ask) spewed out hundreds of words of vaguely poetic gabble in a language roughly approximating English, with a little time-out in the middle during which he offered his theories about inflation, which for some reason (*cough* anti-Semitism *cough*) revolve around former  Fed Chair Ben Bernanke.

Da GBFM also manages to work Bernanke into his poetry as well, alongside references to Twilight, anal sex and fiat currency, all of which he believes are deeply connected. Here’s a little excerpt:

one cock rule one cock rule
i ain’t no beats fool i ain’t no beta tool
over vampires and werewolfe you ginas all drool
letting their cocks touch your deep down stool
then you blame the betas in school
and transfer wealth for the bernanke gene pool
jonah goldberg sends our alphas 2 die on foreign shores
stuffing his face with dc pizza as they die in fiat wars
neocon womenz repeating butthexers lies in their mags
even after menopause and no need for da ragz
telling young chickas to lust after vampires
as they build their fiat empires

Well, it mostly rhymes, I’ll give him that.

But if you’re looking for Twilight-related nonsense, BedLipReading has him beat.

Yes, I know the video is several years old, but SO ARE GBFM’s CULTURAL AND POLITICAL REFERENCES!

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Ooglyboggles
Ooglyboggles
2 years ago

As gelid days pass,
Manosphereans tote with pride,
“Massage your prostate.”

Adam
Adam
2 years ago

Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings is no longer responsible for the worst poetry in the Universe.

And the Vogons are now down to a distance 4th place…

Full Metal Ox
2 years ago

Haiku’s like Twitter:
The format’s intention is
Snapshot brevity.
(Should you need fourteen more beats,
Waka’s the expansion tweet.)

Sseba
2 years ago

Cherry petal fall
On shaven heads of bro-dudes
Having High-T tea

Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
2 years ago

I fixed the dryer.
Back to the topic at hand:
CATS CATS CATS CATS CATS MRAs are dumb.

Regigiygas
Regigiygas
2 years ago

Testosterone make man, man. Man good. Testosterone good. More testosterone better. Most testosterone best. Me consult doctor to see if too much testosterone can make words sound bad. Me think these word groups are not best word groups.

Subtract Hominem, the Renegade Misandroid
Subtract Hominem, the Renegade Misandroid
2 years ago

Maple sap drips slow
As Manospherean thoughts
But so much sweeter.

EJ (The Other One)
2 years ago

Inspired by the unique Paul Joseph Watson:

BrainForcePlus, haiku,
high-T boys shriek in red wigs:
Spring has come once more.

Kevin
Kevin
2 years ago

Trying to fit in
William McGonagall
In springtime showers.

Weird (America Where Are You Now? Don't You Care About Your Sons And Daughters?) Eddie
Weird (America Where Are You Now? Don't You Care About Your Sons And Daughters?) Eddie
2 years ago

listen to myself
as i caterwaul into
my echo chamber

Weird (America Where Are You Now? Don't You Care About Your Sons And Daughters?) Eddie
Weird (America Where Are You Now? Don't You Care About Your Sons And Daughters?) Eddie
2 years ago

and for the “donnegals” among
the assembled crowd, old and young
we also “limmerick”
though really kinda sick
it does roll gently off the tongue….

… i never said i was any good at this….

Moggie
Moggie
2 years ago

EJ, BrainForcePlus? Oh right, that’s that soy-based supplement that Pyjama Watson shills.

Katamount
Katamount
2 years ago

What fresh hell be this?
Insecurities abound.
Kittens are needed.

Weird (America Where Are You Now? Don't You Care About Your Sons And Daughters?) Eddie
Weird (America Where Are You Now? Don't You Care About Your Sons And Daughters?) Eddie
2 years ago

Opening salvo fired in Texas Senate race, a personal insult (surprised?) against Robert “Beto” O’Rourke for going by his nickname instead of his birth name… insult delivered by his ‘publican opponent, Rafael “Ted” Cruz

Apparently they don’t have irony in Texas

Gaebolga
Gaebolga
2 years ago

Heartiste wrote:

laugh in their faces, I do

Quote Yoda, he does.

I find it hilarious that TLM’s haiku is orders of magnitude better than Heartiste’s “efforts.”

Still terrible, but so much less trite…

Broadened horizons
mean nothing to jaded eyes;
art is blind to them.

