By David Futrelle
If you regularly partake in the Twitter, you may have seen this lovely tweet making the rounds in recent days:
https://twitter.com/renoomokri/status/963280461647659008
More than a few people have pointed out to Mr. Omokri that vaginas are not in fact slabs of dead fish and that vagina-havers can push entire human babies through them without permanently stretched them out. “Vaginas are muscular structures, not gaping holes,” writer Leah McElrath noted in a tweet. “They are potential spaces whose size changes to accommodate what goes in or comes out (i.e. babies).”
It turns out that Omokri — a conservative Christian author — has a lot of other thoughts about women, and vaginas, and food.
In this tweet, he tries out a citrus-fruit-based metaphor that I’m still struggling to make sense of,
Dear singles
People tend to throw away an orange after they have enjoyed the juice. That is why a wise orange does not allow itself to be enjoyed until the other party has committed themselves by doing the needful. A parable on keeping your virginity until marriage #RenosNuggets
— Reno Omokri (@renoomokri) February 11, 2018
So ladies, don’t be slutty oranges that men will toss out after fucking once. Be monogamous oranges that men will want to keep around to … fuck again and again, I guess.
Omokri is trying to sell his readers on marriage, but he’s doing a terrible job of it. This tweet is probably the bleakest metaphor for marriage I’ve ever run across.
I just hope he doesn’t think men should be peeling the skin off their wives before enjoying their juice, as it were.
But he’s not done with the food metaphors. Hell, he’s not even done with the fruit metaphors. Here he is comparing men to fruit trees.
Dear men,
Learn from nature, instead of wasting time chasing women. A tree doesn't chase birds. It simply produces fruit and birds become attracted to it. Likewise, if you as a man will just produce the fruit of success, birds will be attracted to you #RenosNuggets
— Reno Omokri (@renoomokri) February 8, 2018
He makes the same point again in this tweet, in which he compares women to stinging insects.
Dear men,
Don't dissipate your energy chasing women. Conserve your energy and focus it on generating money. Money is like nectar and women are like bees. As long as a flower has nectar, bees will be attracted to it #RenosNuggets
— Reno Omokri (@renoomokri) February 11, 2018
In yet another tweet he compares women to soup because why not?
Dear ladies,
A woman who sleeps with many men reduces her chances of being married by any man. Too many cooks spoil the broth and too many men spoil a woman. If sex could give you a husband, all prostitutes would have been married #RenosNuggets
— Reno Omokri (@renoomokri) February 11, 2018
While the food metaphor is once again nonsensical and misogynistic,it’s too dumb to get outraged over. To me, the most offensive thing about this tweet is that Omokri missed the opportunity to make an obvious pun. Shouldn’t it be “too many cocks spoil the broth?” Do I have to do all the work here?
But Omokri doesn’t only compare women to bugs and foodstuff. Here he offers an even darker metaphor.
Some men think they have married wives, but what they have married are living coffins inside whom so many aborted children have been murdered. This is why it is so important to abstain from sec until marriage. So that you remain a human being. Not a coffin #RenosNuggets
— Reno Omokri (@renoomokri) February 12, 2018
While Omokri thinks the vaginas of promiscuous women are like overfucked tuna or wrung-out oranges, he has a rather more sympathetic view of the vaginas of virtuous virgins.
Dear women,
The only legal entrance from the spiritual to the physical is a woman's private part. A spirit being from God passes through your womb and then your private part to become a human baby. So don't trivialize your private part by using it for promiscuity #RenosNuggets
— Reno Omokri (@renoomokri) February 12, 2018
So, cis ladies, are you whores or virgins? Your choice, at least in Omokri’s exceedingly strange mind, will determine whether your vaginas are unappetizing foodstuffs or portals to the divine.
PS: If all the talk of sex and fruit has you turned on, you might want to check out the new sex technique that’s (allegedly) sweeping the nation. It’s called Grapefuiting. This somewhat NSFW video explains it far better than I could, though there’s a slight chance it might put you off grapefruits forever.
Alan – I’m not a Dune fan but noticed long ago that Harkonnen looks like common Finnish-American Anglicization pattern on Finnish surname Härkönen (“Ox kin”). Recently saw this confirmed on Wikipedia.
There might be a Vladimir Härkönen in some family of mixed Finnish and Russian ancestry, most likely in Russia.
Kupo said
I have never understood this. In fact, one of the things Kidbeast and I have bonded over is that we both think Husbeast’s insistence on them trying new foods* is silly. My mom was a bit overbearing on that front and I always hated it, so I can’t see how doing it to others would be a good thing.
I think encouragement to try new foods is okay, but this goes beyond that and Kidbeast is old enough to know what they do and don’t like, pretty much. Even if I’m wrong, Kidbeast has two other parents and I don’t have to participate in this particular “rule.”
“This plaque has been placed here in response to [our getting quite incredibly pissed off with very, very, very ] many inquiries” :-]
@Alan:
Isn’t it? I find it deliciously ironic, in light of the fact that Hitler’s personal dope dealer — sorry, “doctor” — gave him a fecal transplant (capsules full of coliform bacteria from healthy young soldiers) to help the newly-vegetarian Onkel Adolf cope with all those beans he couldn’t digest.
But I guess that since they probably weren’t soy, they don’t count?
Re: the “living coffins inside which so many aborted children have been murdered” bit.
Does this ultramaroon believe that the majority of women have multiple abortions? Like, we alternate having a period with having an abortion every other month or something?
Seeing as he really doesn’t seem to understand how female anatomy works, I can only hope that no woman ever lets him near hers.
Off topic but on a different topic, I love pineapple on pizza and I don’t care who knows it. The late Ronnie James Dio once joked that if he were suddenly made ruler of the world, he would send anyone who put pineapple on pizza to the dungeon, but he was, you know, joking. Some people are so deadly serious about it that it makes me want to keep cans of pineapple handy so I can scoop some onto their pizza. Sheesh.
This guy has so many euphemisms and hang-ups about referering to women’s bits it makes you ask:
Orange you glad he didn’t say ‘vagina’?
I’m late to this party, but can I suggest “The wise orange abstains from sec” as my new T-shirt slogan.
By the way, have you seen this parody?
https://twitter.com/PUAForWomen/status/1039685977231380482
My eldest cousin lost his virginity to a bunny rabbit puppet, and my younger cousin lost his to a Popple, I wonder why their magic splunk didn’t cause these inanimate soft toys to come alive, achieve sentience and maybe go to university?