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And the Incomprehensible Racist Gibberish award for this week goes to …

Once upon a time creepy white dudes tried to encourage women to GAIN weight

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By David Futrelle

The former-pickup-artist-turned-racist-shitgibbon James “Heartiste” Weidmann has long been a reliable producer of nearly incomprehensible gibberish. But he’s outdone himself with a little rant he recently appended to a post attacking a dude for coming to the defense of his overweight girlfriend online.

The gist of it, as far as I can tell, is that white dudes should continue fat shaming white women mercilessly, lest our glorious white race split in two. But somehow he makes this awful idea even awfuller by stretching it out over two gloriously incoherent paragraphs. You may need a stiff drink after reading this:

What we are witnessing is the rapid evolutionary split of White America into two racial classes, the El-Aloi (pure White and jewish-hybrid globorace) and the Mudlocks (LSMV fat White chicks slapping a saggital-headed horde of mystery meatballs from the comfort of their Walmart cruisers). Some argue this is best for the White race, because a culling of the dregs further purifies and focuses the minds of the milky cream at the top. I disagree. Allowing and even celebrating the racial jettisoning of our worst kin instead of resisting the broken society that encourages their defiant retreat into depravity will have upstream effects that will reverberate for generations, infecting every member of the race from bottom to top.

The best solution is ending the female obesity epidemic so that a vast blight-wing enstupidation doesn’t take hold in our homeland and despoil the natural beauty. Maybe the day will come when we have no choice but to sever ties with our unlucky kin and kith, but for now there’s still time left to ennoble our worst to aspire to something better. But it won’t happen if our currently operative noblesse malice isn’t replaced soon by a return to noblesse oblige.

Yes, he did just say that harassing white women about their weight is a form of noblesse oblige.

I’m sure he said even worse elsewhere in the rant, but with prose this terrible it’s hard to tell.

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Bonnie McDaniel
Bonnie McDaniel
3 years ago

That sounds like a bad H.G. Wells parody.

Iseult The Idle
Iseult The Idle
3 years ago

Yeah, he never makes a lot of sense. I always picture him gibbering away on a bar stool, convinced he’s holding court a la Oscar Wilde.

Aussiesmurf
3 years ago

“enstupidation” ??

I’ll take “made up words by someone desperately trying to sound smart” for $1,000.00, thanks Alex.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
3 years ago

saggital-headed

I’ve always quite fancied a sagittal crest; I think it’d suit me.

Ooglyboggles
3 years ago

A quartet of screeching Macaws is more pleasurable than this tripe. “We must preserve our white unity, or else the toxic society of non whites will poison us all wih thoughts of racial diversity and equality for all.”

Grogepi
Grogepi
3 years ago

I suppose a white nationalist spirit “embiggens” the littlest troll.

Dodom
Dodom
3 years ago

I wish more people actually read the Time Machine instead of relying on the movie.
The novel deplored the growing wealth disparity in his society and illustrated it as destroying its members’ humanity*. The gentle but useless Elois evolved from the ruling class, while the Morlock, while brutal, kept the ability to create, and kept the Elois around as cattle. That book isn’t about some spontaneous degeneracy, it’s talking about literally eating the rich.

*: It’s more obvious if one reads his other novels in the same timeline.

History Nerd
History Nerd
3 years ago

Advertisement for advice from Heartiste:

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PeeVee the (Perpetually Ignored, Invisible but Noice) Sarcastic
PeeVee the (Perpetually Ignored, Invisible but Noice) Sarcastic
3 years ago

Anyone have a handy Jimmygobblygook to English dictionary?

He uses (mostly) words I recognize, but the order he puts them in are twelve shades of fucked up. What a mess.

dreemr
dreemr
3 years ago

“lest our glorious white race split in two twain.

Sorry, just, with Ye Olde Heartiste, it’s kinda begging for “twain”. But you twied.

I’ll see myself out.

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
3 years ago

The fuck?

@dreemr
He def shoulda used twain…

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
3 years ago
R
R
3 years ago

What is El-Aloi? Does he mean aioli?

And I like how none of these people are concerned with obesity in literally anyone but women/girls.

Scildfreja Unnýðnes
Scildfreja Unnýðnes
3 years ago

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weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

female obesity epidemic

Judging from manosphere “thought” you’d think that only women are getting fatter. There isn’t a female obesity epidemic. Humans of all genders are getting fatter. As are pets, lab animals and wild animals that live near human populations. I doubt this has anything to do with feminism or racial diversity but instead is related to what’s in our food.

