By David Futrelle
Our old friend Heartiste, the Nazoid pickup artist with the penchant for overwrought prose, has penned a short paean to the alleged joys of “going commando” — that is, not wearing underwear. It is … something.
Here’s my favorite passage, by which I mean the part of the post that nearly caused me to lose my lunch, on how much fun it is to pester women in nightclubs sans undies.
There’s nothing quite like the exhilaration of approaching and chatting up a hot chick while unbeknownst to her your half-chubbed meat sniffs around her twat trench through one precarious layer of fabric stretched to its absolute restraining limit.
Eww.
Heartiste (real name James Weidmann) apparently also likes it when his balls fall out of his shorts. At least I think that’s what he’s saying here. Heartiste is such a terrible writer it’s a bit hard to tell.
Bonus exhilaration if you’re wearing loose-fitting shorts in a Miami den of iniquity, and an insolent spheroid squeezes past a sentinel seam.
And now I’ve ruined lunch for everyone, I guess.
I’ve never bothered to read the comments section on a CH post, but for S&Gs, I did that one and was a bit awed at the absurdity. I expected dick jokes, bitch hate, one-upmanship… but, no?
It was all multi stanza, rhyming, crass poetry – LOTS of it, complete with critiquing and weird poetry self promotion – interspersed with weird alt-right screed crap. A few “I’ve been at CH longer than you!”s peppered through the mix.
Very confused.
It still amazes me that Heartiste uses so flowery, superfluous words just to say he’s an unrepentant douchebag.
@Jojo Mojo:
It probably was Newt Gingrich. It can be so easy to get the right-wing blowhards mixed up. (Though Gingrich was actually in office while Limbaugh was just poisoning the public well of conversation via radio.)
Dave is a better man than I am Gunga Din. This post gave me the giggles for 10 minutes. But I wouldn’t go to that site for more. Holy crap though, who writes like that? I’ve got to admit it comes off as original or fresh, but the horror genre has been lackluster lately.
Somehow “Freeballing” morphed into Tom Petty’s Free Falling. Soundtrack could be helpful to distract from nausea. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lWJXDG2i0A
This guy also likes to have his balls hanging out. Except he does it for comedy.
The only way she wouldn’t notice an erection through your clothing, Heartiste, is if it were absolutely microscopic.
@David
I dunno, fam, maybe we should avoid that kinda talk. Generally considered rather uncool. Cool?
That’s an extremely involved meditation on male genitalia from an ostensibly straight man. I’ll leave it at that.
I’m HOWLING with laughter!! Oh my god! HAHAHAHAHAHA
Dormousing_it, I get what you’re trying to do. At least I think so–were you making fun of Heartiste in a way that would tick him off, by implying he has hidden gay inclinations, which may infuriate him, as opposed to calling him a regressive misogynist or whatever, which he certainly wouldn’t mind? Sorry if I’ve misinterpreted you or made a bad assumption somewhere.
Anyway, I take issue with your mocking him for having written so floridly about his penis/penises in general, stopping just short of explicitly calling him gay for having done so, regardless of your intention in doing so. Calling somebody gay with the intention of the recipient taking it as an insult, even if you don’t feel that way, can still reinforce the negative implication of being gay. Even if only people predisposed to homophobia take it at face value, seeing it could well reinforce their views. People see what they want to see, basically.
I hope this wasn’t too overwrought. As I said at the start, I didn’t take your joke seriously, I don’t think you think being gay is worthy of mockery, etc. I just it’s risky relying on every person who sees your post detecting that you don’t really think being gay is bad. We all know how terrible MRAs, MGTOWs, etc are at detecting jokes and irony.
Having someone like Heartiste speak the English language somehow devalues the whole thing.
David picked the creepiest part, but not (I think) the most ridiculous:
What’s if they think the “secret knowledge” is the Unified Field Theory, the location of the Holy Grail, or how to prevent laundry from getting fuzzy? And then they discover it’s just that he’s not wearing underpants? Seems a bit of a let-down to me.
