By David Futrelle
Great headlines — like the New York Post’s legendary page-one shocker, “Headless Body in Topless Bar” — grab the reader’s attention instantly but leave enough unsaid that hapless news junkies feel compelled to click the link or buy the tabloid because they need to know the rest of the story.
Internet garbage site Return of Kings has gotten pretty good at the clickbaity headlines. But one memorable headline on the front page of the site today, while certainly attention grabbing, falls just short of greatness because, well, it’s pretty obvious that the real story can’t possibly live up to whatever story you make up in your own head about it.
This is the headline:
But however much I might cherish the story I came up with in this particular instance — which involves a blonde Ruth Buzzi lookalike hitting a tophatted, velvet-clad PUA with her purse — it’s my job to click on these links so you don’t have to. The good news is that the real story is nearly as good as my imaginary one, if somewhat less dramatic. And by “good” I mean awful.
So it seems that Return of Kings writer William Adams went drinking with his girlfriend and some of his friends one recent evening in Stockholm. Alas, his girlfriend had a little too much of the drink and wanted to return home around midnight. As Adams, who is apparently always right about everything, explains,
I made a quick calculation and decided that the wisest choice was to take the metro, which is located just outside the bar. I know that traffic can get congested, especially where we were at that time, and even short taxi rides are very expensive in Stockholm, where we live. Of course I can afford a taxi ride or twenty but in this case it was the proper decision to not do it, especially after taking travel duration in to consideration.
But she was afraid of throwing up on the train and insisted on taking a cab, even though this was objectively the wrong thing to do.
We did, and as expected it took much longer time and costed me almost the equivalent of 50 US dollars. … Because of construction work we also had to walk about 300 meters to our home, and she was wearing a dress, rubbing her arms a bit to showcase the low outside temperature relative to her choice of clothing.
She then consequently asserted that she wanted to borrow my (stylish) jacket, but I was annoyed and didn’t want to lend it to her in that particular situation.
Naturally, Adams insisted on informing her that he had been right all along about the cab thing. Apparently this required him to yell at her a little bit.
I thought that if she occasionally associates with my male friends, then she should talk to us on more equal terms and not be afraid of some realtalk. So while listening to her complaints I raised my voice and semi-yelled that if she would have listened to me in the first place we would not have to walk outside and would already be home by now.
ENTER ELDERLY SWEDISH WOMAN
WHO TURNS OUT TO NOT ACTUALLY BE ELDERLY EXCEPT MAYBE TO THE SORT OF PEOPLE WHO READ RETURN OF KINGS
Meeting us on the sidewalk, then about 200 meters from home, a middle-aged woman suddenly shows up. She stops next to me and starts yelling directly in my face. Although she looks normal, she unhesitatingly manifests her dislike for my behavior.
And the fight of the century is on!
My girl has started to cry a bit, not atypical behavior for her subspecies. …
The 50-something bitch sees this and engages in another attack, after I have tried to walk past her in an attempt to ignore and move on. She threatens to “wrestle me to the ground” and calls me an “ass hat,” all while standing two inches from me, looking hostile.
The “elderly woman” then ups the ante by not actually trying to wrestle Adams to the ground.
She refrains from doing so but does not listen when I stress that it is neither her nor anyone else’s business, and the entire situation is taken out of context too for that matter.
Presumably the “context” is that he is always right about everything and he was just pointing this out to his freezing girlfriend very loudly.
After that she also starts a lecture on the ABC of Cultural Marxism. She is so tired of white males who use their privilege bla bla bla.
Ah, yes, Cultural Marxism, that totally real thing that normal people bring up all the time while having arguments on the street at 1 AM and that isn’t an antisemitic alt-right conspiracy theory or anything.
A white knight, perhaps a male feminist – although on a bicycle instead of a noble steed – shows up and asks if there is a problem. Well, that is great, I quietly sigh. I try to calm him down and say that the screaming woman is crazy. Luckily for me he hears the bitch calling me an ass hat again and decides to leave. At least there is some level of rationality left among cucked Swedes. Perhaps he reads ROK in his leisure time.
This is really quite the dramatic story! First we have an attack that turns out not to be an attack, by an elderly woman who turns out not to be elderly, and now a white knight who doesn’t actually do any white knighting.
The “conversation” continues for another five to ten minutes …
In other words, thirty seconds.
… and like Gandhi I stoically remain calm. She gabbles her last feminist tenets, hugs my girlfriend, and suggests that she should leave me. Her mission is almost completed. The woman then adds that there is still something good in me and I do not have to be an ass hat. I can change. Then she left.
