Categories
'bating gender policing mansplaining men who should not ever be with women ever PUA return of kings sex

Guys! Stop ‘bating because it will make your hands soft and ladylike, Return of Kings warns

Turns out that hairy palms are the least of your worries, guys!

By David Futrelle

Professional “pickup artists” tend to have a thing against masturbation, largely because (one suspects) men who are not continually sexually frustrated are less receptive to their nonsense PUA teachings. And so it’s hardly surprising to find an anti-masturbation tirade on Roosh V’s crap site Return of Kings today, filled with cherry-picked science and assorted weird leaps of logic intended to prove that masturbation is very very bad for men.

Overall the post, written by a self-proclaimed “licensed personal trainer, martial artist, musician, writer, and (barely) a video reviewer and cartoonist” named Larsen Halleck, is a pretty standard example of its very particular genre.

But there’s one part of the post that strikes me as original. Seems that one of the reasons masturbation is such a bad idea for manly men is that … it makes their hands unpleasingly soft. You know, because of all the lotion.

“[W]omen are just not attracted to buttery soft, womanly hands,” Halleck declares.

In my personal experience, women love to feel the calluses upon a man’s hands, and just one lotion-soaked fap session a week will take away from the sexy, alligator-like roughness of your palms.

So fellas, forget all you’ve heard about masturbation making hair grow on your palms. Apparently it actually turns your manly man hands into lady hands.

Of course, Halleck’s advice isn’t exactly useful for those dudes whose hands have already turned “buttery soft,” and who don’t have time enough to get them all callousy before their next hot date. Luckily there is another option: stop by the local hardware store to get yourself some sandpaper-coated sanding gloves like, say, these.

Take my word for it, fellas, the ladies love to be sanded down and buffed like an old dresser you found in the alley.

Subscribe
Notify of
guest

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

284 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
3 years ago

@Fran,

They also like to jerk themselves raw over how the Hellenic people personally invented civilization, all by their onesies. They invented democracy, writing things down, math, science, and medicine. It was them. Therefore, White People Are Superior

This one always cracks me up. Ok, sometimes it makes me froth with rage. I’m quite a fan of some ancient Greek stuff, but I’m sure that all those Arab and Asian mathematicians, poets, scientists, and writers would be astonished to hear that all knowledge was developed by Greeks.

OT, but I just saw this on Twitter and it made me think of you –
it’s so awesome. Is this girl the best or what?

comment image

LindsayIrene, Rioting Werebonobo

I can’t believe I’m this annoyed that some internet randos don’t know the difference between callouses and chapped skin. Callouses develop to protect your skin from friction. I’m a custodian, I use lotion all the time, and I still have callouses because they’re preferable to blisters.

I’ve only been with men on the lower end of the socio-economic scale and, yeah, they have callouses. I do like it, actually. Provides a little piquant roughness. But, uh, not moisturizing will not cause callouses. Only physical work does that. I don’t think any of the dopes reading RoK are going to be able to pass themselves off as working class men. This is the same level of stupidity as the ‘pretend to be a biker to get laid’ thing from a few weeks back.

Bina
3 years ago

In my personal experience, women love to feel the calluses upon a man’s hands, and just one lotion-soaked fap session a week will take away from the sexy, alligator-like roughness of your palms.

I’m sorry, I just couldn’t get past the “personal experience” part. Obviously, this guy has never even MET a woman.

And speaking as one who frequently suffers from dry skin, trust me…putting lotion on your hands just once a week isn’t gonna cut it, much less against calluses (which have to be acid-peeled and sanded off).

This guy doesn’t even have much experience as a wanker, much less as…well, a non-wanker.

Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
3 years ago

Apologies for yet another post and it’s also very OT but: a white guy in London just drove his van into a crowd of Muslims and this is the Daily Mail front page

comment image

Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
3 years ago

@Alan

@ kat

You ever seen Father Ted?

(as Tom comes out of the Post Office with money, to the sound of a robbery alarm and a gunshot)

Father Ted: You haven’t been up to your old tricks again, have you?

Tom: No, Father. ‘Tis my money. I just didn’t want to fill out the forms.

Snort.

