By David Futrelle
Professional “pickup artists” tend to have a thing against masturbation, largely because (one suspects) men who are not continually sexually frustrated are less receptive to their nonsense PUA teachings. And so it’s hardly surprising to find an anti-masturbation tirade on Roosh V’s crap site Return of Kings today, filled with cherry-picked science and assorted weird leaps of logic intended to prove that masturbation is very very bad for men.
Overall the post, written by a self-proclaimed “licensed personal trainer, martial artist, musician, writer, and (barely) a video reviewer and cartoonist” named Larsen Halleck, is a pretty standard example of its very particular genre.
But there’s one part of the post that strikes me as original. Seems that one of the reasons masturbation is such a bad idea for manly men is that … it makes their hands unpleasingly soft. You know, because of all the lotion.
“[W]omen are just not attracted to buttery soft, womanly hands,” Halleck declares.
In my personal experience, women love to feel the calluses upon a man’s hands, and just one lotion-soaked fap session a week will take away from the sexy, alligator-like roughness of your palms.
So fellas, forget all you’ve heard about masturbation making hair grow on your palms. Apparently it actually turns your manly man hands into lady hands.
Of course, Halleck’s advice isn’t exactly useful for those dudes whose hands have already turned “buttery soft,” and who don’t have time enough to get them all callousy before their next hot date. Luckily there is another option: stop by the local hardware store to get yourself some sandpaper-coated sanding gloves like, say, these.
Take my word for it, fellas, the ladies love to be sanded down and buffed like an old dresser you found in the alley.
So real men would use lava soap instead of lotion?
“How will we get more men to join our ranks? Let’s tell them not to masturbate, that’ seems to be a pretty popular idea these days.”
I chase my husband with lotion. Not because I care about his calluses, but because his skin gets all cracked and dry and it’s painful. We live in a very arid city, and lotion is mandatory for all genders, particularly in the winter.
These masterful PUAs should be easy to identify by their rough, bleeding hands; fortunately when he goes in to place a hand casually on his victim, she will be assaulted by his scales and frightened away. So, by all means, please do this.
Seriously, has anyone ever written about the “sexy, alligator-like roughness” of anyone else’s skin before?
http://orig06.deviantart.net/0b7d/f/2013/119/3/e/louis_the_sexy_alligator_by_benjjedi-d63jpev.png
… PUAs think women think alligators are sexy.
I didn’t think this explained much at first, but thinking about it a bit more, it explains a lot. Alligators are predators. These people think women are attracted to predators.
… I’ll show myself out.
(For my next trick, maybe I’ll attempt to work out if this makes any more sense in the context of lizard-people conspiracy theories…)
ETA: @Flora oh my god that picture I cannot stop laughing
Well maybe not the sanded part, but…
I have a friend who has a bit of a penchant for latex. Getting ready to go out involves a lot of wriggling and talcum powder. That tends to leave powder streaks and fingerprints everywhere. By the end of it she looks like an episode of “CSI”. So she does need a bit of polishing. I’ve got a fluffy attachment thing for my drill and we’ve found that does give pretty good results in getting her nice and shiny again.
ETA: is that Wally Gator?! 😀
Joke’s on him, I don’t use lotion, anyway.
You know you can jack it without lotion, right? There’s plenty of other lubricating substances. Fuck it, you can produce your own! Straight from the tap, as it were…
How much y’all wanna bet nobody he’s been with has ever even mentioned his calluses? He probably just thinks anything and everything about him is ladynip. If he had ear hair, he’d likely say it was irresistible to feeemales
I lotion my hands (not meant euphemistically) every day. What, I get ashy. Yet my palms are still rough and bumpy af at the knuckles. Manual labor takes its fuckin toll, yo. Point is, moisturizing once a week ain’t gonna make your hands dainty. Chill
I think the only way masturbation could remove callouses is if the penis being wanked was covered with emery boards.
Well, if we are given:
-The (roughly) seventies-era, vaguely-Freudian idea that “real women don’t need partner skill or physical stimulation to get off, because the brain is the biggest sexual organ* and if you really loved your mayun, you would just come, already;”
and:
-Men are superior to women in all things;
Don’t we necessarily get the conclusion that Real Men don’t need lotion to masturbate? The Superior Man, of course, doesn’t need actual sexy imagery: since feminine and homoerotic things are just MOOP in the thoughts of homo superior, a Real Man can come just from thinking intensely about the internal workings of the M-1 Garand; reading a Cracked article; or dissecting a long paragraph by Pirsig or Vonnegut.
My hypothesis: Halleck had a ladyfriend who complimented him once on his manly, calloused hands, and it would be unthinkable that women have individual tastes w/r/t sex partners (or like different things about different people); or that Ladyfriend was so into him, the sexiness of his calloused hands came from the fact that they were attached to him; or that she was trying to find something original to compliment him on and make his ego hungry for her. Ergo, all women are repulsed by soft hands, Q.E.D.
