Categories
'bating gender policing mansplaining men who should not ever be with women ever PUA return of kings sex

Guys! Stop ‘bating because it will make your hands soft and ladylike, Return of Kings warns

Turns out that hairy palms are the least of your worries, guys!

By David Futrelle

Professional “pickup artists” tend to have a thing against masturbation, largely because (one suspects) men who are not continually sexually frustrated are less receptive to their nonsense PUA teachings. And so it’s hardly surprising to find an anti-masturbation tirade on Roosh V’s crap site Return of Kings today, filled with cherry-picked science and assorted weird leaps of logic intended to prove that masturbation is very very bad for men.

Overall the post, written by a self-proclaimed “licensed personal trainer, martial artist, musician, writer, and (barely) a video reviewer and cartoonist” named Larsen Halleck, is a pretty standard example of its very particular genre.

But there’s one part of the post that strikes me as original. Seems that one of the reasons masturbation is such a bad idea for manly men is that … it makes their hands unpleasingly soft. You know, because of all the lotion.

“[W]omen are just not attracted to buttery soft, womanly hands,” Halleck declares.

In my personal experience, women love to feel the calluses upon a man’s hands, and just one lotion-soaked fap session a week will take away from the sexy, alligator-like roughness of your palms.

So fellas, forget all you’ve heard about masturbation making hair grow on your palms. Apparently it actually turns your manly man hands into lady hands.

Of course, Halleck’s advice isn’t exactly useful for those dudes whose hands have already turned “buttery soft,” and who don’t have time enough to get them all callousy before their next hot date. Luckily there is another option: stop by the local hardware store to get yourself some sandpaper-coated sanding gloves like, say, these.

Take my word for it, fellas, the ladies love to be sanded down and buffed like an old dresser you found in the alley.

Subscribe
Notify of
guest

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

284 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
3 years ago

@ kat

You ever seen Father Ted?

(as Tom comes out of the Post Office with money, to the sound of a robbery alarm and a gunshot)

Father Ted: You haven’t been up to your old tricks again, have you?

Tom: No, Father. ‘Tis my money. I just didn’t want to fill out the forms.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

There’s always the Kevin Spacey in Seven option if you want to be fingerprintless. That one doesn’t seem too fun though.

Aulma Frendzar Dèdd
Aulma Frendzar Dèdd
3 years ago

@Alan can confirm. Go ahead. Rob ’em all.

@Axe me too. Should be fun.

@Paradoxical Intention

Why the holy chafing FUCK does toxic masculinity do this to people? You have skin. That shit isn’t exclusive to feeemales.

Rough, cracking skin isn’t a fucking turn on, it’s a sign you can’t take care of yourself out of fear of Teh Gurl Cooties™. That’s not attractive, that’s just fucking sad.

They know. They’re just looking for a way to keep the readers glued to their website. They write questionable stuff so the gullible newcomers can go off in the comment section.

@EJ

Valizadeh knows that he’s haemorrhaging audience. He also knows that much of his audience don’t like him for racist reasons. His solution appears to be to find a dumber audience, one which will believe whatever he tells them uncritically and give him all their money.

That’s why he has so many new writers lately. He’s trying out different topics and perspectives to see which one brings him the most views, comments and money.
If it wasn’t for these new writers his website would be finished, he has nothing to offer anymore, that’s why he keeps pulling out old posts from the archives instead of writing new ones.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
3 years ago

Now I’ve got another fingerprint ‘fact’ on the tip of my brain.

Something about koalas? Like they all have the same fingerprints or something?

ETA: Ah, it’s that they have the same fingerprints as humans.

