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By David Futrelle
So the fellows over on the Men Going Their Own Way subreddit are discussing just how much they TOTALLY REFUSE to have sex with women older than 25 — not to worry, fellas, women over 25 don’t want to have sex with you either — and one fellow resorts to an interesting if perhaps imperfect metaphor in order to explain why he at least hypothetically prefers fresh young 18-year-olds to jaded 25-year-old “cock carousel” riders.
![Mikveh 4 points 21 hours ago My logic is such that I imagine a typical girl fucks 12 chads per year, 1 per month, not because she is a slut, just because she knows she has to put out for chad or he will lose interest. So the younger they are, I figure the less cock they've ridden....would you rather have a new pepsi bottle, or one that had taken 12 penises per year since the age of 18? I figure i'd rather drink a pepsi that had 12 penises in it, rather than at the age of 25 say 84 penises(12*7years) permalinkembedunsavereportgive goldreply [–]Onkel_Adolf 10 points 21 hours ago i'd rather drink a pepsi that had 12 penises in it permalinkembedsaveparentreportgive goldreply [–]ififcanIhaveacoatplz 4 points 20 hours ago It bears repeating](https://i0.wp.com/www.wehuntedthemammoth.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/penises-e1499389564757.png?ssl=1)
So many questions! Were these 12 penises just dipped in the Pepsi bottle or are they all still stuffed inside of it? How do you squeeze a normal-sized penis through the narrow bottleneck? Would the number of acceptable penises per bottle increase or decrease if the bottle contained Coke or RC Cola or Dr. Pepper instead of Pepsi?
The most important question: How do I get the image of a Pepsi bottle stuffed with penises out of my head?
On a slightly more serious note, I would like to point out that Mikveh’s notion of how many sex partners the typical young women has by the age of 25 is utterly and completely fantastical.
Here’s the actual breakdown of the number of sex partners 25 to 29 year-old American women typically have had, according to a large-scale and widely cited study called the General Social Survey.
As you can see, the number of women that age with 84 sexual partners is more or less zero; it’s literally off the chart. (Presumably sex workers are not included in the survey.) The average number of sexual partners American woman have had by the time they hit their late twenties? Four.
I generated the chart above using a little chart-generator on Slate designed to tell you if “Your Sexual History [Is] As Impressive As You Think.” Try it yourself!
@Scildfreja
*pouncehugs * Welcome back!
@Axe
Originally it came to the States as a West Coat computer geek import, so not a big changel When cybercafes were still a thing a buncha them carried it.
I don’t know, and can’t find an English language source that says.
@WWTH
98th percentile (probably; I don’t actually know the exact number of partners I’ve had), but not all of them had penes.
@Scildfreja
Quick search shows your last comment I can find is from February. So, since then: *deep breath* job got worse, then I got a raise (so slightly less worse), relationship got better, made friends with ‘the other guy’, family reunion was last week (everyone, remind me not to go to the next one), and I got a nice Captain America tee shirt. Think that’s everything of note or possible interest 😀
@Arthur
Nah, the weird ones are the people who say the opposite…
@JS, PeeVee re: The Fizzicist
I’ve gone to Kroger’s all my life–same for some of my peers–and I’ve seen The Fizzicist plenty. It’s part of their higher-tier line of in-house products–they also have their standard HFCS soda (Big K) sub Dr. K, so I suppose they had to differentiate somehow! (The higher-tier isn’t dreadfully more expensive–certainly less than a dollar’s difference.)
Also, I gotta try this “Reed’s Spiced Apple Brew”. Thanks, Nequam.
You can tell by this hyperbolic preoccupation with how much sex girls are having that these losers cannot get anyone to sleep with them (no, this is not “virgin-shaming”; I am shaming their outlook & behavior) – and you can also tell that this “new rule” is just another excuse for themselves on why they’re not “getting any”.
@Axe, I’m so glad you’re doing well! Life is a bumpy road, isn’t it? Best to learn to enjoy offroading. It sounds like you’re doing pretty good all in all, I’m glad to hear it.
@Dalillama,
http://media.giphy.com/media/PGpSyN7kTrvpu/giphy.gif
@Myriad, I missed you all too!
@PeeVee,
@BS, oh gosh. Honestly, I would subscribe him to Fluffy Kitty Monthly, and The Crochet Times. That is a person who needs to deflate their hippocampus something fierce!
@wwth!
And hello everyone else!
I’m sad that “Fluffy Kitty Monthly” and “The Crochet Times” don’t seem to exist. Alternatives may include “Catster” and “Crochet World”. Though if you have flashbacks involving hipsters, perhaps “Modern Cat” would be best.
Hmm… so would “Modern Cat” be mostly photo essays about cats near brushed stainless steel and concrete monstrosities?
“Post-Modern Cat” would be the one from Red Dwarf, or possibly just pictures of cats lounging in bathroom fixtures.
Nevereverland. Talk about your sheltered snowflakes!
Scildfreja! Ten times welcome back!
Anyway, screw MGTOWs (they don’t even deserve an f-bomb).
Oh gosh, ten times welcome back? Oh dear that is a lot of welcome. I knew I should’ve brought presents. Thank you!
@JS, please sign me up for Cat Business Insider, which I’m sure is mostly just kitties getting up to Cat Business. I will invest in those stocks, that sounds delightful.
Cat Business
CW for below: Way too much medical information about bottles and penes.
