Categories
'bating gender policing mansplaining men who should not ever be with women ever PUA return of kings sex

Guys! Stop ‘bating because it will make your hands soft and ladylike, Return of Kings warns

Turns out that hairy palms are the least of your worries, guys!

By David Futrelle

Professional “pickup artists” tend to have a thing against masturbation, largely because (one suspects) men who are not continually sexually frustrated are less receptive to their nonsense PUA teachings. And so it’s hardly surprising to find an anti-masturbation tirade on Roosh V’s crap site Return of Kings today, filled with cherry-picked science and assorted weird leaps of logic intended to prove that masturbation is very very bad for men.

Overall the post, written by a self-proclaimed “licensed personal trainer, martial artist, musician, writer, and (barely) a video reviewer and cartoonist” named Larsen Halleck, is a pretty standard example of its very particular genre.

But there’s one part of the post that strikes me as original. Seems that one of the reasons masturbation is such a bad idea for manly men is that … it makes their hands unpleasingly soft. You know, because of all the lotion.

“[W]omen are just not attracted to buttery soft, womanly hands,” Halleck declares.

In my personal experience, women love to feel the calluses upon a man’s hands, and just one lotion-soaked fap session a week will take away from the sexy, alligator-like roughness of your palms.

So fellas, forget all you’ve heard about masturbation making hair grow on your palms. Apparently it actually turns your manly man hands into lady hands.

Of course, Halleck’s advice isn’t exactly useful for those dudes whose hands have already turned “buttery soft,” and who don’t have time enough to get them all callousy before their next hot date. Luckily there is another option: stop by the local hardware store to get yourself some sandpaper-coated sanding gloves like, say, these.

Take my word for it, fellas, the ladies love to be sanded down and buffed like an old dresser you found in the alley.

Subscribe
Notify of
guest

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

284 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Valentine
Valentine
3 years ago

JS now i understood. 😁😂 it is cosmonaut buzz aldrin

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
3 years ago

Re: circumcision
What is with this ‘circumcised folks’ junk is a gnarly, bloody hellscape’ thing. I’ve never heard of that before. I mean, yeah, it… toughens up over the years. But, so long as you’re treating it as well as you would any body part and not over exposing it to friction, nothing bad is gonna happen. If you’re happy you’re intact, I’m happy for ya. Just lay off the horror stories a bit. Jeez… O.o

@Nerd

That sort of problem is usually related to very excessive porn use (watching porn for several hours per day)

Yo, we just talked about not putting arbitrary limits on these things

CW: sexual oversharing
And besides, how is this supposed to work in a practical sense? if you masturbate for several hours a day, as I have been known and as I like to do, then are you supposed to turn off the porn halfway thru? Are you supposed to watch some to start, turn it off, then come back towards the end? Like, splain to me the logistics of this. Also wonder how this excessive porning has ruined me, but that’s a different question…
CW: sexual oversharing

Where do we come up with this stuff, honestly?

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
3 years ago

Personally I think that’s the best rebuttal to the Apollo hoax claims ever. It’s vaguely possible 400,000 people could take part in a conspiracy and never speak of it again. But an accounts department reimbursing you for miles you hadn’t actually done? No way.

Valentine
Valentine
3 years ago

@hambeast what is ice on your wings mean?

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
3 years ago

Texas to Florida, to the moon, to the ocean, to hawaii, back to texas, yes. Note the name of the traveller on top.

Would that be a domestic trip, since they planted a US flag on the moon?

Fishy Goat
Fishy Goat
3 years ago

@Valentine ‘ice on your airplane’s wings’ 🙂

Ooglyboggles
Ooglyboggles
3 years ago

@Alan Robertshaw
A bit late but I’m glad to be of service to you.

JS
JS
3 years ago

“Cosmonaut” Buzz Aldrin? *grin* (I don’t mind “cosmonaut”, but some people in the US would be very annoyed)

And the whole “travel reimbursement for x0000 miles: $33.31”

mrex
mrex
3 years ago

The PUA argument that masturbating to orgasm “saps” a man’s energy has been around for ages. There’s neither scientific proof that it’s true, or that it’s false, since it’s based on subjective experience. In my experience, it’s true to a degree.

tmi My experience is that sex feels way better when the guy is almost desperately horny. This is true whether or not I have also been recently abstaining from masturbating to orgasm, although it seems to be even better for both of us when I also abstain. 😉 /tmi It’s a scientific fact that many humans have a refractory period, (penis havers especially), so maybe this has something to do with that?

RE: Citation Needed

Can’t believe no-one has mentioned yourbrainonporn.com. Should I be impressed or depressed?

