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Slutty oranges and tuna vaginas: The sexy sex insights of Reno Omokri

Dontcha wish your girlfriend was an orange like me?

By David Futrelle

If you regularly partake in the Twitter, you may have seen this lovely tweet making the rounds in recent days:

https://twitter.com/renoomokri/status/963280461647659008

More than a few people have pointed out to Mr. Omokri that vaginas are not in fact slabs of dead fish and that vagina-havers can push entire human babies through them without permanently stretched them out. “Vaginas are muscular structures, not gaping holes,” writer Leah McElrath noted in a tweet. “They are potential spaces whose size changes to accommodate what goes in or comes out (i.e. babies).”

It turns out that Omokri — a conservative Christian author — has a lot of other thoughts about women, and vaginas, and food.

In this tweet, he tries out a citrus-fruit-based metaphor that I’m still struggling to make sense of,

So ladies, don’t be slutty oranges that men will toss out after fucking once. Be monogamous oranges that men will want to keep around to … fuck again and again, I guess.

Omokri is trying to sell his readers on marriage, but he’s doing a terrible job of it. This tweet is probably the bleakest metaphor for marriage I’ve ever run across.

I just hope he doesn’t think men should be peeling the skin off their wives before enjoying their juice, as it were.

But he’s not done with the food metaphors. Hell, he’s not even done with the fruit metaphors. Here he is comparing men to fruit trees.

He makes the same point again in this tweet, in which he compares women to stinging insects.

In yet another tweet he compares women to soup because why not?

While the food metaphor is once again nonsensical and misogynistic,it’s too dumb to get outraged over. To me, the most offensive thing about this tweet is that Omokri missed the opportunity to make an obvious pun. Shouldn’t it be “too many cocks spoil the broth?” Do I have to do all the work here?

But Omokri doesn’t only compare women to bugs and foodstuff. Here he offers an even darker metaphor.

While Omokri thinks the vaginas of promiscuous women are like overfucked tuna or wrung-out oranges, he has a rather more sympathetic view of the vaginas of virtuous virgins.

So, cis ladies, are you whores or virgins? Your choice, at least in Omokri’s exceedingly strange mind, will determine whether your vaginas are unappetizing foodstuffs or portals to the divine.

PS: If all the talk of sex and fruit has you turned on, you might want to check out the new sex technique that’s (allegedly) sweeping the nation. It’s called Grapefuiting. This somewhat NSFW video explains it far better than I could, though there’s a slight chance it might put you off grapefruits forever.

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Mexican Hot Chocolate
Mexican Hot Chocolate
6 years ago

My only response is: Wha…?

THE_SAMURAI
THE_SAMURAI
6 years ago

Well, that made absolutely no sense.

Part of me cries knowing some lonely MGTOW is shaking his head in agreement behind the solice of a lit computer screen.

Michael Brew
Michael Brew
6 years ago

I can’t even with this.

Shadowplay
6 years ago

Preachers shouldn’t do analogies.

Glia
Glia
6 years ago

So, do c section babies not have souls, then? Would explain some things about my 3 year old.

PeeVee the Tired
PeeVee the Tired
6 years ago

This guy is a *gem*. He honestly makes me laugh so much, because I think he honestly believes the shit he’s saying, and his #RenosNuggets is just so cheesy.

I have no doubt that will be the next food-related analogy he’ll use.

tim gueguen
6 years ago

I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s into Prosperity Gospel thinking as well.

Ichthyic
Ichthyic
6 years ago

#RenosSHITnuggets

more like.

Myriad
Myriad
6 years ago

I don’t know what is more puzzling? Why they can’t seem to make a coherent metaphor or the fact that it never occurs to them that maybe those ladies have no intention of buying the whole pig when they can get the sausage for free.

Yuck, now I’m starting to talk in their cheesy food metaphors. ?

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

Sorry, Reno. My vagina was not made for a husband or a boyfriend or anyone else. It belongs to me and I’ll do whatever I want with it. If doing what I want with it causes misogynist tears, so much the better!

If he’s trying to sell traditional marriage with a tight vagina argument, he’s not succeeding.

Mild TMI alert:

PIV sex doesn’t stretch or tear the vagina enough to cause loss of elasticity. Childbirth, however, can. As a vagina haver that has a “notch count” higher than the national average, my vagina is probably actually tighter than a significant percentage of “traditional” women my age who are married, have given birth vaginally and have only ever been with their husbands.

And why would sex with 20 men once apiece stretch a vagina more than sex with one man 50 times. It just doesn’t make any sense to me.

The baby coffin thing makes no sense either. Unless he thinks that the tissue of the aborted embryo or fetus is just left inside the uterus? I’ve actually never had an abortion but I’m going to go out on a huge limb and say that’s not how abortion works! I mean, how can Planned Parenthood sell fetal tissue on the black market if they’re leaving it inside the womb coffins!?

SJW
SJW
6 years ago

Part of me cries knowing some lonely MGTOW is shaking his head in agreement behind the solice of a lit computer screen

….with a sock over his tiny hand, furiously gratifying himself over a satsuma!