Also, “scandalize wilting flowers”? If you want to mix your metaphors, mix ’em better.
But, what about if you wear TWO pair underwear? That’s still “secret knowledge”.
Unless the woman he’s referring to is completely naked, l see Heartiste’s math skills rival his writing skills.
@Molloy, Moran, Malone
No, I don’t think being gay is worthy of mockery, or is anything to be ashamed of. I was thinking along the lines of your first paragraph…Heartiste would consider it an insult.
You’re right, many people might misconstrue it. Right after I posted it, I had misgivings, but it was too late.
Sorry to anyone I might have offended. It wasn’t intentional.
I’ve wondered about some manosphere types, if they aren’t repressing homosexual urges. They do seem to fetishize a stereotypical he-man masculinity. I don’t think most of them have the character, courage, or self-awareness to acknowledge that they experience homosexual yearnings.
It’s after 2 AM here, I’m becoming incoherent. Goodnight/good morning to all.
I’m reminded by a quote from one of my favorite books. It applied to writing sex scenes, but I think you can see why it applies here:
“Giving a reader a sex scene that is only half right is like giving her half of a kitten. It is not half as cute as a whole kitten; it is a bloody, godawful mess.”
@ unucky blackjack
You familiar with Garth Marenghi? 🙂
@Dormousing_it: No need to apologize, at least in my book; I knew you meant nothing by it, and totally get why you said it in the first place. These jackasses are well worth mockery; they’re so overblown and obsessed with their warped, toxic conception of masculinity that a saint would be tempted to poke a hole and watch them deflate, and you and I both know that the best way to do that is to turn their own fucked-up framework against them.
I seriously wasn’t trying to scold you or anything, I just wanted to communicate why, in my opinion, at least, it’s not a great idea to do so, tempting as it may sometimes be. Hope all that is/was clear. Enjoy your rest.
“insolent spheroid”
Omg I am actually crying with laughter. Every time I read anything by Heartiste it feels like he ate too many thesauruses and did a sick. If you are reading this, Heartiste, you are a HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE WRITER. So syllable. Much dictionary. Wow
Also, do you know, half of this seems to be about getting off on the fact women don’t know you forgot your boxers and would be scandalised. Which is a) creepily close to lack of consent and b) untrue, because who gives a crap whether people are wearing underwear or not? We’re all naked under our clothes, one layer more or less makes no difference.
Off-topic:
Carl “Sargon of Akkad” Benjamin sued for infinity dollars for uploading someone else’s content as his own.
Leonard French, commenting on it, says that it may be difficult for Benjamin to claim that this is not a copyright violation.
Internet free speech warriors melting down in 3, 2, 1…
MMM:
Phase 1: Eschew underpants
Phase 2: ?
Phase 3: Profit!
OT: brain bleach for anyone disturbed by thoughts of those spheroids:
https://twitter.com/sarperduman/status/899554884479066112
@Alan
Zomg! If Heartiste was a horror writer, he would definitely be Garth Marenghi
Moggie: That’s seriously one of the cutest cat videos I’ve ever seen, which is saying something, because my partner and I have a ritual where we both accumulate as many cute pics/gifs/etc throughout the day. Then, when we’re when laying in bed at the end of the day, show them all to each other. First her, then me. It started as a thing intended to help buoy my spirits when I was in was in truly dire straits, and it worked well enough that it quickly evolved into a sort of mutual daily self-care exercise.
The point of all this is that I’m going to have a silver bullet tonight thanks to you. Much appreciated.
@Dormousing_it:
Implying closeted homosexuality is frowned upon. People aren’t homophobic because they’re repressing homosexual tendencies.
@dslucia:
I apologized after someone called me out on it.
I don’t know about your second sentence. I’ll let it go, because I’m straight and I can’t speak with any authority on the topic; also because I hate arguing, and I’m lousy at it. ?