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“Dudes too macho to wipe their asses” is apparently a thing

Cats are also absurdly hostile to toilet paper (but at least they do clean their butts on a regular basis)

By David Futrelle

I thought I’d take a moment this Friday evening to signal-boost a very important tweet from film producer Keith Calder on the subject of dudes so wrapped up in their own supposed machoness that they can’t “poop properly” or, even worse, clean up afterwards.

Here’s the tweet.

https://twitter.com/keithcalder/status/918598272243126272

Let us consider each of the three screenshots in turn.

The first one is almost poignant in its innocence, from a Reddit dude who’s been perching on the toilet rim to poop his whole life because he somehow grew up believing that toilet seats are meant only for girls.

The other two (also from Reddit) are a little more disturbing — and disgusting — partly because they involve massive failures in butt hygiene and partly because they feature posts from women who have apparently been putting up with these massive butt hygiene failures from their dudes for a long time.

Also both of the dudes in question refuse to change their ways.

Brace yourself!

I have a number of questions here, not least: how exactly did the author of this post not realize this unpleasant fact about her angry stinky dude BEFORE THEY GOT MARRIED? I’m not trying to blame the victim here but I simply don’t understand how this would even be possible.

Also I hope she has managed to get this abusive shitstain out of her life.

The next story is similarly puzzling:

YES IT IS YES YES AND AGAIN YES.

I can only hope that at least one of these posts is a troll job, if not all of them, but given what I have learned about my fellow men in my years writing this blog I have to admit that they could very well all be true.

DUDES, WIPE YOUR DAMN ASSES.

H/T — Thanks to   on Twitter for alerting me to Calder’s tweet

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Dan Kasteray
Dan Kasteray
3 years ago

I want to believe these are troll posts but in a world where people don’t regularly throw garbage and stones at Steve Bannon while (if) he walks in the streets I don’t have that much faith.

Satire feels pretty dead these days

Policy of Madness
Policy of Madness
3 years ago

I have a number of questions here, not least: how exactly did the author of this post not realize this unpleasant fact about her angry stinky dude BEFORE THEY GOT MARRIED? I’m not trying to blame the victim here but I simply don’t understand how this would even be possible.

No sex or living together before marriage would be my first guess. If the only time you’ve ever seen a dude was when he was fully clothed, it might be hard to tell that his feet stink and his butt crack is full of poop.

On the other hand, I wonder if this is the first time he’s gotten pissed and screamed in her face. 🙁

DMW
DMW
3 years ago

I’ve encountered this odd school of thought, too. Maybe it’s related to the “only girls fuss over being clean and smelling nice” thing, or the good ol’ homophobic idea “if a guy ever does literally anything to his butt then he’s gay forever.”

If so, they’re gonna have some problems with medical practices like prostate exams and colonoscopies somewhere on down the line, is all I’m saying.

Chayanov
Chayanov
3 years ago

They might be troll posts, but growing up I knew my brother didn’t use toilet paper because often he also wouldn’t flush. In addition he would hide his filthy underwear under his bed so his room smelled awful. He’s married now and I always assumed he cleaned up his ways, but seeing those posts maybe not.

MissEB47 (Resident Rainbow Lorikeet and Beak Typist)
MissEB47 (Resident Rainbow Lorikeet and Beak Typist)
3 years ago

I can’t believe what I just read. Bloody hell that’s some foul stuff. Those poor women! I hope they dumped/divorced them. Noone should put up with that from their significant others. I need some brain bleach. Here are two cats playing with toilet paper.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2cLPmVpaMAk

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
3 years ago

I think we’ve crossed the line into septic masculinity.

tim gueguen
3 years ago

Maybe cats prefer their humans to have really smelly butts, hence the attacks on toilet paper.

MissEB47 (Resident Rainbow Lorikeet and Beak Typist)
MissEB47 (Resident Rainbow Lorikeet and Beak Typist)
3 years ago

Buttercup-LOL! 😁 We sure have!

