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By David Futrelle
I don’t even know how to begin to summarize this very long and very creepy post from the Relationship Advice subreddit from a male boss who seems just a teensy weensy bit too “concerned” about a female employee’s relationship with her boyfriend.
So you’re going to just have to read it for yourself. But here’s a fun game you can play as you make your way through it: See how many paragraphs you can get through before your skin starts to crawl!
![Me [32M] with my coworker/friend [24/F] of one year, how do I let her know she is in an abusive relationship with her bf[24m] (self.relationship_advice) submitted 1 day ago by menumessages So a little background to start off with: I work for a nonprofit where I'm the supervisor of 10 people that work under me. Last fall a young woman, lets call her Jennifer started to work with us through an outside fellowship. Now she's the kind of person that just commands attention as soon as she walks into the room. She is very pretty but just has one of those personalities that everyone likes you know? I had to train her when she first started but was very surprised by how quickly she picked everything up. We do a lot of legal work and it's not easy for people without previous experience to learn so quickly. So this should give you a good idea of the kind of person she is. I immediately took a liking to her because of her work but also how easy she was to talk to. During our training, I would say we became pretty close. So much so that I would text her outside of work about non work related stuff. Also she sends me snapchats a lot, random stuff like shows shes watch like friends do. We even go to happy hour alone sometimes and I think I am the closest to her at work. One time she even had lunch with my mom and I when my mom was visiting town. So she is someone I consider a very good friend and want the best for her. Now here's the problem. About two months into her working with us, I found out she has a boyfriend. TO CLARIFY I DO NOT HAVE ANY ROMANTIC INTERESTS AND DO NOT CARE THAT SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND. I really don't care that she has a boyfriend but felt a little manipulated that she never mentioned him before. I am supervisor, been training her for a few months, we have been talking about a lot of stuff so it just comes off as hiding something. People who work in small offices will know what I'm talking about. It was a little hard for me to trust her after that but I kept it to myself. She was still a great employee and her having a boyfriend did not change anything because apparently she has been with this guy for 5 years now. He doesn't live in the same city and they barely see each other from what I understand. So months go by and everything is going really well. So much so that I was even thinking about recommending her for a promotion. We became even closer during this time. About two weeks ago our parent group is hosted a fundraising gala. I asked Jennifer if she wold like to go with me and she said yes. I always have a great time with her so I was really looking forward to it. The night of the gala I called to see when I should pick her up and she said her boyfriend was in town and he would drop her off so she will just meet me there. This is the first red flag I noticed. Is this guy really that insecure that he can't even let her date take her to this gala? Five years and this insecure? That's a problem. But I just agree and say okay I will meet her there. I get to the gala and start to mingle. She eventually gets there but I don't approach her. Honestly, still pretty bothered by what happened earlier so I wanted her to come to me and apologize. She came up to me and we talked but she never apologized for what she did but I ignored it. Soon we were talking just like before and honestly really enjoying each other's company. Here's when I noticed the second red flag. Jennifer and I were talking to another couple when she excused herself because she had to take a call from her boyfriend. I thought it was pretty rude and she has never done something like this before. A little later she comes back and says that her boyfriend is picking her up and she will leave early. THIRD RED FLAG. She was very much looking forward to this night and suddenly she wants to leave early? You know when you can just tell someone isn't happy in their situation? Yeah I definitely felt it right away. A little while later he gets there and I shit you not, this idiot walked into the gala wearing shorts and a t shirt. I almost wanted to laugh but I didn't want to embarrass him. Jennifer introduces me to him and I make pleasantries but I do make a joke about how must feel a little out of place. He says something like "nah, not really sticking around so not a big deal." Okay? I don't really get what that has to do with anything. My point was that he was at a black tie event dressed like he is going to the gym, I don't care if you're for five minutes or five hours, that's weird. So you can already see he is getting an attitude with me for no reason. I follow up with, "well there are some really important people here" and his response was something like, "I've met senators wearing flip flops, I think I'll be okay." Holy shit, I'm getting angry writing this. But you see what I'm talking about right? He completely rubbed me the wrong way. So anyways, as she is leaving, I tell her to let me know if she gets home okay. It gets around