By David Futrelle
Professional “pickup artists” tend to have a thing against masturbation, largely because (one suspects) men who are not continually sexually frustrated are less receptive to their nonsense PUA teachings. And so it’s hardly surprising to find an anti-masturbation tirade on Roosh V’s crap site Return of Kings today, filled with cherry-picked science and assorted weird leaps of logic intended to prove that masturbation is very very bad for men.
Overall the post, written by a self-proclaimed “licensed personal trainer, martial artist, musician, writer, and (barely) a video reviewer and cartoonist” named Larsen Halleck, is a pretty standard example of its very particular genre.
But there’s one part of the post that strikes me as original. Seems that one of the reasons masturbation is such a bad idea for manly men is that … it makes their hands unpleasingly soft. You know, because of all the lotion.
“[W]omen are just not attracted to buttery soft, womanly hands,” Halleck declares.
In my personal experience, women love to feel the calluses upon a man’s hands, and just one lotion-soaked fap session a week will take away from the sexy, alligator-like roughness of your palms.
So fellas, forget all you’ve heard about masturbation making hair grow on your palms. Apparently it actually turns your manly man hands into lady hands.
Of course, Halleck’s advice isn’t exactly useful for those dudes whose hands have already turned “buttery soft,” and who don’t have time enough to get them all callousy before their next hot date. Luckily there is another option: stop by the local hardware store to get yourself some sandpaper-coated sanding gloves like, say, these.
Take my word for it, fellas, the ladies love to be sanded down and buffed like an old dresser you found in the alley.
So real men would use lava soap instead of lotion?
“How will we get more men to join our ranks? Let’s tell them not to masturbate, that’ seems to be a pretty popular idea these days.”
I chase my husband with lotion. Not because I care about his calluses, but because his skin gets all cracked and dry and it’s painful. We live in a very arid city, and lotion is mandatory for all genders, particularly in the winter.
These masterful PUAs should be easy to identify by their rough, bleeding hands; fortunately when he goes in to place a hand casually on his victim, she will be assaulted by his scales and frightened away. So, by all means, please do this.
Seriously, has anyone ever written about the “sexy, alligator-like roughness” of anyone else’s skin before?
http://orig06.deviantart.net/0b7d/f/2013/119/3/e/louis_the_sexy_alligator_by_benjjedi-d63jpev.png
… PUAs think women think alligators are sexy.
I didn’t think this explained much at first, but thinking about it a bit more, it explains a lot. Alligators are predators. These people think women are attracted to predators.
… I’ll show myself out.
(For my next trick, maybe I’ll attempt to work out if this makes any more sense in the context of lizard-people conspiracy theories…)
ETA: @Flora oh my god that picture I cannot stop laughing
Well maybe not the sanded part, but…
I have a friend who has a bit of a penchant for latex. Getting ready to go out involves a lot of wriggling and talcum powder. That tends to leave powder streaks and fingerprints everywhere. By the end of it she looks like an episode of “CSI”. So she does need a bit of polishing. I’ve got a fluffy attachment thing for my drill and we’ve found that does give pretty good results in getting her nice and shiny again.
ETA: is that Wally Gator?! 😀
Joke’s on him, I don’t use lotion, anyway.
You know you can jack it without lotion, right? There’s plenty of other lubricating substances. Fuck it, you can produce your own! Straight from the tap, as it were…
How much y’all wanna bet nobody he’s been with has ever even mentioned his calluses? He probably just thinks anything and everything about him is ladynip. If he had ear hair, he’d likely say it was irresistible to feeemales
I lotion my hands (not meant euphemistically) every day. What, I get ashy. Yet my palms are still rough and bumpy af at the knuckles. Manual labor takes its fuckin toll, yo. Point is, moisturizing once a week ain’t gonna make your hands dainty. Chill
I think the only way masturbation could remove callouses is if the penis being wanked was covered with emery boards.