There are plenty of legitimate criticisms of porn. Far too much of porn is exploitative in nature. It can give its users unrealistic expectations of sex, and teach it’s users bad habits. But this is not necessarily a criticism of porn, but more of the way that society uses and produces porn.

I mean, if you’re stupid enough to unquestionly look to porn to teach you about sex, is it really the porn’s fault?

Valentine
Valentine
3 years ago

‘ice on your airplane’s wings’

Yes, but what is it mean?

mrex
mrex
3 years ago

Eh fuck *unquestionably. I’m sure I made a few more typos.

Ohlmann
Ohlmann
3 years ago

mrex : given that masturbation itself also feel better after a period of abstinence, that seem credible.

That being said, I have seen people who become way too quick to orgasm when they are too horny. So there’s that. I guess if both party orgasm quickly it’s not as much of a problem.

Ohlmann
Ohlmann
3 years ago

(that being said, refractory period if they exist seem to be like less than ten minute to me. Or maybe they only trigger after a particulary intense string of encounter)

(also, I guess men can run out of sperm, but I don’t think anyone really feel the difference if it’s only seminal fluid)

Fishy Goat
Fishy Goat
3 years ago

@Valentine, Ah, sorry. Since she learned Russian in the US Air Force she was showing off her knowledge of aviation terms in Russian (‘icing on the wings’ means that there is ice on the wings (not the sugary stuff that is on a cake), which can cause the airplane to have less lift and not fly very well)

I hope that was clearer?

History Nerd
History Nerd
3 years ago

@Axecalibur

The problems don’t seem to be the heavy porn use in itself. It sounds like the people are using porn so much that they’re not doing anything else.

Certain studies are based on case histories written by psychotherapists with conservative religious beliefs, so those studies are highly suspect.

Redsilkphoenix: Jetpack Vixen, Agent of the FemiNest Collective; Keeper of a Hell Toupee, and all-around Intergalactic Meanie
Redsilkphoenix: Jetpack Vixen, Agent of the FemiNest Collective; Keeper of a Hell Toupee, and all-around Intergalactic Meanie
3 years ago

Looking that travel over, and…did I read that reimbursement amount right? $33.33 for a round trip to the moon and back?!? Even in 1969 dollars, that seems like an incredibly small amount of money for that trip. Or even if you took out the moon part and left it at going to the Pacific Ocean and back, that still seems like a rather paltry sum for all that travel.

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
3 years ago

Quite late, but @Newt:

I’ll be sure to look that up.

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
3 years ago

Looking that travel over, and…did I read that reimbursement amount right? $33.33 for a round trip to the moon and back?!?

At least they were using their employer’s vehicle and fuel.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
3 years ago

Here’s a breakdown of the claim. Looks like, dollar per day for travel. $8 for the time actually on the Moon. Appears they deducted $2.25 in lieu of something (‘meals’?).

That’s the public sector for you. Still, I’m sure the taxpayers approve.
comment image

ETA: Ha, seems he did have to use his ‘personal own vehicle’ for bits of it and got $10

mrex
mrex
3 years ago

@Olhman

Yes, I agree that guys don’t last as long when they’re desperately horny. Which is why it’s often a bad idea to rely exclusively on P in V sex when having sex with women. 😉

Men tend to talk shit about premature ejaculation like women universally hate it, but I’ve never had any problems with a guy that came too fast. On the other hand, I’ve also slept with a guy that had delayed ejaculation, and trust me, it’s faaarrrrr easier to compensate for PE than it is for DE.

Also refactory periods exist. 🙂 They just vary a lot from individual to individual.

Valentine
Valentine
3 years ago

Ah, sorry. Since she learned Russian in the US Air Force she was showing off her knowledge of aviation terms in Russian (‘icing on the wings’ means that there is ice on the wings (not the sugary stuff that is on a cake), which can cause the airplane to have less lift and not fly very well)

Sorry I still dont understand…she means she can say ‘icing on the wings’ on russian? Or it is something they say in us air force that means something? Because my interpret is that it was like some metaphor for experience, not really that she meant ice directly….

“Cosmonaut” Buzz Aldrin? *grin* (I don’t mind “cosmonaut”, but some people in the US would be very annoyed

) this is simply what my translator suggested.

Weatherwax
Weatherwax
3 years ago

OT (Although I’m enjoying how far the conversation has got whilst staying broadly on-topic 🙂 ) I’ve just noticed The Red Pill is available on Amazon Prime (in the UK). If I start watching, does any money land in the makers’ pockets (I’m guessing yes, but not much)?

After the last couple of weeks, I’m not sure I have the emotional resources for it (except as a 1984 styley Minute of Hate – only longer). But comments welcome.