midnight and she hasn't sent me a single message. So I sent her a text and no reply. I sent her another around 1am saying I am worried and just to let me know if she is okay. No reply. I have a hard time sleeping that night because I am genuinely concerned. It's just the kind of person I am. I need to know my friends are okay or it bothers me. I wake up the next morning after getting really bad sleep and she still hasn't responded. This makes me upset because I can see she has uploaded pictures on facebook but yet won't respond to my text. The only explanation is that her boyfriend is the reason. She always responds to me and at most a few hours later. So Sunday night I finally send another message really detailing how upset I was with how she was treating me. Also how I think how much control I feel her boyfriend was exerting over her was really making me lose respect for her. I always thought she is this strong independent woman and suddenly this guy is controlling who she can or can't talk to. Of course I get no reply. Monday, inevitably we see each other at work and she confronts me the first thing in the morning. Before I even get a chance to speak, she says I made her uncomfortable and she wants to just finish her last two months of fellowship without any contact that is not necessary for work. This was about two weeks ago. I was really upset at first but honestly I've done a lot of reading. When you are in an abusive relationship, you stop seeing the world the way it is and only the way the abuser wants you to see. It makes me really sad that I am losing a good friend because her boyfriend has insecurity issues. So a few concerns here. She started dating him 5 years ago meaning she was only 19 and therefore this is pretty much the only adult "relationship" she knows. Also the guy is a lobbyist! She wants to work in public service, help immigrants and refugees but yet dates a lobbyist? Does she really not see the contradiction here? I think over the past five years he has done a good job gaslighting her and it's to the point where it's affecting her relationship with other people and it breaks my heart to see this happen to a good friend. My question is this: what is the best approach to let her know of these concerns I have? How can you make someone who refuses to see reality to actually see what is happening? I have spoken to my mother and we both agree it would be best that she is also there when I approach Jennifer. However, do you think it should just be me alone or it would be better having a motherly figure also there to talk about something this serious? And if we have this conversation and she still refuses to break up with her abusive boyfriend, what are the final steps that I should take? To be frank, I'm not sure I can remain friends with her if she continues to date him. I'm simply not the kind of person who will stick by someone who is willingly ruining their own life. I can't stop thinking about this and haven't gotten any work done today. I really look forward to your suggestions and thank you for all your help. For any of you that are currently in an abusive relationship, get out before it's too late. tl;dr: My pretty good friend is in an abusive relationship but won't notice it. How do I get her to notice for her own good but also the future of our friendship?](https://i0.wp.com/www.wehuntedthemammoth.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/boss1-e1500062317524.png?ssl=1)
Yipes.
In the movie Election, the main characters periodically break frame for brief “confessionals” in which they explain what they think is going on; it doesn’t take long to figure out that, well, they have no idea what’s really going on, and their little monologues are at once self-serving and completely un-self-aware.
Boss man has outdone all of them here.
H/T — @leyawn
@kupo: neither of the versions I’ve played did, but that would be super fun. I love little bits for games!
@wwth: Was it this? Eldorado over at Board Games Geek.
@Scildfreja: What was that Sherlock Holmes game you were describing in another thread? I meant to click the link, but I didn’t, and now I’m sad.
I had also heard about the history of Monopoly. Does anyone know if there are copies of the original rules floating around? It would be interesting to play it!
And speaking of women… I got Scythe a little while ago, and three of the five characters are women!
Whaaaat?
@Alan:
The history of Monopoly is probably more interesting than the game itself.
In my board-game loving family, even out at the summer cottage where we have little else to do, Monopoly was always an absolute last resort, especially where my mother was concerned. Granted, after I introduced my parents to Settlers of Catan a few years back, and my sister and her husband later got in on it as well, that tends to be the main go-to board game these days.
(Though one of the more fun ones was https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Credo_(card_game) which is sort of a beer-and-pretzels game about arguing over which lines should go into the Nicene Creed. Even my regular church-attending mother had fun, though after years as the local church secretary, she considered the level of politicking in that game to be an understatement.)
Most of my favorites these days are the cooperatives: Pandemic, Forbidden Island/Desert, Flash Point, and especially Sentinels of the Multiverse. It’s just nice when you’re hanging casually with friends to not worry about pitting people against each other.
