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By David Futrelle
I don’t even know how to begin to summarize this very long and very creepy post from the Relationship Advice subreddit from a male boss who seems just a teensy weensy bit too “concerned” about a female employee’s relationship with her boyfriend.
So you’re going to just have to read it for yourself. But here’s a fun game you can play as you make your way through it: See how many paragraphs you can get through before your skin starts to crawl!
![Me [32M] with my coworker/friend [24/F] of one year, how do I let her know she is in an abusive relationship with her bf[24m] (self.relationship_advice) submitted 1 day ago by menumessages So a little background to start off with: I work for a nonprofit where I'm the supervisor of 10 people that work under me. Last fall a young woman, lets call her Jennifer started to work with us through an outside fellowship. Now she's the kind of person that just commands attention as soon as she walks into the room. She is very pretty but just has one of those personalities that everyone likes you know? I had to train her when she first started but was very surprised by how quickly she picked everything up. We do a lot of legal work and it's not easy for people without previous experience to learn so quickly. So this should give you a good idea of the kind of person she is. I immediately took a liking to her because of her work but also how easy she was to talk to. During our training, I would say we became pretty close. So much so that I would text her outside of work about non work related stuff. Also she sends me snapchats a lot, random stuff like shows shes watch like friends do. We even go to happy hour alone sometimes and I think I am the closest to her at work. One time she even had lunch with my mom and I when my mom was visiting town. So she is someone I consider a very good friend and want the best for her. Now here's the problem. About two months into her working with us, I found out she has a boyfriend. TO CLARIFY I DO NOT HAVE ANY ROMANTIC INTERESTS AND DO NOT CARE THAT SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND. I really don't care that she has a boyfriend but felt a little manipulated that she never mentioned him before. I am supervisor, been training her for a few months, we have been talking about a lot of stuff so it just comes off as hiding something. People who work in small offices will know what I'm talking about. It was a little hard for me to trust her after that but I kept it to myself. She was still a great employee and her having a boyfriend did not change anything because apparently she has been with this guy for 5 years now. He doesn't live in the same city and they barely see each other from what I understand. So months go by and everything is going really well. So much so that I was even thinking about recommending her for a promotion. We became even closer during this time. About two weeks ago our parent group is hosted a fundraising gala. I asked Jennifer if she wold like to go with me and she said yes. I always have a great time with her so I was really looking forward to it. The night of the gala I called to see when I should pick her up and she said her boyfriend was in town and he would drop her off so she will just meet me there. This is the first red flag I noticed. Is this guy really that insecure that he can't even let her date take her to this gala? Five years and this insecure? That's a problem. But I just agree and say okay I will meet her there. I get to the gala and start to mingle. She eventually gets there but I don't approach her. Honestly, still pretty bothered by what happened earlier so I wanted her to come to me and apologize. She came up to me and we talked but she never apologized for what she did but I ignored it. Soon we were talking just like before and honestly really enjoying each other's company. Here's when I noticed the second red flag. Jennifer and I were talking to another couple when she excused herself because she had to take a call from her boyfriend. I thought it was pretty rude and she has never done something like this before. A little later she comes back and says that her boyfriend is picking her up and she will leave early. THIRD RED FLAG. She was very much looking forward to this night and suddenly she wants to leave early? You know when you can just tell someone isn't happy in their situation? Yeah I definitely felt it right away. A little while later he gets there and I shit you not, this idiot walked into the gala wearing shorts and a t shirt. I almost wanted to laugh but I didn't want to embarrass him. Jennifer introduces me to him and I make pleasantries but I do make a joke about how must feel a little out of place. He says something like "nah, not really sticking around so not a big deal." Okay? I don't really get what that has to do with anything. My point was that he was at a black tie event dressed like he is going to the gym, I don't care if you're for five minutes or five hours, that's weird. So you can already see he is getting an