Sorry if someone already noticed, and I missed it.

kupo
kupo
3 years ago

@Valentine
It’s literal ice on the wing of the plane, which is important info to be able to share with pilots/ground crew. Since she was in the air force, she learned air force lingo and people are impressed by the knowledge of such a specific term, not because it means anything.

Edit: @Weatherwax
I’m not sure if they pay for content by view or not.

Fishy Goat
Fishy Goat
3 years ago

@kupo Thanks. I’m despairing that English no longer seems to be my first language. /s 😛 (Not just here, at work, too.)

Valentine
Valentine
3 years ago

@ Fishy and Kupo

It’s literal ice on the wing of the plane, which is important info to be able to share with pilots/ground crew. Since she was in the air force, she learned air force lingo and people are impressed by the knowledge of such a specific term, not because it means anything

I am stupid, sorry, that is not from you fishy, i became confused – i just fully misunderstand everything that people said about this. )) if it would be some metaphor then it is pretty strange – i dont know what it can be for…

Weatherwax
Weatherwax
3 years ago

@Kupo

If I start watching, does any money land in the makers’ pockets (I’m guessing yes, but not much)?

I’m not sure if they pay for content by view or not.

Thanks Kupo. Does anyone else know?

ETA I’ve just watched the trailer which is heavily skewed pro-MRA. Not that this means the film is, but still… and it has a rating of 9.6/10, practically all either 5’s or 1’s.

I was looking for something nice to watch 🙁

Weatherwax
Weatherwax
3 years ago

I was looking for something nice to watch

Casablanca has been recently added!

And Toni Erdmann!

Imaginary Petal
Imaginary Petal
3 years ago

I’m treating this whole thread as a TMI warning now.

I’ve never had a “refractory period”. I have no idea what people mean when they say that. Well, I know what it means, but I can’t relate at all.

Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
3 years ago

[TMI!]

So, one thing I’ve always wondered about the “1-2 times a week” thing – is that the number of sessions or the number of orgasms? Because those are veeery different things.

Ahem.

>_>

Look, my libido’s through the roof and I have the opposite of a refractory whatever, so sue me.

Cohen the Librarian
Cohen the Librarian
3 years ago

My feeling is that if the number of sessions greatly exceeds the number of orgasms that’s a sign that something is not quite right. But perhaps others’ experiences differ?

dslucia
dslucia
3 years ago

Continuing on the TMI party, I suppose!

Look, my libido’s through the roof and I have the opposite of a refractory whatever, so sue me.

Same, really. My refractory period tends to be about ten minutes or so, though things do get, er, sore after long enough, and after two or three times there isn’t usually much left to, uh, get out.

That’s another reason why, as someone mentioned above, P-n-V sex really is not the end-all be-all of things, though. There’s so much other fun to be had.

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
3 years ago

@Cohen

My feeling is that if the number of sessions greatly exceeds the number of orgasms that’s a sign that something is not quite right. But perhaps others’ experiences differ?

(TMI)
I don’t like orgasming. Ejaculation feels weird, it’s messy, and the refractory period isn’t fun. I masturbate all the time. I orgasm a few times a year. Mostly for the novelty of it. Can’t speak for anyone else (surely most will disagree), but my sessions have been way better since I realized I didn’t hafta… finish. Maybe it’s an asexual thing, i dunno…
(/TMI)

JS
JS
3 years ago

I watched Fox News recently.

The coverage of the vehicular assault at the Mosque was surprisingly a bit fairer than I expected.

Of course, they made sure to mention that it had been run by that bad imam several times, but each time said that the mosque was one of the best examples of changing towards more inclusive ideas. Fox News is repetitive. Fox News is repetitive.

Of course they were careful also not to say that the driver was a terrorist, instead calling him a perpetrator, suspect, etc. etc.

Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
3 years ago

[More TMI!]

My feeling is that if the number of sessions greatly exceeds the number of orgasms that’s a sign that something is not quite right.

If you meant me, other way around. I usually go ≈ 10 times a session.

*hides forever* =P

Imaginary Petal
Imaginary Petal
3 years ago

@SFHC

My record is 20!

Paradoxical Intention - Leader of the Deathclaw Damsels

TMI Party:

I actually sat down with a friend (via Skype) once and I managed 14 in about two hours by his count.

Though, I think that if I didn’t have to change the batteries on the shitty little vibrator I had at the time, I could have maybe managed more, since as the batteries died, the buzz went down with it.

I’m sure if I used my wall-powered wand, I could really go for it. Doubly so if I made it a team sport. 😉

kupo
kupo
3 years ago

Funny how different everyone is. I get bored after 2-3.