Spartan women carried special knives so that if their husbands abused them they could scar them in a particular way. That way all the other Spartans would know why she kicked him out.

Whoa! Must investigate further.

@Katz

My only tip is to carry out this endeavor at a post office that is not your local post office.

Also, don’t drop off a letter with your return address on it at the same time.

You are a genius! And you think of everything. Alan, I hope you’re reading this.

@Axecalibur

Do your words make the reader think of cunnilingus? Then it is a reference

Now now, be reasonable. They can have 3 references to cunnilingus and 9 (3^2) references to references to cunnilingus. It’s only fair…

New Math? I’ll defer to you on this because you seem to know something about the subject.

kupo
kupo
3 years ago

@Mish
Alt-right white dudes get scarier every day. My heart goes out to everyone affected.

Imaginary Petal
Imaginary Petal
3 years ago

@Kat

Okay, my lips are sealed.

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
3 years ago

@Mish
When you hafta torture a run on sentence just to fit in all your bigoted bullshit
comment image

Z&T
Z&T
3 years ago

Hippodameia –

Real men wouldn’t use Lava soap, – they would use actual molten lava, straight from the volcano, to clean themselves with.

Re London. Again. 🙁
Another one of my favorite places, I am a loss for words 🙁

Just flipped on the local (Chicago) news – this was the first story.

Well, we all care here. Plenty of Brits live here and travel here too.

Aforementioned local news story is online here –
http://wgntv.com/2017/06/18/vehicle-runs-into-pedestrians-in-london/

(Included because it’s clear that with some incidents – some ‘outside news’ publishes details that others may not see, including the victims.)

Best thoughts from us here, anyway. We are watching here, all global news, we watch and are aware. Chicago still remains as a “Sanctuary City” as well.

Francesca Torpedo, Femoid Special Forces Major
Francesca Torpedo, Femoid Special Forces Major
3 years ago

@Grand High Adjutant Mish-nyan

Your Excellency has, indeed, amused us greatly. You are absolutely correct; the resemblance is quite clear.

Apologies for yet another post and it’s also very OT but: a white guy in London just drove his van into a crowd of Muslims and this is the Daily Mail front page

I, for one, am grateful you took the time to bring it to my attention. I see that Mr. Paddy Dinham has wasted no time making sure to blame the victims for this atrocity.

I did some more exploratory research into the matter and noticed that the Metropolitan Police are calling this a ‘major incident’, and I am enraged that they have not called this a blatant and obvious act of domestic terrorism.

History Nerd
History Nerd
3 years ago

If you’re a guy (or penis person of any gender identity), fapping shouldn’t cause you any problems as long as you’re personally happy with how often you do it.

The people who end up with problems are the ones who have maybe 10 browser tabs open to different porn at once and they need to constantly switch tabs to get off. Needing that level of novelty can make it hard to be satisfied in an actual relationship.

Ooglyboggles
Ooglyboggles
3 years ago

@Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
hey look at this horrible situation but still let’s remember that this was a bad mosque and the white guy wasn’t that bad when you look at it-

JS
JS
3 years ago

Hmmm… Odd that the Mail would start channeling Fox News. The important part is to mention the “hate cleric” in the headline, right?

Perhaps they’re even owned by the same person.

Francesca Torpedo, Femoid Special Forces Major
Francesca Torpedo, Femoid Special Forces Major
3 years ago

@Oogly
@Axe

Padraig’s really doing the damn thing, isn’t he?

You guys can boop me on the snoot for this, but I just knew it would be a Padraig doing it, of course. Does that make me a horrid person? It probably does.

@History Nerd

If you’re a guy (or penis person of any gender identity),

http://i.imgur.com/ZsEe1CW.gif

NickNameNick
NickNameNick
3 years ago

@Fran:

I agree entirely. In fact, I too can be delusional.

According to the Hotep Mythology, I am an invincible, totally powerful black Goddess-Empress who can make and unmake reality with a single movement of my hand, and summon hundreds of thousands of intergalactic Kemetic Egyptian Nubian Warships with a thought.

Beat that, MRA dude.

Sir Alan knows I’m not lying, he’s currently overseeing the Fleet Shipyards in the North of England, a centre for manufacturing of all sorts.

