By David Futrelle
I thought I’d take a moment this Friday evening to signal-boost a very important tweet from film producer Keith Calder on the subject of dudes so wrapped up in their own supposed machoness that they can’t “poop properly” or, even worse, clean up afterwards.
Here’s the tweet.
https://twitter.com/keithcalder/status/918598272243126272
Let us consider each of the three screenshots in turn.
The first one is almost poignant in its innocence, from a Reddit dude who’s been perching on the toilet rim to poop his whole life because he somehow grew up believing that toilet seats are meant only for girls.
The other two (also from Reddit) are a little more disturbing — and disgusting — partly because they involve massive failures in butt hygiene and partly because they feature posts from women who have apparently been putting up with these massive butt hygiene failures from their dudes for a long time.
Also both of the dudes in question refuse to change their ways.
Brace yourself!
I have a number of questions here, not least: how exactly did the author of this post not realize this unpleasant fact about her angry stinky dude BEFORE THEY GOT MARRIED? I’m not trying to blame the victim here but I simply don’t understand how this would even be possible.
Also I hope she has managed to get this abusive shitstain out of her life.
The next story is similarly puzzling:
YES IT IS YES YES AND AGAIN YES.
I can only hope that at least one of these posts is a troll job, if not all of them, but given what I have learned about my fellow men in my years writing this blog I have to admit that they could very well all be true.
DUDES, WIPE YOUR DAMN ASSES.
H/T — Thanks to @RemingtonWild on Twitter for alerting me to Calder’s tweet
I want to believe these are troll posts but in a world where people don’t regularly throw garbage and stones at Steve Bannon while (if) he walks in the streets I don’t have that much faith.
Satire feels pretty dead these days
No sex or living together before marriage would be my first guess. If the only time you’ve ever seen a dude was when he was fully clothed, it might be hard to tell that his feet stink and his butt crack is full of poop.
On the other hand, I wonder if this is the first time he’s gotten pissed and screamed in her face. 🙁
I’ve encountered this odd school of thought, too. Maybe it’s related to the “only girls fuss over being clean and smelling nice” thing, or the good ol’ homophobic idea “if a guy ever does literally anything to his butt then he’s gay forever.”
If so, they’re gonna have some problems with medical practices like prostate exams and colonoscopies somewhere on down the line, is all I’m saying.
They might be troll posts, but growing up I knew my brother didn’t use toilet paper because often he also wouldn’t flush. In addition he would hide his filthy underwear under his bed so his room smelled awful. He’s married now and I always assumed he cleaned up his ways, but seeing those posts maybe not.
I can’t believe what I just read. Bloody hell that’s some foul stuff. Those poor women! I hope they dumped/divorced them. Noone should put up with that from their significant others. I need some brain bleach. Here are two cats playing with toilet paper.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2cLPmVpaMAk
I think we’ve crossed the line into septic masculinity.
Maybe cats prefer their humans to have really smelly butts, hence the attacks on toilet paper.
Buttercup-LOL! ? We sure have!
I now have a new respect for the gentleman I saw on YouTube who admitted using clippers to trim the hair around his anus, and in his butt crack. When I first saw his video, I thought that was a bit much. Wouldn’t it be sufficient, I reasoned, to simply trim that hair with a pair of scissors?
I guess he must be very hirsute! Apparently, he felt he had to take clippers to that part of his body for hygienic reasons. What if he slipped up with the clippers? Damn, I don’t want to think about it.
I hope at least some of these tweets are trolls. That dude who felt it was unmanly to let anything between his cheeks…I guess that includes a prostate exam. Oh, well, it’s his mortality.
What is this OMG I can’t even.
*Goes and kisses my husband for being who he is*
Did Keith Calder toilet train himself?
Because that’s the only way he would be ignorant of the fact that men sit on the toilet seat to have a BM.
It’s not often one could say that Roosh is ahead of the times but he was whining about the misandry of butt hygiene years ago.
I just do not get why someone would not mind going around with a poopy butt all day.
TMI alert
When I have a mushy poop I sometimes don’t feel like I wiped everything clean on the first go. I always go back to the bathroom and take another pass because that is just the WORST feeling ever. How could anyone live like that every day? I’m kind of a slob and not a germaphobe at all. So when I’m repulsed, it’s probably bad. Not wiping your ass? BAD.
Oops! I now see that Keith Calder does indeed know that men sit on a toilet seat to have a BM. It’s some other guy from back in 2014 who didn’t know that.
