It’s time for another roundup of Comments I Don’t Let Through Moderation! There are some doozies this time. Well, there always are, but these doozies are even doozier than usual.
I’ll start with some of the milder contributions before working up to the “holy shit an actual human being thinks that” ones.
First, a message to all of us who are not as tight as perhaps we should be:
And a low effort comment that might as well have been written by an alt-right comment generator:
This commenter has an interesting take on the perennial topic of sluts:
I’m not quite sure if the banned commenter who calls himself “Beta Male Uprising” is a troll or not. On the one hand, he posts things like the comment below, full of fairly standard MGTOW/Incel rhetoric on what he sees as the inevitable revolution of angry beta males against their lady and lady-friendly oppressors:
And then he starts going on about women “harvesting the male gaze” without permission to give themselves little tingles, which he thinks is basically the same as rape. This is an idea so simultaneously reprehensible and silly it’s hard to believe that even a self-professed Man Going His Own Way could possibly take it seriously.
And then there’s this one from a very angry incel — is there any other kind? — that you may want to skip unless you feel your blood pressure is dangerously low. Because this guy thinks that men who are raped should be thrilled to have gotten the attention.
I think this badger has the right idea:
@Deathtothefilth
I don’t know what to say either, except that that’s a horrible thing to say to someone and anyone who would is a terrible person and lacks all empathy.
You sound like you’ve been through a lot. I wish I could do more than just acknowledge that it was horrible and nobody deserves to have that done to them.
If I can speculate a bit, I think part of the reason some people have a hard time wrapping their heads around female rapists (and male victims) is a perception that rape = penetration and therefore how on earth can someone do that without a penis??? And then on top of that there’s an idea floating around that people with penises can’t be raped because erections = consent or something (not true at all, of course, but some people seem to really think this).
It all goes hand-in-hand with various simplistic (and often phallocentric) ideas we have in our culture about what sex is and is not, and anything that doesn’t fit that simplistic mould often ends up just being incomprehensible to people who insist on maintaining that perspective. I try to push back against these ideas when I can, but there’s only so much I find myself able to do…
@Mcbender
Generally speaking, from what I understand if you touch someone without their consent, that’s rape. It has nothing to do with penetration, which is the basis of all the gross shit people say like “I didn’t actually penetrate her, so it’s not rape!”
Deathtothefilth,
Seconding the hugs if you’d like them.
This is why I hate when universities respond to incidents of sexual assault involving alcohol by deciding to crack down on alcohol on campus. It seems to me like all that will do will make victims who drunk afraid to report. Which is probably the point. If victims don’t report, then the sexual assault rate looks low.
It’s not just on universities of course. Everyone knows that the criminal justice system is good at punishing drugs and underage drinking and bad at punishing rape so of course victims are often to report if alcohol or drugs are involved.
Thanks everyone for the kind words.
@mcbender,
Yeah, I wrote up my history above shortly after my first reply to you. It’s exactly that, the girl assumed that because I got hard that meant consent.
Now here’s the thing, I didn’t have sex education. My mother started 3 “pregnancy care centers” when I was a kid, and I spent my childhood surrounded by screaming people at protests holding pictures of dismembered fetuses. When I first became sexuality active it was at 15.I had no clue about consent at all, just was fooling around with my girlfriend and stuck my hand down her pants. Looking back I’m horrified, if she hadn’t been into it at the time, I’d have had no clue that I’d done anything wrong (luckily she was raring to go on that front).
Up until I was 17 I was having sex without a condom, because I’d been taught that condoms didn’t work. In fact the mantra was essentially “if you have sex with a condom in you’ll get the girl pregnant get AIDS and die”.
I was supremely lucky that the two girls I dated during that time were on birth control and that my 3rd girlfriend had the patience to explain condoms to me. Had that not been the case, I’d have become a father way before I was ready to be one.
So yeah, I’m a pretty fucked up individual. But hey, I’ve got a loving wife, 2 grown stepkids who are doing well and 2 great young kids of my own. So I guess it all worked out. (And it doesn’t hurt that my wife is cool with me having a boyfriend)
TW: more harassment/consent discussion
The whole “orgasms equal consent” thing… NO, no no no, no no… Pretty much anyone with a functioning sex organ can be forced to orgasm whether they want to or not.
@Death
For what it’s worth, I think you’re a good person. It may not mean much from this random Internet person, but I genuinely care about you and hope you succeed at your endeavors.
A lot of people would have taken your experiences as reason to be shitty and inflict pain on others. I’m really glad your relationships are doing well, too.
You seem like a good parent and I’m sure your kids are gonna be just awesome.
@weirwood
Hell, I didn’t bother reporting the later assault (my timeline was wrong, my son had been born by then so it was only about 3 years ago, when I was 31) to the police because this is Indiana. No joke I know for a fact that they wouldn’t investigate it and it’d be a waste of time. Since I’d been drinking (was in fact way too drunk when it happened) they’d just say that I had done shit while drunk and regretted the hookup so was trying to be a drama queen about it.
