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Guys! Stop ‘bating because it will make your hands soft and ladylike, Return of Kings warns

Turns out that hairy palms are the least of your worries, guys!

By David Futrelle

Professional “pickup artists” tend to have a thing against masturbation, largely because (one suspects) men who are not continually sexually frustrated are less receptive to their nonsense PUA teachings. And so it’s hardly surprising to find an anti-masturbation tirade on Roosh V’s crap site Return of Kings today, filled with cherry-picked science and assorted weird leaps of logic intended to prove that masturbation is very very bad for men.

Overall the post, written by a self-proclaimed “licensed personal trainer, martial artist, musician, writer, and (barely) a video reviewer and cartoonist” named Larsen Halleck, is a pretty standard example of its very particular genre.

But there’s one part of the post that strikes me as original. Seems that one of the reasons masturbation is such a bad idea for manly men is that … it makes their hands unpleasingly soft. You know, because of all the lotion.

“[W]omen are just not attracted to buttery soft, womanly hands,” Halleck declares.

In my personal experience, women love to feel the calluses upon a man’s hands, and just one lotion-soaked fap session a week will take away from the sexy, alligator-like roughness of your palms.

So fellas, forget all you’ve heard about masturbation making hair grow on your palms. Apparently it actually turns your manly man hands into lady hands.

Of course, Halleck’s advice isn’t exactly useful for those dudes whose hands have already turned “buttery soft,” and who don’t have time enough to get them all callousy before their next hot date. Luckily there is another option: stop by the local hardware store to get yourself some sandpaper-coated sanding gloves like, say, these.

Take my word for it, fellas, the ladies love to be sanded down and buffed like an old dresser you found in the alley.

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Fishy Goat
Fishy Goat
3 years ago

@PaganReader “Good Suck in China” ?? – oh, that’s an L….

*grins and runs away*

Valentine
Valentine
3 years ago

@fishy. You returned! – sorry for misunderstanding before. I am little bit stupid and my brain became frozen on one idea 🙈 was not your fault )))

Pie
Pie
3 years ago

@Imaginary Petal

I’ve never had a “refractory period”. I have no idea what people mean when they say that.

Its probably related to my current choices of reading material, but my brain assembled the meaning as “menstruation, resistant to extreme heat” which seems more interesting, in a surreal sort of way.

KatieKitten420
KatieKitten420
3 years ago

@Valentine
Sorry for assuming your niece cut herself. That’s just the most common form of physical self harm for adolescent girls in the US( at least it was when I was in high school) so I made an assumption but I was wrong. The other advice I gave is still valid, just ignore that bit. Many other people also gave excellent advice. I’m sure if you combine it, things will work out lovely. Have a great day!😜

Valentine
Valentine
3 years ago

@katie

Dont feel bad at all! Everything is ok. I sent her email already and she reply. She won in a competiton for trumpet at school. ))

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
3 years ago

SFHC:

So, one thing I’ve always wondered about the “1-2 times a week” thing – is that the number of sessions or the number of orgasms? Because those are veeery different things.

If we’re approaching this topic from a fully male-centric point of view (and why shouldn’t we!), it’s the number of ejaculations.

(If you do ejaculate more than 1-2 times a week, please feel free to identify as a sexual deviant :))

PI:

Though, I think that if I didn’t have to change the batteries on the shitty little vibrator I had at the time, I could have maybe managed more, since as the batteries died, the buzz went down with it.

Apparently, some of us can outlast the Duracell bunny.

POM:

Can attest that it’s not only possible, it’s inevitable if you ride even occasionally without wearing gloves religiously.

So there’s truth in television, I mean romance novels!

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
3 years ago

Further to the document curio theme.

A mate has just got back from the old British Library. He’s a bit of a lefty (ie makes Trotsky look like Nigel Farage) so he particularly liked this. It’s Lenin’s application for a library ticket there (his application was successful)

http://i.imgur.com/hmbgaAe.jpg

(He used a pseudonym)

opposablethumbs
opposablethumbs
3 years ago

@Valentine

She won in a competiton for trumpet at school.

Congratulations to her :-)))))) that is very cool (does she play jazz? classical? other genres?)

Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
3 years ago

@Valya,

That’s awesome news about your niece and I bet she loved telling you about it 🙂

@Arctic Ape,

(If you do ejaculate more than 1-2 times a week, please feel free to identify as a sexual deviant :))

Solely out of curiosity, mind you: where does female ejaculation sit in this formula?

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
3 years ago

I was consciously applying the same standard for male and female ejaculation. It was meant as a joke on the stereotypic view, where masturbation is only discussed from the male body angle, and reduced to the expulsion of sperm.

