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alt-right creepy eww heartiste

Rancid pickup artist celebrates “free-balling.” You may lose your lunch

Literally the only circumstance in which I want to hear about “going commando.”

By David Futrelle

Our old friend Heartiste, the Nazoid pickup artist with the penchant for overwrought prose, has penned a short paean to the alleged joys of “going commando” — that is, not wearing underwear. It is … something.

Here’s my favorite passage, by which I mean the part of the post that nearly caused me to lose my lunch, on how much fun it is to pester women in nightclubs sans undies.

There’s nothing quite like the exhilaration of approaching and chatting up a hot chick while unbeknownst to her your half-chubbed meat sniffs around her twat trench through one precarious layer of fabric stretched to its absolute restraining limit.

Eww.

Heartiste (real name James Weidmann) apparently also likes it when his balls fall out of his shorts. At least I think that’s what he’s saying here. Heartiste is such a terrible writer it’s a bit hard to tell.

Bonus exhilaration if you’re wearing loose-fitting shorts in a Miami den of iniquity, and an insolent spheroid squeezes past a sentinel seam.

And now I’ve ruined lunch for everyone, I guess.

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Ohlmann
Ohlmann
3 years ago

A french pick up artist just released a video where he say basically “make her drink a lot. Dog’s tactic, but effective”.

That was the bonus lunch ruining.

IgnoreSandra
3 years ago

Excuse me what the fuck?

Why are men? Just WHY?

Makroth - cowboy Jacobin from Hell
Makroth - cowboy Jacobin from Hell
3 years ago

Do they ever do things for their own sake?

Egret
Egret
3 years ago

Long time listener, first time caller.

I’d’ve liked my first post to be something witty and profound- instead I’m just popping in to say “yes, my appetite has been ruined, thanks for that.”

JS
JS
3 years ago

That’s just bollocks.

Myriad
Myriad
3 years ago

@Makroth – cowboy Jacobin from Hell

I was just about to say the same thing.

There is nothing inherently wrong about going commando, but they don’t I seem to do anything for the shear comfort or joy of the thing. It always has to be pulling something on a woman. A very sad and pathetic way to live life.

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
3 years ago

I already had lunch…a not-too-good pizza buffet that I had a coupon for. Still eight bucks. Not really worth it.

Still, I wrote better erotic passages when I was thirteen years old.

Moggie
Moggie
3 years ago

This sounds rather adolescent. Not the sort of behaviour I’d expect from an adult.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

No one can possibly be surprised that he’s one step away from becoming a run of the mill trenchcoat and nothing else wearing flasher. So lofty and superior!

IgnoreSandra
3 years ago

The only reason I didn’t lose my lunch is because I’m having trouble meeting my basic needs, IE eating. I need to do that or I’m gonna suck performing at the show tonight.

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
3 years ago

The exhilaration of being a closet exhibitionist.

(Ninja’ed by WWTH)

JS
JS
3 years ago
Lady Mondegreen
Lady Mondegreen
3 years ago

Weidmann’s soul is an empty broom closet that smells like pee.

Imaginary Petal
Imaginary Petal
3 years ago

Nut cool.

Imaginary Petal
Imaginary Petal
3 years ago

It’s so extremely revealing that these are the sorts lf things that make alleged PUAs feel all naughty and wicked.

PeeVee the (Perpetually Ignored, Invisible but Noice) Sarcastic
PeeVee the (Perpetually Ignored, Invisible but Noice) Sarcastic
3 years ago

Nut cool.

Winner.

Ooglyboggles
Ooglyboggles
3 years ago

The Aristocrats!

Weird (thumper of trumpanzees) Eddie
Weird (thumper of trumpanzees) Eddie
3 years ago

Why are men? Just WHY?

na dahlmen…

mowst… bud na dahl

JS
JS
3 years ago

@Weird Eddie
I put that in to google’s “auto-detect language” translator, and it decided it was English. English translation? Exactly the same as what you wrote.

Ha⸮?

MrsObedMarsh
MrsObedMarsh
3 years ago

@Makroth: No. They need to feel like they’re living for a higher purpose than “because I feel like it,” but because they’re too lazy and selfish to devote themselves to a genuine cause, they come up with a bunch of post-hoc rationalizations for why the lazy, selfish stuff they do is really for a higher purpose. They’re not being jerks, they’re breaking down stifling, politically correct social norms!

