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Penises and Pepsi bottles: MGTOWs continue to have trouble with metaphors

Wait … 25% more of what, exactly?

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By David Futrelle

So the fellows over on the Men Going Their Own Way subreddit are discussing just how much they TOTALLY REFUSE to have sex with women older than 25 — not to worry, fellas, women over 25 don’t want to have sex with you either — and one fellow resorts to an interesting if perhaps imperfect metaphor in order to explain why he at least hypothetically prefers fresh young 18-year-olds to jaded 25-year-old “cock carousel” riders.

Mikveh 4 points 21 hours ago My logic is such that I imagine a typical girl fucks 12 chads per year, 1 per month, not because she is a slut, just because she knows she has to put out for chad or he will lose interest. So the younger they are, I figure the less cock they've ridden....would you rather have a new pepsi bottle, or one that had taken 12 penises per year since the age of 18? I figure i'd rather drink a pepsi that had 12 penises in it, rather than at the age of 25 say 84 penises(12*7years) permalinkembedunsavereportgive goldreply [–]Onkel_Adolf 10 points 21 hours ago i'd rather drink a pepsi that had 12 penises in it permalinkembedsaveparentreportgive goldreply [–]ififcanIhaveacoatplz 4 points 20 hours ago It bears repeating

So many questions! Were these 12 penises just dipped in the Pepsi bottle or are they all still stuffed inside of it? How do you squeeze a normal-sized penis through the narrow bottleneck? Would the number of acceptable penises per bottle increase or decrease if the bottle contained Coke or RC Cola or Dr. Pepper instead of Pepsi?

The most important question: How do I get the image of a Pepsi bottle stuffed with penises out of my head?

On a slightly more serious note, I would like to point out that Mikveh’s notion of how many sex partners the typical young women has by the age of 25 is utterly and completely fantastical.

Here’s the actual breakdown of the number of sex partners 25 to 29 year-old American women typically have had, according to a large-scale and widely cited study called the General Social Survey.

As you can see, the number of women that age with 84 sexual partners is more or less zero; it’s literally off the chart. (Presumably sex workers are not included in the survey.) The average number of sexual partners American woman have had by the time they hit their late twenties? Four.

I generated the chart above using a little chart-generator on Slate designed to tell you if “Your Sexual History [Is] As Impressive As You Think.” Try it yourself!

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dreemr
dreemr
3 years ago

The idea of penises in bottles just made me think of pickled bologna.

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Kivutar
Kivutar
3 years ago

The mere concept of pickled bologna disgusts me more than anything else I have ever read on this site.

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
3 years ago

There’s other brands to consider, David! What about any number of store-brand colas? Jones Soda? Faygo Cola? Also, Dr. Pepper isn’t cola! It’s…something, alright…

Anyway, new topic that isn’t pickled bologna! What’s everyone’s absolute favorite form of soda? I’m primed to go off for a Grape Faygo at any time, though Candy Apple Faygo (tastes precisely like a green apple in caramel) is a lovely thing. And I can’t go wrong with Peach Nehi or good ol’ Sprite. (Sierra Mist just ain’t the same.)

dreemr
dreemr
3 years ago

@Kivitar – it’s kind of a regional delicacy. It’s actually pretty good! Well, “good” lol.

Favorite soda for now is Diet Dr. Pepper, but I’m not much of a soda drinker anymore.

Shout out for Faygo Rock n Rye and Vernor’s Ginger Ale. I also like a cream soda now & then.

PeeVee the (Perpetually Ignored, Invisible but Noice) Sarcastic
PeeVee the (Perpetually Ignored, Invisible but Noice) Sarcastic
3 years ago

Dreemr, that is either a thing of beauty or the stuff of nightmares.

I haven’t decided.

Troubelle, my all-time favorite is Sprite.

7Up and Sierra Mist aren’t the same for me, although I will drink 7Up in a pinch.

I’ll pass on Sierra Mist, every time.

And I HATE root beer.

Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
3 years ago

My logic is such that I imagine a typical girl…

He, um, typed this with a straight face, did he?

I did the Slate thing. It only counts sex partners from the age of 18, which leaves out quite a few from ages 14-17 for me. My count is nevertheless high. This is not a boast, btw – the point is, it’s nowhere near 84 partners by age 25.
I was a ‘busy’ girl, but bloody hell, that would take some dedication!
Also, I don’t drink soft drink (aka soda), but I’m sure as hell never going near Pepsi now.

Dalillama: Irate Social Engineer

@Troubelle
I quite like blood orange soda, and Reed’s Extra Ginger Brew. I used to drink deeply unhealthy amounts of a hellishly overcaffienated brew called ‘Afri Cola’, which may not still be available, I’ve not seen it for sale in ages.

