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By David Futrelle
So the fellows over on the Men Going Their Own Way subreddit are discussing just how much they TOTALLY REFUSE to have sex with women older than 25 — not to worry, fellas, women over 25 don’t want to have sex with you either — and one fellow resorts to an interesting if perhaps imperfect metaphor in order to explain why he at least hypothetically prefers fresh young 18-year-olds to jaded 25-year-old “cock carousel” riders.
![Mikveh 4 points 21 hours ago My logic is such that I imagine a typical girl fucks 12 chads per year, 1 per month, not because she is a slut, just because she knows she has to put out for chad or he will lose interest. So the younger they are, I figure the less cock they've ridden....would you rather have a new pepsi bottle, or one that had taken 12 penises per year since the age of 18? I figure i'd rather drink a pepsi that had 12 penises in it, rather than at the age of 25 say 84 penises(12*7years) permalinkembedunsavereportgive goldreply [–]Onkel_Adolf 10 points 21 hours ago i'd rather drink a pepsi that had 12 penises in it permalinkembedsaveparentreportgive goldreply [–]ififcanIhaveacoatplz 4 points 20 hours ago It bears repeating](https://i0.wp.com/www.wehuntedthemammoth.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/penises-e1499389564757.png?ssl=1)
So many questions! Were these 12 penises just dipped in the Pepsi bottle or are they all still stuffed inside of it? How do you squeeze a normal-sized penis through the narrow bottleneck? Would the number of acceptable penises per bottle increase or decrease if the bottle contained Coke or RC Cola or Dr. Pepper instead of Pepsi?
The most important question: How do I get the image of a Pepsi bottle stuffed with penises out of my head?
On a slightly more serious note, I would like to point out that Mikveh’s notion of how many sex partners the typical young women has by the age of 25 is utterly and completely fantastical.
Here’s the actual breakdown of the number of sex partners 25 to 29 year-old American women typically have had, according to a large-scale and widely cited study called the General Social Survey.
As you can see, the number of women that age with 84 sexual partners is more or less zero; it’s literally off the chart. (Presumably sex workers are not included in the survey.) The average number of sexual partners American woman have had by the time they hit their late twenties? Four.
I generated the chart above using a little chart-generator on Slate designed to tell you if “Your Sexual History [Is] As Impressive As You Think.” Try it yourself!
@Moggie, Alan Robertshaw
That’s exactly what I thought! No one is going to attempt to break, or cut, the bottle. I mean, I don’t have the anatomy, but I can IMAGINE.
I do have an idea…since cold causes shrinkage, how about you get a bucket full of ice, and stick both coke bottle and penis into it. Maybe that would do the trick.
Scildfreja, you’re alive and well!
My news: I now live across the street from the Arctic Ocean (across the street and a mud flat at low tide). It’s all thawed, but there’s still snow visible across Frobisher Bay.
There are *so many children here*.
My kitties survived this ridiculously stressful move. The adventurous one enjoyed the scenery on the flight in:
http://i.imgur.com/WRcxjVC.jpg
As for drinks, I’ve been trying out not drinking caffeine for the week. I’m not sure if I’ll repeat the experience.
Late to the party, as usual…
My tipple of choice is Diet Coke, only I limit myself to one can a day because of the caffeine and my teeth.
Next favourite is dandelion & burdock, which doesn’t seem to be popular in SE England, but I associate it with my Northern dad. No idea if it’s even known outside the UK. Plus it sounds like it ought to be healthy (which I doubt).
The ph of soda is around 2.5, while the pH of the human stomach is 1.5 to 3.5 (lower ph = more acidic). Your stomach can handle it. 🙂
I posted a link to case study about people who do such things with bottles and penises, and wind up in emergency rooms (at age 68 and surely other ages). It’s not just “urban myth”. Page 2, search for “Cat Business” click on the link below the “CW: Way too much medical information about bottles and penes”. Turns out that it was harder than expected to get the ring off. Warning: way too much medical information, NSFW, though no blood seemed to be visible (it’s mostly betadine I think).
After that pun, and link, click on the Cat Business link in the same post for some recovery.