Dormousing_it
Dormousing_it
3 years ago

I now have a new respect for the gentleman I saw on YouTube who admitted using clippers to trim the hair around his anus, and in his butt crack. When I first saw his video, I thought that was a bit much. Wouldn’t it be sufficient, I reasoned, to simply trim that hair with a pair of scissors?

I guess he must be very hirsute! Apparently, he felt he had to take clippers to that part of his body for hygienic reasons. What if he slipped up with the clippers? Damn, I don’t want to think about it.

I hope at least some of these tweets are trolls. That dude who felt it was unmanly to let anything between his cheeks…I guess that includes a prostate exam. Oh, well, it’s his mortality.

PeeVee the (Tired of the Militant Plasticfaced) Sarcastic
PeeVee the (Tired of the Militant Plasticfaced) Sarcastic
3 years ago

What is this OMG I can’t even.

*Goes and kisses my husband for being who he is*

Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
3 years ago

Did Keith Calder toilet train himself?

Because that’s the only way he would be ignorant of the fact that men sit on the toilet seat to have a BM.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

It’s not often one could say that Roosh is ahead of the times but he was whining about the misandry of butt hygiene years ago.

I just do not get why someone would not mind going around with a poopy butt all day.

TMI alert

When I have a mushy poop I sometimes don’t feel like I wiped everything clean on the first go. I always go back to the bathroom and take another pass because that is just the WORST feeling ever. How could anyone live like that every day? I’m kind of a slob and not a germaphobe at all. So when I’m repulsed, it’s probably bad. Not wiping your ass? BAD.

Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
3 years ago

Oops! I now see that Keith Calder does indeed know that men sit on a toilet seat to have a BM. It’s some other guy from back in 2014 who didn’t know that.

My argument still holds: The 2014 guy was not raised by wolves.

My boyfriend also astutely pointed out that toilet bowls are cold, hard, and very wide.

Bina
3 years ago

“I’ve tried to instruct him how to butt” just cracked me up in all the wrong ways. Watch your homonyms, people…

And on a how-to-butt note, how DO these guys even make it onto the Internet with their incredible asininity? The fact that they can’t even wipe their own asses…urgh. Even if you can’t spell hygiene, at the very least you should know how to practice it…

Maybe it’s just my irritable bowel syndrome talking, but I know that if my butt’s not sufficiently cleaned up after a bad bout with the runs (I have the D-type of IBS, look it up if you’re so inclined), it feels sore. Poop residue isn’t just stinky and gross, it’s actually painful.

Sorry about the excess info, folks, but(t) that’s just the way it is.

Steven Dutch
Steven Dutch
3 years ago

I’ve been in crowded Third World places on hot days and I think Americans are pathologically neurotic about odor. When I hear someone gripe about how some place “smells” I want to dunk him headfirst in an open sewer so he knows what bad smells are really all about.

But these guys, jeez, I can’t even….

I can only imagine how they’d feel about me having installed a bidet attachment on my toilet. Cost about $40-$50, take half an hour to install, best thing ever. It’s to the point where, if I use a restroom somewhere else, I can’t wait to get home and get really clean.

MissEB47: my folks had a bunch of small dogs and cats. One day we came home to find the living room PAVED with tiny scraps of T.P. They had managed to get the roll through a broken seam in a braided carpet and under the exact center. My mom just howled with laughter.

heartlanddoc
heartlanddoc
3 years ago

And the MGTOWs & incels can’t compete with these men? Why I would have thought that women would be lining up to ride the clean buttcrack carousel that these MRAs had to offer!

SpukiKitty
SpukiKitty
3 years ago

DMW
October 13, 2017 at 9:00 pm

If so, they’re gonna have some problems with medical practices like prostate exams and colonoscopies somewhere on down the line, is all I’m saying.

Oh! That oughta be fun to watch….

DOCTOR: “Okay, Mr. Stevens….*AAAAAAAAUUUUGGGHH!*”

********

And these boobs wonder why they can’t get a gal!

Also; If your butt’s not really clean, you feel itchy! If these posts are real then these guys must have the itchiest bums in the universe and the women need to ditch them!