@Kupo, it’s Sherlock Holmes Consulting Detective. With Jack the Ripper and West End Adventures cases! Please please, bring this game to your table, you’ll have a remarkable time!
The game you’re looking for is called The Landlord’s Game. Here’s a full rules description as described in the patent!
http://landlordsgame.info/rules/lg-1904p_patent.html
And Scythe looks fun! It’s not really something I expect I’d be able to bring to the table much – my board game friends get together so rarely :C but it looks wonderful.
(If a bit silly. I mean, I saw the box art and was all “oh, we peasants don’t mind the big stompy robots in our field, they’re just having fun with their war. We have wheat to harvest!”)
@Jenora, I find that even Settlers is sort of meh these days. Too much chance, and the only interactions between players are sort of passive aggressive. I wouldn’t turn a game of it down, mind you, but it’s not on my go-to list. It’s awesome that you have a family that’s into board games, though! I’m jealous!
@ jenora
You’ll no doubt be familiar with compromise agreements and settlements. It’s so obvious that that’s just what the Nicene Creed is. It really reads like it was drafted by lawyers rather than theologians. Even with the sub-clauses and qualifications.
“begotten (not made), one with…” etc.
@Scildfreja: That was me, haha.
The art in Scythe is beautiful!! I need to actually sit down and learn the rules, and then choose a day to have people over to play it. 😀
Also I need to read the rules to the Landlord’s Game.
Rhuu,
That was it! I’m sure it wasn’t the greatest game in all the world or anything, but good memories.
I guess I’m pretty boring. I’m pretty much just a Trivial Pursuit person nowadays.
@Katz:
Oooh, yeah, Sentinels of the Multiverse is fun. Got introduced to that at an SF con here in Toronto last year; now I have the Android app version as well.
@Scildfreja:
True, one of my friends has his own description of what he calls ‘F**K You of Catan’. He’s a big games fan normally, with stuff like Small World, Ticket to Ride, and the more recent Arkham Horror on his shelves, but we just don’t talk about that game.
@Alan:
You should look into Credo, if you can manage to find a copy. It’s pretty well researched: each of the different possible lines that can be inserted into the Creed has the name of the specific tradition that supported it at the time noted on it, including things like the more explicitly dualistic traditions (God and the Devil being equally powerful) that long since lost out. It also comes with a booklet that goes over some of the real history involved.
Each player represents a church, and starts with a specific size of flock and a set of beliefs of varying intensities. When a vote is called on a specific line in the creed, each church has a number of votes equal to the size of its flock, and will generally vote for whichever version of the line they have as a belief (or play kingmaker if your church doesn’t have a strong belief on that line). If your belief wins, you gain flock (or lose if you lose) relative to the intensity of your belief in that particular line. All the while, various political events are happening around you, you can have both Western and Eastern Emperors as well as various other personages of note supporting particular churches, and can arrange scandals. Whichever church has the most flock when the last line is voted on becomes the official state church of (what’s left of) the Roman Empire.
@WWTH: finger guns then blows off smoke. Yessssss!
The weighing mechanic totally would have got me, that seems really neat.
I like to think that people playing games is more important than which games they are playing. As long as people are getting together and having fun, I don’t think it matters.
I’d be interested in playing a Trivial Pursuit game that WASN’T from the 70s. I couldn’t answer any of those questions, haha. Also one of the pieces had a piece of pie stuck in it wrong, and we could never get it out.
For all that it was basically our entire universe in college, Settlers doesn’t hold up that well. Kingmaking is a big problem, and in most games one player gets off to a bad start and effectively eliminated from the competition.
Ours too! Did EVERYONE stick a piece in wrong and have it stuck there forever?
I remember when we played our old 70s versions of Trivial Pursuit, sometimes you had to insert the caveat “In 1979, what was believed to be…”
I keep meaning to get new cards. My Trivial Pursuit is from my childhood and there are still answers like “West Germany” in it.
I have played the nineties edition thinking that I’d kick ass at it but it’s surprisingly hard.
I enjoy crushing the dreams of my
enemiesfellow players in Monopoly. Not the best game (scrabble is), and could def be improved (someone mentioned taxes). But, so long as nobody is excessively dickish (some dickishness is part of the charm), it’s fun*twirls cloak, slinks back into evil lair of neoliberal ghastliness*
This. All of this.
