By David Futrelle
Great headlines — like the New York Post’s legendary page-one shocker, “Headless Body in Topless Bar” — grab the reader’s attention instantly but leave enough unsaid that hapless news junkies feel compelled to click the link or buy the tabloid because they need to know the rest of the story.
Internet garbage site Return of Kings has gotten pretty good at the clickbaity headlines. But one memorable headline on the front page of the site today, while certainly attention grabbing, falls just short of greatness because, well, it’s pretty obvious that the real story can’t possibly live up to whatever story you make up in your own head about it.
This is the headline:
But however much I might cherish the story I came up with in this particular instance — which involves a blonde Ruth Buzzi lookalike hitting a tophatted, velvet-clad PUA with her purse — it’s my job to click on these links so you don’t have to. The good news is that the real story is nearly as good as my imaginary one, if somewhat less dramatic. And by “good” I mean awful.
So it seems that Return of Kings writer William Adams went drinking with his girlfriend and some of his friends one recent evening in Stockholm. Alas, his girlfriend had a little too much of the drink and wanted to return home around midnight. As Adams, who is apparently always right about everything, explains,
I made a quick calculation and decided that the wisest choice was to take the metro, which is located just outside the bar. I know that traffic can get congested, especially where we were at that time, and even short taxi rides are very expensive in Stockholm, where we live. Of course I can afford a taxi ride or twenty but in this case it was the proper decision to not do it, especially after taking travel duration in to consideration.
But she was afraid of throwing up on the train and insisted on taking a cab, even though this was objectively the wrong thing to do.
We did, and as expected it took much longer time and costed me almost the equivalent of 50 US dollars. … Because of construction work we also had to walk about 300 meters to our home, and she was wearing a dress, rubbing her arms a bit to showcase the low outside temperature relative to her choice of clothing.
She then consequently asserted that she wanted to borrow my (stylish) jacket, but I was annoyed and didn’t want to lend it to her in that particular situation.
Naturally, Adams insisted on informing her that he had been right all along about the cab thing. Apparently this required him to yell at her a little bit.
I thought that if she occasionally associates with my male friends, then she should talk to us on more equal terms and not be afraid of some realtalk. So while listening to her complaints I raised my voice and semi-yelled that if she would have listened to me in the first place we would not have to walk outside and would already be home by now.
ENTER ELDERLY SWEDISH WOMAN
WHO TURNS OUT TO NOT ACTUALLY BE ELDERLY EXCEPT MAYBE TO THE SORT OF PEOPLE WHO READ RETURN OF KINGS
Meeting us on the sidewalk, then about 200 meters from home, a middle-aged woman suddenly shows up. She stops next to me and starts yelling directly in my face. Although she looks normal, she unhesitatingly manifests her dislike for my behavior.
And the fight of the century is on!
My girl has started to cry a bit, not atypical behavior for her subspecies. …
The 50-something bitch sees this and engages in another attack, after I have tried to walk past her in an attempt to ignore and move on. She threatens to “wrestle me to the ground” and calls me an “ass hat,” all while standing two inches from me, looking hostile.
The “elderly woman” then ups the ante by not actually trying to wrestle Adams to the ground.
She refrains from doing so but does not listen when I stress that it is neither her nor anyone else’s business, and the entire situation is taken out of context too for that matter.
Presumably the “context” is that he is always right about everything and he was just pointing this out to his freezing girlfriend very loudly.
After that she also starts a lecture on the ABC of Cultural Marxism. She is so tired of white males who use their privilege bla bla bla.
Ah, yes, Cultural Marxism, that totally real thing that normal people bring up all the time while having arguments on the street at 1 AM and that isn’t an antisemitic alt-right conspiracy theory or anything.
A white knight, perhaps a male feminist – although on a bicycle instead of a noble steed – shows up and asks if there is a problem. Well, that is great, I quietly sigh. I try to calm him down and say that the screaming woman is crazy. Luckily for me he hears the bitch calling me an ass hat again and decides to leave. At least there is some level of rationality left among cucked Swedes. Perhaps he reads ROK in his leisure time.
This is really quite the dramatic story! First we have an attack that turns out not to be an attack, by an elderly woman who turns out not to be elderly, and now a white knight who doesn’t actually do any white knighting.
The “conversation” continues for another five to ten minutes …
In other words, thirty seconds.
… and like Gandhi I stoically remain calm. She gabbles her last feminist tenets, hugs my girlfriend, and suggests that she should leave me. Her mission is almost completed. The woman then adds that there is still something good in me and I do not have to be an ass hat. I can change. Then she left.
BOY WHAT A SAVAGE ATTACK HE ENDURED HERE. HE IS TRULY LIKE GANDHI. GIVE THIS BOY A NOBEL PEACE PRIZE.
Amazingly, this experience seems to have taught our hero a few lessons, which he spells out in his conclusion.
If there is anything to learn from this minor debacle it is that non-violence is the only available strategy for a masculine man in many situations where he is confronted. Of course it would be more than pathetic to beat a woman, but many might consider doing it to give someone disrespectful like that a lesson. Think again. In fact, even speech can be considered violence in our current radical left-leaning societies, and to avoid rough talk and a raised voice near women is the way to go.