I’m capable of jumping 100 feet in the air, without any effort, and can defeat entire armies by simply flicking a coin in their general direction. Currently, I’m the King of five different countries and have slept with over a thousand super models. There was also the time I created a time machine and used it to basically start Western civilization, which you should thank me for, as well as inventing the wheel. Also, every profound insight from various philosophers? I came up with them first and just allowed them to quote me without credit – ’cause I’m that humble…

Francesca Torpedo, Femoid Special Forces Major
Francesca Torpedo, Femoid Special Forces Major
3 years ago

@NickNameNick

The Hoteps warned me that the White Man was infinitely powerful, though I was unprepared to face the full magnitude of your ability.

Currently, I’m the King of five different countries and have slept with over a thousand super models.

Your real name is Carolus Magnus Rex, and I claim my five pounds.

Ooglyboggles
Ooglyboggles
3 years ago

@Francesca Torpedo, Femoid Special Forces Major
He could have at least done something more vile such as “Van Driver Injures Members of A Mosque Linked to Terrorism.”

There you obfuscate the fact that this person is white and a man, dehumanizes the victims by not even specifying what crime is committed and a link to fear mongering to lessen the impact of what the person did. But to hell with that, as the Daily Mail writer I must capitalize on my hate agenda NAO!1!1!

Years of having Fox News as the default evening news since grade school have done me well /s

History Nerd
History Nerd
3 years ago

@Fran

I know. I’m trapped in the 18th century sometimes.

Nikki the Bluth Wannabe
Nikki the Bluth Wannabe
3 years ago

@Flora
Re: your gator-with-rose-in-teeth image-is that Louis from The Princess and the Frog? I haven’t said much about it on here, but I’m a bit of a Disney (and especially Disney Princess) nerd, so that was my first thought when I saw it.
ETA: Did a Google Images search and it is Louis! Gotta love a cute alligator who just wants to be a great trumpeter.

dslucia
dslucia
3 years ago

Off-topic:

@Alan:
comment image

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
3 years ago

Heh, thanks DS. Need something like that just now.

Argh, this is horrible. Was having a lovely phone chat with a friend (she’s got tomorrow off, so she called at 3am to rub it in) when we got news. We’d just been talking about the state of the world. She’s a mate of Jo Cox. They’d had a sort of commemoration this week. The theme very much about not letting the wankers divide us. Then this happens. Much discussion thereafter on the whole “What’s the point of reaching out?” Oh ooglyboggles, told her your thing about “meeting half way when they start walking”. She liked that and both agreed, no disrespect to the memory of Jo, but what’s the point

Sorry, rambling.

Bina
3 years ago

@Mish:

Apologies for yet another post and it’s also very OT but: a white guy in London just drove his van into a crowd of Muslims and this is the Daily Mail front page

Fuuuuuu. I just spotted that on my Facebook feed (the link was CBC). And of course, it WOULD be Finsbury Park, site of a notorious mosque. If this is not vehicular terrorism, I’ll eat my entire collection of hats (and it’s a big ‘un.)

Meanwhile, it turns out that Muslims staying up late to eat their iftar meals (it’s Ramadan) helped raise the alarm and save lives in the Grenfell Tower fire.

This white person is so fucking DONE with white nonsense.

Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
3 years ago

@dslucia,
That horse is utterly charming, and as Alan said, needed right now.

@Fran,
Obv I had no idea if this girl looked like you – but her attitude and her cosplaying yelled “Fran!” at me xo

@Nick,
That sounds utterly exhausting… 😀

ETA
@Bina – I’ll join your fed up white person brigade, please. FFS

Bina
3 years ago

Meanwhile:

penis person

I googled, and found this little cutie:

comment image

…which looks like it would make a fun fidget spinner.

GrumpyOld SocialJusticeMangina
GrumpyOld SocialJusticeMangina
3 years ago

Please, Bina, I’m down to the last keyboard of the dozen I ordered when I started visiting WHTM.

We need a trigger warning for Don’t Read This Post If You Have Anything In Your Mouth!

Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
3 years ago

GrumpyOld SocialJusticeMangina is damn right, again.

Imagine the marketing for this one: “Get your hands on a Priapic Fidget Spinner!!!
Comes [see what I did there] in all sizes and colours!!!”

