By David Futrelle
I thought I’d take a moment this Friday evening to signal-boost a very important tweet from film producer Keith Calder on the subject of dudes so wrapped up in their own supposed machoness that they can’t “poop properly” or, even worse, clean up afterwards.
Here’s the tweet.
https://twitter.com/keithcalder/status/918598272243126272
Let us consider each of the three screenshots in turn.
The first one is almost poignant in its innocence, from a Reddit dude who’s been perching on the toilet rim to poop his whole life because he somehow grew up believing that toilet seats are meant only for girls.
The other two (also from Reddit) are a little more disturbing — and disgusting — partly because they involve massive failures in butt hygiene and partly because they feature posts from women who have apparently been putting up with these massive butt hygiene failures from their dudes for a long time.
Also both of the dudes in question refuse to change their ways.
Brace yourself!
I have a number of questions here, not least: how exactly did the author of this post not realize this unpleasant fact about her angry stinky dude BEFORE THEY GOT MARRIED? I’m not trying to blame the victim here but I simply don’t understand how this would even be possible.
Also I hope she has managed to get this abusive shitstain out of her life.
The next story is similarly puzzling:
YES IT IS YES YES AND AGAIN YES.
I can only hope that at least one of these posts is a troll job, if not all of them, but given what I have learned about my fellow men in my years writing this blog I have to admit that they could very well all be true.
DUDES, WIPE YOUR DAMN ASSES.
H/T — Thanks to @RemingtonWild on Twitter for alerting me to Calder’s tweet
I went out with a guy who wouldn’t let me touch his butt. Butt touching was right out as it is weird he said… I’m talking cheeks here not crack. I just wanted something to hang onto.
@Vucodlak
I read your post about that on Pharyngula. I couldn’t believe how some of those posters were acting towards you after you shared that. Hugs if you want them. Nazi punches if you want those, too.
@Vucodlak
….You need healing fuzz. I’m so sorry about what happened to you.
Thanks for the sympathy, all. It was a long time ago (about 15 years), so I’ve mostly made peace with it. I’d actually gotten to the point where I didn’t think about it every day… until a certain thin-skinned sack of syphilis-drippings named Donald Trump started winning primaries.
@ Bina
I’m probably stuck with the urinary incontinence, which I can live with. The other problem will likely require surgery, so I’ve been putting it off.
@ kupo
Thanks! As to the reactions, I’m afraid some people just won’t understand the threat until it’s too late. I take heart from the fact that a few of the posters came around when I and others shared their personal stories. That’s the main reason I keep talking about it.
@Vucodlak
I take heart from the fact that a few of the posters came around when I and others shared their personal stories. That’s the main reason I keep talking about it.
You’re a good person. Respect to you.
@DMW
I wonder what percentage of prostate and colon cancer deaths are due to some guys being more afraid of catching the gay than of their own cells deciding to go their own way.
@Steven Dutch:
They’d probably call you a globalist elite for owning a bidet.
@Vucodlak
All the hugs.
I’ve heard this was an extremely common problem in some African countries after a civil war. Lots of male rape victims with injuries and a culture where they couldn’t admit to anyone what had happened, plus a serious shortage of medical services. I think it was Doctors without Boarders who were trying to help, but they were’t even sure how many victims there were.
CN for sexual and emotional abuse
The main topic reminds me of a case I heard about a couple of years ago at (I think) No Longer Quivering. For those of you who aren’t familiar with it, it’s a site for people who’ve left extreme fundamental Christianity. The sort where you don’t even kiss before marriage and then you have to do everything your husband wants, especially sexually. This poor woman’s husband a) had a serious personal hygiene problem b) ,demanded frequent blow jobs and c) refused to even consider changing either one. Divorce wasn’t an option in their church so eventually she went to the church elders. Said elders gently suggested to him that he treat his wife a little better and consider washing before oral sex, and emphatically told her that yes, her husband was rather unreasonable, but she still had to give him the blow jobs regardless of hygiene or she’d most definitely go to a sizzling hot hell.
