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By David Futrelle
I don’t even know how to begin to summarize this very long and very creepy post from the Relationship Advice subreddit from a male boss who seems just a teensy weensy bit too “concerned” about a female employee’s relationship with her boyfriend.
So you’re going to just have to read it for yourself. But here’s a fun game you can play as you make your way through it: See how many paragraphs you can get through before your skin starts to crawl!
![Me [32M] with my coworker/friend [24/F] of one year, how do I let her know she is in an abusive relationship with her bf[24m] (self.relationship_advice) submitted 1 day ago by menumessages So a little background to start off with: I work for a nonprofit where I'm the supervisor of 10 people that work under me. Last fall a young woman, lets call her Jennifer started to work with us through an outside fellowship. Now she's the kind of person that just commands attention as soon as she walks into the room. She is very pretty but just has one of those personalities that everyone likes you know? I had to train her when she first started but was very surprised by how quickly she picked everything up. We do a lot of legal work and it's not easy for people without previous experience to learn so quickly. So this should give you a good idea of the kind of person she is. I immediately took a liking to her because of her work but also how easy she was to talk to. During our training, I would say we became pretty close. So much so that I would text her outside of work about non work related stuff. Also she sends me snapchats a lot, random stuff like shows shes watch like friends do. We even go to happy hour alone sometimes and I think I am the closest to her at work. One time she even had lunch with my mom and I when my mom was visiting town. So she is someone I consider a very good friend and want the best for her. Now here's the problem. About two months into her working with us, I found out she has a boyfriend. TO CLARIFY I DO NOT HAVE ANY ROMANTIC INTERESTS AND DO NOT CARE THAT SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND. I really don't care that she has a boyfriend but felt a little manipulated that she never mentioned him before. I am supervisor, been training her for a few months, we have been talking about a lot of stuff so it just comes off as hiding something. People who work in small offices will know what I'm talking about. It was a little hard for me to trust her after that but I kept it to myself. She was still a great employee and her having a boyfriend did not change anything because apparently she has been with this guy for 5 years now. He doesn't live in the same city and they barely see each other from what I understand. So months go by and everything is going really well. So much so that I was even thinking about recommending her for a promotion. We became even closer during this time. About two weeks ago our parent group is hosted a fundraising gala. I asked Jennifer if she wold like to go with me and she said yes. I always have a great time with her so I was really looking forward to it. The night of the gala I called to see when I should pick her up and she said her boyfriend was in town and he would drop her off so she will just meet me there. This is the first red flag I noticed. Is this guy really that insecure that he can't even let her date take her to this gala? Five years and this insecure? That's a problem. But I just agree and say okay I will meet her there. I get to the gala and start to mingle. She eventually gets there but I don't approach her. Honestly, still pretty bothered by what happened earlier so I wanted her to come to me and apologize. She came up to me and we talked but she never apologized for what she did but I ignored it. Soon we were talking just like before and honestly really enjoying each other's company. Here's when I noticed the second red flag. Jennifer and I were talking to another couple when she excused herself because she had to take a call from her boyfriend. I thought it was pretty rude and she has never done something like this before. A little later she comes back and says that her boyfriend is picking her up and she will leave early. THIRD RED FLAG. She was very much looking forward to this night and suddenly she wants to leave early? You know when you can just tell someone isn't happy in their situation? Yeah I definitely felt it right away. A little while later he gets there and I shit you not, this idiot walked into the gala wearing shorts and a t shirt. I almost wanted to laugh but I didn't want to embarrass him. Jennifer introduces me to him and I make pleasantries but I do make a joke about how must feel a little out of place. He says something like "nah, not really sticking around so not a big deal." Okay? I don't really get what that has to do with anything. My point was that he was at a black tie event dressed like he is going to the gym, I don't care if you're for five minutes or five hours, that's weird. So you can already see he is getting an attitude with me for no reason. I follow up with, "well there are some really important people here" and his response was something like, "I've met senators wearing flip flops, I think I'll be okay." Holy shit, I'm getting angry writing this. But you see what I'm talking about right? He completely rubbed me the wrong way. So anyways, as she is leaving, I tell her to let me know if she gets home okay. It gets around midnight and she hasn't sent me a single message. So I sent her a text and no reply. I sent her another around 1am saying I am worried and just to let me know if she is okay. No reply. I have a hard time sleeping that night because I am genuinely concerned. It's just the kind of person I am. I need to know my friends are okay