By David Futrelle
Our old friend Heartiste, the Nazoid pickup artist with the penchant for overwrought prose, has penned a short paean to the alleged joys of “going commando” — that is, not wearing underwear. It is … something.
Here’s my favorite passage, by which I mean the part of the post that nearly caused me to lose my lunch, on how much fun it is to pester women in nightclubs sans undies.
There’s nothing quite like the exhilaration of approaching and chatting up a hot chick while unbeknownst to her your half-chubbed meat sniffs around her twat trench through one precarious layer of fabric stretched to its absolute restraining limit.
Eww.
Heartiste (real name James Weidmann) apparently also likes it when his balls fall out of his shorts. At least I think that’s what he’s saying here. Heartiste is such a terrible writer it’s a bit hard to tell.
Bonus exhilaration if you’re wearing loose-fitting shorts in a Miami den of iniquity, and an insolent spheroid squeezes past a sentinel seam.
And now I’ve ruined lunch for everyone, I guess.
I don’t see how this is exponentially so much worse than having two layers of fabric between Heartiste’s yarbles and an unsuspecting world. Nothing short of a hundred yards of lead and a circle of rabid coyotes would make me feel safely distant from Heartiste’s yarbles. Underwear seems laughably inadequate.
Even Heartiste’s own pants have a restraining order against him.
Oops, the editor thingy ran out. Apologies for repetition of “yarbles” up above. I’m feeling uncreative today.
As long as we’re on the topic:
Is this Heartiste-speak for “One of my testicles recently descended”? It’s so hard to tell with his writing.
I’m also wondering why his pants are so thin that he might bust out of them. Is he wearing old threadbare leggings to the club or something?
@ JS
What? It didn’t translate…?
It’s “Phoenetikspeak”… translates as “not all men… most, but not all”… a semi-sarcastic way of saying… “Why are men?? … just… WHY???”
ETA: forgive me if I’m not being clear, I’m really frustrated n depressed, there’s so much about the current times I just can’t comprehend… I feel like I slipped into a parallel universe
I’d like Heartiste to learn a bit more about restraining limits.
When men wear skimpy clothes, it’s ’cause they’re manly men who are proud of their bulky bulk and they want to show off. And that’s good.
When women wear skimpy clothes, it’s cause they’re microprostitutes and want to oppress men with their butts. And that’s bad.
Oops, double post
@Weird Eddy
We’ll get through this some day. Hang in there.
I was attempting to be funny with the google translate bit 🙂 I understood it, but all-powerful all-knowing google had no clue.
Heartasteless fails at writing once again.
All of the nopes! The testes he so purpleprosey describes as spheroids do not like being squeezed in any way. Just reading that sentence made me cringe!
Is it horrible of me to hope he one day experiences testicular torsion?
Eh, Up Your Arsenal was better ?
He’s a metaphorical pig, and his penis is a literal one
Ya know you can wear looser pants, right? Not good to have everything smushed up like that. You’re gonna damage your spheroids this way. Just looking out for you
@JS
The asymmetry of it, I’m shook…
OT: Here comes the Harvey rain.
@Axe
Just picture it as two cats, walking side-by-side from behind, and all you can see are their tails and, well…
@Gussie Jives:
I think it was Rush Limbaugh that I first heard described as ‘a stupid person’s idea of what a smart person sounds like’.
There’s a lot of that sort of writing around. Including a lot of the 90% that doesn’t make it past Sturgeon’s Law.
Nope ,That was way to pathetic to cause me any loss of appetite . Heartiste is going to have to try a lot harder then that.
⸮o⸭o?
|_/^\_|
\–/\–/
Rorschach ASCII Blot Test.
@kupo
Ha! But does that mean the upside down question marks are upside down cats? Getting tummy rubs no doubt. That’s cute. Unshook, thanks 🙂
@JS
The 4th monkey: plan some evil. Equally cute 😀
@Vicki and the Gulf Coast Crew
Hope everyone’s alright so far. Stay safe out there!
Ugh, just . . .
No, I will *not* let this ruin pulled pork mac n cheese.
I wonder how these guys would feel about my fat jiggly self being braless.
“Na dahl men” makes me hungry again, thanks Eddie!
(Can’t find lentils in Iqaluit, just split peas, which is not quite the same. And rice is crazy expensive — like 5x the normal price. I don’t get it.)
Harvey seems intense. I wouldn’t want to experience it in tents.
So far, so good. Mr. Parasol picked up supplies this morning while l was working. We’ve had one wave of wind and rain that has now mostly stopped. We’re far enough inland that we are more worried about savage T-storms than proper hurricane stuff, but savage T-storms can be, well, savage.
Decency laws are an attempt of the beta male gynocracy of putting the real men down!
@Jenora
IIRC Jon Stewart said that towards Newt Gingrich (which compared to Rush limbo is just the same difference)
Good luck Vicky P! Stay safe and dry as much as you can.
Yikes. What is with these guys’ needs to involve the public in their every personal action/decision as if it’s some kind of revelation?
I mean really, what is there to glean from Heartiste saying “not wearing underwear and interacting with women who don’t know is personally thrilling to me”. Okay. Yes. I mean, in my book, it’s not okay to involve people in your kinks without their knowledge and consent, although granted, this is probably going to be seen my most as a minor form of doing so. But even if we set that little issue aside, what is he…I don’t know, even trying to accomplish here? Aside from informing his adoring fans of his leanings towards exhibitionism, I mean? Is he so convinced of his alpha-ness that simply by not wearing underoos, he’s exerting some kind of control over these women? Does he believe that by getting his followers to eschew their own, some kind of net gain will be made for their “movement”? Why are his testicles spheroid? Does he think that writing in overwrought prose makes him seem smart? Convincing? Funny? If so, I’m afraid that I’ve got some bad news…
Also, looking at his post, I just noticed that he said (TW: rape) “When you’re strutting through public throngs(…) with only a character-building starchy denim preventing your cock from raping the world…”. Is that really how he feels? That the physical barriers are what’s keeping his cock (as if it’s an autonomous being over which he has limited control) from overpowering him and committing rape? Presumably, the wangs of other men (not to mention women) are similarly independent from their own owners (stewards?) in this theory, although maybe in this theory only the alpha wangs are powerful enough to require physical barriers to keep them from wresting control from their humans or something.
Does he think so little of men, that their underwear and pants are literally all that’s keeping any significant number of them from a frenzy of rape? If so, why advocate shedding one of those layers?