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By David Futrelle
I don’t even know how to begin to summarize this very long and very creepy post from the Relationship Advice subreddit from a male boss who seems just a teensy weensy bit too “concerned” about a female employee’s relationship with her boyfriend.
So you’re going to just have to read it for yourself. But here’s a fun game you can play as you make your way through it: See how many paragraphs you can get through before your skin starts to crawl!
![Me [32M] with my coworker/friend [24/F] of one year, how do I let her know she is in an abusive relationship with her bf[24m] (self.relationship_advice) submitted 1 day ago by menumessages So a little background to start off with: I work for a nonprofit where I'm the supervisor of 10 people that work under me. Last fall a young woman, lets call her Jennifer started to work with us through an outside fellowship. Now she's the kind of person that just commands attention as soon as she walks into the room. She is very pretty but just has one of those personalities that everyone likes you know? I had to train her when she first started but was very surprised by how quickly she picked everything up. We do a lot of legal work and it's not easy for people without previous experience to learn so quickly. So this should give you a good idea of the kind of person she is. I immediately took a liking to her because of her work but also how easy she was to talk to. During our training, I would say we became pretty close. So much so that I would text her outside of work about non work related stuff. Also she sends me snapchats a lot, random stuff like shows shes watch like friends do. We even go to happy hour alone sometimes and I think I am the closest to her at work. One time she even had lunch with my mom and I when my mom was visiting town. So she is someone I consider a very good friend and want the best for her. Now here's the problem. About two months into her working with us, I found out she has a boyfriend. TO CLARIFY I DO NOT HAVE ANY ROMANTIC INTERESTS AND DO NOT CARE THAT SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND. I really don't care that she has a boyfriend but felt a little manipulated that she never mentioned him before. I am supervisor, been training her for a few months, we have been talking about a lot of stuff so it just comes off as hiding something. People who work in small offices will know what I'm talking about. It was a little hard for me to trust her after that but I kept it to myself. She was still a great employee and her having a boyfriend did not change anything because apparently she has been with this guy for 5 years now. He doesn't live in the same city and they barely see each other from what I understand. So months go by and everything is going really well. So much so that I was even thinking about recommending her for a promotion. We became even closer during this time. About two weeks ago our parent group is hosted a fundraising gala. I asked Jennifer if she wold like to go with me and she said yes. I always have a great time with her so I was really looking forward to it. The night of the gala I called to see when I should pick her up and she said her boyfriend was in town and he would drop her off so she will just meet me there. This is the first red flag I noticed. Is this guy really that insecure that he can't even let her date take her to this gala? Five years and this insecure? That's a problem. But I just agree and say okay I will meet her there. I get to the gala and start to mingle. She eventually gets there but I don't approach her. Honestly, still pretty bothered by what happened earlier so I wanted her to come to me and apologize. She came up to me and we talked but she never apologized for what she did but I ignored it. Soon we were talking just like before and honestly really enjoying each other's company. Here's when I noticed the second red flag. Jennifer and I were talking to another couple when she excused herself because she had to take a call from her boyfriend. I thought it was pretty rude and she has never done something like this before. A little later she comes back and says that her boyfriend is picking her up and she will leave early. THIRD RED FLAG. She was very much looking forward to this night and suddenly she wants to leave early? You know when you can just tell someone isn't happy in their situation? Yeah I definitely felt it right away. A little while later he gets there and I shit you not, this idiot walked into the gala wearing shorts and a t shirt. I almost wanted to laugh but I didn't want to embarrass him. Jennifer introduces me to him and I make pleasantries but I do make a joke about how must feel a little out of place. He says something like "nah, not really sticking around so not a big deal." Okay? I don't really get what that has to do with anything. My point was that he was at a black tie event dressed like he is going to the gym, I don't care if you're for five minutes or five hours, that's weird. So you can already see he is getting an attitude with me for no reason. I follow up with, "well there are some really important people here" and his response was something like, "I've met senators wearing flip flops, I think I'll be okay." Holy shit, I'm getting angry writing this. But you see what I'm talking about right? He completely rubbed me the wrong way. So anyways, as she is leaving, I tell her to let me know if she gets home okay. It gets around midnight and she hasn't sent me a single message. So I sent her a text and no reply. I sent her another around 1am saying I am worried and just to let me know if she is okay. No reply. I have a hard time sleeping that night because I am genuinely concerned. It's just the kind of person I am. I need to know my friends are okay or it bothers me. I wake up the next morning after getting really bad sleep and she still hasn't responded. This makes me upset because I can see she has uploaded pictures on facebook but yet won't respond to my text. The only explanation is that her boyfriend is the reason. She always responds to me and at most a few hours later. So Sunday night I finally send another message really detailing how upset I was with how she was treating me. Also how I think how much control I feel her boyfriend was exerting over her was really making me lose respect for her. I always thought she is this strong independent woman and suddenly this guy is controlling