*Personally, I think skin is bigger and very important to sexytimes, but I have one of those inferior ladybrains and cannot possibly understand or judge for myself what makes me happy.
I see the PUA community is running out of topics to bloviate about because this one is such a stretch, Larsen is going to need some ice to treat that.
Alligator like roughness……
I can’t even make a snarky joke. My thighs are shut so tight that it’s distracting. ouch
This is proof positive that these fellows have never done any kind of manual labor, because *News Flash* people that do manual labor for a living USE HAND LOTION COPIOUSLY.
I work for a mechanic’s shop. These people (ours are all men, but there are definitely women mechanics, too) work very hard with their bodies, and particularly with their hands, which get covered in all kinds of grease, oil, dirt, you name it.
ALL of our mechanics keep hand lotion in the dressing room for when they clean up. Otherwise their hands get so chapped and cracked that they BLEED. And these are the kind of working-class dudes that manospherians purport to admire.
I keep super glue for them in the winter just to close up some of those cracks. It isn’t pleasant for them, and I’m sure it isn’t pleasant for anyone they might be caressing during their down time.
I’ve also worked in woodworking shops where everyone used hand lotion. Wood (and paper products, too, desk jockeys) sucks the moisture right out of your hands.
LOL these guys get so much of so many thing so completely wrong. Imagine thinking that masturbation would be the only reason a man would use lotion. Their experience of the world always makes me think they must be 12 years old, or so sheltered that they may as well be.
Off-topic, but this is a good video debunking the claims that it was “normal” for older men to have sex with 12-16 year old girls until feminists allegedly ruined everything.
The video doesn’t mention this, but having sex with a girl under the age of 10 was common law rape whether she “consented” or not (the penalty was hanging unless the state legislature set a different penalty). Men who had sex with girls 10 or older could usually be punished under some other law.
Off-topic, but this is a good video debunking the claims that it was “normal” for older men to have sex with 12-16 year old girls until feminists allegedly ruined everything.
The video doesn’t mention this, but having sex with a girl under the age of 10 was common law rape whether she “consented” or not (the penalty was hanging unless the state legislature set a different penalty). Men who had sex with girls 10 or older could usually be punished under some other law.
@Flora
I hope this doesn’t awaken anything within me.
@The Article
Larsen sounds like an asshole. He is the very embodiment of a modern major asshole. He has the entire asshole shtick down pat, right down to being a martial artist, a personal trainer, and a dabbler in the arts.
I’m not saying that the people who do these things are all assholes, mind you, it’s just that I’ve run smackbang into my fair share of edgy fuckwits who play the guitar, do BEE-JAY-JAY at the local mixed martial arts school, and also moonlight as a personal trainer so that they can touch women on the butt under the guise of assisting them with their form while weightlifting.
People like him are partially why I stopped taking martial arts classes. I couldn’t handle the sheer level of fuckwit toxic masculinity.
Anyone else really getting sick of the nofap cultists? They remind me of the religious fundamentalists so common in days of yore, who would warn you that if thou shouldst do an Onanism, Lucifer would send hosts of demons to enter your cock or vagina through its frontal opening, and cavort around in your pubic area.
Your eyes would melt! Your tongue would fall off! Your feet would turn into hooves! And when you die, Lucifer will chew you in his mouth! Just like that scene in Dante’s ‘Inferno’!
Only now it’s this bullshit about how if you look at a penis or a vagina and then fap to it, you will go totally batshit insane, then turn gay (I know, I know, it’s impossible to become gay, I’m just paraphrasing the nofap cultists who say watching porn and masturbating causes you to want to fuck people of the same sex).
It’s amazing how rapidly we’re regressing as a society. It is also kind of frightening.
I always say that as a child I used to be confused when I read books about how the Roman Empire abruptly collapsed into a dark age of ignorance and anti-intellectual behavior, but after recent events I’m no longer confused about how that happened; I understand it perfectly.
There’s only one way to be sexy and alligator-like.
Guys, I found a picture of Larsen working out.
Whatta stud! [swoon]
Masculinity so fragile they’re afraid to put lotion on even to fap. That’s kind of sad.
This actually sounds to me like pretentious fancy talk for unemployed. Not that I’m judging unemployment in and of itself! I’m unemployed at the moment myself. It just sounds to me like this guy is listing his hobbies as careers when they really aren’t and that’s amusing to me because manospherians always make themselves out as the cream of the crop. The most successful, wealthy and studly. The reality is always different. It seems to be really common for manosphere bloggers to be unable to hold down steady jobs and have to live off (frequently female) family members, exes or partners all the while claiming that the wage gap exists only because all men are hard working and all women are lazy.