attitude with me for no reason. I follow up with, "well there are some really important people here" and his response was something like, "I've met senators wearing flip flops, I think I'll be okay." Holy shit, I'm getting angry writing this. But you see what I'm talking about right? He completely rubbed me the wrong way. So anyways, as she is leaving, I tell her to let me know if she gets home okay. It gets around midnight and she hasn't sent me a single message. So I sent her a text and no reply. I sent her another around 1am saying I am worried and just to let me know if she is okay. No reply. I have a hard time sleeping that night because I am genuinely concerned. It's just the kind of person I am. I need to know my friends are okay or it bothers me. I wake up the next morning after getting really bad sleep and she still hasn't responded. This makes me upset because I can see she has uploaded pictures on facebook but yet won't respond to my text. The only explanation is that her boyfriend is the reason. She always responds to me and at most a few hours later. So Sunday night I finally send another message really detailing how upset I was with how she was treating me. Also how I think how much control I feel her boyfriend was exerting over her was really making me lose respect for her. I always thought she is this strong independent woman and suddenly this guy is controlling who she can or can't talk to. Of course I get no reply. Monday, inevitably we see each other at work and she confronts me the first thing in the morning. Before I even get a chance to speak, she says I made her uncomfortable and she wants to just finish her last two months of fellowship without any contact that is not necessary for work. This was about two weeks ago. I was really upset at first but honestly I've done a lot of reading. When you are in an abusive relationship, you stop seeing the world the way it is and only the way the abuser wants you to see. It makes me really sad that I am losing a good friend because her boyfriend has insecurity issues. So a few concerns here. She started dating him 5 years ago meaning she was only 19 and therefore this is pretty much the only adult "relationship" she knows. Also the guy is a lobbyist! She wants to work in public service, help immigrants and refugees but yet dates a lobbyist? Does she really not see the contradiction here? I think over the past five years he has done a good job gaslighting her and it's to the point where it's affecting her relationship with other people and it breaks my heart to see this happen to a good friend. My question is this: what is the best approach to let her know of these concerns I have? How can you make someone who refuses to see reality to actually see what is happening? I have spoken to my mother and we both agree it would be best that she is also there when I approach Jennifer. However, do you think it should just be me alone or it would be better having a motherly figure also there to talk about something this serious? And if we have this conversation and she still refuses to break up with her abusive boyfriend, what are the final steps that I should take? To be frank, I'm not sure I can remain friends with her if she continues to date him. I'm simply not the kind of person who will stick by someone who is willingly ruining their own life. I can't stop thinking about this and haven't gotten any work done today. I really look forward to your suggestions and thank you for all your help. For any of you that are currently in an abusive relationship, get out before it's too late. tl;dr: My pretty good friend is in an abusive relationship but won't notice it. How do I get her to notice for her own good but also the future of our friendship?](https://i0.wp.com/www.wehuntedthemammoth.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/boss1-e1500062317524.png?ssl=1)
Yipes.
In the movie Election, the main characters periodically break frame for brief “confessionals” in which they explain what they think is going on; it doesn’t take long to figure out that, well, they have no idea what’s really going on, and their little monologues are at once self-serving and completely un-self-aware.
Boss man has outdone all of them here.
H/T — @leyawn
I’d like to also chime in that being hit on by anyone up the chain from me at work, even once, will make me feel unwelcome and unappreciated as a professional member of the team. Even by a colleague might make me feel like I’m not considered a valued colleague and collaborator, but rather a piece of meat up for grabs, and I’d be extremely uncomfortable from that point forward.
OT: Somehow that skill test I had the anxiety attack over landed me an onsite interview for a position that would be a promotion. So wish me luck!
Semi related, and pales in comparison –
Here’s something on RawStory about a woman who turned her cancelled wedding into food for the homeless –
http://www.rawstory.com/2017/07/indiana-woman-invites-homeless-families-to-dinner-after-hotel-refuses-refund-for-her-canceled-wedding-reception/?comments=disqus
I hope that works OK.