or it bothers me. I wake up the next morning after getting really bad sleep and she still hasn't responded. This makes me upset because I can see she has uploaded pictures on facebook but yet won't respond to my text. The only explanation is that her boyfriend is the reason. She always responds to me and at most a few hours later. So Sunday night I finally send another message really detailing how upset I was with how she was treating me. Also how I think how much control I feel her boyfriend was exerting over her was really making me lose respect for her. I always thought she is this strong independent woman and suddenly this guy is controlling who she can or can't talk to. Of course I get no reply. Monday, inevitably we see each other at work and she confronts me the first thing in the morning. Before I even get a chance to speak, she says I made her uncomfortable and she wants to just finish her last two months of fellowship without any contact that is not necessary for work. This was about two weeks ago. I was really upset at first but honestly I've done a lot of reading. When you are in an abusive relationship, you stop seeing the world the way it is and only the way the abuser wants you to see. It makes me really sad that I am losing a good friend because her boyfriend has insecurity issues. So a few concerns here. She started dating him 5 years ago meaning she was only 19 and therefore this is pretty much the only adult "relationship" she knows. Also the guy is a lobbyist! She wants to work in public service, help immigrants and refugees but yet dates a lobbyist? Does she really not see the contradiction here? I think over the past five years he has done a good job gaslighting her and it's to the point where it's affecting her relationship with other people and it breaks my heart to see this happen to a good friend. My question is this: what is the best approach to let her know of these concerns I have? How can you make someone who refuses to see reality to actually see what is happening? I have spoken to my mother and we both agree it would be best that she is also there when I approach Jennifer. However, do you think it should just be me alone or it would be better having a motherly figure also there to talk about something this serious? And if we have this conversation and she still refuses to break up with her abusive boyfriend, what are the final steps that I should take? To be frank, I'm not sure I can remain friends with her if she continues to date him. I'm simply not the kind of person who will stick by someone who is willingly ruining their own life. I can't stop thinking about this and haven't gotten any work done today. I really look forward to your suggestions and thank you for all your help. For any of you that are currently in an abusive relationship, get out before it's too late. tl;dr: My pretty good friend is in an abusive relationship but won't notice it. How do I get her to notice for her own good but also the future of our friendship?](https://i0.wp.com/www.wehuntedthemammoth.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/boss1-e1500062317524.png?ssl=1)
Yipes.
In the movie Election, the main characters periodically break frame for brief “confessionals” in which they explain what they think is going on; it doesn’t take long to figure out that, well, they have no idea what’s really going on, and their little monologues are at once self-serving and completely un-self-aware.
Boss man has outdone all of them here.
H/T — @leyawn
I’ve got a 5-lb bag of sugar free gummi bears, and eating that all at once would be a better idea than telling this coworker she’s in an abusive relationship with her boyfriend.
Dang. Can’t believe I got double-ninja’d on the both broccoli and the unpopular opinion dig. I blame summer weather. Unpopular opinion, but autumn totally beats summer.
This came to my attention because he’s been asking on some of the legal sites how he can get a restraining order against her boyfriend on her behalf.
When people have pointed out that would be matter for her not him, he’s saying she doesn’t have capacity because she’s clearly not thinking straight!
But unsurprisingly he then switched to getting nasty about how ‘ungrateful’ she is so fuck her etc.
Wait, what?
I only made it to the “I super swear I don’t like her romantically, but I feel like she manipulated me by not mentioning her boyfriend” before I physically shuddered. (Haven’t finished it yet, will soon.) Her relationship status is none of his fucking business, even if he feels like they have personal ties outside of just being coworkers. Even if they were friends outside the workplace, she is under no obligation to disclose anything about her personal life at all, and it’s achingly creepy that someone who not only swears to only care for her platonically but is also her boss would think of that as manipulation or betrayal.
I hope she gets a new job far away from that dude.
Holy fuck, Alan!
@ POM
Yeah, someone referred it to me partly because it’s a question that had previously come up in a legitimate discussion about DV; but mainly in a “check this guy out!” sense. He’s deleted everything now, but someone on reddit legaladvice had linked back to this post to demonstrate the context.
Actually, maybe a restraining order might not be a bad idea. Just, you know, not the way he intends it.
@Alan
An no one thought to get a screencap first before he deleted the evidence? What kind of lawyers are you?
@Alan
Well damn, that puts a new spin on the level of creepy.
I suspect when she rang him asking to be rescued she made it clear it didn’t matter what he was wearing, just get there now!
@ POM
Well you’ve known me long enough to know, a pretty slack one. 🙂
Watch out for your boss, Jennifer 0_0
Dude is making a case for how he can stalk her while looking like the good guy.