Policy of Madness
Policy of Madness
3 years ago

@Arctic Ape

European warrior class and somewhat calloused hands (from holding reins, if that’s even possible)

Can attest that it’s not only possible, it’s inevitable if you ride even occasionally without wearing gloves religiously.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

Kupo,

Me too.

Also, whenever I hear about tantric sex I think “who has the patience for that?”

Cohen the Librarian
Cohen the Librarian
3 years ago

@kupo @paradoxical

I am frankly envious of some of the folks here and their multiple orgasms, but I console myself with the thought that this may be why I have never required lotion…

Bearpelt
Bearpelt
3 years ago

Mmm yes touch me with your ALLIGATOR HANDS *dies laughing*

AsAboveSoBelow
AsAboveSoBelow
3 years ago

“Hey, man, where’d you get that loooo-tionnn?”

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
3 years ago

@ asabovesobelow

Must say, used to think that song was perfect; but love the Prodigy revamp.

Feline
Feline
3 years ago

About Aulma’s claim of

2 times a week is the acceptable amount according to doctors,

(and being the kind of person who’ve often uttered the words “I’ve read that” and also “I seem to recall that” I fully understand the impulse of “I have this bit of relevant knowledge rattling in my head that I must share”, but vetting is important if one happens to be this kind of nerd with a head full of free floating knowledge. E.g. I keep a bookmark in my browser to have at the ready when people dispute my claim that abortion rates are independent of it’s legality)
I’d guess that the overlap between “doctors” claiming this and promoting infant circumcision is near absolute.

@Gussie Jives:

I don’t think Halleck has anything to worry about. All his baliset playing I’m sure has left his fingertips plenty calloused.
[…]

A++ reference.

Now, since we’re talking about penises (this is your TMI warning).

@Axecalibur:

What is with this ‘circumcised folks’ junk is a gnarly, bloody hellscape’ thing. I’ve never heard of that before. I mean, yeah, it… toughens up over the years.

That it does. Some people have foreskins that will only cover part of the glans, and I suppose they’d be able to tell you (but if this describes you, you should be aware that this is similar to early stages of phimosis, so if you haven’t spoken to your dick doctor about it you should). Now me, I know the difference between the majority of my glans and the bit below the rim, which is generally covered by the remnants of my foreskin. There’s no ‘gnarly, bloody hellscape’ anywhere, but there is a significant difference. Not only in sensitivity, but there’s also a noticeable difference in texture.

Now (and this is you ICK! warning),

if you were looking to have parts of the head of your dick red, sore and sloughing, I’d recommend showering thrice daily over wanking thrice daily.

\n\n\n\n\n\n

If you took the warnings seriously you can resume reading below this

mrex
mrex
3 years ago

@ SFHC

“So, one thing I’ve always wondered about the “1-2 times a week” thing – is that the number of sessions or the number of orgasms? Because those are veeery different things.”

I’m kinda assuming that the type of person that assumes that 1-2 times a week is “normal” is also the type of person who assumes that masturbation always leads to orgasm. Because they’re the type of person who assumes that “average” means “normal” and everything else is “abnormal”.

Refractory Period TMI

I’m getting one as I get older, although maybe I always had it and I never noticed before because it was super short. Luckily, I can still have a few orgasms as long as I don’t take a breather. Once I drop out of arousal, it becomes a bear to become aroused again for the next half day or so, depending on where I am in my cycle.

I actually really like having a refactory period. Being horny and up for sex all the time suuuucks.

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
3 years ago

@Feline

your dick doctor

Now now, my doctor’s actually quite nice, and… Oh… 😛

if you were looking to have parts of the head of your dick red, sore and sloughing, I’d recommend showering thrice daily over wanking thrice daily

Not even being facetious, I’ll def keep that in mind *shudders*

JS
JS
3 years ago

It rubs the lotion on its penis, or else it gets the hose again

Bina
3 years ago

OMG, between Pun puniscus, Buzz Aldrin’s travel voucher for the Moon Shot, and the David Byrne lyrics, I am loving this thread tonight.

So much so that I must dig up some fap-music by and for clit-people:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hb37Nh_Sg4g

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFq4E9XTueY

(Note the number of masturbation-related sight gags in that latter one!)

PaganReader - Misandrist Spinster

It rubs the lotion on its penis, or else it gets the hose again

What if the hose is the penis though

http://s3.media.squarespace.com/production/920827/11462743/_wGr8njEWjtI/SD9s3QAr2zI/AAAAAAAAAD0/A2SDG5IQvVo/s400/china%2Bfireman.jpg