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By David Futrelle
I don’t even know how to begin to summarize this very long and very creepy post from the Relationship Advice subreddit from a male boss who seems just a teensy weensy bit too “concerned” about a female employee’s relationship with her boyfriend.
So you’re going to just have to read it for yourself. But here’s a fun game you can play as you make your way through it: See how many paragraphs you can get through before your skin starts to crawl!
![Me [32M] with my coworker/friend [24/F] of one year, how do I let her know she is in an abusive relationship with her bf[24m] (self.relationship_advice) submitted 1 day ago by menumessages So a little background to start off with: I work for a nonprofit where I'm the supervisor of 10 people that work under me. Last fall a young woman, lets call her Jennifer started to work with us through an outside fellowship. Now she's the kind of person that just commands attention as soon as she walks into the room. She is very pretty but just has one of those personalities that everyone likes you know? I had to train her when she first started but was very surprised by how quickly she picked everything up. We do a lot of legal work and it's not easy for people without previous experience to learn so quickly. So this should give you a good idea of the kind of person she is. I immediately took a liking to her because of her work but also how easy she was to talk to. During our training, I would say we became pretty close. So much so that I would text her outside of work about non work related stuff. Also she sends me snapchats a lot, random stuff like shows shes watch like friends do. We even go to happy hour alone sometimes and I think I am the closest to her at work. One time she even had lunch with my mom and I when my mom was visiting town. So she is someone I consider a very good friend and want the best for her. Now here's the problem. About two months into her working with us, I found out she has a boyfriend. TO CLARIFY I DO NOT HAVE ANY ROMANTIC INTERESTS AND DO NOT CARE THAT SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND. I really don't care that she has a boyfriend but felt a little manipulated that she never mentioned him before. I am supervisor, been training her for a few months, we have been talking about a lot of stuff so it just comes off as hiding something. People who work in small offices will know what I'm talking about. It was a little hard for me to trust her after that but I kept it to myself. She was still a great employee and her having a boyfriend did not change anything because apparently she has been with this guy for 5 years now. He doesn't live in the same city and they barely see each other from what I understand. So months go by and everything is going really well. So much so that I was even thinking about recommending her for a promotion. We became even closer during this time. About two weeks ago our parent group is hosted a fundraising gala. I asked Jennifer if she wold like to go with me and she said yes. I always have a great time with her so I was really looking forward to it. The night of the gala I called to see when I should pick her up and she said her boyfriend was in town and he would drop her off so she will just meet me there. This is the first red flag I noticed. Is this guy really that insecure that he can't even let her date take her to this gala? Five years and this insecure? That's a problem. But I just agree and say okay I will meet her there. I get to the gala and start to mingle. She eventually gets there but I don't approach her. Honestly, still pretty bothered by what happened earlier so I wanted her to come to me and apologize. She came up to me and we talked but she never apologized for what she did but I ignored it. Soon we were talking just like before and honestly really enjoying each other's company. Here's when I noticed the second red flag. Jennifer and I were talking to another couple when she excused herself because she had to take a call from her boyfriend. I thought it was pretty rude and she has never done something like this before. A little later she comes back and says that her boyfriend is picking her up and she will leave early. THIRD RED FLAG. She was very much looking forward to this night and suddenly she wants to leave early? You know when you can just tell someone isn't happy in their situation? Yeah I definitely felt it right away. A little while later he gets there and I shit you not, this idiot walked into the gala wearing shorts and a t shirt. I almost wanted to laugh but I didn't want to embarrass him. Jennifer introduces me to him and I make pleasantries but I do make a joke about how must feel a little out of place. He says something like "nah, not really sticking around so not a big deal." Okay? I don't really get what that has to do with anything. My point was that he was at a black tie event dressed like he is going to the gym, I don't care if you're for five minutes or five hours, that's weird. So you can already see he is getting an attitude with me for no reason. I follow up with, "well there are some really important people here" and his response was something like, "I've met senators wearing flip flops, I think I'll be okay." Holy shit, I'm getting angry writing this. But you see what I'm talking about right? He completely rubbed me the wrong way. So anyways, as she is leaving, I tell her to let me know if she gets home okay. It gets around midnight and she hasn't sent me a single message. So I sent her a text and no reply. I sent her another around 1am saying I am worried and just to let me know if she is okay. No reply. I have a hard time sleeping that night because I am genuinely concerned. It's just the kind of person I am. I need to know my friends are okay or it bothers me. I wake up the next morning after getting really bad sleep and she still hasn't responded. This makes me upset because I can see she has uploaded pictures on facebook but yet won't respond to my text. The only explanation is that her boyfriend is the reason. She always responds to