who she can or can't talk to. Of course I get no reply. Monday, inevitably we see each other at work and she confronts me the first thing in the morning. Before I even get a chance to speak, she says I made her uncomfortable and she wants to just finish her last two months of fellowship without any contact that is not necessary for work. This was about two weeks ago. I was really upset at first but honestly I've done a lot of reading. When you are in an abusive relationship, you stop seeing the world the way it is and only the way the abuser wants you to see. It makes me really sad that I am losing a good friend because her boyfriend has insecurity issues. So a few concerns here. She started dating him 5 years ago meaning she was only 19 and therefore this is pretty much the only adult "relationship" she knows. Also the guy is a lobbyist! She wants to work in public service, help immigrants and refugees but yet dates a lobbyist? Does she really not see the contradiction here? I think over the past five years he has done a good job gaslighting her and it's to the point where it's affecting her relationship with other people and it breaks my heart to see this happen to a good friend. My question is this: what is the best approach to let her know of these concerns I have? How can you make someone who refuses to see reality to actually see what is happening? I have spoken to my mother and we both agree it would be best that she is also there when I approach Jennifer. However, do you think it should just be me alone or it would be better having a motherly figure also there to talk about something this serious? And if we have this conversation and she still refuses to break up with her abusive boyfriend, what are the final steps that I should take? To be frank, I'm not sure I can remain friends with her if she continues to date him. I'm simply not the kind of person who will stick by someone who is willingly ruining their own life. I can't stop thinking about this and haven't gotten any work done today. I really look forward to your suggestions and thank you for all your help. For any of you that are currently in an abusive relationship, get out before it's too late. tl;dr: My pretty good friend is in an abusive relationship but won't notice it. How do I get her to notice for her own good but also the future of our friendship?](https://i0.wp.com/www.wehuntedthemammoth.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/boss1-e1500062317524.png?ssl=1)
Yipes.
In the movie Election, the main characters periodically break frame for brief “confessionals” in which they explain what they think is going on; it doesn’t take long to figure out that, well, they have no idea what’s really going on, and their little monologues are at once self-serving and completely un-self-aware.
Boss man has outdone all of them here.
H/T — @leyawn
I… I mean… words fail me.
Oh, and assuming the opening line counts as one, I got truly skeeved starting at Paragraph Five. Three and Four were both lightly irksome (boss tiptoeing across professional boundaries), but they weren’t showing hard red flags to me. But this line: “felt a little bit manipulated that she never mentioned [her boyfriend] before”? Yeah, that flag’s so large and red it’s visible from orbit.
Of course, the “protest too much” bolded denial of romantic interest, in the same paragraph, was also kind of a tip-off–especially since if, as it claims, he has no romantic interest, why the fuck would he feel ‘manipulated’ by her keeping her relationship secret? Does he actually know that he’s a seething creep who perpetually comes across as trying to create a romantic relationship, and has no idea how to stop it, and therefore assumes that she believed him to be interested in her, even though he totally wasn’t, you guys, not even a little bit?
On a less jarring point, I love the fact that he thinks the ‘good guys’ (ie, those who work for progressive causes) have no use for lobbyists, or for that matter, that couples sometimes actually disagree about social or political issues.
He wants to bring his mother into this?! And Mother supposedly agrees with this?!
Holy shit, the mental gymnastics on this one! It’s good to see he’s getting the negative responses he deserves. I guess Reddit isn’t a complete landfill fire. Just mostly.
I mean, he has a point, she is in some sort of abusive relationship (with the author of the post).
“This dude posting on Reddit” could probably describe every worst boss of the week ever.
@K
Reading both the post (and the stuff about his mother) he really sounds like a friend I went to high school with.
(His mother is still VERY overly involved in his life, and spent most of our friendship hating me because I did not thank her directly for some flowers she bought for him to give me, when he was trying to date me).
I think it’s pretty obvious she faked a call from her boyfriend to have an excuse to leave early because she stopped having fun/decided she wanted a polite way to go home/had another commitment she hasn’t mentioned.
The creepiness is just oozing all over me, ugh.
I read through the whole thing like a mock read. Current status: “Wee woo wee whoo projection alert creepazoid senses rising” for fuck’s sake I hope “Jennifer” is alright and a thousand miles away from this person.
Okay, so this might be an unpopular opinion but I think everyone is fair game where romance is concerned. I know plenty of people who got together with someone else whilst trying to get out of an abusive relationship. And just because you’re married to someone doesn’t mean you now own that person and, no matter what you do, you’re entitled to their faithfullness. Being a relationship, married or not, demands that you show affection towards your SO instead of taking them for granted.
That being said this guy is possessive, controlling and paranoid. Three easily found and common traits among abusive people. I do not blame the girl for not responding or “keeping things from him”. Also, I wonder if this was reciprocal or whether this is just the guy’s perception of things. This wouldn’t be the very first delusional incel we’ve come across.
I’m not familiar with this subreddit, but r/relationships mostly gives pretty good advice
Reading some of the responses to his previous postings of this on different subreddits…
Quoting from a reddit poster:
So this is what, the fifth or sixth version of this he’s posted, hoping to get people to agree she might be being abused by boyfriend.