Did I mention the warning?
When Mountain Dew was introduced, it was pitched with a Hillbilly theme (because the caffeine was supposed to give it a kick, like moonshine).
First Mountain Dew commercial: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyu4Tpoq8hc
Alan, the thing I love (well, not really) about the “Women, Know your Limits” crap, is that the men aren’t saying women are dumber than men, but that women have to ACT dumber than men because it upsets their fragile egos.
My brother actually gave me this advice when I was 16 & he was 18. After I pointed out to him that he was wrong about something, he solemnly told me that I would never get a boyfriend because I was hurting a man’s pride by telling him he was wrong.
I never figured out why I would want a man who I had to pretend was smarter than me, why a man wouldn’t be ashamed to be patronized like this and why my pride wasn’t supposed to matter.
So how to score this, since I’m pansexual and male(ish)? How many penises have been in my Pepsi bottle? How many “Pepsis” have I put mine in?
So women I’ve put it in: 8
Women who’ve strapped one on and put it in me: 1
Men I’ve put it in: 3
Men who’ve put it in me: 5
Now what about blowjobs? Because if we’re counting my mouth as a separate Pepsi bottle then I don’t even know where to start. Where does cunnilingus fit in this? I’m so confused!
Yay for Scildfreja again!
Regarding soda or pop, I don’t drink much of it. I’ve had the San Pellegrino’s blood orange soda (aranciata rossa) and it’s good. Need to find a place that does blood orange marmalade; haven’t had that in a while.
I also live just a few blocks from one of the major parts of Little Jamaica in Toronto (there’s a huge mural out near Eglinton and Marlee that’s a tribute to the local Reggae history) so ginger beer is easy to come by in all sorts of versions, along with at least two different brands of various other Caribbean-style sodas and drinks. (Someone makes a ginger-sorrel drink.) My grandmother introduced me to ginger beer when I was young via Canada Dry ‘Golden Cockerel’, and her favourite candies were chocolate covered candied gingers from Purdy’s. Ginger is a bit of a family thing with me, yes. Even for the stronger drinks. (Mmmmm, Crabbie’s…)
Should probably look for Irn Bru at some point.
Never really liked the taste of cola. Yes, I’m aware that makes me a heretic in the eyes of many.
With regards to the bottle, go to any large city emergency room and you will find staff who claim to have seen just about everything and have had to remove it from places in the body where it shouldn’t have gone. (One story I’ve heard involved a patient who managed to get a billiard ball into his mouth on a drunken dare, but not back out again. They had to crack the ball in half to get it back out without removing his teeth. Then they had to do it again later that same night because the still-drunk guy had been describing to other friends just how stupid he had been and apparently decided it was easier to demonstrate…)
JS, as a penis-haver I pre-noped your link.
I’ve never understood this compulsion some guys have to stick sensitive anatomy into hazardous objects: bottles, vacuum cleaners, car exhausts, bicycles etc. Who looks at a piece of metal or glass and thinks “that needs my cock in it”?
The Coke Museum in Atlanta, GA has a soda bar at the end that you can sample over 100 soda flavors from all around the world – including Lychee, Pine Nut and Fanta Pineapple.
https://www.worldofcoca-cola.com/explore/explore-inside/explore-taste-it/
(Lots of Fanta in GA, probably because they are owned by Coke.)
All this talk of Blood Orange soda made me think of Blood Orange martinis. A friend introduced me to them. They are made with blood orange juice (from Trader Joe’s, I think) and Blood Orange liqueur. I am not a martini fan, but these are damn good.
I’m a big ol’ outlier on the sex scale but then, I seem to have used up my libido before I hit 35 and am pretty much ace nowadays.
I’m another Coca-Cola fan. RC is okay and Pepsi is right out (too fruity.) I’m down to two small cans a week of Coke. The small cans cost the same as the regular 12-ouncers, but I’m not throwing a third of it away, so there’s that.
U.S. Fanta is too sweet and artificial in flavor for me, but Italian orange and lemon Fanta is yummy. Orangina is an acceptable substitute. I’ve gotten quite fond of kambucha lately, which is what I figure a shandy is supposed to tasted like (as opposed to what they do taste like.)