me and at most a few hours later. So Sunday night I finally send another message really detailing how upset I was with how she was treating me. Also how I think how much control I feel her boyfriend was exerting over her was really making me lose respect for her. I always thought she is this strong independent woman and suddenly this guy is controlling who she can or can't talk to. Of course I get no reply. Monday, inevitably we see each other at work and she confronts me the first thing in the morning. Before I even get a chance to speak, she says I made her uncomfortable and she wants to just finish her last two months of fellowship without any contact that is not necessary for work. This was about two weeks ago. I was really upset at first but honestly I've done a lot of reading. When you are in an abusive relationship, you stop seeing the world the way it is and only the way the abuser wants you to see. It makes me really sad that I am losing a good friend because her boyfriend has insecurity issues. So a few concerns here. She started dating him 5 years ago meaning she was only 19 and therefore this is pretty much the only adult "relationship" she knows. Also the guy is a lobbyist! She wants to work in public service, help immigrants and refugees but yet dates a lobbyist? Does she really not see the contradiction here? I think over the past five years he has done a good job gaslighting her and it's to the point where it's affecting her relationship with other people and it breaks my heart to see this happen to a good friend. My question is this: what is the best approach to let her know of these concerns I have? How can you make someone who refuses to see reality to actually see what is happening? I have spoken to my mother and we both agree it would be best that she is also there when I approach Jennifer. However, do you think it should just be me alone or it would be better having a motherly figure also there to talk about something this serious? And if we have this conversation and she still refuses to break up with her abusive boyfriend, what are the final steps that I should take? To be frank, I'm not sure I can remain friends with her if she continues to date him. I'm simply not the kind of person who will stick by someone who is willingly ruining their own life. I can't stop thinking about this and haven't gotten any work done today. I really look forward to your suggestions and thank you for all your help. For any of you that are currently in an abusive relationship, get out before it's too late. tl;dr: My pretty good friend is in an abusive relationship but won't notice it. How do I get her to notice for her own good but also the future of our friendship?](https://i0.wp.com/www.wehuntedthemammoth.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/boss1-e1500062317524.png?ssl=1)
Yipes.
In the movie Election, the main characters periodically break frame for brief “confessionals” in which they explain what they think is going on; it doesn’t take long to figure out that, well, they have no idea what’s really going on, and their little monologues are at once self-serving and completely un-self-aware.
Boss man has outdone all of them here.
H/T — @leyawn
Hah hah hah his comment history is fantastic.
@ weird eddie (& axe)
Re: objections in court
Permission to waffle about my favourite legal anecdote?
I had a case where my star witness was the ex attorney general of Ghana. He started to give evidence about “and at that stage President Rawlings began to act unconstitutionally”
The home office barrister very politely objected. “I hesitate to interupt, but what qualifies this witness to comment on the Constitution of Ghana?”
“Well, I wrote it”
Are you familiar with the famous US SCOTUS case Marbury v. Madison?
The Madison in that case is the same Madison who wrote the US Constitution.
@ POM
Ooh, I knew the case but I didn’t know that. Cheers. I love this site for how I’m always learning new stuff.
(Although, one can make a pretty strong case it wasn’t just land the founding fathers nicked from Indians)
https://www.jstor.org/stable/20068736?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents
Yeah she was in an abusive relationship. The one with him, and it sounds like she’s glad to Get the Fuck Out. I would be too.
I don’t think that this one has been linked here yet. Sorry if that’s not the case.
http://imgur.com/a/VbszI
I’m honestly worried that this dude is going to end up killing either “Jennifer” or her boyfriend. Or both. It’s not letting me copy+paste, but he’s saying that she’s a liar and a bitch and “Karma” is going to get her someday.
It’s potentially a good thing that is going viral. Maybe there’s a chance that she’ll see these posts and recognize them as being about her. It might not be enough evidence to help her legally, but it would at least warn her so she can take safety precautions.
It’s really sounding like a Law & Order SVU plot to me.
@Alan
The founders cribbed a metric fuckton of stuff from the locals, especially the Iroquois Confederacy. Of course that doesn’t get taught at anything less than an undergraduate level, because we wouldn’t want the workforce to realize that the Great White Fathers were anything other than totally original and novel.
He was there to pick up his girlfriend. Was he supposed to rent a tuxedo for the five minutes he was inside the gala?
Yep! The kind of Really Caring Guy who lies awake at night, obsessing over what his co-worker might be doing in bed with her boyfriend. The kind who cares SO MUCH, he sends her midnight texts calculated to interrupt their lovemaking and intrude on their time together, and then gets royally pissed off when she doesn’t respond. (And she’s the gauche one?)
The kind of really super-duper noble do-good Eagle Scout who convinces himself that his target has rejected him NOT because she already has a boyfriend, but because in her abused state, she’s simply too confused to know what’s good for her and what she really wants. Out of the goodness of his heart, he needs to step in and “rescue” her from his competition. Only an evil monster could possibly object to this plan!