History Nerd
History Nerd
3 years ago

I’d guess Roosh has some extremist naturalistic argument for why fapping is EEEEEEVIL, given that he seems to have a preference for what everyone else considers morally problematic sex acts.

NickNameNick
NickNameNick
3 years ago

@Mish:

That sounds utterly exhausting… 😀

Thank God I started that organization made up of myself from various alternate timelines, like Reed Richards or Rick Sanchez!

I like to call it the “Network of Nick”…

Bina
3 years ago

@Mish:

“Get your hands on a Priapic Fidget Spinner!!!
Comes [see what I did there] in all sizes and colours!!!”

Valentine
Valentine
3 years ago

This man who driven his truck into the mosque is exactly what terrorists want – they want now that people will attack muslims and that right wing news papers will publish that they support this behaviour. At least they will say like this headline which is giving some ‘reason’ why it is okay….is every where where was Abu Hamza cursed or something? So if bad things happen there, well its their problem – what they expect? Abu Hamza was here before! -_-

GrumpyOld SocialJusticeMangina
GrumpyOld SocialJusticeMangina
3 years ago

Mish: And I was going to write: “Trigger Warning: Be sure to swallow before reading this post”; but on reflection I thought the potential double entendre was a bit tasteless.

Also I thought it might be a bit messy to have a toy that comes on your desk — and fidgeting with it in polite company …

GrumpyOld SocialJusticeMangina
GrumpyOld SocialJusticeMangina
3 years ago

Valentine: It is so obvious that the Islamic radicals would love to start a war with the “Christian” world, because they think those 1.6 billion Muslims would be forced to join a battle the vast majority of them don’t want.

Valentine
Valentine
3 years ago

Grumpy, i dont understand sorry. You agree or disagree with me? Because my post is sarcastic…

Edit: i think seriously isil wants all muslims to be hate by everyone else.

misophistry
misophistry
3 years ago

Do folks really use lotion when they fap? Anyone care to tell me about their favorite fap lotion?

Fishy Goat
Fishy Goat
3 years ago

@JS They don’t call it the ‘Daily Fail’ for nothing….

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
3 years ago

@ fishy goat

We prefer “Daily Heil”.

JS
JS
3 years ago

@Valentine, yes, ISIL wants muslims to be hated. Muslims who feel hated by the “secular world” are easier to recruit into their murder cult.

If people are happy where they are, it’s harder to get them to participate in terrorism plans.

Valentine
Valentine
3 years ago

@JS this is what i mean to say…and i think also what grumpy said but i just misunderstand.

Do folks really use lotion when they fap?

Also my question! I think only necessary for those with circumcision…

misophistry
misophistry
3 years ago

This lotion thing I never heard about until I watched an american teen movie – probably road trip or american pie I don’t recall.

In the UK as a teenager I heard of a thing called a “posh wank” where the penis-person masturbates while wearing a johnny so saving on clean-up. Called a posh-wank because it costs a pound I suppose.

This bloody terrorism thing sucks. Every bleedin EDL man with a van is now a ticking timebomb. I heck of a lot of the EDL drive vans too. Be lookin both ways before I cross the road for sure. Still I’m sure it would be worse if we all had concealed carry handguns etc. Rivers of bleeding blood.

Its mostly the daily fails fault I say. They should be up on incitement to violence charges.

JS
JS
3 years ago

I don’t have first-hand knowledge about un-circumcised penises, but I suspect it to be a good idea either way. Doesn’t matter as much for younger people.

It helps cut down on soreness from “overuse” or dryness, if it’s the right lotion. Skin lubricant is better.

About ISIL, yeah, it seems we’re all agreeing they’d love it if muslims were hated.

And that’s the first time I’ve mentioned ISIL and penises in the same post.

Valentine
Valentine
3 years ago

Called a posh-wank because it costs a pound I suppose.

Health center gives free condoms ;))) for wise shoppers 😉

I don’t have first-hand knowledge about un-circumcised penises, but I suspect it to be a good idea either way.

Well for me (sorry if too much info) i never use lotion and dont see why i ever should. But in usa they always circumcision baby boys when they born? In most places it not like this- unless someone is jewish i think?