MissEB47 (Resident Rainbow Lorikeet and Beak Typist)
MissEB47 (Resident Rainbow Lorikeet and Beak Typist)
3 years ago

Steven Dutch

my folks had a bunch of small dogs and cats. One day we came home to find the living room PAVED with tiny scraps of T.P. They had managed to get the roll through a broken seam in a braided carpet and under the exact center. My mom just howled with laughter.

That’s the most adorable thing ever!

Vucodlak
Vucodlak
3 years ago

I’ve always been baffled by toilet seat “jokes.” The lid is always down when the toilet is not in use. Always. Why the fuck would it have a lid, otherwise?

On the not cleaning between the ass cheeks thing… what the fuck? No, seriously, how can people even stand it? Is it just my absurdly sensitive skin that hurts if I don’t thoroughly clean my ass?

Major TMI warning, plus a CONTENT NOTE for MENTION OF TORTURE:
Mind you, it doesn’t really matter how thoroughly I clean my posterior anymore. It doesn’t always stay clean, since I had that little encounter neo-Nazis as a teenager. After they got through with me, both my bum and my penis developed a tendency to leak. Doesn’t seem to matter what I do; I get brown streaks in my (always dark-colored) boxers sometimes, and they always smell of urine.

I suppose incontinence is the technical term for it. Damned embarrassing is what it is. Rather cuts into my dating life. I’m pretty sure my backyard is a horrorshow; it never really healed right, since I refused to let my friends take me to the hospital after the incident. Not looking forward to explaining that to someone, assuming I ever get to that point in a relationship. Ugh.

Sorry for the excessively salty language. It has not been a pleasant day.

Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
3 years ago

@Vucodlak

I’m so sorry to hear about this attack, and the aftermath. You have my best wishes.

LaterSpaceCowboy
LaterSpaceCowboy
3 years ago

Sounds like that 2nd guy was molested. I’ve never heard of someone having that kind of kneejerk reaction to the idea of wiping their butt like that. Only thing I could think of that would make him so averse is either molestation or maybe he was constipated as a kid and had to have enemas or something. Yikes.

Regigiygas
Regigiygas
3 years ago

Words cannot express how much I needed this post tonight. It’s a minor miracle that I’ve been able to stop laughing long enough to type this comment.

MissEB47 (Resident Rainbow Lorikeet and Beak Typist)
MissEB47 (Resident Rainbow Lorikeet and Beak Typist)
3 years ago

Vucodlak-“The lid is always down when the toilet is not in use. Always.”

Agreed. If the lid is not closed, the stuff in the toilet aerosols. That’s where the smell comes from. When the toilet is flushed with the lid up, fine droplets of pissy and pooey water go EVERYWHERE. This is why I never, ever keep anything of mine in the bathroom, not even my toothbrush. I keep everything in my closet. None of my flatmates (all men) put the lid down, it’s disgusting.

PS

I am so sorry to hear what happened to you. I hope you are doing ok. **hugs**

Bina
3 years ago

@Vucodlak:

Holy shit, that’s awful. I hope you’re still able to get treatment for that…and that you’re not afraid to do so.

DerangedDan
DerangedDan
3 years ago

If so, they’re gonna have some problems with medical practices like prostate exams and colonoscopies somewhere on down the line, is all I’m saying.

If these guys are so deep into toxic masculinity that they can’t even wipe their assses, there’s absolutely no way they actually go to the doctor ever.

misophistry
misophistry
3 years ago

I went out with a guy who wouldn’t let me touch his butt. Butt touching was right out as it is weird he said… I’m talking cheeks here not crack. I just wanted something to hang onto.

kupo
kupo
3 years ago

@Vucodlak
I read your post about that on Pharyngula. I couldn’t believe how some of those posters were acting towards you after you shared that. Hugs if you want them. Nazi punches if you want those, too.

SpukiKitty
SpukiKitty
3 years ago

@Vucodlak
comment image
….You need healing fuzz. I’m so sorry about what happened to you.

Vucodlak
Vucodlak
3 years ago

Thanks for the sympathy, all. It was a long time ago (about 15 years), so I’ve mostly made peace with it. I’d actually gotten to the point where I didn’t think about it every day… until a certain thin-skinned sack of syphilis-drippings named Donald Trump started winning primaries.