BOY WHAT A SAVAGE ATTACK HE ENDURED HERE. HE IS TRULY LIKE GANDHI. GIVE THIS BOY A NOBEL PEACE PRIZE.
Amazingly, this experience seems to have taught our hero a few lessons, which he spells out in his conclusion.
If there is anything to learn from this minor debacle it is that non-violence is the only available strategy for a masculine man in many situations where he is confronted. Of course it would be more than pathetic to beat a woman, but many might consider doing it to give someone disrespectful like that a lesson. Think again. In fact, even speech can be considered violence in our current radical left-leaning societies, and to avoid rough talk and a raised voice near women is the way to go.
Wait, so you shouldn’t beat women who annoy you? WHO KNEW. Mind blown.
Oh shit, we moogles left the chocobo pen open again. Sorry about that.
@CheeseChocobo
That you’ve only recently become interested in politics speaks to your privilege (mine too, btw; I was certainly interested in feminism but not much else until recently, and that’s due to my privilege as well). I suggest any time you feel the urge to defend men on here, you sit back and just read. But don’t just skim, really read and try to put yourself in the shoes of the person speaking.
@Unlucky Blackjack
No, you’re not defending them, but you are sympathizing with them. But why? These people are bullies. They feel low, so they have to lash out against others, and especially against people they perceive as either being weaker or *supposed* to be weaker (and therefore needing to be put in their place) rather than doing something positive to lift themselves up or at the very least keeping it to their damn selves. I have no sympathy for them. I was bullied as a child because I was weird, fat, nerdy, and unfeminine. I make a choice not to take that negativity that is now a permanent part of my brain and lash out against others with it. They could make the same choice, but they don’t.
Edit: someone asked for a Brazilian cheese bread recipe? Here you go: https://www.dropbox.com/s/oty78zaimzivy3r/Brazilian%20Cheese%20Bread%20Rolls.pdf?dl=0
It wasn’t me that originally offered, but that recipe is good. 🙂
@FereldanMagister
My best guess would be that he thought he’d scare some woman and feel a little bit better about himself.
But then I think of things in a threat-response way, which is supported by that I don’t have enough faith in men to assume they don’t know any better.
@Kat
You are eloquent and entirely correct. This is really what I think it is. Men don’t catcall women cause they think we’ll fuck them. They catcall us because they want to make us feel threatened.
@Catalpa
You made me laugh. I hope she recognized that you were talking to her dog <3
Also, I have a friend who says pretty much exactly the same thing to every dog she meets. Life goals.
@Buttercup
I tend to be very opinionated about video games while I’m online. And also in the real world. Men get super weird about that. It’s not uncommon for them to ask or really demand a picture of me.
@Violet the Vile
OMG this. I’m part of a Rocky Horror shadowcast, and I’m one of multiple young women who don’t want to be just touched by our castmates. All of us say things like “Don’t touch me without asking”, and it never fails that some dude seems to think that just because I’m wearing fishnets and a miniskirt that I want their creepy-ass hands grabbing my legs. The three of us who’ve really talked about this have collectively agreed to punch first and apologize never next time.
You would not believe, or maybe you would, how hard it was to get through people’s heads “Do not touch me unless you ask first. Always assume you need to ask, unless it’s a part of the show the two of us have rehearsed for a while.”
There was one time I was wearing leggings with hamlet written on them and yes a miniskirt because I like that look and this guy about ten years older than me kept snaking his hands towards my legs and I kept moving them away while participating in the conversation and he just kept trying until the lady hosting our rehearsal noticed him and told him to stop trying to touch me. His defense? That he hadn’t gathered that I was intentionally avoiding his grabby hands.
Hugs if wanted to all y’all, cause dealing with this shit is exhausting.
@CheeseChocobo
Do try this. Most or all of us have very good reasons to dislike, distrust, or otherwise have issues with men. Sometimes I snap at Axe for that reason. But the point is we are far from unique. We have these good reasons for avoiding men because men treat us badly, and they only treat us badly because we’re women.
Possibly not all men, but definitely yes all women.
Wow, what a controlling abuser he is and good on the woman for trying to intervene and lay into him while he was angrily abusing his poor gf (if any of these people are real and not made up like most of the PUA’s stories).
I think the scariest part is he posted this story thinking it made him look good. Like, I blew up and abused my gf because she dared have a different opinion on the route home while she was drunk, because the slightest thing not going according to my whim drives me to a pure rage I nurse for literal days is not the heroic story he thinks it is.
And the fact he trusted his community would see him as the aggrieved party in all of this really hammers home how that community is just the abusers and rapists lobby.
@IgnoreSandra
From one woman who likes leggings with miniskirts to another, that’s horribly familiar.