Callused hands do *not* feel good on ladybits. I’d rather get the job done myself than experience that.
I have high-functioning autism, and am averse to the feel of lotion as a result.
That said, if I were in a job that caused the risk of massive-ass cracks if I didn’t use it, you’d bet I’d be using it.
Plus, people fap. I’m fine if someone I’m with chooses to do so on their own time, as long as it doesn’t result in them neglecting me; and I expect the same courtesy. And, well…soft hands are A Good, not A Bad.
@WWTH
And goddamn it, you should be proud of yourself. Never let anyone talk shit to you about this. If they do, you should tell them to fuck off, in no uncertain terms.
I advise you read Bertand Russells’s “In Praise of Idleness”, and Paul LeFargue’s “The Right To be Lazy”. If you are further interested, check out Murray Bookchin’s writings.
In a nutshell, you don’t have to work to be considered a human being, and in an idea society, unfettered by the whips and chains of profiteering capitalist bourgeoisie bloodsucking scumbags like the sort that meet at the Bohemian Grove.
We, as a society, need to shake off this slaveish ideology and stop perpetrating it, especially when machines can do almost everything we can do. Everything you or I can do could be done by a machine much more quickly and efficiently, and I am more than happy to step aside and let the machines do the job.
Now, if you actually do want to get a job, go right ahead. I’m not saying you shouldn’t do it if you want to, but you shouldn’t feel like that’s the condition you must make to be respected by others. I respect you and think you’re just fine how you are, but maybe you might think I’m limiting your ability, in which case you can go right ahead and do that thing.
And, yes, that guy sounds like a fucking nitwit. I can’t handle people of his sort who don’t have the guts to just admit that they’re barely getting by. Why must they give themselves airs? It’s so gauche! So utterly discomfiting!
Nothing is less sexy than a man with good skin.
/s
Amen. If someone has even a tiny hangnail, they’re getting kicked out of bed until they trim that off and their hands are nice and smooth.
I don’t use lotion, I’ve tried it a couple times but didn’t really care for it. Am I a alpha yet?
@Fran
This. So much this. For me it was the Greeks; same bafflement, now resolved. I would much rather still not understand.
@Lysistrata
Tell me, in your opinion – did the Greeks really fall apart as badly? I always labored under the impression that they just declined quietly, as opposed to the way the Roman Empire spectacularly self-destructed in one huge blazing fireball.
I always respected the Greek civilization and was quite impressed with them; I only grew wary of expressing my enjoyment of Greek antique culture because of the Alt-right white supremacist neofascists who like wearing Corinthian helmets – surely you’ve seen them.
Also, yes, I am not enjoying watching the collapse happen from directly within. I am badly frightened. It’s all I can do not to curl up into a tiny ball and not leave my house.
You’ll take my right to wank from my cold, dead hands.
One thing I’ve learned from the Trump era is that the con man revels in making up ludicrous nonsense that the credulous followers are expected to accept uncritically. It demonstrates the power they wield over their followers.
The advice of the PUA “expert” strikes me as being much the same. The claim that smooth hands are invariably unpleasant to women is the kind of blatant b.s. that demands the response “You’re putting me on, right?”
Being fingered and otherwise touched on sensitive spots with rough hands is not fun at all.
In the old days, PUAs made at least some sense. Not a pleasant kind, but they at least preached good personal grooming and getting yourself off before a hot date in order not to appear too aggressive and desperate.
@Gijoel
[spoken in MRA voice]
but but if you fap the feeeeeeeeeemales will be disgusted by your tiny baby soft baby fingers and hands, and the feeeeeeeeeemales can smell your cum from a distance, so they will be disgusted by your post-fap cum smell.
The last part is an actual thing an MRA said. I think David even did an article abouit it.
Cracked bleeding hands also make one more susceptible to catch all kinds of infections including STDs.
So either use lotion or always wear proper rubber gloves along with condoms.
@Cohen
Yup. Many US politicians have been huge con men. Take Bush. Republicans voted for him because…well…he’s a republican and they ended up hating him. They hate him more than the left does. He didn’t keep any of the promises that he made to them. Trump is the same. The left doesn’t like him and the right-wingers love to mock the left because of this but they don’t realise that they’ll end up hating him the most.
Proper men wash their penis after pissing and fapping whenever possible. That way they taste fresh when a woman grants their oral sex request.
Someone who does not wash properly between their legs can make me gag. Even if you do not shower every day, you can manage at least washing there once or twice a day.
I do not get why some people do not do this whenever they can after using the toilet. In your own home or a hotelroom you can simply wash yourself right after in the bathroom.
