By David Futrelle
Professional “pickup artists” tend to have a thing against masturbation, largely because (one suspects) men who are not continually sexually frustrated are less receptive to their nonsense PUA teachings. And so it’s hardly surprising to find an anti-masturbation tirade on Roosh V’s crap site Return of Kings today, filled with cherry-picked science and assorted weird leaps of logic intended to prove that masturbation is very very bad for men.
Overall the post, written by a self-proclaimed “licensed personal trainer, martial artist, musician, writer, and (barely) a video reviewer and cartoonist” named Larsen Halleck, is a pretty standard example of its very particular genre.
But there’s one part of the post that strikes me as original. Seems that one of the reasons masturbation is such a bad idea for manly men is that … it makes their hands unpleasingly soft. You know, because of all the lotion.
“[W]omen are just not attracted to buttery soft, womanly hands,” Halleck declares.
In my personal experience, women love to feel the calluses upon a man’s hands, and just one lotion-soaked fap session a week will take away from the sexy, alligator-like roughness of your palms.
So fellas, forget all you’ve heard about masturbation making hair grow on your palms. Apparently it actually turns your manly man hands into lady hands.
Of course, Halleck’s advice isn’t exactly useful for those dudes whose hands have already turned “buttery soft,” and who don’t have time enough to get them all callousy before their next hot date. Luckily there is another option: stop by the local hardware store to get yourself some sandpaper-coated sanding gloves like, say, these.
Take my word for it, fellas, the ladies love to be sanded down and buffed like an old dresser you found in the alley.
@Fran,
This one always cracks me up. Ok, sometimes it makes me froth with rage. I’m quite a fan of some ancient Greek stuff, but I’m sure that all those Arab and Asian mathematicians, poets, scientists, and writers would be astonished to hear that all knowledge was developed by Greeks.
OT, but I just saw this on Twitter and it made me think of you –
it’s so awesome. Is this girl the best or what?
I can’t believe I’m this annoyed that some internet randos don’t know the difference between callouses and chapped skin. Callouses develop to protect your skin from friction. I’m a custodian, I use lotion all the time, and I still have callouses because they’re preferable to blisters.
I’ve only been with men on the lower end of the socio-economic scale and, yeah, they have callouses. I do like it, actually. Provides a little piquant roughness. But, uh, not moisturizing will not cause callouses. Only physical work does that. I don’t think any of the dopes reading RoK are going to be able to pass themselves off as working class men. This is the same level of stupidity as the ‘pretend to be a biker to get laid’ thing from a few weeks back.
I’m sorry, I just couldn’t get past the “personal experience” part. Obviously, this guy has never even MET a woman.
And speaking as one who frequently suffers from dry skin, trust me…putting lotion on your hands just once a week isn’t gonna cut it, much less against calluses (which have to be acid-peeled and sanded off).
This guy doesn’t even have much experience as a wanker, much less as…well, a non-wanker.
Apologies for yet another post and it’s also very OT but: a white guy in London just drove his van into a crowd of Muslims and this is the Daily Mail front page
@Alan
Snort.
Whoa! Must investigate further.
@Katz
You are a genius! And you think of everything. Alan, I hope you’re reading this.
@Axecalibur
New Math? I’ll defer to you on this because you seem to know something about the subject.
@Mish
Alt-right white dudes get scarier every day. My heart goes out to everyone affected.
@Kat
Okay, my lips are sealed.
@Mish
When you hafta torture a run on sentence just to fit in all your bigoted bullshit
Hippodameia –
Real men wouldn’t use Lava soap, – they would use actual molten lava, straight from the volcano, to clean themselves with.
Re London. Again. 🙁
Another one of my favorite places, I am a loss for words 🙁
Just flipped on the local (Chicago) news – this was the first story.
Well, we all care here. Plenty of Brits live here and travel here too.
Aforementioned local news story is online here –
http://wgntv.com/2017/06/18/vehicle-runs-into-pedestrians-in-london/
(Included because it’s clear that with some incidents – some ‘outside news’ publishes details that others may not see, including the victims.)
Best thoughts from us here, anyway. We are watching here, all global news, we watch and are aware. Chicago still remains as a “Sanctuary City” as well.
@Grand High Adjutant Mish-nyan
Your Excellency has, indeed, amused us greatly. You are absolutely correct; the resemblance is quite clear.