Schildfreya,
I have a similar “Once upon a time” only I was in a car load of bundled up students in a car with the heat on when we spotted an exchange student buddy walking down the sidewalk in the snow without a coat. We pulled over urgently and offered to get him out of the cold. He laughed and said, “I’m from Saint Petersburg. This isn’t cold.”
@Catalpa
I was walking my dog along the street about a year ago and a random man said to my dog “you’re beautiful”. Given that he is, and I always appreciate people complimenting him (although I’d prefer people noticing he’s friendly, as he has very little control over his looks, whereas his adoration of practically all people is definitely him), I said “thank you”. Whereupon he frowned at me and said “not you, I was talking to the dog”.
A minor thing in the scheme of things, and I was left mainly wondering how he thought Toby and I should have responded. Should Toby have thanked him? Should I have completely ignored him? But, given that he clearly didn’t understand that I understood him the first time, and thought I was taking the compliment for myself, what a mean thing to do to burst that bubble.
One of the reasons I love WHTM is that, when I share this anecdote elsewhere, I get swamped by “he spoke off the top of his head, don’t be mean to the complete stranger who you will never encounter again and who will experience no downside to your meany meanness”. Not here though.
So, Catalpa, hold your head high. Your intentions were pure and, if there was a misunderstanding, you didn’t make it any worse. Plus, as you know, all dog owners enjoy hearing good things about their dog.
One of the nicest compliments anyone paid to my dog was when we were approached by a couple who said their very young daughter was afraid of dogs, however they’d seen Sassy and I playing and thought she looked friendly. So could I introduce Sas to their daughter.
I’m glad to report all went well and it wasn’t long before young miss decided she now wanted a doggie of her own.
Alan, is that Sassy? Pretty!
I have good doges of my own, but I’m coveting that hat!
Dogs in hats is best dogs.
12/10 would pet.
Aww yay. Although to ruin my image a bit, I was terrified that he was going to hit me or something. I was only 19 at the time too. I was so relieved when I closed my front door and he didn’t follow.
@CheeseChocobo
I appreciate you backing up on your “not all men” and taking the time to listen.
Today has been a really difficult day for me and I’m glad that the conversation didn’t turn into a debate.
@ peevee & kupo
Yeah that’s Sas. She’s chasing squirrels in heaven now, but lot of very happy memories of our 16 years of adventures together. 🙂
D’aaaaaw, RIP, Sas.
One of my favorite things to do while out is complimenting dog people on their dogs. Usually a simple “That’s a fine looking dog!”
One time the dog started aggressively barking at me, so I said “You’ve got a loyal protector there!” instead.
@Catalpa
I’d imagine you were using a different tone for complimenting the dog than one would normally use for catcalling women, probably more excited than sleazy, so she might’ve been able to figure it out from that, especially since you didn’t double-down on it.
Does that make sense to anyone else?
(Author’s note: This post contains parody and sarcasm.)
Y’ALL.
The most misandric of hair colors has been invented! The most boner-wilting hair dye out there!
Hair dye that starts as a natural color like blonde or brunette, but changes color into an unnatural color!
Imagine, if you will, walking in the shadows as a man turns his gaze to you, ripe for the harvesting, and then you step out into the sunlight. Your previously blonde locks slowly turn a hideous shade of lime green, and his boner instantly wilts upon the realization that you’re a dreaded SJW (and possibly a witch because your hair literally changed color with the light)!
http://persephonemagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/maleficent-misandry.gif
https://youtu.be/3z45l9vA5Mo
I love color changing things, like my nail polish that changes color in UV light, but that hair color just doesn’t do it for me. Probably because I’d want more control over when it changes.
@Paradoxical
They make hair dye that changes color in sunlight? If so, I’ll take 50.
Your Gay, Elfy, Iron Bull Riding Friend,
The Fereldan Magister
@Paradoxical Intention
Hair color that changes depending on the light level? I WANTS. I WANT ONE THAT’S RED IN DAYLIGHT AND PURPLE WHEN ITS DARK.
@Ignore Sandra
I learned this from other Mammotheers. Sorry, I can’t recall who they were. It was an effin’ epiphany.
@Alan Robertshaw
Aww, Sassy has such a sweet face. I’m glad she had such a good life with a person devoted to her.
@Weatherwax:
I mean, that wasn’t a mistake, although mostly people try to keep their misogynistic power-plays less obvious than that. But he saw an opportunity and took it I guess. Because if one says that to a strange dog one is looking at the dog, and no dog-owner would be confused there.