Half the world won’t play Monopoly with me because they hate it and the other half won’t play Monopoly with me because I always win. =P
(And bonus points for ripping on the “NEOLIBR’ULS!!!” buzzword. I swear, its real meaning, “The 9874532th synonym for hard-right conservatism,” has been totally supplanted by “Anybody who believes in Trump-Russia and thinks it’s a big deal and/or doesn’t think Bernie is the reincarnation of Jesus.”)
Apparently the one I was thinking of is Frontier-6. I loved it when I was little. Ok, mainly for the little cow herds.
https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/1983/frontier-6
I will absolutely say, even the board games I wouldn’t rate as good I have still had a great time playing and would happily play again if I was with a group of people and that’s what they wanted to do. In the end, what equals fun with your friends doesn’t always line up with what are considered good game design principles.
On a more general board games note, for pickup games: Board Game Cafés are a thing.
https://www.snakesandlattes.com/
(And, when I looked at the source code for their web site, I found a comment in it:
<!– — — — — — — — — — — — — —
_____ _
/ ____| | |
| (___ _ __ __ _| | _____ ___
\___ \| ‘_ \ / _` | |/ / _ \/ __|
____) | | | | (_| | < | |___| (_| | |_| || __/\__ \
\___/\/ |______\__,_|\__|\__\___||___/
======================================
* T E C H *
======================================
Shall we play a game?
— — — — — — — — — — — — — –>
That’s a lot of work for something that most people won’t see. And I recognize Figlet character generation in there.)
Dang it, the <pre> tag isn’t supported, so the formatting got messed up.
Hmm, does this work?
– — — — — — — — — — — — — —_____ _
/ ____| | |
| (___ _ __ __ _| | _____ ___
\___ \| ‘_ \ / _` | |/ / _ \/ __|
____) | | | | (_| | < | |___| (_| | |_| || __/\__ \
\___/\/ |______\__,_|\__|\__\___||___/
======================================
* T E C H *
======================================
Shall we play a game?
— — — — — — — — — — — — — –
Also, it’s not that much work to generate this kind of ascii art text these days (tons of online generators out there), but if it’s older it’s a little more impressive.
@Jenora: I <3 board game cafes, they are so fun. That's where I played HeroQuest for the first time!
@ jenora
That does sound really interesting. I’ll try and track it down before Christmas. I know it’s a bit of a cliché but we do like to do board games then. Credo does sound very different from our usual fayre though. (There’s a gang of us and we operate a ‘black ball’ veto system on activities; so every year we end up playing 221b Baker Street and watching Galaxy Quest and Lake Placid)
Credo sounds fun! I know a bunch of theology geeks who would probably get a big kick out of it.
I’m not a fan of Pandemic (or similar games like Forbidden Desert) since, in my experience, all the decisions end up being made by the most experienced and loudest player, while everyone else is basically unnecessary. Maybe that’s just my experience of it, but it makes me not really want to play it much again.
My favourite cooperative games are Battlestar Galactica and Betrayal at House on the Hill (mentioned earlier) since they have traitors. The presence of a traitor makes all the difference: it means that the game is less about working out game mechanics and more about predicting other players’ motivations. To me, this is the fun bit.
My favourite German-style board game of all time is Dominion. I would highly recommend it to anyone who enjoys board games. Like Catan it’s pleasingly abstract and easy to learn; unlike Catan it doesn’t have kingmaking or frustrating amounts of randomness. On a purely kinesthetic level, it also involves drawing and shuffling cards a lot, which makes my hands happy.
@SFHC
If i weren’t so attached to MIDDLE NAME DANGER, I’d def go with NEOLIBERALLY SHILLARIOUS or DIOLIBERAL BRANDO or summat…
I’m really peeved that the world’s mangriest bros keep degrading the political discourse. Literally everyone they don’t like is neolib scum, but don’t you dare recognize a nazi for what they are. Ugh
Shit, i have fun valiantly losing too. Yes, you have Boardwalk, the Railroads, and some hotels. And, sure, I’m in jail and barely living off your electricity payments. Fuck you, Warbucks! Wait til i get outta here and pass go one time. Then, we’ll see ?
…
THAT IS THE BEST THING EVER HOLY HELL.