By David Futrelle
Professional “pickup artists” tend to have a thing against masturbation, largely because (one suspects) men who are not continually sexually frustrated are less receptive to their nonsense PUA teachings. And so it’s hardly surprising to find an anti-masturbation tirade on Roosh V’s crap site Return of Kings today, filled with cherry-picked science and assorted weird leaps of logic intended to prove that masturbation is very very bad for men.
Overall the post, written by a self-proclaimed “licensed personal trainer, martial artist, musician, writer, and (barely) a video reviewer and cartoonist” named Larsen Halleck, is a pretty standard example of its very particular genre.
But there’s one part of the post that strikes me as original. Seems that one of the reasons masturbation is such a bad idea for manly men is that … it makes their hands unpleasingly soft. You know, because of all the lotion.
“[W]omen are just not attracted to buttery soft, womanly hands,” Halleck declares.
In my personal experience, women love to feel the calluses upon a man’s hands, and just one lotion-soaked fap session a week will take away from the sexy, alligator-like roughness of your palms.
So fellas, forget all you’ve heard about masturbation making hair grow on your palms. Apparently it actually turns your manly man hands into lady hands.
Of course, Halleck’s advice isn’t exactly useful for those dudes whose hands have already turned “buttery soft,” and who don’t have time enough to get them all callousy before their next hot date. Luckily there is another option: stop by the local hardware store to get yourself some sandpaper-coated sanding gloves like, say, these.
Take my word for it, fellas, the ladies love to be sanded down and buffed like an old dresser you found in the alley.
@Lysistrata
Tell me, in your opinion – did the Greeks really fall apart as badly? I always labored under the impression that they just declined quietly, as opposed to the way the Roman Empire spectacularly self-destructed in one huge blazing fireball.
I always respected the Greek civilization and was quite impressed with them; I only grew wary of expressing my enjoyment of Greek antique culture because of the Alt-right white supremacist neofascists who like wearing Corinthian helmets – surely you’ve seen them.
Also, yes, I am not enjoying watching the collapse happen from directly within. I am badly frightened. It’s all I can do not to curl up into a tiny ball and not leave my house.
You’ll take my right to wank from my cold, dead hands.
One thing I’ve learned from the Trump era is that the con man revels in making up ludicrous nonsense that the credulous followers are expected to accept uncritically. It demonstrates the power they wield over their followers.
The advice of the PUA “expert” strikes me as being much the same. The claim that smooth hands are invariably unpleasant to women is the kind of blatant b.s. that demands the response “You’re putting me on, right?”
Being fingered and otherwise touched on sensitive spots with rough hands is not fun at all.
In the old days, PUAs made at least some sense. Not a pleasant kind, but they at least preached good personal grooming and getting yourself off before a hot date in order not to appear too aggressive and desperate.
@Gijoel
[spoken in MRA voice]
but but if you fap the feeeeeeeeeemales will be disgusted by your tiny baby soft baby fingers and hands, and the feeeeeeeeeemales can smell your cum from a distance, so they will be disgusted by your post-fap cum smell.
The last part is an actual thing an MRA said. I think David even did an article abouit it.
Cracked bleeding hands also make one more susceptible to catch all kinds of infections including STDs.
So either use lotion or always wear proper rubber gloves along with condoms.
@Cohen
Yup. Many US politicians have been huge con men. Take Bush. Republicans voted for him because…well…he’s a republican and they ended up hating him. They hate him more than the left does. He didn’t keep any of the promises that he made to them. Trump is the same. The left doesn’t like him and the right-wingers love to mock the left because of this but they don’t realise that they’ll end up hating him the most.
Proper men wash their penis after pissing and fapping whenever possible. That way they taste fresh when a woman grants their oral sex request.
Someone who does not wash properly between their legs can make me gag. Even if you do not shower every day, you can manage at least washing there once or twice a day.
I do not get why some people do not do this whenever they can after using the toilet. In your own home or a hotelroom you can simply wash yourself right after in the bathroom.
@Sofia, agreed. I feel gross if I don’t wash myself like that, and although I don’t have anyone to have sex with, it makes me feel better. Which I’d say is the most important thing when it comes to hygiene.
At least part of this might be the second-oldest trick in the con artist’s repertoire: being openly absurd in order to immediately drive away everyone who might otherwise ruin their scheme.
