By David Futrelle
Professional “pickup artists” tend to have a thing against masturbation, largely because (one suspects) men who are not continually sexually frustrated are less receptive to their nonsense PUA teachings. And so it’s hardly surprising to find an anti-masturbation tirade on Roosh V’s crap site Return of Kings today, filled with cherry-picked science and assorted weird leaps of logic intended to prove that masturbation is very very bad for men.
Overall the post, written by a self-proclaimed “licensed personal trainer, martial artist, musician, writer, and (barely) a video reviewer and cartoonist” named Larsen Halleck, is a pretty standard example of its very particular genre.
But there’s one part of the post that strikes me as original. Seems that one of the reasons masturbation is such a bad idea for manly men is that … it makes their hands unpleasingly soft. You know, because of all the lotion.
“[W]omen are just not attracted to buttery soft, womanly hands,” Halleck declares.
In my personal experience, women love to feel the calluses upon a man’s hands, and just one lotion-soaked fap session a week will take away from the sexy, alligator-like roughness of your palms.
So fellas, forget all you’ve heard about masturbation making hair grow on your palms. Apparently it actually turns your manly man hands into lady hands.
Of course, Halleck’s advice isn’t exactly useful for those dudes whose hands have already turned “buttery soft,” and who don’t have time enough to get them all callousy before their next hot date. Luckily there is another option: stop by the local hardware store to get yourself some sandpaper-coated sanding gloves like, say, these.
Take my word for it, fellas, the ladies love to be sanded down and buffed like an old dresser you found in the alley.
Valentine, Arctic Ape: at one time I could read and write French fairly well, but couldn’t speak or understand the spoken word much. Same thing. It’s hard to develop those skills in any language unless you can spend a good deal of time with native speakers.
When I was in Japan, at a school that emphasizes English, they told me that only about 3% of their students became fluent. Most of them use the Japanese pronunciation of English — there are only fifty-some distinct syllables in Japanese compared to about 3000 in English. The word “baseball” is written (in the Japanese syllable “alphabet”) as “bei-su-bo-ru”, which is approximately pronounced “bays-bore”. Humorously, Japanese students who spend time in English-speaking countries and learn standard English pronunciation are often criticized for not pronouncing words the Japanese way when they go back.
AA: I’m surprised a bit, because your English writing skill level is much above most native English speakers.
Mish:
I’m the bilingual bonobo, Pun puniscus 🙂
My brain just jumps into connections like that. For example, I had waited a long time looking for the right context for that Pan/Homo joke (which doesn’t rely on pronunciation), knowing that only a highly geeky audience would get it (how cool is it that the same word pair has unrelated but pair-related meanings from Greek and Latin, and also bonobos are stereotypically “pansexual” even if humans aren’t stereotypically homosexual).
BTW, it’s so great to be able to read those in two languages. The Finnish translator Mika Kivimäki obviously has to sometimes omit puns, but often the puns can be translated (thanks to loanwords and shared pop culture) or substituted (sometimes with amazing creativity).
@Arctic Ape,
Oh my god an etymology fan. I am squeeing with excitement right now.
This is now your new name.
I’m off to bed and I don’t wish to derail this thread further (like it’s not derailed already) – but I would love to hear about Finnish versions/substitutions of Discworld puns some time.
@Arctic Ape Pun puniscus <3 :-))))
@Alan
They did what?!?!?! Well, shit. Even the recent past is another country O.o
@ opposable thumbs
There was a surprising amount of opposition to the NHS from the left; for all sorts of reasons. It was by no means a universally popular idea generally. Maybe our American friends can take comfort in that? Shows how initial scepticism about state funded health care suddenly evaporates once you get used to it.
@Alan
I both really don’t and really do…
“We’re all gonna die” watch is back on, Thanks Mr. President
He can’t even cozy up to Russia properly.
@Arctic Ape
Ooh, a fellow Finnish Discworld fan! ^_^ I have to say that my favorite translated linguistic joke in Sir Terry’s oeuvre is the translation of Imp y Celyn’s name into Finnish (for context “Imp y Celyn” is actual Cymric for “Bud of the Holly”, resulting in Buddy…Celyn), which becomes Patee Mustajärvi in Finnish (for the non-Finns or non-fans of classic Finnish rock, Pate Mustajärvi is the frontman of the legendary Finnish rockband Popeda).