Current top post on OP’s message history
*Record scratch sound*
Yeah, uh, no.
This is one of those self-described “nice guys”, I suppose.
There are plenty of lobbyists who work for progressive causes. Not enough, unfortunately, but they exist.
Funny how I just learned that two of my coworkers are dating and I had no clue for a year and a half, and yet I do not feel betrayed one bit. It’s almost like it’s none of my business.
I don’t think this guy is totally unreachable like your standard MRA, so hopefully some stern ladies on Reddit sit this guy down and have a long chat about boundaries and self-awareness.
Clearly he was being an ass at the gala and his coworker called her boyfriend to get her away from him, hence the ignoring of his texts. She dodged a bullet for sure, especially since he claims to have lost respect for her for being in an “abusive relationship”. God forbid she be in an actual abusive relationship. It’s pretty obvious she wouldn’t be getting any help from this douche.
K., I suspect that his mother is familiar with him and his winning ways. She’s already met the unfortunate young woman, and would probably gaslight her as emphatically as her son does.
The chorus of horrified responses is indeed gratifying. The only thing better would be for the boss to experience a sudden rush of brains to the head, make like a shepherd and back the flock up.
1st sentence, 2nd clause. Hate when people say that others work ‘under’ them. Red flag indeed…
@Diego
Objection! Relevance? Like, I really don’t know what point you’re tryna make by saying that, now, and in relation to this
It’s me again, Hank the Cowdog…
http://viralsocialbuzz.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/14513783605292-anigif_enhanced-buzz-17078-1401497380-4.gif
Diego Duarte:
This might be an unpopular opinion, but I quite like broccoli.
Aaaaahhhhh, I’m so thrilled I’m about 25 years too old to be entangled in this sort of BS. God Bless!!
Yep, that’s how far I made it, too. Then it just went on and on piling more bullshit on top of bullshit. YOUR MOM, DUDE??
That was obvious to me, too. And what’s with feeling like she owes an apology for getting a ride to the event??? Most people find that considerate.
Blech, run, don’t walk, Ms. Fellowship Non-Profit Worker.
@Moggie
It might be an unpopular opinion, but I LURVE roasted brussels sprouts. Like, addicted-love. Like, OMG HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITHOUT THESE? love.
When I was in kindergarten I had a huge crush on a cute girl. Found out after a few months that she wasn’t coming to my kindergarten just to see me, but she was really being PAID to show up every day (red flag!). She was also about 5 times my age (red flag!) and forced me to eat broccoli – and I didn’t even like broccoli back then! Red flag number three! Once I told her I was allergic to tomatoes, but really I just didn’t like the taste and I didn’t wanna be forced to eat them. Then she told everybody that I was allergic to tomatoes, and then I wasn’t allowed to have ketchup!
tl;dr Fuck you, Monica! I am married now and drink ketchup straight from the bottle. You’re not even my REAL MOM anyway!
@Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Simply the following: it’s not the fact that he was making a pass at a woman already in a relationship what I find creepy in this whole thing. That is relative. Consenting adults are free to do what they want.
What is creepy is the attitude that he is somehow entitled to her attention or that she apparently had an “obligation” to let him know she was in a relationship.
What’s creepy is that he’s possessive, manipulative and paranoid. What’s creepy is that he’s abusing a position of power to assert himself in the personal life and space of others.
And I feel the need to make this distinction because I’ve known plenty of people, some of them in my family, who’ve essentially cheated (for lack of a better word) whilst in the middle of an abusive relationship because they were either (i) unappreciated by their spouses; (ii) had been repeatedly cheated on; (iii) had been verbally, emotionally and physically abused.
Okay, unpopular opinion but Port Salut is definitely the best cheese. Now where were we?
This man’s interpretation of everything is fucked up. The woman has her boyfriend drop her off at the gala and he assumes it’s because the boyfriend is trying to control her. In contrast, I’m assuming that the woman wanted to spend as much time as she could with her boyfriend during one of those (rare?) moments he’s in town, and one way to maximize that is to stay with him right up to the point where he drops her off at the gala.
I’m also pretty sure that taking calls — especially from family members and loved ones — at a gala is pretty normal behavior. I mean, it’s fully of Extremely Important People(tm), yes? I doubt any of them turned off their mobile phones or otherwise put their Extremely Important Calls(tm) off until later, either.
I’m also rolling my eyes at how incensed the guy is that the boyfriend showed up at the gala in shorts, like it’s a personal affront to HIM. Dude, stop pretending you’re offended on behalf of all those other Extremely Important People(tm). Either they don’t care or they’d have addressed it themselves.
This might be an unpopular opinion, but I’m not a fan of puppies.
As far as when my skin started to crawl, it was when he was describing how “close” he and this lady had become, and every sentence began to include “even.” “We EVEN have drinks sometimes! We EVEN both breathe oxygen! We EVEN agree that flesh-eating bacteria is scary!”