RosieLa
RosieLa
3 years ago

How titillating! And scintillating!
Just one more reason why I don’t like being touched. Pretty sure I’ve had dickwads do this to me before, too.

kupo
kupo
3 years ago

@Egret
Welcome!

Gussie Jives
Gussie Jives
3 years ago

I’m sure other Mammotheers have noticed in David’s previous posts… but what is it with this guy’s verbiage? He reminds me a lot of what a bad writer things a good writer writes like and just picks the most “smart” sounding word for things out of a thesaurus.

…”insolent spheroid”… the hell?

JS
JS
3 years ago

Withdraw! I possess a dictionary of synonyms and antonyms, and will persist in utilizing the same!

Natasha Whilk
Natasha Whilk
3 years ago

@JS: I think it translates to “most, but not all.” Hardly worth the effort of translation IMO.

I am weird and was more amused–not, I hasten to add, in a way that would please Mr Heartiste–than nauseated.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
3 years ago

one precarious layer of fabric

I don’t see how this is exponentially so much worse than having two layers of fabric between Heartiste’s yarbles and an unsuspecting world. Nothing short of a hundred yards of lead and a circle of rabid coyotes would make me feel safely distant from Heartiste’s yarbles. Underwear seems laughably inadequate.

stretched to its absolute restraining limit.

Even Heartiste’s own pants have a restraining order against him.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
3 years ago

Oops, the editor thingy ran out. Apologies for repetition of “yarbles” up above. I’m feeling uncreative today.

As long as we’re on the topic:

an insolent spheroid squeezes past a sentinel seam.

Is this Heartiste-speak for “One of my testicles recently descended”? It’s so hard to tell with his writing.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

I’m also wondering why his pants are so thin that he might bust out of them. Is he wearing old threadbare leggings to the club or something?

Weird (thumper of trumpanzees) Eddie
Weird (thumper of trumpanzees) Eddie
3 years ago

@ JS

What? It didn’t translate…?

It’s “Phoenetikspeak”… translates as “not all men… most, but not all”… a semi-sarcastic way of saying… “Why are men?? … just… WHY???”

ETA: forgive me if I’m not being clear, I’m really frustrated n depressed, there’s so much about the current times I just can’t comprehend… I feel like I slipped into a parallel universe

JS
JS
3 years ago

I’d like Heartiste to learn a bit more about restraining limits.

Scildfreja Unnyðnes
Scildfreja Unnyðnes
3 years ago

I’m also wondering why his pants are so thin that he might bust out of them. Is he wearing old threadbare leggings to the club or something?

When men wear skimpy clothes, it’s ’cause they’re manly men who are proud of their bulky bulk and they want to show off. And that’s good.

When women wear skimpy clothes, it’s cause they’re microprostitutes and want to oppress men with their butts. And that’s bad.

Weird (thumper of trumpanzees) Eddie
Weird (thumper of trumpanzees) Eddie
3 years ago

Oops, double post

kupo
kupo
3 years ago

@Weird Eddy
We’ll get through this some day. Hang in there.

JS
JS
3 years ago

I was attempting to be funny with the google translate bit 🙂 I understood it, but all-powerful all-knowing google had no clue.

Citizen Rat
Citizen Rat
3 years ago

Heartasteless fails at writing once again.

…insolent spheroid squeezes past…

All of the nopes! The testes he so purpleprosey describes as spheroids do not like being squeezed in any way. Just reading that sentence made me cringe!

Victorious Parasol
Victorious Parasol
3 years ago

Is it horrible of me to hope he one day experiences testicular torsion?

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
3 years ago

Eh, Up Your Arsenal was better 😛

your half-chubbed meat sniffs around her twat trench

He’s a metaphorical pig, and his penis is a literal one

one precarious layer of fabric stretched to its absolute restraining limit

Ya know you can wear looser pants, right? Not good to have everything smushed up like that. You’re gonna damage your spheroids this way. Just looking out for you

@JS

⸮?