Cool, I’ll be able to frame one.

http://io9.gizmodo.com/5798400/koalas-have-exactly-the-same-fingerprints-as-humans

Lysistrata
Lysistrata
3 years ago

@Fran
I’m not a history nerd. But I read Greek drama, several of the philosophers, including political philosophers, lots of Plato. They had such good ideas. They had plenty bad ones too, deeply misogynist in their classical way. I don’t know how long the fall took, i only know it was a long way down from their ideals and innovations, from the energy and potential of their best ideas. They warned that the vulnerability of democracy was a demagogue and an angry crowd. Ta da. I was vaguely aware the alt-right claims them, but it’s kind of like what is said about porn: whatever thing you can think of, there’s a perverse alt-right appropriation of the thing.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
3 years ago

@ lysistrata

misogynist

Wasn’t it a Greek playwright who first used that word? The chap who did that list of stock characters (of which ‘the misogynist’ was one)

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
3 years ago

@Kat

Do your words make the reader think of cunnilingus? Then it is a reference

Now now, be reasonable. They can have 3 references to cunnilingus and 9 (3^2) references to references to cunnilingus. It’s only fair…

Valentine
Valentine
3 years ago

Lotion is used by men who have circumcision only though? And anyway trust, if you doing work that will make your hands have rough skin (like my work on ship) even lotion will not remove them. I also have some problem from before where my skin always falling off on my hands because we have HFO spill and sludge spill before and even with gloves your skin very quickly will become damaged. And also before now when i was cadet one cheif officer sent me and made me wash my hands with paint thinner.

Aulma Frendzar Dèdd
Aulma Frendzar Dèdd
3 years ago

@Francesca

I imagine that these fuckwits watched 300, which portrays the Lacedaemonians as being super-buff, masculine, white-skinned, blue-eyed Aryan Supermen, who spend a great deal of time killing brown people in slow motion, and believe that’s the definitive story behind Hellas.

They also like to jerk themselves raw over how the Hellenic people personally invented civilization, all by their onesies. They invented democracy, writing things down, math, science, and medicine. It was them. Therefore, White People Are Superior.

That’s their ideology in a nutshell.

Funny ’cause that’s exactly what they think. I was reading an article on the SPLC website and someone praised the Spartans’ high testosterone and masculinity for defending the west from muslims and brown people. Which of course is highly inaccurate historically if not complete wrong (it’s actually a butchering of history).

They love to kiss their own ass. Also I think you mean white men are superior, women are useless. /s

dreemr
dreemr
3 years ago

@Alan

Cool, I’ll be able to frame one.

No, Sir, you’ll be able to frame all of them.

Robert Walker-Smith
Robert Walker-Smith
3 years ago

Dave Sim, the cartoonist, has argued that prolonged abstinence from masturbation can reduce the desire for sexual activity. As corroboration, he explains that his interest in masturbation had significantly decreased by his forties, in noticeable contrast with what his twenties were like.

Thus demonstrating that his understanding of male sexuality is on par with his understanding of almost everything else.

As a Catholic in recovery, I can affirm that an authority figure who can persuade you that masturbation is a bad thing can persuade you of almost anything.

numerobis
numerobis
3 years ago

My experience matches Valentine’s: sexy rough callused rock climber hands become soft sexy rough callused rock climber hands when you apply lotion.

Ash
Ash
3 years ago

What these guys think women like is always amusing. Yeah, I want a man’s crusty alligator hands and dirty nails caressing my body at night. Gross.

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
3 years ago

@Valentine

I also have some problem from before where my skin always falling off on my hands because we have HFO spill and sludge spill before and even with gloves your skin very quickly will become damaged. And also before now when i was cadet one cheif officer sent me and made me wash my hands with paint thinner.

my skin always falling off on my hands

…Can I just say, jesus fucking christ how do you talk about that so casually.

JS
JS
3 years ago

Francesca’s previous mention of onesies reminded me of this possible new fashion statement for a man going their own way. Of course I doubt any MGTOW would ever be caught wearing such not-totally-masculine clothing.

I might if given money (not my style), but would prefer it had a locking zipper for wear by MGTOWs.

Lysistrata
Lysistrata
3 years ago

@Alan
I didn’t know (or remember, perhaps) that the misogynist was a stock character in Greek drama. Heh.

Btw dude, I am a huge fan of you. *blush*

Valentine
Valentine
3 years ago

@troubelle

Sorry maybe i make it sound worse than it is! It just coming off in little bits. Sometimes it is okay, sometimes it comes back and my skin just falling off in little bits. Like dry bits. But it not painful. Just little bit itching. It is my fault, i do not care for it properly and apply cream and often when i work i forget to use gloves.