And that’s the first time I’ve mentioned ISIL and penises in the same post

You never said they ‘dickheads’? ))))

GrumpyOld SocialJusticeMangina
GrumpyOld SocialJusticeMangina
3 years ago

Valentine: I was agreeing with you. And I said “Christian” rather than “West” because I believe ISIS wants to include Russia in its holy war enemies.

You are doing quite well in English — it isn’t easy to write well in a foreign language.

Witch of Endor
Witch of Endor
3 years ago

I know how I work. I would stick that penis-person in my mouth and start biting it absentmindedly, while people looked on, horrified.

Valentine
Valentine
3 years ago

Grumpy, i am much better writing than speaking, because i have interpreter/translator, dictonary and my english keyboard fills in what i want to say)))) so basically i am cheating. Isis is including russia i think because of airstrikes – before they have complicated thoughts about russia because russia does things like selling weapons to people secretly. Why you think they all have so many ak47?

Croquembouche, poorly-dressed vandal
Croquembouche, poorly-dressed vandal
3 years ago

I would have thought aficionados of the fap technique known as “The Stranger” would consider it an enhancement to have a woman’s hands.
https://youtu.be/_EfW9znJYjw

ETA: Link is safe for work (Blackadder).

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
3 years ago

@ aulma

New Deli Spermer article:
“The cucking of Spartans: how women destroyed the Spartan civilization”.

Aristotle beat them to it by a couple of millennia…

This is why socially and politically women managed and led the community. Due to this Aristotle was critical of Sparta, claiming that men were ruled by women there, unlike in the rest of Greece. Aristotle also criticised Spartan women for their wealth. He attributed the state’s precipitous fall during his lifetime, from being the master of Greece to a second-rate power in less than 50 years, to the fact that Sparta had become a gynocracy whose women were intemperate and loved luxury.

Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
3 years ago

OT

This is an interesting article from the Associated Press, which I don’t usually think of as a bastion of feminism.

TW Extreme domestic violence

Argentina grassroots movement fights violence against women

http://enews.earthlink.net/article/pho?guid=20170619/86b499dc-5525-49d3-83c6-94fb2478d142&article_path=/article/top&article_guid=20170619/86b499dc-5525-49d3-83c6-94fb2478d142

TW Extreme domestic violence

Pie
Pie
3 years ago

@Francesca Torpedo

I always labored under the impression that they just declined quietly, as opposed to the way the Roman Empire spectacularly self-destructed in one huge blazing fireball.

Which roman empire? the western one took hundreds of years to go from its peak to being something that wasn’t an empire in any sense anymore, and the eastern one carried on for another thousand years after that until the ottomans finished them off. I dunno if that’s quite “self destruction”, and its a bit of a long time for a fireball.

Pie
Pie
3 years ago

@Alan Robertshaw

Apparently working with pineapples erases your fingerprints.

Can anyone confirm or deny?

Ideally before I do this Post Office robbery.

It might reduce the patterns, but you’ll still leave greasy finger splodges over everything and you’ll look a bit suspicious if the police ever take a look at your fingers. There’s a grand tradition of idiots mutilating their fingers thinking it makes them untraceable, but instead makes them stand out like a sore, uh, thumb.

Violet the Vile
Violet the Vile
3 years ago

@mish
Oh my god I hate the daily mail. And I hate Paul Dacre. And they should [REDACTED due to comments policy] with a [REDACTED due to comments policy]

@fran
To be fair, the Met never do call things terrorist incidents until they are absolutely certain there was a terrorist motive. There’s a good reason for that; it scares people. I used to work as a journalist and worked with the police on a couple of stories – they are quite strict about that kind of stuff around major incidents.

This is a recent incident so they are probably still establishing exactly who this guy is and why he did this. He could have been specifically targeting his ex girlfriend, or could have had a particular grudge against this particular mosque. You don’t want to announce it’s a terrorist incident and then find out it isn’t.

(I’m not doubting for a second that it is a terrorist attack, by the way, and I’m sure the police don’t either – just explaining that they are probably following protocol rather than just being dicks. There’ll probably be a press conference later and we’ll see what gets announced then)