I wanted to point out one specific comment on there, on this rather benign, and positive, tale, I’m going to try to copy and paste it here –
“jkarov rooster1957 • a day ago
No kidding, it’s no suprise that the MGTOW movement is growing incredibly fast
Men Going Their Own Way, meaning we may be hetero men who like women, but we are no longer interesting in dating, relationships or marriage.
http://www.reddit.com/r/mgtow”
Scroll down in the comments and you’ll see it. And he’s got one above it that says that this money could be used as a DOWN PAYMENT (his caps) on a house.
Well, which is it, Mr. MigTow? Get married and buy a house or go your own way?
Yeah, you’re no longer interesting, you got that right. Notice also that he puts a link to the Reddit page. He’s trying to promote it!
On a story that has nothing to do with such things. Is in fact about people putting to good use food that they’d paid for, and giving to others.
And this guy is on this story – promoting MigTow.
Complete with the Reddit link.
Oi.
Complaints about “the left” are often talking about what left-wingers (and anyone who’s gone to certain universities) might call “those people.” Like, say, TERF pedo-apologist Trotskyist 9/11 truthers who are anti-vax.
You would go out of your way to be outraged about anything, of course. That would be extremely hypocritical of you.
Alan Robertshaw
I’ll check it out!
….
“Hobbit Brigade poised for ‘mini troop surge’ to Afghanistan”
“Trump appoints French immigrant Vladimierre Poutin as new FBI Director”
[intentionally badly ‘shopped Putin with mustache and beret]
“EMPOWERED: Meet the female suicide bomber who shattered a glass ceiling in Mosul”
“Beyoncé Gives Your Weekend Safety Brief”
“Army promotion boards for Majors to consider ‘face punchability’”
“Pentagon to send 460,000 additional US Army advisors to Afghanistan”
“Marine 1st Sergeant admits to walking on the grass when no one is looking”
“Pentagon creates new Meme Warfare Center to counter online propaganda”
♫ I think I’m gonna like it here…
@ Jules
Glad you like it! And like the Onion, some people haven’t realised the articles aren’t real. Including on one occasion the Republican minority leader. Oops.
https://www.wired.com/2013/02/mcconnell-duffel-blog/
It also takes the piss a bit out of some attitudes, in a way not dissimilar to here.
http://www.duffelblog.com/2015/08/no-girls-allowed-club-house/
GOOD LUCK, KUPO!!!!!
@katz
I have always been terribly fond of the concept found in a society in Bujold’s Vorkosigan saga, in which everyone, bar none, wears a set of earrings; the style and type of earrings is specified by a complex code, whereby the wearer signals a) whether they are potentially interested in a romantic or sexual relationship at this time, and b)with whom they might be interested in having such a relationship.
@Katz
I know
More info in making that judgment don’t hurt tho. I follow the work of plenty of problematic folks. Better to know early (found her stuff fairly recently) than be surprised later is all. I’ll look into it 🙂
@kupo
I believe in youuu!!! ?
Good luck Kupo! I have no doubt you’ll storm it.
Good luck, kupo!
Yay, kupo!!
Thanks, everyone! 🙂
@JS
*Cocks cat*
Bring it on!
Diego, wow…you have a cat and pool noodle pic?
O.o
(That cat is gorgeous!)
Yes, but I specified kittens. That is clearly a near full grown cat.
With google, EVERYONE has a cat and pool noodle pic. Diego’s is the currently 3rd picture in google’s image search for ‘kitten pool noodle’
This one has kittens.
Haven’t managed to find a kitten actually balanced on a pool noodle yet.
Also, somewhere in the list of results, I also found a picture of a well done graphic reading:
Apparently you cut the pool noodles in half, and use them to carry the rubber chickens from one place to another.
JS,
Well, alrighty then. I know where to go if ever I need a cat/pool noodle image. And here I thought “how very convenient”, lol.
¯\(◉‿◉)/¯
The cats/kittens are still gorgeous.
I agreed, pictures of kittens should always be welcomed.
These days, almost anything can be found in image form pretty quickly.