First skeevy feeling came with the “manipulated” sentence; precisely how is she manipulating him by not telling him about something that is none of his fucking business?
I’ll just bet he’s been reading up on abusive relationships.
Alan, I am unsurprised by this.
Diego, no, all is NOT fair game in romance; one finds out another is in a relationship and is uninterested, one drops it. Not a hard concept to grasp.
She’s in an abusive relationship, all right…with her boss.
I hope she gets help and gets out.
Here’s the legal advice thread sans his comments; but you can get some of the gist through the responses.
https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/6mww08/new_york_new_york_is_it_possible_for_an_employer/
Some more on this dude with stuff in the comments about some of his other, now-deleted work:
https://www.reddit.com/r/niceguys/comments/6mwtdr/poster_on_rrelationships_claims_his_coworker_that/
eta: for example, this gem that shows how very, very concerned he is about her abusive boyfriend:
https://imgur.com/a/VbszI
@Diego
He hasn’t made a pass. He didn’t flirt with her. He asked her out but explicitly as a friend. You’re defending something that didn’t happen. There is no acceptable aspect to this story. There is only the creeping. Maybe, hypothetically, it’s relevant, but, given what we know, there’s very little similarity between this story and what you describe
Also, now that I reread that paragraph, it never really mentions him. OP, I mean. You talk about her right to see other people if she’s in an abusive relationship. But the facts in evidence don’t suggest that she is, and saying so gives more credence to his story than it deserves. Meanwhile, ‘she can seek out affection outside her relationship, but he’s a creep’ makes his behavior out to be a consequence of her actions. If she’d pursued him, you’d be making sense. But, again, the entire matter at hand is his creepery
And that’s why I was side eyeing whatcha said. Benefit of the doubt you didn’t mean it like this, the nonsequitur nature of it, the way it frames the situation, and your use of language are pretty suspect
Oh, and regarding the unpopularity of your opinion, why would you assume it was unpopular? Had anyone led you to believe it might be? Just… chill… Nobody here’s going after your relatives. Finally, hiya! I’m Axe and am currently in a relationship that started with my flirting (openly and reciprocally, I hasten to add) with a married woman. Howdayado
“her date”
“her date”
Co-worker: You are not this woman’s “date”. You are two colleagues attending a businessocial event hosted by your mutual employer, and you happen to be attending the event together. That doesn’t give you some kind of “official date status” that your colleague’s boyfriend should be expected to defer to.
Also, I have no idea whether this woman’s boyfriend might possibly be abusive toward her. But I am absoflippinglutely sure that this co-worker is NOT the person who should be trying to manage any kind of intervention even if an intervention were indicated.
An excellent resolution. Please stick to it.
-Diego Duarte
If someone says “hey, wanna go out?” and someone replies “No” would mean that this person is not “fair game” for romance at this time.
No reasons needed, a simple “Nah, not feeling it.” Should suffice. I mean, it doesn’t, but that’s because “everyone is fair game where romance is concerned”, and the rest of us need to deal with that shit.
Holy guacamole, this guy just gets skeevier the more layers are peeled back!
Diego:
I guess, but with some exceptions. Like if one person is the other person’s job supervisor. Especially if either of the people involved has trouble telling the difference between normal office cordiality and flirting. (People like that are probably better off not trying to date at the workplace at all.)
POM:
There’s a discussion on /r/niceguys with a lot of screencaps. (SPOILER: They don’t think he’s a very nice guy.)
https://www.reddit.com/r/niceguys/comments/6mwtdr/poster_on_rrelationships_claims_his_coworker_that/
And here’s a link to the /r/legaladvice thread where he asked if he could get a restraining order on the woman’s behalf. He deleted that one pretty quickly when he saw which way popular opinion was trending, but you can still see the comments.
https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/6mww08/new_york_new_york_is_it_possible_for_an_employer
The good news is that he’s managed to get over her, and in fact is planning to laugh in her face when she apologizes and admits that he was right all along:
https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/6mxaay/nawand_you_think_youre_better_off_now_laughable/
I’m surprised by how many people whose skin managed to make it uncrawled past the third sentence.
Ugh. UGH!
Ladies and gentlemen, our hero:
http://i.imgur.com/6aIQEel.png
I just got madder and madder and madder the more I read. Can we talk about the part where he felt he was owed an apology because he had plans to go to an event with her and she said she would meet him there? HOW DARE.
He’s not going to the gala. He’s picking up his girlfriend from the gala. I don’t see the problem, incredulous creepy boss guy.
Edit: Oh also fuck this guy for thinking that a woman’s choice of job has anything to do with who she’s dating, like women are defined by who they’re with.