@ Bina
I’m probably stuck with the urinary incontinence, which I can live with. The other problem will likely require surgery, so I’ve been putting it off.

@ kupo
Thanks! As to the reactions, I’m afraid some people just won’t understand the threat until it’s too late. I take heart from the fact that a few of the posters came around when I and others shared their personal stories. That’s the main reason I keep talking about it.

Shadowplay
Shadowplay
3 years ago

@Vucodlak

I take heart from the fact that a few of the posters came around when I and others shared their personal stories. That’s the main reason I keep talking about it.

You’re a good person. Respect to you.

Pie
Pie
3 years ago

@DMW

If so, they’re gonna have some problems with medical practices like prostate exams and colonoscopies somewhere on down the line, is all I’m saying.

I wonder what percentage of prostate and colon cancer deaths are due to some guys being more afraid of catching the gay than of their own cells deciding to go their own way.

Ed
Ed
3 years ago

@Steven Dutch:

They’d probably call you a globalist elite for owning a bidet.

Sheila Crosby
3 years ago

@Vucodlakcomment image
All the hugs.

I’ve heard this was an extremely common problem in some African countries after a civil war. Lots of male rape victims with injuries and a culture where they couldn’t admit to anyone what had happened, plus a serious shortage of medical services. I think it was Doctors without Boarders who were trying to help, but they were’t even sure how many victims there were.

CN for sexual and emotional abuse
The main topic reminds me of a case I heard about a couple of years ago at (I think) No Longer Quivering. For those of you who aren’t familiar with it, it’s a site for people who’ve left extreme fundamental Christianity. The sort where you don’t even kiss before marriage and then you have to do everything your husband wants, especially sexually. This poor woman’s husband a) had a serious personal hygiene problem b) ,demanded frequent blow jobs and c) refused to even consider changing either one. Divorce wasn’t an option in their church so eventually she went to the church elders. Said elders gently suggested to him that he treat his wife a little better and consider washing before oral sex, and emphatically told her that yes, her husband was rather unreasonable, but she still had to give him the blow jobs regardless of hygiene or she’d most definitely go to a sizzling hot hell.

bluecat
bluecat
3 years ago

Reading aloud to my beloved the post from the guy who thought real men don’t use the seat and he said “Did he just get used to doing it that way in prison?”

Unkind, but he has a point.

ALSO… what the hell happens to these chaps if they get a dodgy prostate? Too macho for health care?

TheKND
TheKND
3 years ago

The intoduction of toilet paper lowered the rate of infection and overall mortality in the developed world.
That is all I can say.

abars01
abars01
3 years ago

Seriously, I’m not even so much disgusted as I am just bewildered. There are actually people out there who… don’t wipe their bottoms, because… it’s… “unmanly”? Like… whaaaaaaaaaaaa…? I mean, I knew there were men out there who’d consider wearing pink or eating salads unmanly, and I can sorta understand why, but… wiping their bottoms? That doesn’t make any sense! Where the hell does this come from?! That’s as arbitrary as proclaiming that buttering one’s toast the right side up is unmanly!

I swear, whether it’s people who genuinely believe that Hillary Clinton is running a child sex slavery ring out of a pizza parlor, or people who refuse to sever the umbilical cords of their newborn babies, or whoever else, sometimes, you just have to wonder what the hell goes on in the minds of some of the people you hear about on the internet. Who are these people? Where did they come from? How did they come to be the way they are? What are they like on a day-to-day, face-to-face basis? I just can’t put myself into their shoes – can’t envision myself as being or becoming such a person myself. It’s like they inhabit a parallel universe which I can never myself access, or something.

Ohlmann
Ohlmann
3 years ago

Thoses guys seriously need help. Of course, the macho attitude also mean they will refuse it regardless. But they could choose random quirks that aren’t, you know, safety hazard.

Makroth - cowboy Jacobin from Hell
Makroth - cowboy Jacobin from Hell
3 years ago

Truth is stranger than satire.