There’s also tineye.com that does a reverse image search to find other versions of an image. It’s fun to use it on things that you think “might be photoshopped”, because it sometimes finds the multiple source images used to create the fake, or the original before whatever it was the alt-right got up in arms about because photoshop.
Tineye works pretty well with the images Dave uses for titles. For the Title Image of the recent Donald Trump Jr. open thread, it came back with Trump Jr, and a guy with blood or something on his face screaming his head off.
The current page image was likely originally from a page reviewing the movie “Peeping Tom”. Dave has clearly photoshopped it a bit, as is his preference (and for this purpose, also my preference).
Whether he found it from google image search, or from seeing the review, is beyond the scope of this comment.
Out of curiosity, I just visited the Twitter feed of someone who made a stupid, tasteless joke in the immediate wake of a recent terrorist atrocity. Despite the fact that this was months ago, people with evidently far too much time on their hands are still calling him out on this literally to this day, in reaction to every single thing that he posts.
What would satisfy these people? Closing down his account? Suicide? I wouldn’t be inclined to defend what he originally did for a millisecond, but the reaction is so ludicrously disproportionate to the original “crime”, not to mention prolonged, that I really wonder sometimes what goes through these people’s heads. As you say, I suspect it’s just a case of them wanting to feel superior to someone.
My favourite advice on that reddit thread is that the creep op should ‘go tell your HR the story exactly the same as you have here’
Call out culture is mostly counter productive where I’ve seen it in left groups and movements. Socialism,which is where most of my political activity stems from, have a legacy to deal with of a ‘self incrimination’ call out culture in some socialist groups which, at its worst, involved denouncing yourself for any ideological wrongs, at which point others could pile on. Totally self defeating.
This guy fell in love with his colleagues beauty. I am sure most men can appreciate this. Due to his inexperienced and naivety used his position of authority was hoping for something more. He’s obviously convinced himself that the boyfriend must be abusive and deep down wants to be her knight in shining armour. Truth is, she’s not in an abusive relationship, I very much doubt she will marry her current boyfriend, but that’s not the point.
It’s normal and healthy to be good to people when you work with them and even to have a friendly relationship outside of work, but it’s not healthy to farther them or be their ‘I care for you’ border-lining ‘I love you’, type of a boss. Their purpose is to be productive and are mostly numbers which satisfy the needs of a business.
As one leave another comes through the door, they are staff, first and foremost and none of them are forever. If anything this poor individual is mentally suffering, and probably not a bad person, he’s inexperience in women makes him out to be creepy and women hate creepy men.
From his comments I gathered this woman is an attractive female, and as such would likely get a lot of this attention. I guess the last place she’s want it would be work.
One last thing, you cannot manufacture friendship! After a few months doesn’t make friends. We’re not in school, friendship is founded on trust and I strongly feel you need more than a few months to trust people.
Quick reminder that good bosses exist: http://www.boredpanda.com/woman-email-mental-health-day-ceo-response-madalyn-parker/
In this case, i belive he doesn’t cares that her boyfriend is abusing her – because in last part he mentions that she is ‘willing ruing her life’. If i thought my friend is abused by someone i would never stop until i help them. At least i would never say they ‘willing’. Even i dont understand, i know that no one being abuse is ‘willing’. Always they are the victim.
So really, i think he is jealous. He wants that she should love him. Maybe when her boyfriend come finally she feels safe from this boss guy and say what she truly thinks. She waits for her support to come then gets free from this guy at work.
@Valya
Of course if he cared about her he would talk to her to get her side of it (and because if you care about someone you talk about personal stuff, not just TV), but we all know this douche thinks the only reason she isn’t falling head-over-heels for him must be that the bf is controlling her.
I read again and see this part. I met my girlfriend when i was 18 and she was 20. Now she 27 and im 25. I make many, many mistakes already in my life – but this one not one of them. I am stupid and when i was 18 i even more stupid. But looks like even then i adult enough to make this one good descision. This woman one year older so i think she knows what she wants or not wants when she met her boyfriend. This guy is 32 and acting like he is 12.