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
3 years ago

@Valentine

Oh, thank God! That I can understand. My biggest problem is chronically dry, scaly, and occasionally bleedy elbows…Why those, nobody knows.

Lysistrata
Lysistrata
3 years ago

@Valya. Sounds like what we call eczema in English, it can result from burns or other damage. Horrible, painful, embarrassing. I had it for years, used to call it my leprosy. What put an end to it – a real end; it is over – was tepescohuite cream, an herb from Mexico. It’s available online as Mayan Magic, probably other sources. It has been good for some other skin issues I have, too. Might be of help.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
3 years ago

@ lysistrata

http://orig08.deviantart.net/546e/f/2015/006/a/0/aww_shucks_by_cayfie-d8cxkvr.gif

(Wish I could remember that playwright. I’ve got as far as “Greek sounding name” which isn’t exactly helpful)

Cleon
Cleon
3 years ago

Well, the downfall of Ancient Greece is a complicated question, because if depends on what you mean by Greece. The Macedonians, who conquered all of Greece (except Sparta) in 338 BC considered themselves Greek (and they definitely had Greek culture) but the Greeks of the time didn’t.
I suppose I’d call it the fall of the Achaean League, the last powerful Greek state in Greece itself, in 146 BC. I’d say Greece doesn’t so much decline; rather, Roman power grows and Rome eventually overshadows Greece

@Aluma
Odd that alt-right people would identify with Sparta, a civilization where women of the citizen class were practically the only people whose lives weren’t miserable.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
3 years ago

@ dreemr

No, Sir, you’ll be able to frame all of them.

That would be simultaneously the world’s cutest, and most confusing, identity parade.

Nequam
Nequam
3 years ago

@dreemr: I think it’s papayas that have the meat-tenderizing enzyme. (Yep: it’s papain.)

I don’t know if it’d take your fingerprints off, but working with pineapples could easily do a number on your skin, what with the rough outer coating and the somewhat acidic juice and pulp (pH 3.5, if Google is correct).

Valentine
Valentine
3 years ago

Lysistrata & Troubelle

Yeah i think my skin very sensitive and dry and after i start working this job i just damage it more because i am little bit stupid. Usually i just put nivea on. But mostly i do nothing 🙈 i will try to reaserch this myan magic thing.

Francesca Torpedo, Femoid Special Forces Major
Francesca Torpedo, Femoid Special Forces Major
3 years ago

@Lysistrata

I’m not a history nerd. But I read Greek drama, several of the philosophers, including political philosophers, lots of Plato. They had such good ideas. They had plenty bad ones too, deeply misogynist in their classical way. I don’t know how long the fall took, i only know it was a long way down from their ideals and innovations, from the energy and potential of their best ideas. They warned that the vulnerability of democracy was a demagogue and an angry crowd. Ta da. I was vaguely aware the alt-right claims them, but it’s kind of like what is said about porn: whatever thing you can think of, there’s a perverse alt-right appropriation of the thing.

Thank you!

Funny how that turned out. We’re seeing the application of their warning in real-time; indeed, one could very well argue that they had been proven right before many a time.

@Aulma

Funny ’cause that’s exactly what they think. I was reading an article on the SPLC website and someone praised the Spartans’ high testosterone and masculinity for defending the west from muslims and brown people. Which of course is highly inaccurate historically if not complete wrong (it’s actually a butchering of history).

They love to kiss their own ass. Also I think you mean white men are superior, women are useless. /s

Yes, they have reduced the Persian-Hellenic wars to a big fairy tale about the tough Spartans singlehandedly killing the big bad icky brown people. It’s very odd, since there is almost nothing to support their fairy tale in actual history.

Do they get backaches, do you think?

You know, from kissing their own asses all the time.

@JS

Francesca’s previous mention of onesies reminded me of this possible new fashion statement for a man going their own way. Of course I doubt any MGTOW would ever be caught wearing such not-totally-masculine clothing.

I might if given money (not my style), but would prefer it had a locking zipper for wear by MGTOWs.