Ugh. If he treats her like this when they’re not dating, imagine how petty, controlling, and jealous he’d be if they were?
@WWTH — I’m worried about that too. I’m pretty sure she feels like she got away from a Serial Killer that night and not her boss. This whole thing just reads SO WRONG to me. It sets off ALL the alarms.
And he’s so genuinely concerned about her safety that when he sees she’s been posting to Facebook (and thus is obviously fine) his reaction is not I’M SO RELIEVED SHE’S FINE but instead to pop a massive rageboner.
Well, we can state definitively that “Jennifer” is a brunette.
I sure hope she finds those threads, or someone finds a way to point her toward them.
@ POM
This is a topic I’m really interested in for various reasons.
You probably know that the Iroquois Confederacy used an electoral college system; but only women could be electors.
And y’know, I am very close to my son. He’s a teen, but I think it’s not too out-there to say I am one of his best friends, in the sense that he trusts me completely and tells me (most) things.
But even as close as we are, and as close as we might become when he is an adult, NO EFFIN’ WAY am I going with him to talk to a woman he likes about…what, exactly?
I mean, if asked, I’m certainly going to give him advice – and my advice in this situation would be LEAVE IT ALONE JUNIOR GO ON ABOUT YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS.
Full disclosure: my teenage son does NOT tell me EVERYTHING. Especially if it’s about one of his friends, or something he thinks is personal that someone else told him. We have a deal, the only time he *has* to share something private with me is if someone (again, we’re talking about him and other teenagers) is being hurt, hurting themselves, or hurting someone else. He has said that he would, and I hope he holds to that, but who knows? He’s growing into an adult. Hopefully I’ve taught him well enough that he knows what I’d say anyway (and knows right from wrong).
Oh myyyy. He’s hung like Thor’s hammer, and needs to “pound some aggression out”? I can’t imagine why Jennifer from work isn’t clambering all over that thunderous cock. Instead of dating that beta orbiter who shows up in shorts and a t-shirt to pick her up from a work function.
Oh wait, I totally can. He’s the abuser in all this, just as I suspected!
@Alan
Their Constitution is an interesting read. The bits about how the Lords were installed and de-installed (by the power of the women who actually held the titles) is a system that I think we could use more of today.
Now that I had the chance to read through the comments, wow, he is worse than I thought. I really hope she gets far away from him as soon as possible.
@ POM
I love all this stuff. Have some very interesting conversations about it all.
But the Iroquois Confederacy is especially fascinating. I suppose one could argue it’s like a patriarchy and matriarchy acting as ‘checks and balances’. Hmm, I’ll have to run that past them.
On a sort of related topic, you ever heard this.
https://youtu.be/i1K0t0OhdT0
It’s an unreleased U2 song called ‘Native Son’. It’s about Leonard Peltier. But the record company said it might alienate the American fan base, so they modified it to be the non controversial ‘Vertigo’.
Why’d I click that screenshot? The whole ‘You wanna leave my bed with a ruptured cervix, hahaha?’ thing is bad enough (replacing the whole ad with ‘I’m a lousy lay with anger management issues, wait, don’t click away!’ woulda been quicker), but, like, “shoot in you”? *heaves, shudders*
@dreemr
Top notch momming, fam. Just… top notch *salutes*
@ Axe
If you’d been tied up with Indiana Jones on that island you’d have peeked wouldn’t you? 🙂
@Axe “Danger” Calibur:
Have you had the (dubious) pleasure of seeing “SWBs Texting”? It’s a fuckin’ thing.
@Axe
@dslucia – I shouldn’t have clicked on that. Allll too familiar – just FYI, they don’t get any better about it even when in their 50s…
@dreemr:
I’m sure they don’t.
It boggles my mind, a lot of the things they say are things I wouldn’t feel comfortable just straight up saying to someone I’m already in a sexual relationship with. I do love the snarky responses, though.
@Alan
@dslucia
Oh, I know it’s a thing. It’s just made more blergh by the NiceGuyTM creepery in the OP
‘I am so concerned about this impressionable youth, WHO I’M IN NO WAY INTO LIKE THAT, EWE GUISE! Maybe me and mother should sit her down and talk about that boyfriend
immasculating meabusing her… But first, which lucky lady wants to reenact an episode of criminal minds?’Also, I was much more into Fat, Ugly, or Slutty than SWBT
@dreemr
🙂
@Axe “Danger” Calibur:
It’s a shame FUS isn’t still updating.
Well, it wouldn’t be a shame if the reason for no more updates was because gamerbois learned how to be respectful, but we all know that’s not gonna happen.
Jesus Christ, this kind of shit is why I’m afraid to be friendly with men sometimes.