Ooglyboggles
Ooglyboggles
3 years ago

@Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
I’m surprised how much I liked Sunkist Grape Soda.

@Dalillama: Irate Social Engineer
Mostly available in Austria, France, Saudi Arabia, Switzerland and the Czech Republic. There should be imports, but uhm I don’t think Germany is going to want to import Cola to the US anymore.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

Seconding diet Dr Pepper. I also love peach Fresca and Mexican Coke (AKA Coke with real sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup).

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
3 years ago

How do you squeeze a normal-sized penis through the narrow bottleneck?

I believe the answer is time, flaccidity, and a can do attitude

Looked up my ‘score’ on the chart. 4% late 20s virgins. The cool kids club, obvs. We have snacks and an awesome tree fort

@Troubelle
Either Schweppes for personal reasons, or Fanta Orange cos it’s tasty and I’m basic af

@Dali

I quite like blood orange soda

Sounds badass, must try

I used to drink deeply unhealthy amounts of a hellishly overcaffienated brew called ‘Afri Cola’, which may not still be available, I’ve not seen it for sale in ages

Wiki says it’s back as a coastal, hipster, import. Don’t much care for cola, but I can’t not have at least 1 in my life. What kinda name? 😁

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
3 years ago

@Dali

I think I tried blood orange soda once. Wasn’t really my thing, but it wasn’t the worst thing in the world, either (plus I’m not the biggest fan of default orange, either).

Patty Thinkerer
Patty Thinkerer
3 years ago

@Troubelle

My favorite soda is Canada Dry. Other ginger ales just can’t compare

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

Looks like I’m in the 94th percentile. Guess I’ve had too many peni in my Pepsi bottle to attract an MGTOW

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Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
3 years ago

@wwth

We can form a club and have regular meetings to celebrate … sorry, commiserate, over our tragic loss.
Or eat, drink, and swap cat stories. Whichever.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

Mish,

There’s a bar in my city called the CC Club. We can meet there and pretend it stands for the Cock Carousel Club.

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
3 years ago

I’m 17 and too smol for this.

PeeVee the (Perpetually Ignored, Invisible but Noice) Sarcastic
PeeVee the (Perpetually Ignored, Invisible but Noice) Sarcastic
3 years ago

Welp, I’ve had more sex than 86% of my peers.

But the last 25 years have been with only 1 partner.

(Yes, I’m fucking OLD.)

Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
3 years ago

Would you rather have a new Pepsi bottle, or one that had taken 12 penises per year since the age of 18?

How does a Pepsi bottle “take” one penis, let alone twelve? Perhaps the writer means “accommodate.”

And would anyone want a Pepsi bottle that is somewhere between 18 and 25 years old? The soda is going to be stale and flat and awful. Maybe the writer means just the bottle — maybe he collects Pepsi bottles. Dude, those things aren’t rare. Just recycle them. You’re welcome.

brian
brian
3 years ago

so… they have to have sex to keep “Chad” interested… and that’s why they have sex with one “Chad” each month? that’s not much interest…

Scildfreja Unnyðnes
Scildfreja Unnyðnes
3 years ago

http://media.giphy.com/media/f8RFORLQeAjOo/source.gif

Hello my ducks. I have missed you all!

I like lime soda.

Oh wait, no. I like a nice ginger soda.

Er, no. Wait. Orange? I do like orange.

Honestly, I just rather like the fizzies.

Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
3 years ago

@wwth,

That sounds poifect 😀
PeeVee, care to join us? xxx

Also,
SCILDFREJA HOORAY HELLO WOW.
Ahem. So nice to see you back!

AsAboveSoBelow
AsAboveSoBelow
3 years ago

Scildfreja! Welcome back!

Gotta be Vernors. Reed’s Extra Ginger Brew is tops, too.

Austin Loomis
3 years ago

I second dreemr’s vote for Vernor’s, the first ginger ale (though it only claims the status of “the original ginger soda”), accidentally invented in Michigan (home state to my branch of Loomises for several generations) by a man who’d just started a batch of ginger beer when his state militia called him up to bring Johnny Reb to heel; by the time he got home, it had acquired what the current makers call “barrel-aged bold taste!”

…on consideration, if its imitators be ginger ale, Vernor’s may in fact be a ginger stout.

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
3 years ago

@Scild
http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/253/164/a36.gif
I literally squealed out loud, like half a dozen times, when I saw the avi. Welcome back, buddyyyyyyy!!1!!

Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
3 years ago

Scildfreja, you’re back! And I see you brought the ponies with you. Nice to see you again.