My argument still holds: The 2014 guy was not raised by wolves.
My boyfriend also astutely pointed out that toilet bowls are cold, hard, and very wide.
“I’ve tried to instruct him how to butt” just cracked me up in all the wrong ways. Watch your homonyms, people…
And on a how-to-butt note, how DO these guys even make it onto the Internet with their incredible asininity? The fact that they can’t even wipe their own asses…urgh. Even if you can’t spell hygiene, at the very least you should know how to practice it…
Maybe it’s just my irritable bowel syndrome talking, but I know that if my butt’s not sufficiently cleaned up after a bad bout with the runs (I have the D-type of IBS, look it up if you’re so inclined), it feels sore. Poop residue isn’t just stinky and gross, it’s actually painful.
Sorry about the excess info, folks, but(t) that’s just the way it is.
I’ve been in crowded Third World places on hot days and I think Americans are pathologically neurotic about odor. When I hear someone gripe about how some place “smells” I want to dunk him headfirst in an open sewer so he knows what bad smells are really all about.
But these guys, jeez, I can’t even….
I can only imagine how they’d feel about me having installed a bidet attachment on my toilet. Cost about $40-$50, take half an hour to install, best thing ever. It’s to the point where, if I use a restroom somewhere else, I can’t wait to get home and get really clean.
MissEB47: my folks had a bunch of small dogs and cats. One day we came home to find the living room PAVED with tiny scraps of T.P. They had managed to get the roll through a broken seam in a braided carpet and under the exact center. My mom just howled with laughter.
And the MGTOWs & incels can’t compete with these men? Why I would have thought that women would be lining up to ride the clean buttcrack carousel that these MRAs had to offer!
Oh! That oughta be fun to watch….
DOCTOR: “Okay, Mr. Stevens….*AAAAAAAAUUUUGGGHH!*”
********
And these boobs wonder why they can’t get a gal!
Also; If your butt’s not really clean, you feel itchy! If these posts are real then these guys must have the itchiest bums in the universe and the women need to ditch them!
Steven Dutch
That’s the most adorable thing ever!
I’ve always been baffled by toilet seat “jokes.” The lid is always down when the toilet is not in use. Always. Why the fuck would it have a lid, otherwise?
On the not cleaning between the ass cheeks thing… what the fuck? No, seriously, how can people even stand it? Is it just my absurdly sensitive skin that hurts if I don’t thoroughly clean my ass?
Major TMI warning, plus a CONTENT NOTE for MENTION OF TORTURE:
Mind you, it doesn’t really matter how thoroughly I clean my posterior anymore. It doesn’t always stay clean, since I had that little encounter neo-Nazis as a teenager. After they got through with me, both my bum and my penis developed a tendency to leak. Doesn’t seem to matter what I do; I get brown streaks in my (always dark-colored) boxers sometimes, and they always smell of urine.
I suppose incontinence is the technical term for it. Damned embarrassing is what it is. Rather cuts into my dating life. I’m pretty sure my backyard is a horrorshow; it never really healed right, since I refused to let my friends take me to the hospital after the incident. Not looking forward to explaining that to someone, assuming I ever get to that point in a relationship. Ugh.
Sorry for the excessively salty language. It has not been a pleasant day.
@Vucodlak
I’m so sorry to hear about this attack, and the aftermath. You have my best wishes.
Sounds like that 2nd guy was molested. I’ve never heard of someone having that kind of kneejerk reaction to the idea of wiping their butt like that. Only thing I could think of that would make him so averse is either molestation or maybe he was constipated as a kid and had to have enemas or something. Yikes.
Words cannot express how much I needed this post tonight. It’s a minor miracle that I’ve been able to stop laughing long enough to type this comment.
Vucodlak-“The lid is always down when the toilet is not in use. Always.”
Agreed. If the lid is not closed, the stuff in the toilet aerosols. That’s where the smell comes from. When the toilet is flushed with the lid up, fine droplets of pissy and pooey water go EVERYWHERE. This is why I never, ever keep anything of mine in the bathroom, not even my toothbrush. I keep everything in my closet. None of my flatmates (all men) put the lid down, it’s disgusting.
PS
I am so sorry to hear what happened to you. I hope you are doing ok. **hugs**
@Vucodlak:
Holy shit, that’s awful. I hope you’re still able to get treatment for that…and that you’re not afraid to do so.
If these guys are so deep into toxic masculinity that they can’t even wipe their assses, there’s absolutely no way they actually go to the doctor ever.