Prevent school shootings by giving guys holographic girlfriends, horny weirdo at Return of Kings urges

By David Futrelle

Even a cursory look at the research on mass shootings suggests an obvious conclusion: the number of deaths in mass shootings seems pretty directly correlated to how easy it is to get hold of guns, in particular the assault rifles that have become the weapon of choice for mass killers. Countries that make it hard to get guns have drastically fewer mass shootings than the gun-friendly United States. Countries that have restricted gun ownership have seen the number of mass shootings fall.

But don’t tell this to the guys at Return of Kings, one of the favorite online hangouts for horny lady haters. Shortly after the shootings at Parkland, Return of Kings contributor Sten Morten waded into the gun debate with a set of five rather out-of-the-box “solutions” to the school shooting problem. I put the word “solutions” in quotes because they mostly extremely dumb.

As Morten sees it, we shouldn’t blame guns or toxic masculinity for the recent wave of school shootings in America. The real culprits are the stuck-up hot girls who refuse to have sex with the guys most likely to shoot up schools.

“School shootings are overwhelmingly carried out those boys disadvantaged in today’s sexual marketplace,” he writes.

The school shooting is not the fault of guns or an inherent flaw in the male psyche, but the inevitable result of a contracting sexual marketplace in which female hypergamy is unleashed in terrifying form upon the Western world.

Boys shoot up schools because they’re not getting laid. Time and time again, the perpetrators of these massacres are boys who aren’t getting laid and have no idea how to get laid.

Happily, I can report that Morten shies away from one rather troubling proposed, er, “solution” to the horny creep problem that is sometimes suggested by the so-called Involuntary Celibates of the internet: demanding that the government force high school girls en masse to have sex with horrible dudes they hate.

Morten’s own proposals are something of a grab bag. A few are almost, well, reasonable, at least in that they seem to have involved some degree of reasoning.

He suggests hiring more male teachers (to serve as “genuinely masculine” role models for teen boys) and urges parents to send their sons to boys-only boarding schools (where they can “develop lasting friendships with other boys”). (Just don’t send them to the boarding school that George Orwell went to, I guess.)

Apparently feeling that consistency (foolish or otherwise) is the hobgoblin of blue-pill minds, Morten then suggests that we simply ban schools altogether.

“School shootings all have one thing in common: they occur at schools,” he notes, as if this is somehow a clever thing to say.

Schools have devolved from educating and training the young for adulthood, to indoctrinating kids with far-left ideology and regulating so-called toxic masculine behavior. With e-learning and the vast array of educational materials available on the internet, the days of public schooling are numbered. …

In the future, school shootings might not even occur because nobody will attend public schools anymore. 

Huh. The deadliest mass shooting in the US took place at a country music concert. Should we ban those as well? Many mass shootings take place in buildings, so let’s get rid of them too. Others take place out-of-doors, so let’s just ban the entire world! Problem solved!

Morten’s other suggestions more directly address the sad boner/stuck-up hot chick problem that he sees as the central cause of school shootings. First, Morten calls on Americans to embrace prostitution more energetically and “Make Brothels Great Again.”

In his mind, legal brothels would not only make it easier for boys to lose their virginity and slake their ongoing sexual frustrations. They would also take stuck-up high school girls down a peg or two.

“In a best-case scenario,” he writes,

a legitimate brothel system would permit boys to dispel their sexual frustrations and force girls to up their game if they want male attention.

So take that, whatever girl it was who turned down Sten Morten for prom!

Of course, the problem with brothels is that they still involve actual women with needs and desires and feelings of their own; you can pay for sex but, as they say, you can’t buy love.

Unless maybe the girl of your dreams is actually just a very clever computer program.

And that’s where the holographic girlfriends come in.

As artificial intelligence continues to improve, it is likely that we will have virtual companions in the near future. While these companions will never usurp the position of a dear friend or loved one, they could potentially function as a makeshift social outlet for the desperately lonely. In less than a decade, we will witness the first iterations of these virtual companions on the market.

And presumably the horny creepy young men will be able to give their new virtual girlfriends all the characteristics they desire, from a compliant personality to humongous imaginary boobs. Though the fact that imaginary girlfriends would be required to put up with their shit is probably the biggest draw for them, I would guess.

Many science fiction films have depicted what these virtual companions could be like. Her (2013) depicted a virtual companion named Samantha, an intelligent female voice that the main character eventually falls in love with. Samantha acted as a friend and trusted confidant to the main character; it is probable that today’s Siri or Alexa could evolve into something similar.

Er, did Morten actually watch Her all the way to the end? Aside from having the voice of Scarlett Johansson, I’m not sure that Samantha is the not-quite-real girl for Morten, or for that matter for anyone who reads Return of Kings. Without dropping any major spoilers, let’s just say that she may be a little too advanced for them. Like the flesh and blood women they hunger to dominate, she’s out of their league.