Viscaria the Cheese Hog
Viscaria the Cheese Hog
3 years ago

I must say, if i found out there had been flesh pogo sticks in my Pepsi, “how many?” would not be my first question.

Strawberry Wizard
Strawberry Wizard
3 years ago

I don’t want to go to whatever grocery store this guy goes to. The merchandise expired over a decade ago and the clerks are peeing in the soda.

Hu's On First
Hu's On First
3 years ago

As far as the question of how does a penis fit in a Pepsi bottle, maybe you should ask Hawaiian Ryan.

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
3 years ago

SCILDFREJAAAAAAAAAAAAA! You’ve returned! How’ve you been?!

Scildfreja Unnyðnes
Scildfreja Unnyðnes
3 years ago

Much love and hugs for you all, I’ve missed you so. Life’s been weird! Always is. New chapter for me, though the new chapter is the sort that just sort of picks up exactly where the last one left off, [i]in media res[/i]. The great wheel turns upon itself again.

I hear there’s still a big ole Trump Dump goin on down there. We’re having our own dummies up here too, jerkbutts who think they’re the new hotness with their fascisms and their goofy airsoft tactical webbing and their dumb matching jackets that aren’t even stylish. I mean gosh darn it who embroiders on leather with that sort of thread? It’s a travesty. But they think they’re the new cool doods for some reason. But they’re [i]wrong[/i], cause the new cool doods is [i]me[/i].

http://37.media.tumblr.com/1f66cffcae250919ebd379b0bada7940/tumblr_n8cryt6a6R1tgvvddo1_400.gif

They can’t even handle my styles

JS
JS
3 years ago

@scildfreja, Welcome back! I have missed your pony gifs, and your insight into all sorts of other cool things.

Scildfreja Unnyðnes
Scildfreja Unnyðnes
3 years ago

I am okay! I am also apparently deeply forgetful, because here I am using hard brackets for my post markup when it ain’t even hard brackets what you’re supposed to use!

I’ve got some fun stuff lined up in a few directions right now. Work is doing some super ridiculous sensors/Arduino nonsense, like, let’s make a magnetometric mapping system for precision positioning of stuff sort of silliness. And I’m considering starting a kickstarter for a board game, though it’ll probably be a bored game cause wow am I a dork. I mean, really, I think lame homophone puns are high quality entertainment, what’s that all about?

How are all of you, my ducks?

DrHoveiny
DrHoveiny
3 years ago

Naturally, a “mikveh” is the ritualistic bath that orthodox Jewish women are supposed to take every month (to “achieve purity”) after their period such that their husband can touch them again. Nice touch, creep-o!

Friendly Neighborhood Dragon Arthur
Friendly Neighborhood Dragon Arthur
3 years ago

Honestly, I’d rather be with someone who has had experience than to be with a virgin… If that doesn’t sound to weird to say here.

As for soda though… I prefer Vanilla Coke and Baja-Blast Mountain Dew…

masque d'étoiles
masque d'étoiles
3 years ago

Black Cherry Wishniak represent! (It’s a Philly thing, yo.)

Vernor’s ginger ale is a lovely creamy tingly delight. Also, strawberry Crush if you can find it, which I occasionally have done in Québec. And cream soda is my go-to if it’s available.

Of all the colas, I prefer RC.

I sound as though I drink a lot of the stuff, but in fact I only indulge in maybe a half-dozen soft drinks a year. If they should begin to feature priapic swizzle sticks, that number would abruptly approach zero.

Pickled bologna seems grotesque mainly because it is presented in jars, in a clear colorless fluid, like some monstrous mutant Vienna sausage. Were it in a rustic barrel, properly brined with some zesty herbs and seeds adding visual appeal, and perhaps offered alongside some cheese and a crusty pumpernickel loaf and a pint, and maybe even a gherkin or two, I could be intrigued.

tim gueguen
3 years ago

Funny how they don’t apply their reasoning to men and penises. If having sex with too many guys and being too old make a woman “lose her freshness,” or whatever the hell they think, then doesn’t the same apply to penises? Won’t you wear out your penis if you have sex with too many women?

mildlymagnificent
mildlymagnificent
3 years ago

PeeVee the (Perpetually Ignored, Invisible but Noice) Sarcastic

But the last 25 years have been with only 1 partner.
(Yes, I’m fucking OLD.)

Me too – but even older. Turned 70 a couple of weeks ago and been with my one partner/ husband for 40+ years. 40th wedding anniversary next year. Party time!

Damoflances
3 years ago

@mish, with ya, 14-17 was my “busy” period, and amounted to maybe 10. After 18, 3. The last of those for the past 30 years.

