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Slutty oranges and tuna vaginas: The sexy sex insights of Reno Omokri

Dontcha wish your girlfriend was an orange like me?

By David Futrelle

If you regularly partake in the Twitter, you may have seen this lovely tweet making the rounds in recent days:

https://twitter.com/renoomokri/status/963280461647659008

More than a few people have pointed out to Mr. Omokri that vaginas are not in fact slabs of dead fish and that vagina-havers can push entire human babies through them without permanently stretched them out. “Vaginas are muscular structures, not gaping holes,” writer Leah McElrath noted in a tweet. “They are potential spaces whose size changes to accommodate what goes in or comes out (i.e. babies).”

It turns out that Omokri — a conservative Christian author — has a lot of other thoughts about women, and vaginas, and food.

In this tweet, he tries out a citrus-fruit-based metaphor that I’m still struggling to make sense of,

So ladies, don’t be slutty oranges that men will toss out after fucking once. Be monogamous oranges that men will want to keep around to … fuck again and again, I guess.

Omokri is trying to sell his readers on marriage, but he’s doing a terrible job of it. This tweet is probably the bleakest metaphor for marriage I’ve ever run across.

I just hope he doesn’t think men should be peeling the skin off their wives before enjoying their juice, as it were.

But he’s not done with the food metaphors. Hell, he’s not even done with the fruit metaphors. Here he is comparing men to fruit trees.

He makes the same point again in this tweet, in which he compares women to stinging insects.

In yet another tweet he compares women to soup because why not?

While the food metaphor is once again nonsensical and misogynistic,it’s too dumb to get outraged over. To me, the most offensive thing about this tweet is that Omokri missed the opportunity to make an obvious pun. Shouldn’t it be “too many cocks spoil the broth?” Do I have to do all the work here?

But Omokri doesn’t only compare women to bugs and foodstuff. Here he offers an even darker metaphor.

While Omokri thinks the vaginas of promiscuous women are like overfucked tuna or wrung-out oranges, he has a rather more sympathetic view of the vaginas of virtuous virgins.

So, cis ladies, are you whores or virgins? Your choice, at least in Omokri’s exceedingly strange mind, will determine whether your vaginas are unappetizing foodstuffs or portals to the divine.

PS: If all the talk of sex and fruit has you turned on, you might want to check out the new sex technique that’s (allegedly) sweeping the nation. It’s called Grapefuiting. This somewhat NSFW video explains it far better than I could, though there’s a slight chance it might put you off grapefruits forever.

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Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
2 years ago

@Arctic Ape,

Oh my!

One of my favorite boyhood novels was Swiftlet Isles by James G. Porter, in clumsy Finnish translation. A teen boy in 1970s Queensland runs from home, squats in a hideout on Family Islands, goes to steal overripe mangoes from someone’s garden at night, meets a teen girl from nearby town…

Okay, that’s just astonishing. I loved that book when I was a teenager. And there was you, all the way up there, reading it too 😲😮

It also reminds me (possibly TMI), but along with heat, humidity, and mangoes, sex is the other dominant element in my high school memories. tbf, there wasn’t much else to do…

Bina
2 years ago

I like pineapple, and I love pizza. But not together. That’s heresy!

Pineapple for dessert AFTER pizza, though? YUM.

Scildfreja Unnyðnes
Scildfreja Unnyðnes
2 years ago

I like pineapple on pizza; used to be just hawaiian but i’ve done, like, tomato and banan peppers and pineapple; stuff like that. It’s very nice. The sweet and the spicy go very well together.

But I don’t generally admit that i like pineapple pizza and never ever suggest it in mixed company, ’cause people get so offended by the suggestion. Grown men, whining about the suggestion of a fruit! It’s so damn obnoxious. It’s like suggesting that maybe bacon isn’t always the best thing ever.

F’n memes.

Croquembouche, extrenely mamal omen
Croquembouche, extrenely mamal omen
2 years ago

As another North Queensland and further north than that raised person, I’m iffy about mangoes. Also pawpaw (papaya), pineapple, custard apple, pumpkin and choko, all of which we or family and friends had growing in our yards, and all of which were force fed as kids.

Mangoes are horrible slimy things that are dropped half-eaten by birds and bats so that you can slip on them. Dried mango, pawpaw or pineapple are great though. And Valentin, fresh green mango with soy sauce and maybe a little sugar is wonderful. That’s how the Philippinx I know serve it. It’s not lemon-sour.

another wonderful sweet, sour and salty thing you see a lot of up here is salty plums, which are sour Chinese mountain plums (haw) buried in salt and sugar until their flesh dessicates to a thin skin. So yum!

Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
2 years ago

As yet another Queenslander… Having wild mangoes everywhere just made me love them more, heh. Bush tucker at its best, assuming I can find a tree that hasn’t been picked clean by the bloody lorikeets.