It’s brilliant. Why not market it as an Actual Superior Western Civilization Ancient Roman tunic? That will get all the alt-right cosplayers who like wearing medieval armor and Corinthian helmets to wear it!

@Sir Alan

comment image

>my face when I find out you’re a brony

Looks like the Mammotheer Pony Collective’s numbers are growing.

@Cleon the Great

Well, the downfall of Ancient Greece is a complicated question, because if depends on what you mean by Greece. The Macedonians, who conquered all of Greece (except Sparta) in 338 BC considered themselves Greek (and they definitely had Greek culture) but the Greeks of the time didn’t.
I suppose I’d call it the fall of the Achaean League, the last powerful Greek state in Greece itself, in 146 BC. I’d say Greece doesn’t so much decline; rather, Roman power grows and Rome eventually overshadows Greece

Thanks!

While we’re talking about the ugly things the Greeks did: anyone read the Melian dialogues, in which the Athenians basically say they’ll kill everyone on Melos unless the Melians agree to capitulate entirely to Athenian power.

dreemr
dreemr
3 years ago

@Nequam yes to papayas but also to pineapples, which have the tenderizing enzyme bromelain. (Sorry can’t link from my phone).

DannyChameleon
DannyChameleon
3 years ago

Francesca’s previous mention of onesies reminded me of this possible new fashion statement for a man going their own way. Of course I doubt any MGTOW would ever be caught wearing such not-totally-masculine clothing.

I think they’re quite cute. But a little pricey (unless they’re more substantial than they look).

Katz
3 years ago

My only tip is to carry out this endeavor at a post office that is not your local post office.

Also, don’t drop off a letter with your return address on it at the same time.

Lysistrata
Lysistrata
3 years ago

@Alan and greek drama readers

Google is our friend. Theophrastus is the man who came up with stock characters:

The study of the Character, as it is now known, was conceived by Aristotle’s student Theophrastus…. 30 character types. Each type is said to be an illustration of an individual who represents a group, characterized by his most prominent trait. The Theophrastan types are as follows:

The Insincere Man
The Flatterer
The Garrulous Man
The Boor
The Complacent Man
The Man without Moral Feeling
The Talkative Man
The Fabricator
The Shamelessly Greedy Man
The Pennypincher
The Offensive Man
The Hapless Man
The Officious Man
The Absent-Minded Man
The Unsociable Man
The Superstitious Man
The Faultfinder
The Suspicious Man
The Repulsive Man
The Unpleasant Man
The Man of Petty Ambition
The Stingy Man
The Show-Off
The Arrogant Man
The Coward
The Oligarchical Man
The Late Learner
The Slanderer
The Lover of Bad Company
The Basely Covetous Man

So either the list got added to later, or one of those started out as Misogynist and lost something in translation. Take your pick, they all have terrific misogynist capacity.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
3 years ago

@ fran

One thing they seem to be forgetting about getting their history from “300” is that even within the film it’s racist propaganda. It’s just a rousing tale told to inspire a bunch of new recruits, and dehumanised the enemy, prior to their first battle. It’s not even meant to be true within the story itself.

As for MLP, I’ve only seen a few episodes, but I did really enjoy them. I can see why people love it. That gif was more a little tribute to Scildfreja, and her ability to produce exactly the correct one for any situation.

Lysistrata
Lysistrata
3 years ago

@ Alan and Greek drama readers

More from the web:

New Comedy was the first theatrical form to have access to Theophrastus’ Characters. Menander was said to be a student of Theophrastus, and has been remembered for his prototypical cooks, merchants, farmers and slave characters. Although we have few extant works of the New Comedy, the titles of Menander’s plays alone have a “Theophrastan ring”: The Fisherman, The Farmer, The Superstitious Man, The Peevish Man, The Promiser, The Heiress, The Priestess, The False Accuser, The Misogynist, The Hated Man, The Shipmaster, The Slave, The Concubine, The Soldiers, The Widow, and The Noise-Shy Man.

from

Valentine
Valentine
3 years ago

I miss edit again. It is also экзема on Russian, but i dont think it is this on my hands.