Wait, so you shouldn’t beat women who annoy you? WHO KNEW. Mind blown.
@ vicky p
Yey, that’s so cool!
You and cleverforagirl should form a club 🙂
@ Alan
Thanks! Still getting used to the change. I forget my hair is now blue unless I see my reflection or some hair falls into my face.
cleverforagirl, what shall we call our new club?
Here would be my version of the story.
I was with my friends and my girlfriend got drunk. It got me pissed.
She wanted to leave early. It got me pissed because I wanted to stay.
She insisted on taking a cab because she felt sick. It got me pissed because they are pricey and I am cheap.
We had to walk in the cold and it got me pissed. I didn’t wanted to give her my jacket.
Since I was pissed I was extremely rude to him and I got yelled at for it and I was very much humiliated and affraid.
I posted my story in an stern and commanding light on a website dedicated to men who fantasm a lot about their own importance and qualities
Victorious, prety pretty pretty!
There’s a lesson here, son, and the lesson is that if you will make scenes in public, you’re going to attract the kind of people who are fascinated by scenes, and those aren’t guaranteed to be the most placid and tranquil of souls. So take a hint, and cut it out. This time you were lucky; you were only embarrassed; things could have been much, much worse.
I’m sorry that no older man has ever given you this simple tip. I’m chagrined that I have to be the one to do it (when it’s not my job) but, having undertaken the errand, I feel compelled to round it off by assuring you that what I’ve just told you is true, and that it will remain true no matter what your buddies say.
Thanks for your time, and stay safe.
Once upon a time I and some others in the lab were playing host to a lab member from India who was visiting for some conferences. It was a lovely time. It was late September, and the second conference was in the mountains around Banff. Harvest coming in for the drive there, falling leaves were green and gold, mountains were tall and the sunrises were gorgeous autumn spectacles, with the sky melting from purple to pink to blazing red and orange from the chaff in the air. (We have some stunning scenery in Alberta, I tell you what)
It was also late September, and she’s from Chennai. We were standing out of the hotel in the city, getting ready to leave to the conference – loading up the rental van and waiting for the last peeps to come down. It’s not a warm day but it’s not bad, but one of us notices that she’s shivering, and pale. And of course she’s not saying a peep. I feel so guilty thinking about it! She comes from the tropics and here we are, bumbling Canadians, oblivious to the fact that all of her clothes are designed to let heat through and not keep it in.
The poor thing was immediately plied with a toque and probably three jackets, and we got her into the warmth right quick. ‘Cause when you care about someone – even just a co-worker – you don’t want them to freeze in the cold.
I hope that his girlfriend leaves him, if she isn’t entirely imaginary of course.
and that’s my story! Vicky P, I love your hair!
She probably realised that this guy is a waste of her time and felt regret for making such horrible mistake.
This story sounds made up, but, if it’s not, I have to congratulate the elderly swedish lady for standing up for what’s right. I guess you could say she was putting the author of the article in his place. Also, I hope his girlfriend dumps him soon.
Thanks, PeeVee and Scildfreja! I won’t keep it blue, but it’s fun while it lasts.
Yay! Blue hair!
And damn, that is a sad story about Danuta. She’s still my hero for what she did, regardless.
I think he has ticked every box in the ‘how to be a massive wanker’ list.
And seeing as how this is not even a true story (SO many obvious embellishments) that is quite a feat.
Before even reading the story I was incredibly depressed at the thought a RoK writer has a girlfriend.
Jesus H Christ…
Thanks, Bina!
BTW, in that photo, you can’t tell that I’m wearing a Hufflepuff t-shirt. Don’t call me Nymphadora. Tonks will do.
@Vicky
It’s like the ocean at night ?
Eeeeeee vic I love the hair!!!!
(Sadly I am a brunette again, I cut everything 2″ all over so I could have a twa)
I don’t see anyone else noticing the most interesting bit of information in this piece – that 50-something Swedish women are prone to using the term “asshat.” And here I thought that was a thing for internet-savvy millenials.
@Victorious Parasol
What a lovely shade of blue.?
@Redsilkphoenix
That was my question too. Even if the cab couldn’t drop them at the door, it would almost certainly get them closer than the train.
@Victorious Parasol
That’s gorgeous! I’m a bit jealous. My hair does not take blue dye well.
@Victorious Parasol
I love your hair, it’s so pretty! I’m thinking of dying mine.
The fact he claims the woman who intervened called him an ass hat makes me think his story is largely if not entirely fictional. Why would a Swedish woman use the very North American English term ass hat?
I’ve eaten Swiss cheese with fewer holes than this story.
Makes me wonder what tales the trolls who come here tell their trollbros after they’ve fled or been banhammered.
Okay, this bit pisses me off as a person and as a writer. Rubbing your arms because you’re cold is not “showcas[ing] the low outside temperature relative to [your] choice of clothing.” Sure, you could be deliberately pointing out how cold it is by rubbing your arms, but that doesn’t mean you’re making a comparison between a) the cold and b) your clothes. I think it was meant as a snooty way of saying “she wasn’t dressed for the cold”, but it’s still stupidly convoluted.
