By David Futrelle
If you regularly partake in the Twitter, you may have seen this lovely tweet making the rounds in recent days:
https://twitter.com/renoomokri/status/963280461647659008
More than a few people have pointed out to Mr. Omokri that vaginas are not in fact slabs of dead fish and that vagina-havers can push entire human babies through them without permanently stretched them out. “Vaginas are muscular structures, not gaping holes,” writer Leah McElrath noted in a tweet. “They are potential spaces whose size changes to accommodate what goes in or comes out (i.e. babies).”
It turns out that Omokri — a conservative Christian author — has a lot of other thoughts about women, and vaginas, and food.
In this tweet, he tries out a citrus-fruit-based metaphor that I’m still struggling to make sense of,
Dear singles
People tend to throw away an orange after they have enjoyed the juice. That is why a wise orange does not allow itself to be enjoyed until the other party has committed themselves by doing the needful. A parable on keeping your virginity until marriage #RenosNuggets
— Reno Omokri (@renoomokri) February 11, 2018
So ladies, don’t be slutty oranges that men will toss out after fucking once. Be monogamous oranges that men will want to keep around to … fuck again and again, I guess.
Omokri is trying to sell his readers on marriage, but he’s doing a terrible job of it. This tweet is probably the bleakest metaphor for marriage I’ve ever run across.
I just hope he doesn’t think men should be peeling the skin off their wives before enjoying their juice, as it were.
But he’s not done with the food metaphors. Hell, he’s not even done with the fruit metaphors. Here he is comparing men to fruit trees.
Dear men,
Learn from nature, instead of wasting time chasing women. A tree doesn't chase birds. It simply produces fruit and birds become attracted to it. Likewise, if you as a man will just produce the fruit of success, birds will be attracted to you #RenosNuggets
— Reno Omokri (@renoomokri) February 8, 2018
He makes the same point again in this tweet, in which he compares women to stinging insects.
Dear men,
Don't dissipate your energy chasing women. Conserve your energy and focus it on generating money. Money is like nectar and women are like bees. As long as a flower has nectar, bees will be attracted to it #RenosNuggets
— Reno Omokri (@renoomokri) February 11, 2018
In yet another tweet he compares women to soup because why not?
Dear ladies,
A woman who sleeps with many men reduces her chances of being married by any man. Too many cooks spoil the broth and too many men spoil a woman. If sex could give you a husband, all prostitutes would have been married #RenosNuggets
— Reno Omokri (@renoomokri) February 11, 2018
While the food metaphor is once again nonsensical and misogynistic,it’s too dumb to get outraged over. To me, the most offensive thing about this tweet is that Omokri missed the opportunity to make an obvious pun. Shouldn’t it be “too many cocks spoil the broth?” Do I have to do all the work here?
But Omokri doesn’t only compare women to bugs and foodstuff. Here he offers an even darker metaphor.
Some men think they have married wives, but what they have married are living coffins inside whom so many aborted children have been murdered. This is why it is so important to abstain from sec until marriage. So that you remain a human being. Not a coffin #RenosNuggets
— Reno Omokri (@renoomokri) February 12, 2018
While Omokri thinks the vaginas of promiscuous women are like overfucked tuna or wrung-out oranges, he has a rather more sympathetic view of the vaginas of virtuous virgins.
Dear women,
The only legal entrance from the spiritual to the physical is a woman's private part. A spirit being from God passes through your womb and then your private part to become a human baby. So don't trivialize your private part by using it for promiscuity #RenosNuggets
— Reno Omokri (@renoomokri) February 12, 2018
So, cis ladies, are you whores or virgins? Your choice, at least in Omokri’s exceedingly strange mind, will determine whether your vaginas are unappetizing foodstuffs or portals to the divine.
PS: If all the talk of sex and fruit has you turned on, you might want to check out the new sex technique that’s (allegedly) sweeping the nation. It’s called Grapefuiting. This somewhat NSFW video explains it far better than I could, though there’s a slight chance it might put you off grapefruits forever.
If I get very bored I might start making up specific words that describe:
-people who have never driven cars before
-people who have never done a handstand
-people who have never dyed their hair
-people who haven’t accidentally put today’s date instead of their birthdate on forms…
A parable on how I feel about the concept of virginity. 🙂
Good to have you back, David
My encyclopedia on edible crops actually notes that people have had highly variable views on the mango* – this was attributed to variation in fruit quality. I think some people might also be highly sensitive to whatever substance causes the typical resinous tang in mango.
*”Many describe the mango as one of the world’s most delicious fruits, while others liken it to ‘a ball of yarn soaked in melange and turpentine'”
Mango is good (especially in juice) while nevertheless tasting ever so subtly of just a hint of soap.
Tosca has nailed it (the, um, delusionsalad, I mean *g*)
Considering the USA’s 2016 coup de toddler, the words “wise” and “orange” do not belong in the same sentence. At all.
So, I don’t see how swearing eternal constancy and signing an, um, “pre-sup” agreement results in a different fate for an orange. They all get discarded, whether the “needful” has been done or not. They’re oranges. Their juice is a one-time deal.
Dear singles: Look for someone who values you more than a piece of fruit. And stay away from the sour grapes.
Hello.
Sec ? Or sex ? Mispelling maybe (as he wrote sex in another tweet) ?
Because abstaining yourself for one second is a bit pointless…
Tree doesn’t chase birds, it chases mammoths.If two birds have sex on the tree, is it cuckoldery ? And if it is two cuckoos, is it double cuckoldery ?
Sex market value ? I am not sure your god appreciates your MRA arguments. And are you not supposed to say it is your god will if women get attracted by men (and reciprocally) ?