AsAboveSoBelow
AsAboveSoBelow
3 years ago

Shartiste knows that fat admiration is a thing, right? Does he want the painter Rubens thrown out of the Great White Western Tradition for his obvious preference for plump women? Along with, like, half the other artists in “the canon”?

The archive.is link isn’t working for me, David. Anyone else having a problem?

Helix_luco
Helix_luco
3 years ago

… slapping meatballs?

Robert Walker-Smith
Robert Walker-Smith
3 years ago

Saggital headed?!

I know he was trying for sagittal crest, which is a feature of some robust primates, but the misspelling and misuse combine to reveal him as a posturing clotpoll. ‘Milky cream at the top’ is just lagniappe.

Is El-Aloi an airline from a dystopian far future? Do Mudlocks come from poorly drained subterranean lairs? Is Heartiste such a repellent cartoon character that he owes Dav Pilkey royalties? These questions and more are of no interest!

Vucodlak
Vucodlak
3 years ago

A short list of words Heartiste uses that he clearly doesn’t understand:

evolutionary- No, it doesn’t work that way

racial- That isn’t how this works

classes- That’s not how any of this works

sagittal- I’m going to guess he’s saying they… don’t lay eggs? I’ve already put more thought into this that he did.

culling- So they’re “culling” by having sex and/or babies? No. Stop that. There lies the language, broken and bleeding upon the floor, and you just reach in a yank out a spleen and put it on your head? SPLEENS ARE NOT HATS.

purifies- if it’s a “milky cream” then it’s not exactly pure, is it? You’d need some sort of skimmer for that, and all you’ve got is the sledgehammer you typed this with.

focuses- Invalid. “Milky cream” lacks either lenses or cognition, and cannot focus.

minds- We’re still with the “milky cream,” which doesn’t have a mind of any kind. That’s why it doesn’t protest being banished to your crusty socks.

jettisoning- I think we’re back to the spleen hats. Again, spleens =/= hats.

depravity- One doesn’t “retreat into depravity,” even defiantly. One walks in boldly with their head held high, ‘else it isn’t depravity.

upstream- By which, of course, he means downstream. From here, he then proceeds to misunderstand how sound works, how generations work, and the direction in which shit rolls, but really, it’s all an extension of his river metaphor fail.

Well, I’ve reached my limit. I can safely say that it’s not a cookbook, but I still wouldn’t go back to his home planet for all the milky cream on Planet X.

MexicanHotChocolate
MexicanHotChocolate
3 years ago

Cream rises to the top because it’s FAT and less dense than the rest of the milk, which is mostly water.

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
3 years ago

There must be some natural law that cranks only get crankier over time.

Lea
Lea
3 years ago

The funniest part?
Fartiste is fat.

the real cie
3 years ago

I’d fart in his general direction, but I’m afraid he’d enjoy it.

GrumpyOld SocialJusticeMangina
GrumpyOld SocialJusticeMangina
3 years ago

Tsk, tsk, Lea. Women are fat. Men are portly. Fartiste just blubbers.

Sup
Sup
3 years ago

R,

These menfolkz would be concerned with obesity in themselves, but someone’s gotta eat those cheetos and chug that ‘Dew.

Moggie
Moggie
3 years ago

Aussiesmurf:

“enstupidation” ??

I’ll take “made up words by someone desperately trying to sound smart” for $1,000.00, thanks Alex.

There’s nothing wrong with using an occasional made-up word for comedic effect. The problem with Shartiste’s writing style (from my point of view) isn’t a word here or there, it’s cumulative. It’s the total weight, which makes reading one of his paragraphs feel like slogging up a hill wearing a heavy pack. He’s clearly not a fan of that advice given to aspiring writers: “kill your darlings”.

EJ (the Scheming Liberal Race-Traitor)

a vast blight-wing enstupidation

*puzzled giraffe noises*

Wetherby
Wetherby
3 years ago

As someone who’s been a professional copy-editor in the past, I’m profoundly grateful that I’ve never had to process something as bad as this. Not least because I instinctively know that he’d be the worst kind of client, overweeningly precious about every single word and aggressively challenging even the tiniest tweaks.