Plus, if anything like this really happened, I hope his girlfriend dumps him. Hell, even the oozing condescension in that quote is a red flag. And usually strangers don’t intervene in people’s arguments, so she must have been visibly upset and/or he was yelling loudly and acting threatening.
ETA: @Victorious Parasol, I like your hair! Though I didn’t even notice it was blue until someone mentioned it. Shows how observant I am. 🙂
Oh yes the story is entirely bullshit but I often wonder why men like those who write for RoK, want girlfriends. Like why?!
Problems with this guy’s story:
1.
Generally, people who are in relationships close enough to live together interact with each other’s friends. The fact that he considers this to be special license to be, at best, blunter than usual says volumes about his relationship history. Also, the fact that he says she should “not be afraid” of what he considers to be blunt honesty tells us that he fully expects her to not like it but thinks she should be able to accept it since she has previously crossed into what he considers manspace when she “occasionally associates” with his male friends.
2.
People do not listen and yell at the same time. He may have registered that she was complaining, but I seriously doubt he heard what any of those complaints were.
3.
Okay, so somehow taking a taxi necessitates being dropped off 300m from your house due to construction, but taking the metro would result in being picked up right outside the bar and dropped off basically at your doorstep? Yeah, no. Okay, maybe construction did stop them 300m from the house, but I seriously doubt there was construction in a 300m radius ring all the way around their house–especially since construction is usually very careful not to block access to an active metro station. Far more likely, the taxi was driving them home when they ran into the construction and he insisted on getting out right there rather than add to the fare by going around. Which would mean that none of them knew of the construction or they’d have taken a different route, and getting out and walking 300m was his decision, not his girlfriend’s, despite him considering the situation to be her fault.
4.
Geez, what a charmer. Completely ignoring the part about “subspecies,” we have the part where he considers crying women to be a common sight, meaning either he doesn’t really register or care about female emotional reactions and just remembers a lot of crying, or he causes women to cry a lot.
5. “
This part is actually pretty funny, not to mention loaded. Despite dismissing the man as a “white knight” (despite no actual white-knighting taking place), he then attempts to engage and persuade the man, ignoring the far angrier and, in his words, “attacking” woman, and when the man leaves assumes he’s brought the man to see (his version of) reason. Firstly, if the woman was actually attacking or menacing him, he shows a remarkable lack of self-preservation by ignoring her in favor of loudly trying to persuade another man that she’s crazy. Secondly, the other man’s reaction sounds far less driven by a realization that the author is in the right and more like he decided to leave because either 1) he initially came over because he thought the man might be in danger, but after a brief interaction decided the man really was an “ass hat” he wanted nothing to do with defending, or 2) he initially came over because he thought one or both of the women might be in danger, but quickly realized the older woman was more than a match for him. Possibly both.
6.
Yeah, I’m really not fearing this vicious attack granny. His girlfriend was cold and crying; body language for “cold” is almost indistinguishable from defensive fear, so I would praise that woman for coming over to check out the situation even if she was mistaken and overreacting. She never actually attacked him, was non-threatening enough for him to ignore her while talking to a bystander, and ended her “attack” by trying to comfort and encourage his girlfriend then telling him he can be better. He says he was being “like Gandhi”, but her response doesn’t suggest he was exactly trying to defuse the situation. If he even tried telling her she was mistaken and they’d just had a fight, she might not have believed him (I’m not sure I would), but most people would try to calm down and engage the girlfriend–ranting and yelling for 5 minutes is hard work, and it’s almost impossible to keep it up without active encouragement. So if he’s not exaggerating the screaming, he’s leaving out his half of it.
7.
If he’s considering “don’t beat women” to be a learnable lesson, then he doesn’t really believe in it. Along with his other comments that basically suggest he’s expecting praise for not physically attacking anyone, this means he’s definitely thinking about it–just in the way other people think about “don’t try to defend yourself to the cops before your lawyer arrives” and “don’t yell at someone else’s bratty, destructive child” – things you want to do but refrain from doing, not because they are wrong but because they might have unintended consequences. He’s very proud of himself for not assaulting any women, and that might be enough to keep him from doing it. Or one day, he might decide to say “screw the consequences, I’m going to do what I think is right”–and beat a woman who he feels meets the low bar of “attacking” him.
8. Finally, the simple fact that his girlfriend entirely disappears from the story after the “elderly woman” approaches them, aside from the one point where the woman hugs her. It sounds like he completely forgot about his cold, nauseated (remember, she was afraid she’d throw up on the metro) girlfriend, and never did lend her a (stylish) coat, as she shivered while he argued with the older woman for, according to him, upwards of five minutes.
They’re such bad writers.
I’m also wondering if this was supposed to have taken place recently because it is summer. A quick Google says the average low in Stockholm in August is 13 Celsius/55.4 Fahrenheit. Okay, different people react to temps differently, but for someone used to a northern climate, that probably wouldn’t be shivering and miserably cold type weather unless it was rainy or extremely windy. More like sort of chilly type weather.