@Alan:
[Dog picture excised]
One of the reasons I love dogs is how ridiculously happy well-trained dogs get about being a good dog. That’s a good dog.
50 something Swedish woman my ass. I am guessing late twenties to early to mid thirties – the age range that most these PUA types consider “old” by their twisted metric. I don’t know how it works with women but as a guy I was attracted to horrible guys in my late teens and early twenties. I was still figuring myself out. These PUA types are proud of being able to attract (fool) people in this age range into liking them. That is like being proud that one of your sixteen-year-old daughters/sons friends has a crush on you.
Also, how blind to your own failings do you have to be to gloat about how many taxi rides you can afford and how stylish your jackets are in a post and not feel some level of ironic shame?
Men don’t catcall women cause they think we’ll fuck them. They catcall us because they want to make us feel threatened.
I think it is a stretch to say these sorts of men want to make you feel anything at all – your feelings never even enter into their thoughts. These are the sorts of guys that approach women like puzzle boxes to be solved and conquered. You know the types. The ones who will bemoan on the internet when women – being sentient – recognize this approach for being dehumanizing and react poorly to it. You are a resource for sex. A lock box in a video game to be picked and looted by those with the right skills to do it.
It is never phrased like this. Normally it is a variation of “…but I’m a nice guy.” which roughly translates to “I am a guy who attempted the ‘nice’ approach to this particular lock box and it didn’t work”
I’m 49, a cishet woman, overweight but less so by about 120 pounds. I really can’t say I’ve had any creepy or truly awful brushes with men, and this is as a solo world traveler… 26 countries so far, and counting.
Mind you, I’ve had a few weird encounters, a few snide remarks, obviously, living with a female body. It was way worse when I was over 400 pounds. However, that said, I got used to the freedom of invisibility. Now that the weight is coming off, I am older… so I hope I’m still invisible. I want to stay invisible; it’s comforting, and it’s just damn useful.
I don’t know about anyone else, but I for one get REALLY FUCKING MOUTHY and aggressive. Obviously YMMV, but this works for me. Absolutely no one is ever allowed to touch me, and I will scream, yell, kick, bite, etc. to keep my personal space intact, because my comfort and safety are a lot more important than making nice.
Also, I deliberately try to stay oblivious. Not zoned out, I’m aware of my surroundings, but I zone out/stay oblivious to men’s eyes. Look all you want, don’t touch, don’t comment unless you want some serious attitude. In return, I’ll politely ignore you and studiously not tune in to whether you are interested in me, and just mind my own business and be on my way.
I’m a widow now; I was married twice (divorced in 20s), so I’ve also had a lifetime of keeping my eyes and energy to myself, and not looking available. Now that I’m a widow, I find that this is still valuable. I don’t want to look available; I don’t want to look like I need or want company. I just want to be left and let alone to do what I want to do when I’m out in public, unmolested, unbothered, unharassed. Not talked *at*.
All this to say that I may look like a playful otter, but I can also be a badger with fangs and claws. I just won’t let fear of idiots keep me indoors and afraid. There’s a big world out there, and I intend to keep exploring, creeps be damned.
Thanks for the replies/reassurance, Blackjack, Sandra, Weatherwax, and Amnesia. It was an awkward encounter at the time, but it does make for an amusing little anecdote. Sure would be nice if we lived in a world where the only unsolicited comments were compliments of people’s pets… (And that the compliment-givers didn’t use it as a springboard to try to tear someone down- sorry you had to deal with an ass, weatherwax.)
My tone of voice at the time was probably pretty close to that Steve Irwin-y “cor, look at that beaut!” kind of admiration/condescension deal. So, not really sleazy or threatening, but I have come across some (fairly rare) catcalls of a similar tone– those “aw look, she thinks she’s people!” breed of comments.
I think it’s likely that my compliment of the dog was understood as such, but I’ll never know for sure. I have since learned to restrict verbal compliments of dogs to situations where there is no ambiguity, so that’s good.
@Zack
This. It’s an assertion of power/ownership – they don’t even think about how it makes us feel, because our feelings are only important in relation to them and in fact our feelings have to be minimised because if you saw us as people you wouldn’t do what you do.
I often think this about the guy who sexually assaulted me. He tells himself lies; he has to, because if he ever truly, empathetically understands what he did his entire personality will fall apart. Can’t have that! So lies. Abusers lie and minimise to themselves as well, and it’s one of the reasons they get so angry when challenged; you aren’t just challenging an opinion but the foundations of their entire personality. For people like that, self-awareness is to be avoided at all costs.
I don’t think people who catcall have the self-awareness to know they are intimidating. They do it to make their mark, the same way dogs wee on lamp posts.