I would feel sorry for them, if it wasn’t for – well – all the violence.

Nice to see you back David. Heal well.

Jayne
Jayne
6 years ago

@weirwoodtreehugger
The baby coffin thing I’ve actually heard before. There are some religious folks who believe that that’s what happens to women who use hormonal birth control. Apparently birth control works by letting a woman still conceive but then kills the fetus and it stays inside for some reason? The way I heard it phrased was “her womb will be full of dead babies”.
Very gross, and very factually incorrect.

Z&T
Z&T
6 years ago

Just for context: Yes I still have $ issues, which should hopefully be somewhat straightened out by the end of next week.

I hope to get some $ by Tuesday and plan to go shopping. Because I won’t be able to take my car for repair until later in the week, Tuesday’s shopping will be on foot.

Lucky for me there is a small grocery shop just a few blocks away where I can get a few essentials. They are a bit more expensive and of course I don’t want to carry much stuff home. Just plan to get a few things to keep me going for a few days. I already looked at their online ad and made note of a few things I thought I could get.

And believe it or not the items I was thinking of are……

Grapefruit.

Canned tuna.

And soup.

“abstain from sec” ?

…adds Triple Sec to shopping list….

Bina
6 years ago

Dearest Reno:

I don’t think your foody sex metaphors for keeping one’s virginity are working all that well for you. On the other hand, eating anything (as long as it’s tasty) and THEN having sex is rather fun. As is eating AFTER sex, which is when I often get extra hungry and food tastes extra good.

BTW, when are you going to talk about the importance of virgin sausages to women? You know, what about teh menz?

Love,

Me.

Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
6 years ago

TIL that:
Not all oranges are wise (also, “a wise orange” made me laugh so hard it hurt)
Women only have sex to get a husband
Trees are sexually attracted to birds
There are people walking around who look like women but are actually coffins
Vaginas are teleportation devices for spirits

I wonder if our food-and-vagina obsessed friend here has ever used mangoes in his little sermons? Mangoes are seriously sexual fruits, and also:

We will soon have a mango emoji! Apparently there’s been heavy lobbying going on for some time, and the Unicode consortium has just announced that a mango will be one of 157 brand new emojis soon to be available.
I had no idea how fascinating and complex the whole emoji approval process was!
The story I’ve linked here tries to portray the whole thing as little Aussie battlers taking on Silicon Valley, but offers a teensy acknowledgement that India was probably a much heavier hitter in the campaign.
Mmmmmm, mango…

kupo
kupo
6 years ago

Mmm, virgin sausages. I don’t know about the rest of the sausage lovers here, but if a sausage I’m about to wrap my orange around has already been inserted in a tuna steak I’ve got zero interest.

Shadowplay
6 years ago

Prefer venison sausages. Virgin are too sweet. 😛

What emotion is mango, anyways?

Hexum7
Hexum7
6 years ago

OH god, this is so funny that if it were the work of a satirist, it would be brilliant: just clueless enough to sound like an incel, but exaggerated enough to be downright silly.

Reno has a future writing for the Onion

Nequam
Nequam
6 years ago

@Shadowplay: some preachers can handle metaphor well– “the Kingdom of Heaven is like a mustard seed” and all that– but I think this guy would be hard-pressed to successfully pass a Turing test.

CleverForAGirl - microprostitute
CleverForAGirl - microprostitute
6 years ago

I’ll have you folks know that you just broke Mexican Hot Chocolate! He’s just sitting at the computer mumbling, “the tuna picture” over and over with varying inflection, occasionally punctuated by, “Wut?”

Scildfreja Unnyðnes
Scildfreja Unnyðnes
6 years ago

All I’m thinkin over here is “citrus glazed ahi tuna.” The lightest sear or just sashimi for the tuna, lovely bright citrus glaze, sesame seeds speckled overtop, on a bed of greens. My goodness, misandry is delicious.

Maybe I should be questioning my orientation or something.

Bina
6 years ago

Citrus-glazed tuna sounds delicious.

Goddamn it, Reno, now you’ve gone and made us all hungry!

JS
JS
6 years ago

Some tweeters were clearly not improved by getting #280chars.

Paradoxical Intention: Resident Cheeseburger Slut

Whenever people tell me they’re “spiritual”, I have to ask them to clarify.

After all, some demons are spirits too.

Speaking of food puns: I’m on Roommate’s Laptop (computer’s still laid low thanks to Microsoft’s brilliant fucking updates [/sarcasm]), and I realized that I’m still in possession of the Cheeseburger Slut moniker! Seems like a good time to go back to that, what with the slutty oranges and gaping tuna.

http://blogs.scentblazer.com/Portals/9/Blog/Files/1/275/Yellowfin_Tuna_Mouth_1.jpg

All we need is some BDSM Kale and we could start the sluttiest Whole Foods this side of Los Angeles!

DrSpleen
DrSpleen
6 years ago

It takes two to tango. Its concerning to me that Mr. Omokri chooses to place the burden of abstinence entirely on the head of women… when in reality both sexes share equal responsibility for partaking in premarital sex.

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