He’s the prose equivalent of Florence Foster Jenkins, so tone-deaf that he has no idea that the mellifuousness in his head comes across as a group of yowling cats testing their claws on a blackboard to anyone else.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

Oh no. I have a centipede phobia. I just turned out my light and was trying to drift off when a centipede ran across my bed, inches from my body. I saw it by the light of my computer as I always fall asleep to TV shows or movies to keep my mind from racing too much to sleep. I screamed and bolted out of bed, turned on the light and killed it with a shoe. I got a paper towel to pick up the body with and went back to the kitchen to throw it out. I was reaching to turn off the light when what did I see on the wall next to my bed? That’s right. ANOTHER FUCKING CENTIPEDE. I succesfully killed that one too. But I don’t think I’m going to be able to get to sleep anytime soon. I’m definitely leaving the light on. All I can think of is hundreds of creepy legs crawling on me.

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Kimstu
Kimstu
3 years ago

@Helix_luco:

… slapping meatballs?

My white-supremacist-shithead-to-English autotranslator explains it thusly:

“LSMV fat White chicks slapping a saggital-headed horde of mystery meatballs” = “not-swimsuit-model-thin women of European descent physically disciplining their racially mixed children whom the author alleges to be of multiple and/or unknown paternity”.

YV
YV
3 years ago

Wasn’t the whole point of the El-Alois that, yes, they were pretty and friendly, but also kind of dumb and useless? Is that really what this guy wants to be like? Or does pale skin and blond hair just cancel out all bad qualities in these guys’ minds?

Otrame
Otrame
3 years ago

@ Vucodlac

That was lovely. I literally loled. I agree that spleens make poor hats and that Heartist’s writing style would be pretty funny if he was trying to be funny. The fact that the racist, sexist asshole is trying for eloquent is both pathetic and hilarious.

kupo
kupo
3 years ago

I guess I’ve been slapping a saggital-headed horde of mystery meatballs without even knowing it.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
3 years ago

@ Robert

a feature of some robust primates

That’s me. Told you I’d suit one.

Violet the Vile
Violet the Vile
3 years ago

“Mystery meatballs” in “milky cream”

*vomits*

Also:

I have an idea. We want people to settle on the Moon or Mars, right? Why don’t we just tell all the MGTOWs and racists that it’s an all-white colony? They’ll sign up straight away! Then they can get to live out their survivalist fantasies and we can enjoy the planet without them. Everyone is happy.

If we pitch it as “the best moon colony, where all the best people go, and here is your chance to be the first man to be in charge of an entire new planet” we could probably even get Trump to sign up.

Ledasmom
Ledasmom
3 years ago

Violet: Well, it’s perfectly true that, at the moment, there are absolutely no non-white people on Mars. That should be enough to get the Fartiste types to sign up.

ert
ert
3 years ago

It says a lot how these people don’t care about helping fat women so much as helping themselves.

Dormousing_it
Dormousing_it
3 years ago

I used to wonder, when I was younger, if intermixing the races to the extent they ceased to exist as separate entities, would be the way to go. Today, I’ve changed my mind. The Heartiste types simply want to feel superior to someone, anyone. If it wasn’t race, it would be something else.

Does anyone remember Jane Fonda’s ex-husband? I know she’s got more than one. His name, I think, was Tom Hayden? He was an anti-Vietnam war radical, and a little to the left of Chairman Mao. I’ve read that one of his wishes was that the white race disappear, non-violently, through assimilation.

@WWTH

Centipedes. One of them was in my soapdish once. I didn’t have my glasses on, and I thought it was a frayed shoelace. I almost fainted when I touched it, and saw what it was.

There’s plenty of millipedes lurking in my basement, too.

I’ve seen moths with truly impressive wingspans, and don’t get me started on the bats.

Moggie
Moggie
3 years ago

Violet the Vile:

I have an idea. We want people to settle on the Moon or Mars, right? Why don’t we just tell all the MGTOWs and racists that it’s an all-white colony? They’ll sign up straight away! Then they can get to live out their survivalist fantasies and we can enjoy the planet without them. Everyone is happy.

I suppose we would first need to establish a sustainable population of seagulls there, though.

Victorious Parasol
Victorious Parasol
3 years ago

Re the MGTOWs settling the Moon or Mars, isn’t there an international treaty in place about not littering either of those?

Monzach
Monzach
3 years ago

Now, I’m not entirely sure that this is the case, but the only explanation that I can think of for the “El-Aloi” and the “Mudlocks” would be a horrible appropriation of the names of the two “post-human” species in “The Time-Machine” by H. G. Wells, namely the Eloi and the Murlocks (I believe). Of these species the Eloi were gracile and had some vestiges of culture left in them, despite them not having a language any more. The Murlocks on the other hand were subterranean, robust and savage, entirely devoid of culture and equally devoid of language. I haven’t read “The Time-Machine” in a few years now, so I may have made some mistakes in the characteristics as well as the spelling of the names, but I believe that all-in-all I’m quite close to the mark. 🙂

No points are of course available to the person who can “guess” the reason why the names of the groups are the way they are in Heartiste’s screed, nor why they have picked the descriptions the way that he has.