I, for one, am grateful you took the time to bring it to my attention. I see that Mr. Paddy Dinham has wasted no time making sure to blame the victims for this atrocity.
I did some more exploratory research into the matter and noticed that the Metropolitan Police are calling this a ‘major incident’, and I am enraged that they have not called this a blatant and obvious act of domestic terrorism.
If you’re a guy (or penis person of any gender identity), fapping shouldn’t cause you any problems as long as you’re personally happy with how often you do it.
The people who end up with problems are the ones who have maybe 10 browser tabs open to different porn at once and they need to constantly switch tabs to get off. Needing that level of novelty can make it hard to be satisfied in an actual relationship.
@Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
hey look at this horrible situation but still let’s remember that this was a bad mosque and the white guy wasn’t that bad when you look at it-
Hmmm… Odd that the Mail would start channeling Fox News. The important part is to mention the “hate cleric” in the headline, right?
Perhaps they’re even owned by the same person.
@Oogly
@Axe
Padraig’s really doing the damn thing, isn’t he?
You guys can boop me on the snoot for this, but I just knew it would be a Padraig doing it, of course. Does that make me a horrid person? It probably does.
@History Nerd
http://i.imgur.com/ZsEe1CW.gif
@Fran:
I’m capable of jumping 100 feet in the air, without any effort, and can defeat entire armies by simply flicking a coin in their general direction. Currently, I’m the King of five different countries and have slept with over a thousand super models. There was also the time I created a time machine and used it to basically start Western civilization, which you should thank me for, as well as inventing the wheel. Also, every profound insight from various philosophers? I came up with them first and just allowed them to quote me without credit – ’cause I’m that humble…
@NickNameNick
The Hoteps warned me that the White Man was infinitely powerful, though I was unprepared to face the full magnitude of your ability.
Your real name is Carolus Magnus Rex, and I claim my five pounds.
@Francesca Torpedo, Femoid Special Forces Major
He could have at least done something more vile such as “Van Driver Injures Members of A Mosque Linked to Terrorism.”
There you obfuscate the fact that this person is white and a man, dehumanizes the victims by not even specifying what crime is committed and a link to fear mongering to lessen the impact of what the person did. But to hell with that, as the Daily Mail writer I must capitalize on my hate agenda NAO!1!1!
Years of having Fox News as the default evening news since grade school have done me well /s
@Fran
I know. I’m trapped in the 18th century sometimes.
@Flora
Re: your gator-with-rose-in-teeth image-is that Louis from The Princess and the Frog? I haven’t said much about it on here, but I’m a bit of a Disney (and especially Disney Princess) nerd, so that was my first thought when I saw it.
ETA: Did a Google Images search and it is Louis! Gotta love a cute alligator who just wants to be a great trumpeter.
Off-topic:
@Alan:
Heh, thanks DS. Need something like that just now.
Argh, this is horrible. Was having a lovely phone chat with a friend (she’s got tomorrow off, so she called at 3am to rub it in) when we got news. We’d just been talking about the state of the world. She’s a mate of Jo Cox. They’d had a sort of commemoration this week. The theme very much about not letting the wankers divide us. Then this happens. Much discussion thereafter on the whole “What’s the point of reaching out?” Oh ooglyboggles, told her your thing about “meeting half way when they start walking”. She liked that and both agreed, no disrespect to the memory of Jo, but what’s the point
Sorry, rambling.
@Mish:
Fuuuuuu. I just spotted that on my Facebook feed (the link was CBC). And of course, it WOULD be Finsbury Park, site of a notorious mosque. If this is not vehicular terrorism, I’ll eat my entire collection of hats (and it’s a big ‘un.)
Meanwhile, it turns out that Muslims staying up late to eat their iftar meals (it’s Ramadan) helped raise the alarm and save lives in the Grenfell Tower fire.
This white person is so fucking DONE with white nonsense.
@dslucia,
That horse is utterly charming, and as Alan said, needed right now.
@Fran,
Obv I had no idea if this girl looked like you – but her attitude and her cosplaying yelled “Fran!” at me xo
@Nick,
That sounds utterly exhausting… 😀
ETA
@Bina – I’ll join your fed up white person brigade, please. FFS
Meanwhile:
I googled, and found this little cutie:
…which looks like it would make a fun fidget spinner.
Please, Bina, I’m down to the last keyboard of the dozen I ordered when I started visiting WHTM.
We need a trigger warning for Don’t Read This Post If You Have Anything In Your Mouth!