Valentin - Emigrantski Ragamuffin
Valentin - Emigrantski Ragamuffin
2 years ago

But I don’t generally admit that i like pineapple pizza and never ever suggest it in mixed company, ’cause people get so offended by the suggestion. Grown men, whining about the suggestion of a fruit! It’s so damn obnoxious. It’s like suggesting that maybe bacon isn’t always the best thing ever.

F’n memes.

me too! I am so annoyed by this. and worse – they think they are funny and original. but it is old and stupid joke. and honestly, pineapple on pizza is typical classic toping 🤷 what is the problem?

obnoxious is perfect to describe them.

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
2 years ago

kupo:

People are weird about food. They get angry if you don’t like the food they like. They insist you eat even if you turn down the food they offer. They don’t take allergies as a good reason not to eat something. They intentionally feed you things you don’t like or are allergic to in order to test you because they don’t believe you.

I’ve heard these stories, to lesser extent experienced myself. I was never much into performing eating (or anything else) as a communal ritual. Sexual consent, esp. from kink angle, is a great analogy. Like, it’s a meme that everyone likes or at least tolerates vanilla ice cream, but I wouldn’t literally expect that.

(And I try to avoid kink-shaming people who like pineapple pizza ice cream)

Moggie
Moggie
2 years ago

One of the ways people are weird about food is that whole eating meat as a sign of masculinity thing. Guys competing with one another about how rare they like their steak, vegetarians being laughed at as unmanly, “real men don’t eat quiche” and so on. Ok, good job, you ate part of an animal, so?

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
2 years ago

Mish:

Okay, that’s just astonishing. I loved that book when I was a teenager. And there was you, all the way up there, reading it too 😲😮

I never had quite that experience. There should be a youth novel about a teen boy who reads books all the time…

I’ve been occasionally reading Swiftlet Isles as an adult, since I found it on a flea market. Not long ago, it occurred to me that I can easily find detailed maps of the area on Google Earth. Then, I was able to confirm that Family Islands actually exist – and with a heap of money I could have a luxury vacation on Biagurra.

Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
2 years ago

@Moggie
Yep the meat = masculinity thing is a whole ‘nother set of issues. Sexual Politics of Meat was first published in the 90s but still has relevance now, I think.

@Arctic Ape
Now I’m confused. You never had what experience? 😦😯

Also, the kink analogy does work, but all this food plus kink stuff is … distracting. Reminds me of Tampopo too.
I’m off to do something very boring and worthy for a bit 😑

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
2 years ago

The experience of reading a novel with a major character very much like you, if that’s what you meant in the first place.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
2 years ago

@ mish

Sexual Politics of Meat

Ooh, I’d never heard of that, but having had a quick Google I know someone who’ll find it interesting. So cheers for the heads up.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
2 years ago

@ arctic ape

The experience of reading a novel with a major character very much like you

I’ve had the weird experience of reading a book that was describing the room that I was reading the book in.

Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
2 years ago

@Arctic Ape,

The experience of reading a novel with a major character very much like you, if that’s what you meant in the first place.

Ah, I get you. Sorry for being dense!
That wasn’t what I meant. I’m not sure I’ve ever had that experience (recognising self in a main character), and not sure I’ve ever wanted to, either. I usually read to get away from me, not find me again. Swiftlet Isles captured the atmosphere of Qld summer, is all. That boy was much braver than me.

I just meant that it was a striking and wonderful coincidence that yourself, up there in Finland, had read a somewhat obscure novel that I’d also read and loved as a teenager.

Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
2 years ago

@Alan,

When you Googled, did you find Carol Adams’ blog? She’s been writing about Trump in relation to Sexual Politics of Meat, inter alia. Your friend might find that interesting?

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
2 years ago

@ mish

did you find Carol Adams’ blog?

I hadn’t; but that’s pretty interesting so I’ll pass it on. It’s funny about the veggie/vegan =\= masculinity thing. I think you see the posts my friend constantly sends me in her mission to “get you off the tit” as she charmingly puts it. That’s all vegan MMA guys or ‘tough’ actors and celebrities.

ETA: I do soy milk anyway, but I like chocolate. Although apparently Bourneville is vegan so we can probably work something out.

Moggie
Moggie
2 years ago

Alan:

I’ve had the weird experience of reading a book that was describing the room that I was reading the book in.

You turn a page, and read:
“Sitting at a desk in the room is a man, reading. He turns a page”

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
2 years ago

@ moggie

It was a bit like that. Got goosebumps and kept looking over my shoulder.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

Proud meat eating is also some sort of status marker for conservatism. At least in the US. Vegatarianism and veganism is very associated with progressivism. That’s why the right threw a tantrum over the suggestion of doing meatless Mondays in school cafeterias. Just as the Obama’s are trying to take the guns of real Americans, they’re trying to take their burgers! Because suggesting that maybe you don’t need to eat meat every single day is exactly the same as outlawing meat altogether.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
2 years ago

Ted Nugent syndrome.