Anyway, with such analogies, he is on the verge of becoming a meme on the matrix.
Have a nice day.
From the way I felt on Boxing Day that’s not entirely bad advice.
If women were like cakes, you could either eat a woman, or enjoy her lifelong company.
However, with a consenting woman, you can do both.
It’s only cuckoldry if the chicks are supported by the tree.
I think mangoes taste like a seriously new and improved peach. Then again, I’m one of those people who think cilantro tastes like soap. I also can’t take very much rosemary or thyme in things because it starts to taste like mold to me.
Fresh mango tastes odd to me. I’d not call it turpentine taste (an absent minded incident while painting taught me all about turpentine’s taste and aftereffects 😛 ) – it’s more metallic than that.
But mango chutney is awesome, both with papadoms and as a glaze for meat or pies. 🙂
“A spirit being from God passes through your womb and then your private part to become a human baby”
Wait…the womb is before the private part. I thought it was the other way around.
Methinks this guy doesn’t know anatomy, especially women’s anatomy, very well.
Ah yes, the age-old “a woman’s womb is a sacred temple that must not be defiled”.
Here’s a six-week ultrasound from my pregnancy. Feel the holiness.
http://goway.info/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/trippy-bedrooms-marvelous-on-bedroom-for-tumblr-3.jpg
Nah. He just said there that life begins at birth. The spirit only attaches to the flesh as the baby leaves the birth canal.
Which is kinda odd for him to say, considering.
Oh, like how when you take a massive shit, your sphincter never closes again and you have to wear diapers for the rest of your life. That’s why you should only have a liquid diet because if you use your butthole, it’s ruined forever
Best take so far, I think.
Mangos taste moldy to me. Can’t stand them.
The fact that so many people are “great fruit” or “can’t stand them” with few in between, I suspect that mangos have at least one if not more chemicals that only some people can taste.
Cilantro is definite a “tasters vs. nontasters” situation. I taste no soap at all in it.
Tomatoes certainly are too. Most people love fresh tomatoes, but I grew up in a family with quite a few people who can’t stand the taste of fresh tomatoes (cooked are fine, which suggests the chemical in question is altered by the heat).
*creeps back in hoping the heathens have stopped their anti-mango barbarism*
Hambeast is right. Mangoes happened when Katie took a peach and thought, “Hm. I could go one better here.”
Confession: my high school years were spent in north Queensland, meaning endless hot humid summers with extra mango stench (they grew everywhere; the fruit bats dropped half-eaten ones all over the place…). Took me years to actually appreciate mangoes.
Also, pineapple on pizza – YUM. Whether there’s a dom involved or not.
Pineapple and ham is one of my fave pizzas but, alas, Husbeast also hates that. I don’t pout too much since he has to leave off bell pepper from everything cuz I hate them. I’ve found that pasilla chiles make a wonderful substitute in most things, but not pizza.
Spring mix salad (sometimes called baby greens) also taste moldy to me.
I like pineapple pizza!
in Thailand and Phillipeans they eat unripe mango with salt on it or sugar. i didn’t try it but looks like it is very bitter.
It’s always funny to me how polarizing pineapple pizza is. Personally, I think it’s gross even though I’m not necessarily opposed to savory and sweet combinations. I like green salads with fruit in it. Especially mandarin oranges.
It’s even funnier how polarizing deep dish pizza is though. Because that one I don’t get. I get not liking crust that thick. I don’t get why people claim it isn’t real pizza though.
Pizza-gate(keeping)
Pizza. Last Friday was pizza night, and my husband was out at an event. So just our younger son and me. He asked for jalapeno and anchovies. We thoroughly enjoyed it; we both like all kinds of small oily fish, but we try not to eat it in front of Dad (my husband), because he doesn’t care for fish of any kind.
I used to get canned Baltic sprats at a local shop, so we could have sprats on toast; alas, they no longer carry them.
Regarding the OP – I checked out his Twitter feed. He. . . has a lot of opinions about a number of things. To borrow a phrase, I wish I was as sure about anything as he is about everything.
Some time ago the president of Iceland joked on Twitter (IIRC) he’d ban pineapple on pizza if it were within his powers.
Apparently some people thought it was inappropriate of a political leader to joke on such things. Others maybe thought it’s generally inappropriate to mock people who like “controversial” food.
But then again there’s subtle but widespread shaming of people who don’t like something commonly accepted.
Back when cilantro was really trendy, any story seemed to include an obligatory note that some people really dislike cilantro. It’s like, normally you’d expect your fellow foodies to at least tolerate (and pretend to like, unless they’re legit allergic or something) anything that’s currently trendy, but cilantro is an exception.
Mish:
Oh my!
One of my favorite boyhood novels was Swiftlet Isles by James G. Porter, in clumsy Finnish translation. A teen boy in 1970s Queensland runs from home, squats in a hideout on Family Islands, goes to steal overripe mangoes from someone’s garden at night, meets a teen girl from nearby town…
@Arctic Ape
I think that is inappropriate because political leaders do sometimes ban things that people enjoy which don’t harm other people. In light of that, it’s not a very funny joke.
People are weird about food. They get angry if you don’t like the food they like. They insist you eat even if you turn down the food they offer. They don’t take allergies as a good reason not to eat something. They intentionally feed you things you don’t like or are allergic to in order to test you because they don’t believe you.
Same goes for other forms of perception, too. People get angry at me for not hearing them and assume I’m lying when I explain. They get angry when a sound is audible tyo them but not me. If that sound is sufficiently loud or annoying they don’t believe me that I can’t hear it.
It’s weird. No one wants to admit that people perceive things differently from them or that they have different likes or dislikes.