@Sofia, agreed. I feel gross if I don’t wash myself like that, and although I don’t have anyone to have sex with, it makes me feel better. Which I’d say is the most important thing when it comes to hygiene.
At least part of this might be the second-oldest trick in the con artist’s repertoire: being openly absurd in order to immediately drive away everyone who might otherwise ruin their scheme.
Valizadeh knows that he’s haemorrhaging audience. He also knows that much of his audience don’t like him for racist reasons. His solution appears to be to find a dumber audience, one which will believe whatever he tells them uncritically and give him all their money.
This is a difficult quest, because most people aren’t as powerfully dumb as Valizadeh needs them to be. His last audience were those people who think that dirty casuals are ruining their video games, and they weren’t dumb enough for him. Before that he was attempting to sell traditionalist Christianity to fedoras on Reddit, and they weren’t dumb enough for him. Before that he was attempting to persuade creepy guys that the way to sleep with women was to be even creepier, and let’s be frank here: that’s pretty fucking dumb. If those people weren’t dumb enough for him, he has a problem on his hands.
Godspeed, Valizadeh. I hope you find a dumb enough audience someday. I’d suggest climate change deniers and/or Randian libertarians. They deserve you. Nobody else does.
@Aulma
Oh, I’d like to see em try…
I am a woman, and I do not wash myself after using the toilet. In my sex-havin’ days, I didn’t really expect my partners to do so, either, although I did usually wash prior to getting busy – and they did as well. Particularly if one or both of us was going to have our snoots down in each others’ business.
That said, it’s a shame bidets have never really caught on in the U.S. because I’d be down with that.
Not to mention the sexy, alligator-like roughness of your callus-covered penis! She’ll be back for round 2 before you can even wipe the pus off your bed.
I will resist the urge to use up one of my three annually permitted cunnilingus references. (This does not count as a reference.)
If these dudes want to have dry and rough hands so badly, I recommend they start working as librarians. Handling that much paper will crack your skin in no time, no foregoing of lubed fapping required!
Why the holy chafing FUCK does toxic masculinity do this to people? You have skin. That shit isn’t exclusive to feeemales.
Rough, cracking skin isn’t a fucking turn on, it’s a sign you can’t take care of yourself out of fear of Teh Gurl Cooties™. That’s not attractive, that’s just fucking sad.
Shit, RoK readers apparently already hate having to wash their asses, now they’re afraid to use lotion because it’ll make their skin soft.
Can confirm what Blackrising says.
It’s kind of a vicious circle; lots of hand sanitizer because of working with the public/public surfaces, and lotion because of all of the paper.
Sigh.
Apparently working with pineapples erases your fingerprints.
Can anyone confirm or deny?
Ideally before I do this Post Office robbery.
@Francesca
Ughh man, everytime I see them putting those helmets as their avatars and talk about “European excellence” I want to bitch-slap them so hard. Just because Greeks were successful at some point in history it doesn’t mean you can claim their success as your own. Same thing goes for the Roman imagery and history fanatics.
“Not to mention the sexy, alligator-like roughness of your callus-covered penis! ”
Shudders.
I am so happy intact is the norm in my culture.
in the US, I would probably have decided to identify as Lesbian rather than Bi.
@Alan – pineapple has some sort of meat tenderizer-like protein in it, so I guess theoretically it could tenderize your fingerprints clean off. I doubt I’d try it though, when there are latex gloves around.
@Sofia – being circumsized doesn’t actually result in calluses 😉
The white supremacist Greek worship is pretty hilarious. It’s quite well known by now that the Greeks took a lot of the art and architecture styles from the African and Asian countries they visited. Appropriation might be a newish bit of social justice jargon, but the act of cultural appropriation sure as shit isn’t new.
@IP
Do your words make the reader think of cunnilingus? Then it is a reference.
Possibly you have set the bar too high. After all, three times a year is practically abstinence.
@Aulma
@WWTH
I imagine that these fuckwits watched 300, which portrays the Lacedaemonians as being super-buff, masculine, white-skinned, blue-eyed Aryan Supermen, who spend a great deal of time killing brown people in slow motion, and believe that’s the definitive story behind Hellas.
They also like to jerk themselves raw over how the Hellenic people personally invented civilization, all by their onesies. They invented democracy, writing things down, math, science, and medicine. It was them. Therefore, White People Are Superior.
That’s their ideology in a nutshell.
@Alan
I spent some of my childhood reading about gangsters. Some would visit a doctor before they went on the lam, attempting to get their fingerprints erased. Didn’t work of course. A+ for effort.
Sadly, when it comes to fingerprints, medicine has not advanced since those days.
As for the post office job, you don’t seem to be violating the comments policy. Carry on.
My only tip is to carry out this endeavor at a post office that is not your local post office. You’re welcome.