By David Futrelle
I thought I’d take a moment this Friday evening to signal-boost a very important tweet from film producer Keith Calder on the subject of dudes so wrapped up in their own supposed machoness that they can’t “poop properly” or, even worse, clean up afterwards.
Here’s the tweet.
https://twitter.com/keithcalder/status/918598272243126272
Let us consider each of the three screenshots in turn.
The first one is almost poignant in its innocence, from a Reddit dude who’s been perching on the toilet rim to poop his whole life because he somehow grew up believing that toilet seats are meant only for girls.
The other two (also from Reddit) are a little more disturbing — and disgusting — partly because they involve massive failures in butt hygiene and partly because they feature posts from women who have apparently been putting up with these massive butt hygiene failures from their dudes for a long time.
Also both of the dudes in question refuse to change their ways.
Brace yourself!
I have a number of questions here, not least: how exactly did the author of this post not realize this unpleasant fact about her angry stinky dude BEFORE THEY GOT MARRIED? I’m not trying to blame the victim here but I simply don’t understand how this would even be possible.
Also I hope she has managed to get this abusive shitstain out of her life.
The next story is similarly puzzling:
YES IT IS YES YES AND AGAIN YES.
I can only hope that at least one of these posts is a troll job, if not all of them, but given what I have learned about my fellow men in my years writing this blog I have to admit that they could very well all be true.
DUDES, WIPE YOUR DAMN ASSES.
H/T — Thanks to @RemingtonWild on Twitter for alerting me to Calder’s tweet
Re off-the-chart-macho-and-mayunly-etc. … I would hazard a guess that the SAS, for example, (and I think the US equivalent would be Seals, maybe?) who notoriously learn to survive in the wilderness with nothing but half a penknife and the outside tube of a ballpoint pen or something like that, are rigorously taught to look after personal hygiene as much as humanly possible under the circs.
Being literally scared to touch your own arse in the context of going to the loo is … surprising (it’s disgusting too, but that goes without saying). How does anyone get that insecure about their sexuality/their body/their sense of self/whatever the fuck is going on here?????
@ opposablethumbs
TMI Warning
Here’s the drill. Get mate to hold plastic bag whilst you poo into it. Take one sheet of toilet paper. Tear off corner. Insert finger through middle of sheet. Have a good scrape around. Hold sheet whilst withdrawing finger so everything gets scooped up and finger is wiped clean. Use corner to clean nail. Put paper in poo bag and put poo bag in your bergen* and take away with you.
So on balance having a whole roll to play with and a sink doesn’t seem that arduous.
(* or better still, someone else’s bergen)
What? Really? Where can you get them that cheap. I would definitely spend $50 on a bidet attachment.
Although I can guarantee it will take more than 30 minutes to install.
That is so stupid! Vikings washed themselfes often and with ash. Romans had bath houses. The Gauls loved to play together in rivers.
How much more manly can you get than those people? (and yes, I only mentioned European civilizations because those people would probably start rolling in pig’s feces when I told them how much the Persians loved to be clean)
Our younger son made it to five years old without having learned proper perianal procedures, due entirely to a truly lamentable foster care situation. He got better; fortunately, he had the example of two fathers and an older brother.
Regardless of any other issues he may have should he ever live on his own, at least that will not be among them.
Just remembered – on my last doctor’s visit, he performed what he referred to as a ‘rectal Pap smear’, and apologized in advance for any discomfort. I remarked, “Doctor, if this is the worst thing that happens to me today, I’m doing better than a lot of people.” He had to pause until he stopped laughing; apparently, few of his male patients are that cavalier about it.
Dormousing:
I maybe should trim my butt hair for hygienic reasons, but I imagine using scissors for that would be actually extremely difficult. A razor would be likely easier, but I’m afraid of getting small cuts that would be then exposed to fecal bacteria.
Maybe some kind of electric safety razor? Any tips from the other gentlemen here?
@Arctic Ape
The eyebrow attachment on a cheapo nose and ear trimmer works just fine. No cuts or scrapes. Obvs, buy one JUST for that trimming 😛
Opposablethumbs:
Maybe it’s possible he’s just reflexively resistant to even considering changing any of his habits, so he cooked up some ad hoc excuse?
Maybe he’s long ago decided it’s easiest to use the “real men do this” retort for ANY random habit he doesn’t want questioned.
Shadowplay: OK, maybe I’ll first get one for my nose and see how it works.
Imagine being so homophobic you can’t wipe your own ass.
Also I feel sorry for straight men who just wanna be pegged by their wife, girlfriend, or casual woman sex partners, but hate themselves for it because they think it would make them gay.
How would you even try to comfort someone like that and get them to change?
If I ever get round to getting a new bathroom (I keep saying “maybe next year”), I’m thinking of having one of those hi-tech Toto “washlets” from Japan. Toilet plus bidet plus warm air plus heated seat: expensive, but pooping has never been more luxurious!
@ moggie
Wasn’t it Neil in Inbetweeners who found some toilet so nice “Sometimes I save it just so I can go there, you know, as a treat”?
@Kaitlin
He did, though. He complained that if he wants to date women he has to wipe his ass thoroughly and brush his teeth, among other things.
https://www.wehuntedthemammoth.com/2014/10/02/why-pickup-guru-roosh-v-resents-women-for-forcing-him-to-clip-his-fingernails-and-wipe-his-own-ass/
@ kupo
Nice rebuttal
OT: if you’re wondering what kind of “values” might be on display at the “values voter summit”, here’s cartoon villain Gorka to enlighten you:
https://twitter.com/ABCPolitics/status/919221080945856512
Why do you always have to lie about me lying? Do you just not like me?
Who is Kaitlin, and why did this person drop by just to make an unfounded and easily-disproved accusation of lying about Roosh of all people?
To say Roosh was whining about having to wipe his ass misrepresents his point. He was just making a list of hygiene tasks, and you people focused on that item only.
Also, yes, I’m his sister.
Who is Kaitlin, – An idiot. Or Roosh, which doesn’t invalidate the first answer.
and why did this person drop by just to make an unfounded and easily-disproved accusation of lying about Roosh of all people? – obsessive self googling.
It’s pretty common for drive by trolls with female names to drop in and defend Roosh. I’m pretty sure they’re not women and are RoK forum members. Women aren’t allowed to post there so they probably think that men aren’t allowed to post here.
@WWTH
Or they think that feminists have to listen to women and won’t listen to men.
He was whining about having to wipe his ass. Why don’t you stop lying?
He was making a list of hygiene tasks that he resents doing because women don’t want to fuck someone smelly, dirty and greasy. The ass wiping thing was focused on because it’s hilarious that he’s like a toddler in potty training mad that mommy no longer wants to change his dirty diaper and wipe his poopy butt. He’s just a smidge less cute than a toddler though.
Hey, Buttercup, your excellent “septic masculinity” joke was shamelessly stolen by Boing Boing. So you’re kind of famous.
https://boingboing.net/2017/10/14/skidmarks-for-everyone.html
@ kaitlin
Forgive me please because I must have missed something, but what was his point then?