So instead of going to the cops I just told the bartender and made sure they knew what the guy looked like, as that was a more effective way of keeping him from predation at least at that bar than going to the cops would be.
@JS
I agree.
You know what’s classy? Obtaining informed consent from your partner. That’s super classy.
I’ve heard people on the internet complaining about how consent culture takes all the fun out of finding partners; I vehemently disagree, preferring to associate with classy, refined individuals who also prioritize informed consent.
I’ve been around too many people who don’t take consent seriously, and have grown to find that they’re all pretty gross and enjoy being gross around other people. I do not recommend it at all.
@Francesca for real. I have cut off plenty of hookups with guys for them crossing bounties without checking with me first. Even if it’s something I’d be into if I’d been asked.
TMI warning: if you don’t want to hear about my sex life skip the rest.
A good example. Hooked up with a guy and was going down on him. All of a sudden he’s grabbing the back of my head and just ramming my face. Hard.
Here’s the thing, I’m down for that as a general thing, but not if A. I have no clue it’s about to happen and B. You don’t even ask if I’m cool work getting face fucked.
So he got shoved away and then got aggresive enough I had to hike the butt of my pistol out of my pocket to where he could see I was carrying.
@Francesca
Thanks, it means more than you might think.
@Deathtothefilth
You sounds like an awesome parent and loving partner, congratulations for being a good and caring person in spite of all those awful things.
I would’ve liked to write something here relating to McBender’s experience, but it seems I’m not entirely able to. So, I’ll leave that for now.
I’ll just say, that this is one of the ways how patriarchy, gender models and rape culture hurt us all.
A man is then just expected, or goaded into, ‘enjoying’ whatever bit of sex happens to bump up against them. And when they don’t, that is–to put it mildly–frowned upon. Just, the last fucking thing I was, was ‘glad’. These people have no fucking conception of how fucking anything works. Fuck the fuck off, seriously.
(TLDR: I had some drugs. I didn’t want to have sex. I said so. It happened anyway. By now, it was a long time ago. And now I’m fine. But, for a long time I wasn’t.)
Hugs to all from us too ~
I’m not entirely sure what to say.
Similar things did happen to me too, but in my case I was able to fight the attacker (s)off. In one case it might’ve been robbery motivated, I don’t know.
The truly scary one –
(Warning, may be triggering) –
My exH who I thought I knew. Who was basically trying to “stealth” me to get me pregnant. I’ll leave it at that. It was more ‘sneaky’ than violent.
I know others – my friend peering over my shoulder right here! many others, and once I figured out what ‘this is’ – I found innumerable stories online too.
Another term for it is “Reproductive Coercion”.
More info here:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reproductive_coercion
I feel very strongly about this because it almost happened to me. I feel I have a duty to warn others.
You’d think that masturbation would help eliminate some of their incel-angst-y feelings. Even a hate-wank might help!
Women are not rungs on a ladder, nor a grouping of holes to stick a dick into. Hey Incels: your attitude towards women is only *one* of the things wrong with you.
Incels’ “suffering” is of their own making, if they weren’t such absolute and complete assholes, if they started to view women as people, they might actually be on their way to becoming decent human beings with more than a snowball’s chance in hell of having sex with a living, consenting person.
He’s such a cartoon villain! “..that pathetic thing you call ‘love’ ”
hahaha wow, W O W
@Sigurd
Sorry to hear that. I had a very similar thing happen to me (it’s chronicled upthread)
There’s more of us male survivors than people think. And look! Somehow, even though we’ve ACTUALLY BEEN SEXUALITY ASSAULTED, BY WOMEN NO LESS, we somehow manage to be decent human beings who consider women to be people, as opposed to the incels and miggytoes who think of women as livestock, cheeseburgers, etc.
And what really makes me angry is that they use the experiences of male rape victims as a club against feminists, who are the only group actually trying to help male rape victims.
Super-late to this conversation, but I wanted to extend sympathy and good wishes to mcbender, Deathtothefilth, and Sigurd. I am so sorry that happened to you. It makes my heart ache.
There are quite a few of us “survivors” around here. I’m glad we can be here for each other.
O_O
Well… It seems that Mr “Beta Man’s Uprising” has always assumed that Skeletor was the good guy and now follows his idol.
Sorry to Necro’ a dead thread, but I’d really love to do a dramatic reading of this “comment’s I don’t let through” series. Would it be okay for me to use these articles and post the video when completed? I don’t know if I’ll make the video private or public yet, and it would be my first time doing it so I don’t know if the quality would be very good.
Saint,
The best way to contact David to ask a question would probably be via email. I’m betting it’ll be okay though. Readers have done dramatic readings before and some of them have even gotten their own post.