Also, to add my ha’p’orth to the NSWF/TMI discourse regarding…ahem…jerkin’ the gherkin, I’m “intact” and have never had any reason to use lubrication. I think I’ve mentioned it before on here, but I think it bears repeating that I’ve not participated in “the sexytimes” with another participant in over 12 years at this point, and I rarely feel the need to do any jerkin’ of my own gherkin. Take that as you will.
1. This is WHTM in a nutshell, and 2. This is why WHTM is awesome.
@Aulma
Masturbation can be problematic if you do it in place of seeking other pleasurable life activities, but the same could be said of almost anything. That sort of problem is usually related to very excessive porn use (watching porn for several hours per day). But depressed people can use porn and masturbation to try to feel good and cope with their negative emotions.
The same goes for relationship problems. When A and B are correlated, the possibilities are: 1) A causes B, 2) B causes A, 3) both A and B are caused by other factors, 4) the correlation is a coincidence, or 5) someone nefariously gave you a dataset with higher correlation than usual.
If i want one good word i take my thoughts and use translator or dictionary. Some words i will put then forget later because i just copy-paste. if i dont understand you, i copy paste back again…
You right about ship english. For example, i easily remember lots of english words like ‘requisition’ or ‘corrosion’ because this ones i need to speak. Some words like ‘travel reimbursment’ i know what it mean but if i need to say it i just say ‘money back for travel” )))
@Arctic Ape:
Theoretically. Theoretically.
Criminutley I didn’t realize people had such strong feelings about pineapples having some sort of meat tenderizing enzyme.
@ Valentine
This is my favourite travel claim; imagine that mileage.
http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.2314016.1438699326!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/article_750/buzz5n-2-web.jpg
I don’t think Halleck has anything to worry about. All his baliset playing I’m sure has left his fingertips plenty calloused.
OHHH, wait, that’s Gurney Halleck. Dang, gonna bet Gurney’s dumber Harkonnen cousin Larsen is probably not as good a baliset player.
In the words of David Byrne:
Take a look at these hands
Take a look at these hands
The hand speaks
The hand of a government man
Valentine:
Like a century ago, when Finnish farmers sold firewood to St. Petersburg, they were said to speak “Log Haul Russian”. The more fluent ones apparently spoke it without using their hands 🙂
On the original post:
I’ve sometimes seen in historical romance novels* this trope that associated male sexiness, masculinity, European warrior class and somewhat calloused hands (from holding reins, if that’s even possible). I always thought, maybe the heroines in these stories were into rough sensations, or whatever.
*Possibly it was just one bestselling Finnish author, Kaari Utrio.
@alan
This one texas back to texas? ?
@Alan Wow, the DM sure went downhill fast….(I admit that my info is 5 yrs old. ;))
GrumpyOld SocialJusticeMangina (and Artic Ape) : as an example, I am currently unable to use english podcasts, and asking me to speak in english make me sweat. I guess I am a good example of how some skill don’t come if you don’t use them.
@arctic ape
Sometimes i need to draw picture, but that usually only if it is about something technical (location on board, some equipment) or if another person is not speaking english, like for stevedores. But now also everyone have a translator – in turkey i just use phone of the stevedore where he had google translate ?
@all talking about sex drive l
Regarding what all have said about ‘relaxation’ that exactly what i mean. Honestly i dont mean as euphemism i mean really – if you have such high drive and you do not release tension then actually it can make you stress. My girlfriend say this about me ? i am not complicated person – if i stress it is because i need food or sex ???
Texas to Florida, to the moon, to the ocean, to hawaii, back to texas, yes. Note the name of the traveller on top.
TMI warning
for discussing lube use and (mostly penile) masturbation
below.
I guess for many people, a healthy amount of masturbation would be limited by how much chafing their genitals can take without being damaged. This could depend on various medical and technical factors, including things like circumcision, lube use and how soft your hands are. In other cases, a person might use unhealthy amounts of time on porn or sexual fantasies or masturbation itself, without getting physically sore.
I think the lube thing is a US cultural stereotype, maybe partly based on real practice that’s maybe associated with male circumcision. Personally I feel that using lube from a tube is just messy and inefficient, and I can pretty well manage without. (I’m intact but with very little foreskin) However, a lubed condom is useful if I want to wank hard and/or not spill anything. The lube seems to soothe my dry, exposed and frequently washed glans. My dry, frequently washed hands need their own lotion, especially during winter and when I’m planting stuff.
/TMI
Валя, Arctic Ape – I was taught Russian in the USAF (was told later by another instructor that it was specifically Soviet Russian, for what that’s worth) and so my vocabulary is still very military. non-Russian speakers are still very impressed when I tell them that I have ice on my wings in Russian, though!