Indeed, female-bodied people can also ejaculate (if not sperm, at least reasonably analogous fluid). I don’t know how commonly or regularly that actually happens, but in the context of my joke, it’s the only thing you can do that counts as an instance of masturbation.

So, if you ejaculate at most 1-2 times per week, that makes you compliant with some random busybody’s view on what’s reasonable amount of masturbation.

Hambeast, disorderly she-tornado and breaker of windows
Hambeast, disorderly she-tornado and breaker of windows
3 years ago

Re: У меня лёд на крилях (I have ice on my wings) – Actually, it’s just something I say to people when they find out I took Russian and they ask me to say something. I’ve found it sounds more impressive to English speakers than most anything else I can come up with off the top of my head. I also like “I’m turning on the afterburners” (Даю форсаж).

Pilots flying with ice on the airplane wings need to take action to de-ice; either by using some system that heats the wing to melt it or an inflatable boot to crack it. If those fail, they can lower altitude and turn to fly facing the sun for a while (if it’s daytime.) Ice on plane wings can cause the plane to crash.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
3 years ago

@ hambeast

Ice on plane wings can cause the plane to crash.

Once had the delightful experience at Newquay airport of watching the pilot pointing at random bits of the aircraft so the de-icing guy knew where to spray.

That’s reassuring just before take-off; especially when he got him to do the engines a second time.

Fishy Goat
Fishy Goat
3 years ago

@Valentine No worries. <3 Frustrated with many things at the moment (not related to the conversation).

After watching too many episodes of Mayday [or Air Crash Investigations for those in the UK, I think?] my brain goes into “ICING!ICING IS BAAAD! AAAAAGH!” mode. LOL!

Valentine
Valentine
3 years ago

that is very cool (does she play jazz? classical? other genres?)

I dont know. But now we have something to talk about))

Thank you mish. And thank you all for your advise. I very worry about her but she has good family with her.

Хамбист
Я так и понял👍 i become very confused. I thought it something special they say in U.S. military to mean something. I misunderstand that you directly mean you can say this for impress people 😁

Valentine
Valentine
3 years ago

Fishy well i think it is good you learn from this tv program! 😁 sometimes if i think something i become fix on that idea and even if other people talking correctly i will not listen and understand, because my brain already dicided 🙈

Lysistrata
Lysistrata
3 years ago

TMI warning

Re female ejaculation: as long as I stay hydrated, there is no point even counting. The limits are exhaustion, hunger, and having to get on with one’s life.

Hambeast, disorderly she-tornado and breaker of windows
Hambeast, disorderly she-tornado and breaker of windows
3 years ago

Валя – when I saw your comment this morning (I was away most of the day yesterday) I realized I wasn’t very clear, прости!

Alan – I was reading an article at the chiropractor’s this morning that said water in clouds can remain liquid up to -40C because it’s pure enough (no contaminants.) Once an object touches the water droplets, instant ICE!!

Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
3 years ago

@Arctic Ape,

I figured you were joking so I was being silly back. Obviously I’m not terribly good at it 😐🙃

Valentine
Valentine
3 years ago

Хамбист, seems like i have confused lots of things recently on here 😁 two people already so i think it is my problem, not you…

DexX
3 years ago

@Lysistrata, an ex of mine was ludicrously orgasmic and ejaculated like crazy, and there seemingly no hard limit on how many times she could do it in a session as long as she stayed hydrated. *sigh* That was a fun relationship. Pity we were so terribly ill-suited to each other outside the bedroom.

KatieKitten420
KatieKitten420
3 years ago

@DexX
I had a relationship kinda similar to yours and I’m kinda stoned and feel like sharing.

TMI warning: in between my last serious girlfriend and my current boyfriend of over 8 years, I had a semi serious relationship with a guy named Nick. I’m very into the BDSM scene as a submissive and I finally felt confident in and comfortable with my sexuality. We met at a mutual friend’s birthday party.

He was the first real dominant(a lot of people dabble in BDSM, but it was strong in him) I ever talked to extensively. He seduced me with words and we started dating. The sex was beyond mind-blowing, best I’d ever had up to that point. I’d come at least 5-6 times a session, and most days we fucked multiple times. So it took us like 3-4 months to realize we had almost nothing in common.

We stayed together for almost a year, partially cause the sex was so good, but we also really tried to bond over the few things we did share, and we did feel affection for each other.(and he was fucking gorgeous😍) We hoped love would grow, but it didn’t. So after about 11 months we called it off amicably.