Well, if we are given:
-The (roughly) seventies-era, vaguely-Freudian idea that “real women don’t need partner skill or physical stimulation to get off, because the brain is the biggest sexual organ* and if you really loved your mayun, you would just come, already;”
and:
-Men are superior to women in all things;
Don’t we necessarily get the conclusion that Real Men don’t need lotion to masturbate? The Superior Man, of course, doesn’t need actual sexy imagery: since feminine and homoerotic things are just MOOP in the thoughts of homo superior, a Real Man can come just from thinking intensely about the internal workings of the M-1 Garand; reading a Cracked article; or dissecting a long paragraph by Pirsig or Vonnegut.
My hypothesis: Halleck had a ladyfriend who complimented him once on his manly, calloused hands, and it would be unthinkable that women have individual tastes w/r/t sex partners (or like different things about different people); or that Ladyfriend was so into him, the sexiness of his calloused hands came from the fact that they were attached to him; or that she was trying to find something original to compliment him on and make his ego hungry for her. Ergo, all women are repulsed by soft hands, Q.E.D.
*Personally, I think skin is bigger and very important to sexytimes, but I have one of those inferior ladybrains and cannot possibly understand or judge for myself what makes me happy.
I see the PUA community is running out of topics to bloviate about because this one is such a stretch, Larsen is going to need some ice to treat that.
Alligator like roughness……
I can’t even make a snarky joke. My thighs are shut so tight that it’s distracting. ouch
This is proof positive that these fellows have never done any kind of manual labor, because *News Flash* people that do manual labor for a living USE HAND LOTION COPIOUSLY.
I work for a mechanic’s shop. These people (ours are all men, but there are definitely women mechanics, too) work very hard with their bodies, and particularly with their hands, which get covered in all kinds of grease, oil, dirt, you name it.
ALL of our mechanics keep hand lotion in the dressing room for when they clean up. Otherwise their hands get so chapped and cracked that they BLEED. And these are the kind of working-class dudes that manospherians purport to admire.
I keep super glue for them in the winter just to close up some of those cracks. It isn’t pleasant for them, and I’m sure it isn’t pleasant for anyone they might be caressing during their down time.
I’ve also worked in woodworking shops where everyone used hand lotion. Wood (and paper products, too, desk jockeys) sucks the moisture right out of your hands.
LOL these guys get so much of so many thing so completely wrong. Imagine thinking that masturbation would be the only reason a man would use lotion. Their experience of the world always makes me think they must be 12 years old, or so sheltered that they may as well be.
Off-topic, but this is a good video debunking the claims that it was “normal” for older men to have sex with 12-16 year old girls until feminists allegedly ruined everything.
The video doesn’t mention this, but having sex with a girl under the age of 10 was common law rape whether she “consented” or not (the penalty was hanging unless the state legislature set a different penalty). Men who had sex with girls 10 or older could usually be punished under some other law.
Off-topic, but this is a good video debunking the claims that it was “normal” for older men to have sex with 12-16 year old girls until feminists allegedly ruined everything.
The video doesn’t mention this, but having sex with a girl under the age of 10 was common law rape whether she “consented” or not (the penalty was hanging unless the state legislature set a different penalty). Men who had sex with girls 10 or older could usually be punished under some other law.
@Flora
I hope this doesn’t awaken anything within me.
@The Article
Larsen sounds like an asshole. He is the very embodiment of a modern major asshole. He has the entire asshole shtick down pat, right down to being a martial artist, a personal trainer, and a dabbler in the arts.
I’m not saying that the people who do these things are all assholes, mind you, it’s just that I’ve run smackbang into my fair share of edgy fuckwits who play the guitar, do BEE-JAY-JAY at the local mixed martial arts school, and also moonlight as a personal trainer so that they can touch women on the butt under the guise of assisting them with their form while weightlifting.
People like him are partially why I stopped taking martial arts classes. I couldn’t handle the sheer level of fuckwit toxic masculinity.