Scildfreja Unnyðnes
Scildfreja Unnyðnes
3 years ago

(sarcasm ahead)

well gosh, @tim, can’t you see the difference? Ding dongs are all rugged and manly and tough. They don’t wear out, unlike womanly things, cause those are all weak and squidgey and all that gross stuff. Clearly women are a depleting resource, whereas manly mans are – well, they aren’t a resource at all, they’re people. How very dare you dehumanize a man like that, comparing him to a womz, it’s just unthin-

ahem

Gosh, that came out of nowhere! Very sorry

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

Scildfreja!

BS and his two, soon to be four, fluffy kitties
BS and his two, soon to be four, fluffy kitties
3 years ago

My favorite soda is root beer. A&W is my favorite, but most places have Barqs or Mug, and those are fine, too.

Just 1 sexual partner, and 1 it shall remain, although I sometimes exaggerate that number to make myself seem like a super alpha Chad.

OT: Need some (not sure how serious) advice. My name is one letter away from a moderately well-known media personality, and I occasionally get email meant for them. Today I got my first mis-addressed hate mail, with the subject line “RIP bitch” as the subject line and “YOU” as the entire message. I politely inquired what I had done, assuming it was a new lead in for a 419 scam, in which case I enjoy trying to string along the scammer. So when they responded about the anti-trump bias of “my” media network, I realized this was meant for my more famous almost-namesake.

1. Do you think I should try to alert either the authorities or the actual person? (I have never corresponded with the celebrity, but I have sometimes told senders that they have the wrong person) “RIP bitch” seems like a threat, but very non-specific. I also don’t want the target or someone at the media outlet to quickly scan my message (or tweet) and think I am making the threat.

2. To what kind of porno or other email list should I sign the up the sender?

JS
JS
3 years ago

comment image

PeeVee the (Perpetually Ignored, Invisible but Noice) Sarcastic
PeeVee the (Perpetually Ignored, Invisible but Noice) Sarcastic
3 years ago

@Mish,

That sounds poifect 
PeeVee, care to join us? xxx

I’d be deeeeeelighted to! 😈

@mildlymagnificent,

Me too – but even older. Turned 70 a couple of weeks ago and been with my one partner/ husband for 40+ years. 40th wedding anniversary next year. Party time!

Oh, congratulations!! That’s not mildly, that’s completely magnificent!

@Scildfreja Unnyðnes,

Still doing the happy dance! 💃

ETA, Ding Dings are OK, but Ho-Hos are better. 🤗

GrumpyOld SocialJusticeMangina
GrumpyOld SocialJusticeMangina
3 years ago

Hi, there, young lady mildlymagnificent. (Well, I turned 70 five whole weeks ago.) But I’ve only been married 34 years now, so you win that one.

Nequam
Nequam
3 years ago

Re soda: do not overlook the glory that is Reed’s Spiced Apple Brew. With a scoop of good vanilla ice cream in it you get a pie a la mode float.

Ivory Bill Woodpecker
Ivory Bill Woodpecker
3 years ago

My favorite sodas are Dr Pepper, and two of its imitators. Wal-Mart’s Dr Thunder and Kroger’s The Fizzicist are excellent imitations; I actually like them slightly better than Dr Pepper itself. The Fizzicist is even made with real sugar.

A pair of sites about Dr Pepper imitators. There used to be a splendid one which has vanished.

***********

Not Quite What the Doctor Ordered:

https://fakedrpepper.wordpress.com/

***********
Kibo’s Fake Dr Pepper Roundup:

http://www.kibo.com/kibofood/dr_pepper.html

PeeVee the (Perpetually Ignored, Invisible but Noice) Sarcastic
PeeVee the (Perpetually Ignored, Invisible but Noice) Sarcastic
3 years ago

@BS,

You might email David and ask him; I wiuld imagine he’s gotten a few…ahem…fan letters over the years.

@IvoryBill,

I cannot tell you how much the name The Fizzicist delights me.

JS
JS
3 years ago

Kroger’s The Fizzicist

Great, now I have to figure out where the nearest Krogers is that also has this. What a wonderful name for a soda!

ETA: 90 miles away. Maybe they’ll ship it.

Myriad
Myriad
3 years ago

@Scildfreja

Welcome back! I’m sure you can tell we all missed you.

My favorite soda is Canada Dry. Other ginger ales just can’t compare

@Patty Thinkerer

Seconded. I drank a ginger ale today that was not Canada Dry, and I regret my choice from the first sip.

BS and his two, soon to be four, fluffy kitties
BS and his two, soon to be four, fluffy kitties
3 years ago

@PeeVee thank you! Good idea.

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