Reading aloud to my beloved the post from the guy who thought real men don’t use the seat and he said “Did he just get used to doing it that way in prison?”
Unkind, but he has a point.
ALSO… what the hell happens to these chaps if they get a dodgy prostate? Too macho for health care?
The intoduction of toilet paper lowered the rate of infection and overall mortality in the developed world.
That is all I can say.
Seriously, I’m not even so much disgusted as I am just bewildered. There are actually people out there who… don’t wipe their bottoms, because… it’s… “unmanly”? Like… whaaaaaaaaaaaa…? I mean, I knew there were men out there who’d consider wearing pink or eating salads unmanly, and I can sorta understand why, but… wiping their bottoms? That doesn’t make any sense! Where the hell does this come from?! That’s as arbitrary as proclaiming that buttering one’s toast the right side up is unmanly!
I swear, whether it’s people who genuinely believe that Hillary Clinton is running a child sex slavery ring out of a pizza parlor, or people who refuse to sever the umbilical cords of their newborn babies, or whoever else, sometimes, you just have to wonder what the hell goes on in the minds of some of the people you hear about on the internet. Who are these people? Where did they come from? How did they come to be the way they are? What are they like on a day-to-day, face-to-face basis? I just can’t put myself into their shoes – can’t envision myself as being or becoming such a person myself. It’s like they inhabit a parallel universe which I can never myself access, or something.
Thoses guys seriously need help. Of course, the macho attitude also mean they will refuse it regardless. But they could choose random quirks that aren’t, you know, safety hazard.
Truth is stranger than satire.
Reminds me of this:
http://www.methodquarterly.com/2014/11/handwashing/
Can’t say it’s true for all the “too macho for a clean butt” guys and their adjacent types of toxic masculinity bros, but if they have it their way, nobody would have healthcare or see a doctor because taaaaaaaxesssss! (Like they’re the only ones who pay them and any minute they’ll become millionaires and billionaires.) They need to have things explained to them as far as what living in society and contributing the funds for roads, emergency services, public schools and all the other stuff that taxes pay for. But “if I can’t have my crappy catastrophic doesn’t cover much and will bankrupt me if I get seriously ill-healthcare plan; I’m going to make sure nobody gets any kind of healthcare unless it’s my elderly parents so I don’t have to take care of them myself” is not the sort of thing they should be proud of declaring to anyone willing to listen.
CLEAN BUTTS ARE NON-STINKY BUTTS. And non-stinky is a good quality* for a butt to possess.
*non-stinky is a quality that is highly desired for all kinds of things, not just butts.
abars01:
Someone should market toilet paper with a name like “tactical butt maintenance surface”, in a matt black wrapper. Same principle as this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUjh4DE8FZA
Or this:
http://media.gettyimages.com/photos/toilet-paper-made-of-sand-paper-picture-id103586951
http://store.hbo.com/last-week-tonight-with-john-oliver-tactical-assault-wipe/detail.php?p=1454762
Wait a minute, didn’t Roosh complain about having to wipe his own ass once? Hmm…
Here’s what I don’t get: how do these people handle the itch?
Having a chronic case of Ass Chafe might explain some of the never ending saltiness of these dudes. I always wondered why they don’t seem to actually enjoy having the whole world designed to cater to them…
There’s something on this page directing to image.ibb.co that is making my antivirus object.
No, he wasn’t. Why do you always have to lie, just because you don’t like him?
Someone shield the children… and give them plenty of toilet paper.
It’s weird. I sometimes wonder if they were always there but underground (only to be revealed due to the internet). As for the butt thing; I guess it’s the “Being dirty & smelly is primal and manly!” thing.
It’s all really stupid.
@SpukiKitty
I sometimes wonder if they were always there but underground (only to be revealed due to the internet).
The minging sods have always been there, and more of them than you’d expect. Ask anyone (male, at least) who went through boot camp.