The asymmetry of it, I’m shook…

Victorious Parasol
Victorious Parasol
3 years ago

OT: Here comes the Harvey rain.

kupo
kupo
3 years ago

@Axe
Just picture it as two cats, walking side-by-side from behind, and all you can see are their tails and, well…

Jenora Feuer
Jenora Feuer
3 years ago

@Gussie Jives:
I think it was Rush Limbaugh that I first heard described as ‘a stupid person’s idea of what a smart person sounds like’.

There’s a lot of that sort of writing around. Including a lot of the 90% that doesn’t make it past Sturgeon’s Law.

Fabe
Fabe
3 years ago

And now I’ve ruined lunch for everyone, I guess.

Nope ,That was way to pathetic to cause me any loss of appetite . Heartiste is going to have to try a lot harder then that.

JS
JS
3 years ago

⸮o⸭o?
|_/^\_|
\–/\–/

Rorschach ASCII Blot Test.

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
3 years ago

@kupo

Just picture it as two cats, walking side-by-side from behind, and all you can see are their tails and, well…

Ha! But does that mean the upside down question marks are upside down cats? Getting tummy rubs no doubt. That’s cute. Unshook, thanks 🙂

@JS

Rorschach ASCII Blot Test

The 4th monkey: plan some evil. Equally cute 😀

@Vicki and the Gulf Coast Crew
Hope everyone’s alright so far. Stay safe out there!

CleverForAGirl - microprostitute
CleverForAGirl - microprostitute
3 years ago

Ugh, just . . .

No, I will *not* let this ruin pulled pork mac n cheese.

I wonder how these guys would feel about my fat jiggly self being braless.

numerobis
numerobis
3 years ago

“Na dahl men” makes me hungry again, thanks Eddie!

(Can’t find lentils in Iqaluit, just split peas, which is not quite the same. And rice is crazy expensive — like 5x the normal price. I don’t get it.)

numerobis
numerobis
3 years ago

Harvey seems intense. I wouldn’t want to experience it in tents.

Victorious Parasol
Victorious Parasol
3 years ago

So far, so good. Mr. Parasol picked up supplies this morning while l was working. We’ve had one wave of wind and rain that has now mostly stopped. We’re far enough inland that we are more worried about savage T-storms than proper hurricane stuff, but savage T-storms can be, well, savage.

Jojo Mojo
Jojo Mojo
3 years ago

Decency laws are an attempt of the beta male gynocracy of putting the real men down!

@Jenora
IIRC Jon Stewart said that towards Newt Gingrich (which compared to Rush limbo is just the same difference)

Scildfreja Unnyðnes
Scildfreja Unnyðnes
3 years ago

Good luck Vicky P! Stay safe and dry as much as you can.

Molloy, Moran, Malone
Molloy, Moran, Malone
3 years ago

Yikes. What is with these guys’ needs to involve the public in their every personal action/decision as if it’s some kind of revelation?

I mean really, what is there to glean from Heartiste saying “not wearing underwear and interacting with women who don’t know is personally thrilling to me”. Okay. Yes. I mean, in my book, it’s not okay to involve people in your kinks without their knowledge and consent, although granted, this is probably going to be seen my most as a minor form of doing so. But even if we set that little issue aside, what is he…I don’t know, even trying to accomplish here? Aside from informing his adoring fans of his leanings towards exhibitionism, I mean? Is he so convinced of his alpha-ness that simply by not wearing underoos, he’s exerting some kind of control over these women? Does he believe that by getting his followers to eschew their own, some kind of net gain will be made for their “movement”? Why are his testicles spheroid? Does he think that writing in overwrought prose makes him seem smart? Convincing? Funny? If so, I’m afraid that I’ve got some bad news…

Also, looking at his post, I just noticed that he said (TW: rape) “When you’re strutting through public throngs(…) with only a character-building starchy denim preventing your cock from raping the world…”. Is that really how he feels? That the physical barriers are what’s keeping his cock (as if it’s an autonomous being over which he has limited control) from overpowering him and committing rape? Presumably, the wangs of other men (not to mention women) are similarly independent from their own owners (stewards?) in this theory, although maybe in this theory only the alpha wangs are powerful enough to require physical barriers to keep them from wresting control from their humans or something.

Does he think so little of men, that their underwear and pants are literally all that’s keeping any significant number of them from a frenzy of rape? If so, why advocate shedding one of those layers?