Well, the human penis is rather flexible when soft, so squeezing the bottle first to creat a vacuum, and using lots and lots of lube works well enough that people show up occasionally in Emergency Rooms with bottled cocks. Age of example case in that pdf: 68.
Using soda bottles for this activity is not recommended. The 3 liter ones might be ok, as they have a larger opening. Do not try small bottles at home… or anywhere really.
…total nonsense?
Sounds like Mr. Pibb here is afraid he’s going to get tossed aside for Dr. Pepper. After all, all women are hyper-carbonated sluts.
I don’t drink soda, but I do like Poland Spring orange-vanilla seltzer with a splash of cranberry.
ETA: Scildfreja! You’re back! Yay!
Joining in on the welcome back chorus for Scildfreja!
JS,
Why, why, WHY did I click on your bottled cocks link? O.o
Troubelle,
You have to be at least this broad to ride the cock carousel.
Buttercup! Vickie! eeeeeeee! <3
Dingle dongles should not be bottled! I mean gosh, you'd have to pickle them if you hoped to keep them for long!
(I believe that brings us full circle to the first comment?)
@PeeVee because I warned you?
To recover, try the “Cat Business” link I also posted. It should help, unless you dislike cats and cat behavior hilariously shoved into a human business setting. (YMMV Re: Hilariousness of above link)
What, no love for Irn Bru? Youall are missing out.
@Scildfreja Unnyðnes
Welcome back!
Ooh, sounds fun!
And since you asked how things have been, I’ve been laid off but I have a good 9 months left while they have me fixing a problem sales created for a very big client and then transferring knowledge to my replacement. Yay! I’m already looking but my crippling anxiety is making that difficult. Had a panic attack earlier today when I didn’t finish a coding challenge in the time I was given. My brain’s still not back to baseline and I can’t sleep even with zyrtec which usually knocks me out. So that’s fun.
@Guest, re: Irn-Bru
Smuggled a can back from my trip to Ireland (made in Scotland from girders, but sold to its neighbors as well). Haven’t tried it yet.
@JS
Broad ain’t the issue–it’s age. One more year and pure legality in all states is MINE!
(Apologies for this joke)
This broad?
http://www.homedepot.com/catalog/productImages/1000/d8/d89a733d-7544-4569-a19f-c3d426b716b1_1000.jpg
Mikvah “imagines” (revealing word, Mikvah) that the average 18-25 year old woman has sex with 12 Chads a year, because “she knows she has to put out for chad (sic) or he will lose interest”.
So she’s putting out for Chad…and he loses interest after a month anyway? Why? Why is Chad tired of a sexually compliant woman after such a short timespan?
Is she such a dud lay that he loses interest and moves on? But surely he would give her a low rating on the Chad network, because Chads do love to gossip, and then she would find herself Chadless next month. No, there must be another explanation.
Is Chad sufficiently horrified by menstruation that he flings himself from her bleeding body in a frenzy, never to return? Does she start to “accidentally” leave her toothbrush at his place and freak him out? Is it a secret Chad-code to vicariously have sex with fellow Chads? Part of a bizarre ritual to summon the Dark Lord SaChad from his infernal country club, the conclusion of which is to gather, wearing matching polo shirts, and chant backwards excerpts from The Female Mystique while symbolically burning a pair of loafers?
And that’s assuming that he dumps her. What if she dumps him??
Is it that our temptress sucks poor Chad dry of His Resources within a month and dumps his withered husk in the gutter before moving onto her next victim? Is she such an accomplished slut that Chad cannot keep up and must be retired like a superannuated racehorse after a mere four weeks? Does she straight-up devour the poor fellow with her vagina, like Bilqis in Neil Gaiman’s American Gods?
Does she get maternity leave? Or holidays? Can she subcontract out the Chad-fucking? What if one Chad only lasts a fortnight? Can she move straight onto the next one, or does she have to wait for the next month? Can she get all 12 Chads out of the way in January and take the next 11 months Chad-free? Are we talking calendar year, financial year or birthday-to-birthday year? Is a month defined as 4 weeks, calendar month, lunar month or gap between periods? What if it’s the latter, and she has a cycle significantly longer or shorter than 28 days? What about leap years??
Mikvah, we need to talk. I need answers.
@Kupo, I am glad you’re well! I recognize that your story doesn’t make it seem you’re all that well, but I’m also optimistic! It will improve, I promise. You’ve got lots of time to get ready for new work; your layoff sounds very gentle.
Please try to pay attention to your breathing as you write your code (and are typing or on computer in general)! I assume you know but will say anyways; coding and typing and the like really messes with your breathing – Email Apnea is a thing! Holding your breath as you type will cause your adrenaline to spike and causes anxiety, as does just looking at a bright screen in a dark room if that’s a thing. So please make sure you’re breathing well while you work!
As for the anxiety-in-general, ugh I know it’s so awful its just the worst. My own anxiety is still around in full force too, though i’m not on medication at the moment so probably not as harsh as your own. I hope yours settles out soon!
You can do the thing! I know you’ll do okay, kupo <3
re: Irn Bru, oh gosh i don’t like it at all it’s like popsicle water i am terrible
What is it with these guys and their weirdly specific, badly fitting metaphors? I hate to be crude but I bet that this guy has tried to fit his penis into a Pepsi bottle at least once to try and emulate intercourse.
Selection bias, if they used good metaphors and real logic, we wouldn’t mock them about odd metaphors and imaginary logic.
I’m sure there’d still be other things to mock, like the apparent ridiculousness of the main MGTOW premise.