NickNameNick
NickNameNick
3 years ago

self-proclaimed “licensed personal trainer, martial artist, musician, writer, and (barely) a video reviewer and cartoonist”

I have a rule where, if someone gives themselves such self-proclaimed labels, it’s likely they’re lying about it. For example: it’s not uncommon for people to claim they’re progressive even though they voice reactionary attitudes more often than not.

It’s difficult to believe that he’s any of those things except maybe the “(barely) a video reviewer” – the rest you’d expect to hear from someone like Napoleon Dynamite. It wouldn’t even be surprising if he added “wrestles bears” and “greatest marksman in the world” on that list to further inflate his ego.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
3 years ago

@ lysistrata

Menander; yes!!!

I can’t pretend to know a lot about Greek theatre; but there was a rather excellent documentary series on BBC IPlayer a little while ago. And that’s where I (not quite) remembered it from. Also some great stuff about your namesake.

Cleon
Cleon
3 years ago

The Melian Dialogues are one of the best ‘bad guy’ speeches in all of history. The Athenian parts are the sort of thing you can imagine a supervillain saying.”For the strong do what they can, and the weak suffer what they must.”
Depressingly, there’s a Return Of Kings article by that very title. It purports to show how morality is useless, which is strange because the survivors of Melos are actually restored to the island after the war. (It also, bafflingly, asserts that Sparta was utterly destroyed by the Thebans. That’s not even close to true; Sparta’s hegemony is ended by Thebes, but they city survives and a Spartan-Athenian alliance eventually drags down Thebes’ hegemony.)

The moral decline of Athens during the Peloponnesian war is rather sad. At the beginning of the war the Athenians were not willing to do such things like the destruction of Melos, but they become desperate as the war drags on (the Spartan decision to destroy Athenian-allied Plataea doesn’t help matters.)

I actually appreciated 300, because it was the story as the Greeks would have told it, down to Spartan troops wearing almost nothing (Greeks wore lots of armor, but thought nudity was heroic) and fighting in single combat (Greeks almost always fought in the Phalanx, but they liked to depict themselves in a heroic melee.) It’s inaccurate in most places, but it’s inaccurate in the way the Greeks would have liked it to be.

Francesca Torpedo, Femoid Special Forces Major
Francesca Torpedo, Femoid Special Forces Major
3 years ago

@Nick

I agree entirely. In fact, I too can be delusional.

According to the Hotep Mythology, I am an invincible, totally powerful black Goddess-Empress who can make and unmake reality with a single movement of my hand, and summon hundreds of thousands of intergalactic Kemetic Egyptian Nubian Warships with a thought.

Beat that, MRA dude.

Sir Alan knows I’m not lying, he’s currently overseeing the Fleet Shipyards in the North of England, a centre for manufacturing of all sorts.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
3 years ago

@ EJ if you see this

Speaking of documentaries, next time you’re around remind me “Ants/Voyager”. Picked up something you might find interesting.

Aulma Frendzar Dèdd
Aulma Frendzar Dèdd
3 years ago

@Cleon

Odd that alt-right people would identify with Sparta, a civilization where women of the citizen class were practically the only people whose lives weren’t miserable.

I suspect they might not know that yet. As soon as they find out women had decent lives, they’ll drop the Spartans in a millisecond.

@Francesca

Yes, they have reduced the Persian-Hellenic wars to a big fairy tale about the tough Spartans singlehandedly killing the big bad icky brown people. It’s very odd, since there is almost nothing to support their fairy tale in actual history.

Exactly. Just like they reduced the French Revolution to “the destruction of the so much needed monarchy”. They love to butcher history.

Feral Crone
Feral Crone
3 years ago

“In his experience?”
ROFLMAO!

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
3 years ago

@ aulma

Spartan women carried special knives so that if their husbands abused them they could scar them in a particular way. That way all the other Spartans would know why she kicked him out.

Can’t see that going down too well in MRA circles.