I now need to find Dry Soda, it sounds iiiiiinteresting!
@Ohlman
Nice one! like beta-reading for a favourite author … ::happy sigh::
@JS
I had a look at your link. Wow, is all I can say. I think, if I possessed a penis, I’d be more careful with it, than that. The article does say it’s rare, thank god. I wonder if any of these mishaps, caused any lasting damage.
Years ago, I heard an anecdote on the radio about a man who’d rigged up a hand-held electric sander to act as a sex toy. Well, in brief, when he ejaculated, the sander shorted out, electrocuting and killing him. The DJ’s take on it, was that at least he died happy.
My favourite soda is tonic water, with added gin (especially the local strawberry gin) At a pinch I can make do without the tonic water.
Do the ginger beer fans know that a home ginger beer plant is pretty simple? It means you get to control the amount of ginger, lemon and sugar for yourself. You do need a bit of patience and a bit of time.
Mostly I prefer fruit juice, or diluted fruit juice. I know i has too much sugar, but my idea is that it’s too much sugar with added vitamins, whereas soda is even more sugar with possible dodgy chemicals.
I’m fond of grape juice though. All right, fermented grape juice. In other words, wine.
Me too!
@JS: Kroger’s is the parent company of many other grocery chains besides Kroger’s itself. Maybe there’s one of those other stores nearer to you? (I don’t know if Kroger’s non-Kroger-named stores carry Kroger brands or not, but…)
Scild: Hurrah! Welcome back!
Mildlymagnificent and GrumpyOld: Many congratulations!
@Ivory Bill:
“The Fizzicist” makes me grin and grin and grin.
I am about to open a 2-liter diet Mountain Dew — does that get me banned from WHTM?
The first place I encountered the penis-stuck-in-a-bottle story was in the 1959 coming-of-age novel A Separate Peace — in that case, it was a master (teacher) at the prep school who solved the problem with a popsicle stick slid between bottle and dong to break the vacuum.
Ah, Jolt Cola. Back in my college days, two of my friends in the dorm started mixing it with 151 rum. We affectionately called the drink “The MF-er”. “Get really drunk, but can’t sleep it off due to the extra caffeine and sugar? MF-er!”
I’ll be the cheese who stands alone and say I actually prefer Pepsi to other colas. But not if the bottle includes a penis. (The love of Pepsi is a Detroit-Area Michigan thing, I think. The McDonald’s at Metro airport even has Pepsi instead of Coke).
And Vernors ginger ale is nectar of the gods, especially if you have an upset stomach. Growing up in Michigan, Vernors was the go-to first line of defense against colds, flu, and just about any other sickness.
N-thing the “welcome back” love for Schildfreya.
Winner, winner, chicken dinner.
Ah, yes, I remember those old “Mountain Dew” commercials very well.
Oddly enough, first time I ever drank one was on my one and only childhood vacation with my parents to the Ozarks. I had never tasted anything so delicious in my young life.
I’m not a fan now, though.
I love ginger beer. Not that bland Canada Dry or Schweppes stuff: ginger beer where you cut your tongue, the ginger taste is so sharp. That’s the ginger beer I love.
It’s funny, but the first time I had real ginger beer was when I picked up a bottle of Reeds at a tiny food co-op in Portland Oregon. it was amazing. Later they changed their recipe and made it milder and sweeter. I was disappoint. When they changed their recipe, they also added new sodas to their line – ginger beer with berries in it, etc. One was simply a super-spicy ginger beer with no extra flavours, just more ginger. They called it “Reed’s Extra Ginger Brew”. It was (and is) good. If I tasted it first, i might have had nothing but love for it. But it wasn’t the same as my first Reeds, my first gingery love.
So, like deranged, entitled lunatic, I wrote a letter to the company, explaining that I don’t mind that they are expanding their line, that I want them to be successful, but that I was disappointed that their two ginger-only sodas were now either sweeter and milder than the original or sharper and less sweet than the original. I explained, in my entitled way, my surpassing love for the beer they made first and my hope that some day they might make ginger beer according to that recipe once again.