MrsObedMarsh
MrsObedMarsh
3 years ago

Fat shaming doesn’t even work most of the time. If anything, it causes people to gain a few pounds. If you want people to lose weight and keep it off, the best way is to actively support them – being their workout buddy, eating healthy food with them, letting them know you’re their friend no matter their size, etc. – but that would require compassion, which Heartise and his Nazi friends aren’t capable of. But it’s much easier to make fat girls feel bad than to actually fix their problems.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
3 years ago

@ dormousing_it

if intermixing the races to the extent they ceased to exist as separate entities

There’s a Robert Silverberg book set in the far future where the racists gave up because you needed a computer to work out who to be racist against.

Diego Duarte
Diego Duarte
3 years ago

I wish more people actually read the Time Machine instead of relying on the movie.
The novel deplored the growing wealth disparity in his society and illustrated it as destroying its members’ humanity*. The gentle but useless Elois evolved from the ruling class, while the Morlock, while brutal, kept the ability to create, and kept the Elois around as cattle. That book isn’t about some spontaneous degeneracy, it’s talking about literally eating the rich.

Same thing with Jurassic Park. Crichton, in the novel was extremely critical of capitalism. Mr. Hammond, the park owner who is played as some sort of childish, naïve and benevolent Santa Claus figure is actually a callous capitalist asshole in the novel. The man at one point gripes about the regulatory mess and expenses that came about from a velociraptor attack on one of his workers, due to skimming on security costs.

Likewise, Nedry, the overweight guy who steals the dinosaur DNA in the movies and plays the villain role, is the owner of a small company in the novels. He is not a Jurassic Park employee (because Hammond outsources this job) and he is practically forced to work for free for Hammond because his security systems predictably failed because he wasn’t told he was designing these systems to keep dinosaurs in check. At one point he references that he will be forced to make his workers labor during the christmas holidays, with no extra pay, because if not Hammond will put out negative reviews on his company.

Dormousing_it
Dormousing_it
3 years ago

@Alan Robertshaw

Around the time of the 2000 US census (I think that was the year), there was something in the news to the effect that, of all the Americans who checked Caucasian as their race on the census forms, about one sixth had African-American ancestry they were unaware of. Or, maybe it was one fifth?

RE: That old weight-gain ad. I love how she gains the weight “in all the right places”. Namely, her breasts. Damn, that’s the LAST place I gain weight. I probably gain weight in my EARLOBES before I gain it in my chest. Although, that’s one good thing about being menopausal…I do have a little more weight, up top.

Weird (Encouraged by the RESISTANCE!!!!) Eddie
Weird (Encouraged by the RESISTANCE!!!!) Eddie
3 years ago

These folks can be a bit dramatic, but, after all, they’re trying to save Western Civilization!!!

History Nerd
History Nerd
3 years ago

@Diego

I hear the novels Jurassic Park and The Lost World are much darker than the films. Ian Malcolm in the books is an arrogant asshole who thinks he’s smarter than everyone else, for example.

bluecat
bluecat
3 years ago

Anyone else think “El Aloi” is a garbled reading of HG Wells’ Eloi bumping against a distant memory of Israel’s national airline El Al… somewhere in Heartiste’s saggital crest perhaps?

Or does he mean “alloy”?

Diego Duarte
Diego Duarte
3 years ago

I hear the novels Jurassic Park and The Lost World are much darker than the films. Ian Malcolm in the books is an arrogant asshole who thinks he’s smarter than everyone else, for example.

Really? I think he was much more likeable in the books than in the movies, where they made him out to be some sort of rockstar and playboy. I might have to re-read them but he didn’t seem one bit arrogant to me.

But yes, the books are much darker but also have much more content and make very valid criticisms of the economic system and unethical practices within the medical field. Both books were a great read.

Also, in the book Hammond is not even slightly worried about his grandkids. He is more concerned about his damn park.

Scildfreja Unnyðnes
Scildfreja Unnyðnes
3 years ago

@bluecat, I think he went “Eloi” -> “Aloi” because A = Aryan, and “Murlock” -> “Mudlock” because it’s a gross racist term for someone of mixed heritage, i.e. has “muddied” blood.

Anyone who says that calling them Nazis is hyperbolic and harmful isn’t hecking paying attention.

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