Anyone else really getting sick of the nofap cultists? They remind me of the religious fundamentalists so common in days of yore, who would warn you that if thou shouldst do an Onanism, Lucifer would send hosts of demons to enter your cock or vagina through its frontal opening, and cavort around in your pubic area.
Your eyes would melt! Your tongue would fall off! Your feet would turn into hooves! And when you die, Lucifer will chew you in his mouth! Just like that scene in Dante’s ‘Inferno’!
Only now it’s this bullshit about how if you look at a penis or a vagina and then fap to it, you will go totally batshit insane, then turn gay (I know, I know, it’s impossible to become gay, I’m just paraphrasing the nofap cultists who say watching porn and masturbating causes you to want to fuck people of the same sex).
It’s amazing how rapidly we’re regressing as a society. It is also kind of frightening.
I always say that as a child I used to be confused when I read books about how the Roman Empire abruptly collapsed into a dark age of ignorance and anti-intellectual behavior, but after recent events I’m no longer confused about how that happened; I understand it perfectly.
There’s only one way to be sexy and alligator-like.
Guys, I found a picture of Larsen working out.
Whatta stud! [swoon]
Masculinity so fragile they’re afraid to put lotion on even to fap. That’s kind of sad.
This actually sounds to me like pretentious fancy talk for unemployed. Not that I’m judging unemployment in and of itself! I’m unemployed at the moment myself. It just sounds to me like this guy is listing his hobbies as careers when they really aren’t and that’s amusing to me because manospherians always make themselves out as the cream of the crop. The most successful, wealthy and studly. The reality is always different. It seems to be really common for manosphere bloggers to be unable to hold down steady jobs and have to live off (frequently female) family members, exes or partners all the while claiming that the wage gap exists only because all men are hard working and all women are lazy.
Callused hands do *not* feel good on ladybits. I’d rather get the job done myself than experience that.
I have high-functioning autism, and am averse to the feel of lotion as a result.
That said, if I were in a job that caused the risk of massive-ass cracks if I didn’t use it, you’d bet I’d be using it.
Plus, people fap. I’m fine if someone I’m with chooses to do so on their own time, as long as it doesn’t result in them neglecting me; and I expect the same courtesy. And, well…soft hands are A Good, not A Bad.
@WWTH
And goddamn it, you should be proud of yourself. Never let anyone talk shit to you about this. If they do, you should tell them to fuck off, in no uncertain terms.
I advise you read Bertand Russells’s “In Praise of Idleness”, and Paul LeFargue’s “The Right To be Lazy”. If you are further interested, check out Murray Bookchin’s writings.
In a nutshell, you don’t have to work to be considered a human being, and in an idea society, unfettered by the whips and chains of profiteering capitalist bourgeoisie bloodsucking scumbags like the sort that meet at the Bohemian Grove.
We, as a society, need to shake off this slaveish ideology and stop perpetrating it, especially when machines can do almost everything we can do. Everything you or I can do could be done by a machine much more quickly and efficiently, and I am more than happy to step aside and let the machines do the job.
Now, if you actually do want to get a job, go right ahead. I’m not saying you shouldn’t do it if you want to, but you shouldn’t feel like that’s the condition you must make to be respected by others. I respect you and think you’re just fine how you are, but maybe you might think I’m limiting your ability, in which case you can go right ahead and do that thing.
And, yes, that guy sounds like a fucking nitwit. I can’t handle people of his sort who don’t have the guts to just admit that they’re barely getting by. Why must they give themselves airs? It’s so gauche! So utterly discomfiting!
Nothing is less sexy than a man with good skin.
/s
Amen. If someone has even a tiny hangnail, they’re getting kicked out of bed until they trim that off and their hands are nice and smooth.
I don’t use lotion, I’ve tried it a couple times but didn’t really care for it. Am I a alpha yet?
@Fran
This. So much this. For me it was the Greeks; same bafflement, now resolved. I would much rather still not understand.