Makroth - cowboy Jacobin from Hell
Makroth - cowboy Jacobin from Hell
3 years ago
Msexceptiontotherule
Msexceptiontotherule
3 years ago

Can’t say it’s true for all the “too macho for a clean butt” guys and their adjacent types of toxic masculinity bros, but if they have it their way, nobody would have healthcare or see a doctor because taaaaaaaxesssss! (Like they’re the only ones who pay them and any minute they’ll become millionaires and billionaires.) They need to have things explained to them as far as what living in society and contributing the funds for roads, emergency services, public schools and all the other stuff that taxes pay for. But “if I can’t have my crappy catastrophic doesn’t cover much and will bankrupt me if I get seriously ill-healthcare plan; I’m going to make sure nobody gets any kind of healthcare unless it’s my elderly parents so I don’t have to take care of them myself” is not the sort of thing they should be proud of declaring to anyone willing to listen.

CLEAN BUTTS ARE NON-STINKY BUTTS. And non-stinky is a good quality* for a butt to possess.

*non-stinky is a quality that is highly desired for all kinds of things, not just butts.

Moggie
Moggie
3 years ago

abars01:

Seriously, I’m not even so much disgusted as I am just bewildered. There are actually people out there who… don’t wipe their bottoms, because… it’s… “unmanly”?

Someone should market toilet paper with a name like “tactical butt maintenance surface”, in a matt black wrapper. Same principle as this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUjh4DE8FZA

Or this:

http://media.gettyimages.com/photos/toilet-paper-made-of-sand-paper-picture-id103586951

Talonknife
Talonknife
3 years ago

Wait a minute, didn’t Roosh complain about having to wipe his own ass once? Hmm…

joekster- (betas bearded)
joekster- (betas bearded)
3 years ago

Here’s what I don’t get: how do these people handle the itch?

Weasel-Rah
Weasel-Rah
3 years ago

Having a chronic case of Ass Chafe might explain some of the never ending saltiness of these dudes. I always wondered why they don’t seem to actually enjoy having the whole world designed to cater to them…

Policy of Madness
Policy of Madness
3 years ago

There’s something on this page directing to image.ibb.co that is making my antivirus object.

Kaitlin
Kaitlin
3 years ago

It’s not often one could say that Roosh is ahead of the times but he was whining about the misandry of butt hygiene years ago.

No, he wasn’t. Why do you always have to lie, just because you don’t like him?

THE_SAMURAI
THE_SAMURAI
3 years ago

Someone shield the children… and give them plenty of toilet paper.

SpukiKitty
SpukiKitty
3 years ago

abars01
October 14, 2017 at 6:10 am

Seriously, I’m not even so much disgusted as I am just bewildered. There are actually people out there who… don’t wipe their bottoms, because… it’s… “unmanly”? Like… whaaaaaaaaaaaa…? I mean, I knew there were men out there who’d consider wearing pink or eating salads unmanly, and I can sorta understand why, but… wiping their bottoms? That doesn’t make any sense! Where the hell does this come from?! That’s as arbitrary as proclaiming that buttering one’s toast the right side up is unmanly!

I swear, whether it’s people who genuinely believe that Hillary Clinton is running a child sex slavery ring out of a pizza parlor, or people who refuse to sever the umbilical cords of their newborn babies, or whoever else, sometimes, you just have to wonder what the hell goes on in the minds of some of the people you hear about on the internet. Who are these people? Where did they come from? How did they come to be the way they are? What are they like on a day-to-day, face-to-face basis? I just can’t put myself into their shoes – can’t envision myself as being or becoming such a person myself. It’s like they inhabit a parallel universe which I can never myself access, or something.

It’s weird. I sometimes wonder if they were always there but underground (only to be revealed due to the internet). As for the butt thing; I guess it’s the “Being dirty & smelly is primal and manly!” thing.

It’s all really stupid.

Shadowplay
Shadowplay
3 years ago

@SpukiKitty

I sometimes wonder if they were always there but underground (only to be revealed due to the internet).

The minging sods have always been there, and more of them than you’d expect. Ask anyone (male, at least) who went through boot camp.

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