It’s ironic that the Nazis do the ‘soyboy’ thing, considering their idol’s culinary preferences.

opposablethumbs
opposablethumbs
2 years ago

I’ve had the weird experience of reading a book that was describing the room that I was reading the book in.

Oooh, was it … Bleak House??? 🙂

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
2 years ago

Weirdly it was The Big Hungry Caterpillar (not really, it was one of the Rumpole books)

But speaking of reading stuff in the original location, that’s a great excuse to post my favourite curmudgeonly sign.

comment image

I get the impression that last paragraph was added by someone saying “FFS Kevin, leave them something

Moon_custafer
Moon_custafer
2 years ago

Hotblack Desiato, Estate Agents, need one of those signs, if they haven’t got one already. They do have a bit on their website explaining that Douglas Adams named a character after their business and not the other way around.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
2 years ago

@ moon custafer

They do have a sign in the window, and a copy of the book open at the appropriate page. It probably doesn’t do them any harm though.

I wonder if Vladimir Harkonnen is still around? Frank Herbert just got his name from the phone book.

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
2 years ago

I just meant that it was a striking and wonderful coincidence that yourself, up there in Finland, had read a somewhat obscure novel that I’d also read and loved as a teenager.

OK, I thought that was a separate point. I too am impressed to find someone who both lived in that general area as a teen, and read and liked the book. I figured it’s not a bestseller in Australia either, because of very little online reference.

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
2 years ago

Alan – I’m not a Dune fan but noticed long ago that Harkonnen looks like common Finnish-American Anglicization pattern on Finnish surname Härkönen (“Ox kin”). Recently saw this confirmed on Wikipedia.

Frank Herbert wanted a harsh-sounding name for the antagonists of his novel, Dune. Herbert came across the name “Härkönen” in a California telephone book and thought that it sounded “Soviet” (it is in fact Finnish), which touched a nerve with Cold War-era readers.[2] In earlier drafts of his novel, the lead villain was called “Valdemar Hoskanner”.

There might be a Vladimir Härkönen in some family of mixed Finnish and Russian ancestry, most likely in Russia.

Hambeast
Hambeast
2 years ago

Kupo said

People are weird about food. They get angry if you don’t like the food they like. They insist you eat even if you turn down the food they offer. They don’t take allergies as a good reason not to eat something. They intentionally feed you things you don’t like or are allergic to in order to test you because they don’t believe you.

I have never understood this. In fact, one of the things Kidbeast and I have bonded over is that we both think Husbeast’s insistence on them trying new foods* is silly. My mom was a bit overbearing on that front and I always hated it, so I can’t see how doing it to others would be a good thing.

I think encouragement to try new foods is okay, but this goes beyond that and Kidbeast is old enough to know what they do and don’t like, pretty much. Even if I’m wrong, Kidbeast has two other parents and I don’t have to participate in this particular “rule.”

opposablethumbs
opposablethumbs
2 years ago

“This plaque has been placed here in response to [our getting quite incredibly pissed off with very, very, very ] many inquiries” :-]

Bina
2 years ago

@Alan:

It’s ironic that the Nazis do the ‘soyboy’ thing, considering their idol’s culinary preferences.

Isn’t it? I find it deliciously ironic, in light of the fact that Hitler’s personal dope dealer — sorry, “doctor” — gave him a fecal transplant (capsules full of coliform bacteria from healthy young soldiers) to help the newly-vegetarian Onkel Adolf cope with all those beans he couldn’t digest.

But I guess that since they probably weren’t soy, they don’t count?

The Real Cie
2 years ago

Re: the “living coffins inside which so many aborted children have been murdered” bit.
Does this ultramaroon believe that the majority of women have multiple abortions? Like, we alternate having a period with having an abortion every other month or something?
Seeing as he really doesn’t seem to understand how female anatomy works, I can only hope that no woman ever lets him near hers.

The Real Cie
2 years ago

Off topic but on a different topic, I love pineapple on pizza and I don’t care who knows it. The late Ronnie James Dio once joked that if he were suddenly made ruler of the world, he would send anyone who put pineapple on pizza to the dungeon, but he was, you know, joking. Some people are so deadly serious about it that it makes me want to keep cans of pineapple handy so I can scoop some onto their pizza. Sheesh.

flexitarian haruspix
flexitarian haruspix
2 years ago

This guy has so many euphemisms and hang-ups about referering to women’s bits it makes you ask:

Orange you glad he didn’t say ‘vagina’?

bluecat
bluecat
2 years ago

I’m late to this party, but can I suggest “The wise orange abstains from sec” as my new T-shirt slogan.

happy cat
happy cat
2 years ago

By the way, have you seen this parody?

https://twitter.com/PUAForWomen/status/1039685977231380482

Virgin Mary
Virgin Mary
2 years ago

My eldest cousin lost his virginity to a bunny rabbit puppet, and my younger cousin lost his to a Popple, I wonder why their magic splunk didn’t cause these inanimate soft toys to come alive, achieve sentience and maybe go to university?