Katamount
Katamount
2 years ago

Just to bring the subtext to the surface, I don’t think it should be overlooked how frenetic these guys’ relationship with self-image is. In one verse, they’re bragging about how much they lift, high T and all that crap, then in another verse they’re using the incel term “Chad” to describe somebody who fits that description.

They desperately want to be “Chad” for all the social validation they think that a Chad is entitled to, but at the same time, they’re upset by people who buck the trend and still achieve what they think is rightfully theirs, hence the loathing of “Soy Boys” (which is just the new “mangina”) and Twilight. Because really, if these guys were so secure in their path of lifting and… lifting, I’d have to ask them what Larry King asked the guy accusing him of painting his bald spot: “Why you care?”

Because when emulating Chad inevitably doesn’t succeed for them, they go back to complaining about being Nice Guys (TM) and loathing all the Chads. Just absolutely frenetic, these guys.

Ooble
Ooble
2 years ago

Like the southern wind,
Heartiste writes his poetry.
Blowing much hot air.

Scildfreja Unnyðnes
Scildfreja Unnyðnes
2 years ago

men, shout your verse high
and paint the sky in shades of
inadequacy

Weird (America Where Are You Now? Don't You Care About Your Sons And Daughters?) Eddie
Weird (America Where Are You Now? Don't You Care About Your Sons And Daughters?) Eddie
2 years ago

well, this is interesting!

TB Tabby
TB Tabby
2 years ago

It’s not just these guys
TERFs make crappy haikus too
Read them for yourself

EJ (The Other One)
2 years ago

EJ, BrainForcePlus? Oh right, that’s that soy-based supplement that Pyjama Watson shills.

Heeee!

Schnookums Von Ghostface Fancypants Killer
Schnookums Von Ghostface Fancypants Killer
2 years ago

Pathetic Bleatings
Of Mediocre White Men
How Very Typical

Bananananana dakry: Short-Haired, Fat, and Deranged
Bananananana dakry: Short-Haired, Fat, and Deranged
2 years ago

Late winter squawking
from whiny pale manchildren
I am not enthused.

Grr argh plumblossom
argh grr hi-T pear blooms grunt
do you lift bro snort

March the cruelest month
Trump fucking us all as per
hurry up Mueller plz

There. I can poetry too.

…and I really shouldn’t have been eating cereal at some of the uh, efforts of our fine manly mens. I nearly got miniwheats up the nose.

Full Metal Ox
2 years ago

(Spoiler for a current movie about an actual heroic king who respects and heeds the women in his life.)

The Jabari Reply to the MRA Community:

WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF
WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF
WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF

Brony, Social Justice Cenobite

Predatory men
ruining culture for all
by hunting for sex.

epitome of incomprehensibility

Pompous-ass wordshits
excrete high-T iron lumps,
heavy and useless.

personalpest
personalpest
2 years ago

Okay, might as well give this a try.

Lift to be strong, but
intelligence? Compassion?
You won’t get those traits.

Lift for “character”?
Trump is corrupt in all things.
You still admire him?

Foolish MRAs
confuse arrogance with strength,
Russian lies with truth.

Mass shootings? All faked!
Trump’s crimes? Lies! Delusions take
control of their minds.

Hatred will destroy
YOU as well as your victims.
Not too late to change.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
2 years ago

so incredibly
masculine that even my
truck nutz have truck nutz

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
2 years ago

Opening salvo fired in Texas Senate race, a personal insult (surprised?) against Robert “Beto” O’Rourke for going by his nickname instead of his birth name… insult delivered by his ‘publican opponent, Rafael “Ted” Cruz

I still expect Arthur Jones to be nicknamed “Illinois”.

Shadowplay
2 years ago

Was that a …

AA, marry me. 😛

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
2 years ago

*Lies down flattered*

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
2 years ago

so incredibly
masculine that even my
truck nutz have truck nutz

Today my coworkers (mostly women) organized a Women’s Day brunch in the coffee room, asking people to bring some small snacks.

I brought roasted peanuts, and managed to not joke about it.

Someone else brought Doritos, and I never knew if it was intended as political statement.

banned@4chan.org
banned@4chan.org
2 years ago

Poet Lord Byron…
Somehow isn’t masculine…
…it’s snowing on Mt. Fuji

Victorious Parasol
Victorious Parasol
2 years ago

Pseudo-Romeos
Think themselves supermen
In this game, they lose

https://kotaku.com/in-the-game-the-game-its-you-vs-pick-up-artists-1822727691