@ fran

Er, just to let you know our Ebony Mistress, we need some more rivets if you’re going near the hardware shop.

kupo
kupo
3 years ago

Re: fruits that take off finger prints, there’s an enzyme in dark orange squashes like pumpkin and butternut that will sometimes but not always cause the entire surface of my hands to peel away. I typically don’t notice until it’s already all over my hands, and then they start to feel tight. They turn orange, and then the skin comes off. It’s just the outer dead layer so it’s nice and soft and clean after, but it scares the crap out of me every time because it takes a while to come off and I’m always wondering if it’s just going to keep eating through my skin this time.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
3 years ago

In an early example of slut shaming, other Greek women called Spartan women phainomērídes (“thigh flashers”) because of their penchant for scandalously short skirts. 🙂

Aulma Frendzar Dèdd
Aulma Frendzar Dèdd
3 years ago

@Alan

Spartan women carried special knives so that if their husbands abused them they could scar them in a particular way. That way all the other Spartans would know why she kicked him out.

New Deli Spermer article:
“The cucking of Spartans: how women destroyed the Spartan civilization”.

Lysistrata
Lysistrata
3 years ago

In an early example of slut shaming, other Greek women called Spartan women phainomērídes (“thigh flashers”) because of their penchant for scandalously short skirts.

Now there’s a nym for somebody.

You know the oddest things, Alan. ETA: That’s a compliment.

Feral Crone
Feral Crone
3 years ago

The only reason we know Sparta existed was because some beta cuck Athenian mentioned them. Other than that, its all made up.
Now. Let’s do calendar math. Assume the ‘golden Age of Athens’ and it’s unadulterated influence ended around 100BC.
Jesus is born 100 years later.
Council of Carthage 397CE (AD)
Jerome writes the Vulgare Latin translation used throughout medieval Europe. 400CE
The prophet Mohammad is born 537CE.
The first Crusade 1100CE.

Not a Spartan in sight. Nope. No Amazons, either.

It wouldn’t be until the Renaissance that Europe decided thatGreece, rather than Europe, was the foundation of European culture.
Europeans appropriated Greek culture as their own. We get our Liberal Arts from them.
But Amazon’s are much more likely than Spartans.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
3 years ago

@ lysistrata

That’s a compliment.

Thank you. Yup I do seem to pick up some odd bits and pieces. But one of the many things I love about the people here is I learn something new every day. People though may have spotted my thing about badass women so Spartan women is obviously a favourite subject.

Nequam
Nequam
3 years ago

@dreemr: Ah, I had missed the stuff about bromelain. I remembered papain because when I used to wear contact lenses the solution used to clean protein deposits off them contained papain.

Ouroboros13
3 years ago

So now you can’t masturbate? What is it with these alt-right atheists acting like priests? Even right wing “mystics” like Evola said masturbating was bad because it depleted men of their “vitality”.

So if I tally what every alt-right asshole said so far (like the Golden One)… I can’t drink, I can’t fap, I can’t have sex with the “wrong” women, I can’t watch the wrong movies, I can’t read the wrong books, I can’t listen to jazz or rock or punk. I can’t do anything worth living for. Fuck these guys. Thou shalt not indeed!

Ouroboros13
3 years ago

And maybe this is a little off topic but I get annoyed at Greece taking all the credit as the start of civilization. Before the Greeks you had Mesopotamia, Egypt, Babylon, Persia, each with highly advanced art, architecture, mathematics, religion, philosophy etc. And this only covers the so-called West, ignoring civilizations elsewhere around the globe. Greek city states were latecomers that borrowed much from earlier societies and, frankly, were trailer parks compared the vast capitals of Memphis, Thebes, Persepolis, and on and on.

Francesca Torpedo, Femoid Special Forces Major
Francesca Torpedo, Femoid Special Forces Major
3 years ago

@Sir Alan

Er, just to let you know our Ebony Mistress, we need some more rivets if you’re going near the hardware shop.

Gladly! I am certain this military campaign you have asked of me will bring me great recognition and fame. Leave it to me, I shall personally see to it that your request shall be fulfilled. Nothing will stand in my way; not even an exceptionally chubby squirrel or a fluffy pidgeon.

They will do up an excellent tapestry of my visit to the hardware shops, I am sure of it.