Valizadeh knows that he’s haemorrhaging audience. He also knows that much of his audience don’t like him for racist reasons. His solution appears to be to find a dumber audience, one which will believe whatever he tells them uncritically and give him all their money.
This is a difficult quest, because most people aren’t as powerfully dumb as Valizadeh needs them to be. His last audience were those people who think that dirty casuals are ruining their video games, and they weren’t dumb enough for him. Before that he was attempting to sell traditionalist Christianity to fedoras on Reddit, and they weren’t dumb enough for him. Before that he was attempting to persuade creepy guys that the way to sleep with women was to be even creepier, and let’s be frank here: that’s pretty fucking dumb. If those people weren’t dumb enough for him, he has a problem on his hands.
Godspeed, Valizadeh. I hope you find a dumb enough audience someday. I’d suggest climate change deniers and/or Randian libertarians. They deserve you. Nobody else does.
@Aulma
Oh, I’d like to see em try…
I am a woman, and I do not wash myself after using the toilet. In my sex-havin’ days, I didn’t really expect my partners to do so, either, although I did usually wash prior to getting busy – and they did as well. Particularly if one or both of us was going to have our snoots down in each others’ business.
That said, it’s a shame bidets have never really caught on in the U.S. because I’d be down with that.
Not to mention the sexy, alligator-like roughness of your callus-covered penis! She’ll be back for round 2 before you can even wipe the pus off your bed.
I will resist the urge to use up one of my three annually permitted cunnilingus references. (This does not count as a reference.)
If these dudes want to have dry and rough hands so badly, I recommend they start working as librarians. Handling that much paper will crack your skin in no time, no foregoing of lubed fapping required!
Why the holy chafing FUCK does toxic masculinity do this to people? You have skin. That shit isn’t exclusive to feeemales.
Rough, cracking skin isn’t a fucking turn on, it’s a sign you can’t take care of yourself out of fear of Teh Gurl Cooties™. That’s not attractive, that’s just fucking sad.
Shit, RoK readers apparently already hate having to wash their asses, now they’re afraid to use lotion because it’ll make their skin soft.
Can confirm what Blackrising says.
It’s kind of a vicious circle; lots of hand sanitizer because of working with the public/public surfaces, and lotion because of all of the paper.
Sigh.
Apparently working with pineapples erases your fingerprints.
Can anyone confirm or deny?
Ideally before I do this Post Office robbery.
@Francesca
Ughh man, everytime I see them putting those helmets as their avatars and talk about “European excellence” I want to bitch-slap them so hard. Just because Greeks were successful at some point in history it doesn’t mean you can claim their success as your own. Same thing goes for the Roman imagery and history fanatics.
“Not to mention the sexy, alligator-like roughness of your callus-covered penis! ”
Shudders.
I am so happy intact is the norm in my culture.
in the US, I would probably have decided to identify as Lesbian rather than Bi.
@Alan – pineapple has some sort of meat tenderizer-like protein in it, so I guess theoretically it could tenderize your fingerprints clean off. I doubt I’d try it though, when there are latex gloves around.
@Sofia – being circumsized doesn’t actually result in calluses 😉
The white supremacist Greek worship is pretty hilarious. It’s quite well known by now that the Greeks took a lot of the art and architecture styles from the African and Asian countries they visited. Appropriation might be a newish bit of social justice jargon, but the act of cultural appropriation sure as shit isn’t new.
@IP
Do your words make the reader think of cunnilingus? Then it is a reference.
Possibly you have set the bar too high. After all, three times a year is practically abstinence.
@Aulma
@WWTH
I imagine that these fuckwits watched 300, which portrays the Lacedaemonians as being super-buff, masculine, white-skinned, blue-eyed Aryan Supermen, who spend a great deal of time killing brown people in slow motion, and believe that’s the definitive story behind Hellas.
They also like to jerk themselves raw over how the Hellenic people personally invented civilization, all by their onesies. They invented democracy, writing things down, math, science, and medicine. It was them. Therefore, White People Are Superior.
That’s their ideology in a nutshell.
@Alan
I spent some of my childhood reading about gangsters. Some would visit a doctor before they went on the lam, attempting to get their fingerprints erased. Didn’t work of course. A+ for effort.
Sadly, when it comes to fingerprints, medicine has not advanced since those days.
As for the post office job, you don’t seem to be violating the comments policy. Carry on.
My only tip is to carry out this endeavor at a post office that is not your local post office. You’re welcome.