Now, I wasn’t so entitled that I thought that they would actually make it just because of my letter. In fact, I was positively pessimistic. The main reason for my pessimism? They had named their first flavour “Reeds Original Ginger Brew” to express the idea that ginger beer hadn’t originally been the bland soda of the Canada Dry sort. Unfortunately, they didn’t rename it when they changed the recipe. So now they couldn’t add an “original” flavour to their line-up. Original was already in the name of a flavour different from the one they first made.
I forgot it about for some time, but eventually Reeds released a new flavour: Reeds Premium Ginger Brew.
I can’t know for sure because it was I don’t know how long between my last taste of the original Reeds Original and my first taste of Reeds Premium, but I’m pretty confident that it is, actually, the exact same recipe as that of the soda that made me first fall in love with ginger beer.
That has no relevance to the original post, of course, but ginger beer generally and Reeds Extra and Reeds Premium specifically are the only sodas I could ever get excited about drinking. And I say that in the full knowledge that somewhere out there is Dozen Dick Soda just waiting for me to try.
Sorry, Mikveh. But hey, more Dozen Dick Soda for you, right?
I’m rather fond of vanilla ginger ale, cream soda, and hard root beer (does it count if there’s booze in it?). I also like ramune, and I’ve tried a few different flavors.
I also prefer Coke to Pepsi, if only because every food service type place I’ve worked in has had Pepsi, and this state is the “home” state of Pepsi, so it’s everywhere.
SCILDFREJA!
I still have your tiny pony (as well as other people’s. I’ve been very bad about this, I know. >.>), so if you want to email me again with your address if I can send it, I’ll send it along as soon as I possibly can, which is to be determined at a later date.
Also, they stopped selling the pony bottles, so I can’t get any more. 🙁
Speaking of ponies: I’ve finally caught up, and I rather admit I’m enjoying the new season. Luna and Celestia had a really lovely episode where they worked out a problem they had as sisters (with the help of Starlight Glimmer), and Maud Pie now lives in Ponyville (adjacent) in a beautiful rock grotto. (and SPOILERS: she may have been the pony who told Starlight Glimmer about the rock that had the magic to keep all the ponys’ cutie marks from her village way back when. Whoops.)
As for my personal life: It’s been dominated by work. I’m actually going to ask for an extra day off a week so I can go job hunting.
I also joined a Discord server of witches who live in my area (I participated in a map thing across tumblr where I put a pin in the map where I live so other witches can find me and hang), and it’s going well so far!
I’m saving up to go dollar store hopping when we finally reach Threat Level Pumpkin. AKA: Halloween shit’s finally on saaaalllleeee!
It’s also been almost a year since I moved to NC. I have my shit more together than I ever did in Cali, and it feels goooood. It’s not all together, not yet, but I’m working on it.
You parental fornicator.
@KindaSortaHarmless
Late as usual, but I know that the original Jungle Jim’s has Leninade. I saw it in passing. You’ll know where to find it if you keep looking up: the place is a food theme park, and it falls under the sign reading “The King Of Pop.”
Jungle Jim’s is punny and amazing and huge, though a little beefed in the price. That said, they have food from everywhere in the world–though they struggle a bit with Africa, as they admit.
I can’t get over this failed attempt at metaphor.
This is how I imagine the thought processes that produced this incoherent mess: thinks about the “women as licked lollipops” or “women as chewed gum” metaphors, attempts to come up with some other way of thinking of sex “using up” women, stumbles onto Pepsi, does not consider the analagous way Pepsi would be “used” (i.e. drinking it, or putting one’s mouth on the bottle), instead goes straight for what he literally thinks happens when men and women have sex (somehow men stick their penises in and it stays inside?). And there you have it: some cobbled together Pepsi and penis thoughts.
This kinda reminds me of a comment I read on the Fat and Furious thread about animated fat sentient female cars (specifically about talking about a hypothetical cars movie with trans* transmissions and somehow morphing their characters into white hipster men in tight jeans): these guys can’t keep track of their thoughts to be coherent for even a paragraph.
Now off to read this comment thread.