I used to wonder if I didn’t try hard enough, cause we had lots of fun and good times.(especially cuz it can be so hard to find a good decent dominant guy. Some of them do have some misogynistic views. Not most of them, not even a lot. Maybe a vocal minority is the proper phrase) But now I’ve been with my current boyfriend forever and we are happy so it doesn’t cross my mind anymore. I hope he’s happy too.

Okay actually going to sleep now. I’m a day-sleeper but I should have been in bed 2 hours ago. I smoked too much weed at the little get-together I was at tonight and it makes me really verbose. I’ve written a bunch of long comments in different threads. Sorry for the essays, everyone and I hope everyone has a lovely day while I’m sleeping. Goodnight/morning(depending on whether you’ve slept yet.)I 💜 Everyone! Peace.

DexX
3 years ago
Reply to  KatieKitten420

Totally feel you. The relationship I described above was one of the more negative ones I’ve had (and I’m a somewhat lapsed bi-poly slut, so there have been a few) and she really wasn’t good for my self esteem. She once told me – straight-up, this is almost verbatim – that I wasn’t as young, slim, or good-looking as the guys she would normally consider relationship material, but the sex was really good so that’s why she stuck around. Took me a couple of years to really flush those emotional toxins out of my system. Damn, that was some great sex though…

Paradoxical Intention - Mobile
Paradoxical Intention - Mobile
3 years ago

@Female ejaculatuon convoTMI: I tend to get like a Slip-n-Slide when I’m really into it. There’s never enough towels…

Feline
Feline
3 years ago

@Hambeast:

I was reading an article at the chiropractor’s this morning that said water in clouds can remain liquid up to -40C because it’s pure enough (no contaminants.) Once an object touches the water droplets, instant ICE!!

Supercooling is a thing, although -40°C seems a bit extreme to encounter in the wild.

DexX
3 years ago

@Paradoxical – My ex bought several rubber-backed blankets designed for putting under the bedsheets of incontinent elderly people. Not terribly sexy, but very practical.

occasional reader
occasional reader
3 years ago

Hello.

Bah, being told by a wanker not to masturbate is kind of funny paradox. And that just remind me of the “Every sperm is sacred” song by the Monty Python. Except the later is fun, the former is a(n?) hypocritical bullshit pulled out from a place where the sun has never shined.

women love to feel the calluses upon a man’s hands

Yeah, and they also probably love the rigidity of the knuckles, which is probably why your kind often call to beat them down.

sexy, alligator-like roughness

The sexiness of the alligator skin roughness has sense only for other alligators (or crocodile, as it is caïman the same thing – ah, that is not working in english, too bad). Except maybe if you cosplay an alligator. If furries cosplay fur animals, how do you call those whose cosplay former-reptile-now-birds’-brother caïcrocolligator ? Leatheries ?

Have a nice day.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
3 years ago

@ occasional reader

alligators (or crocodile, as it is caïman the same thing –

Alligators see you later, and crocodiles see you in a while.

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
3 years ago

@or

how do you call those whose cosplay former-reptile-now-birds’-brother caïcrocolligator ? Leatheries ?

Furries but for reptiles are called ‘scalies’, I think. No idea about bird enthusiasts…

LindsayIrene
LindsayIrene
3 years ago

I don’t understand this alligator thing, my work calluses are not remotely gatorish.

Nacirema
Nacirema
3 years ago

I really wish I can go to the alternate dimension where just using lotion can get ride of calluses. I been trying to get ride of a callus on my finger for years and it still won’t come off.

occasional reader
occasional reader
3 years ago

> Alan Robertshaw
Well, i have heard that a famous crocodile once said : “I’ve played in Crocodile Dundee, i gavial my best, and alligators this Tshirt…”

> Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Thank you for the informations ! I guess that with a sword and blindfolded, they can make great judges.
As for the bird enthousiasts, if they jump a lot, maybe they are birdy flippers ?

katz
3 years ago

I’ve played in Crocodile Dundee, I gavial my best, and alligators this T-shirt…

It’ll be o-caiman.

Kellie
Kellie
3 years ago

I’m pretty sure most women (that is, most straight/bi/pan women) prefer men with soft hands, for obvious reasons. 😉

FabianPrewett
FabianPrewett
3 years ago

@Kellie

I’m pretty sure most women (that is, most straight/bi/pan women) prefer men with soft hands, for obvious reasons. 😉

Yup! 🙂

I must admit to have been really confused by the headline. Sorry if this is TMI, but I wondered if this was linked to the old theory that semen is good for your skin. Then I read the article and remembered that the vast majority of American men are circumcised (unlike British men) and would need some form of lubrication in order to masturbate (unlike British men). Not my finest hour.

Is hand cream always the preferred option? Doesn’t it sting?

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